Longtime readers know that I have gone on at interminable length regarding my semi-papal near-infallibility.  I am almost never wrong, and it drives Dr. Mrs. Mayhem fucking insane.

But God has no place on the West Coast.  The 6-10 49ers actually went 13-3.  Trip to the Super Bowl. Fuckit.

I do feel good that Kyle Shanahan was still Kyle Shanahan– leading 20-10 with 8:53 left in the game, he decided ball control was for Olds.  Run plays were called on four plays in their last four drives, with very reasonable results (6 yards, 1 yard, 5 yards and 17 yards).  But Kyle decided he needed to Unleash the Dragon and put it all on Jimmy Garoppolo. This resulted in short drives that gave Patrick Mahomes time to Be Patrick Mahomes.   If this sounds familiar, substitute “28-3” and “Tom Brady” in the last couple sentences and you’ll see why.  31-20 final score, in case you don’t remember Life Before Lockdown.

So what now?  The Super Bowl Loser’s Curse has been less pronounced in recent years than first decade of the 21st Century. Somehow they managed to keep most of their coaching staff intact, and while they made some personnel changes, it looks like they came out pretty neutral– unusual for a “If You Can’t Beat’em, Steal Their Best People” league.  So maybe they can make another run?

Quarterback:

Still the miraculously-intact Jimmy G.  He threw for almost 4000 yards at a 69% completion rate, with a more-than-respectable 27-13 TD/INT ratio.  If he can stay healthy and produce at something vaguely near these levels, life will be good in Santa Clara.

And I hope he does, because fuck New England.  In late October, the Niners travel to the Bradyless Patriots, where they will likely face Garoppolo’s non-threatening-to-Tom-Terrific replacement Jarrett Stidham. To remind you, Tom forced a trade of Garoppolo for a second round pick, which has been parlayed into the following players: TE Dalton Keene, CB Duke Dawson, LB Christian Sam, CB Joejuan Williams, RB Damien Harris, T Yodny Cajuste, and QB Jarrett Stidham.  None of these are projected to start Week 1, and several have already been cast off.  I want to hear the sound of Tawwwwmy’s dip cup being thrown against the wall every time Jimmy G throws a touchdown coming off a Stidham turnover.  It’s like my soul learned to play music.

Running and Receiving:

Much of last year’s success rested on a three-headed rushing monster of Tevin Coleman, Matt Breida and Playoff Hero Raheem Mostert.  Colonel Mustard had the most yardage of any of them, despite never starting a game.  They resigned Breida (who is just a tremendous off-field story, by the way) only to ship him off to the Lolphins for a fifth-round draft pick.  They also pissed off Mostert by playing contract hardball, although the sides eventually came together on an incentive-laden deal.

The important part of the 49ers passing game is the same, with Muscled-Up Kid Rock Impersonator George Kittle getting Paid.  They lost mid-season acquisition Emmanuel Sanders to the Saints, while signing Old Fast Men Travis Benjamin and Tavon Austin to one-year contracts.  They signed IR Hero Jordan Reed to replace the retired Garrett Celek.

Breakout rookie Deebo Samuel is starting the season on the Non-Football Injury list, with a foot owie he sustained while running a route.  How this is “Non-Football” I don’t know.  He is unlikely to play Week 1.  Surprise first-round pick Brandon Aiyuk will likely be in the starting lineup, possibly as WR1.

OFFENSIVE LINE:

Here’s where things get dicey.  Franchise cornerstone Joe Staley retired.  The Niners traded for Trent Williams, who was really good the last time he played.  Which was 2018, because the Former Redacteds managed to alienate a man with cancer.  In addition to missing all of 2019, Williams has not played a full season since 2013.  So I guess we’ll see if he’s injury prone or if Washington’s medical staff was just that terrible.  Quality starting center Weston Richburg was injured late in the regular season and will likely not start the season, leaving them reliant on capable fill-in Ben Garland.

DEFENSIVE LINE:

They resigned DE Arik Armstead! They traded DT DeForest Buckner! They drafted Javon Kinlaw!  They signed…Dion Jordan?  Ok, sure.  The Niners defense was Pretty Fucking Fierce last year, and the defensive line keyed a lot of that.  Their moves along the defensive line were largely dictated by economics– they likely could only keep Armstead or Buckner, and someone was willing to give up a first-round pick for Buckner.  If the defense struggles this year without obvious explanation, look to this decision.

LINEBACKERS:

Still really good!  Dee Ford (sometimes a DE) had 6.5 sacks.  Kwon Alexander made it back from a torn pectoral to contribute in the Super Bowl.  Dre Greenlaw is good, and Fred Warner is a legitimate beast.

DEFENSIVE BACKS:

Thin.  Richard Sherman continues to defy age and whatever ancient curse Pete Carroll laid on him.  Akhello Witherspoon is…a guy.  Cornerback is without question their thinnest position.  This is a problem, because 1. Richard Sherman is still old, and 2. safety Jimmie Ward plays in the box A LOT (giggity), which means one or more cornerbacks are left without support on a lot of plays.  The other projected starting safety is Key & Peele East/West Game alum Jaquiski Tartt.  He is also a guy.

SPECIAL TEAMS:

Bears’ One Who Got Away Robbie Gould.

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

COACHING AND SCHEDULE:

As noted above, the coaching staff is largely intact– probably a big advantage in this abbreviated preseason.  Then again, Kyle Shanahan is still calling plays on offense- a holdover that could have used some reflection.

Robert Saleh returns as defensive coordinator, and if the defense is 2/3 as good as last year he will be a head coach next year.  He dodged the bullet of becoming Cleveland’s latest human sacrifice, and with several of the Elder Statesmen of the league approaching their likely retirements (Pete Carroll, Bruce Arians, and Mike Zimmer spring to mind) he might get to start with a better team than the usual dumpster fire looking for a head coach.  Or the defense could regress and he could be overlooked for another 10 years.

The Niners’ schedule is a wild card.  It unclear how good Arizona and the Rams will be.  They play both the AFC East and NFC East, the latter being a dumpster fire, and the former in flux.  So they may have a chance to coast for a large portion of their schedule.  Or they may run into a murders’ row of extremely tough opponents exacerbated by the demands of cross-country travel during a pandemic.  Who know?

PREDICTION:

10-6.  Wild Card with a disappointing early exit.  Jimmy G spends the last 4 weeks on IR with HantaHerpes.

Foxborough delenda est.