Another football week (the bulk of it, anyway) has come and gone. Swears were voiced, opinions advanced and many fantasy teams didn’t. So let’s wrap it all up in a nice oblong ball tonight. But first-
Fallout:
-CE-H apparently has a high ankle sprain and xrays show nothing else. He’ll likely have a nice little break to get healthy and rejoin the Chiefs as they march towards the AFC Championship Game-can’t see ’em losing before then.
-BUT STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. Like yesterday’s unlikely final that now puts the Jags in the catbird’s seat with respect to getting Mr. Lawrence. The mathifiers say they’ve got 75% dibs on The Wavy-Haired Wunderkind.
-Somebody won a power struggle. Matt Rhule has been angling to be in charge of most things football in the Panther universe and he got his wish. The scuttlebutt during talks with the Giants was that in addition to the monster salary he wanted control over the draft, trades, the whole shebang. A certain GM Gettleman naturally pushed back hard.
-Congrats to the Fins (and Tua) for their win over the Pats. The times are a changing in AFC East Land and now Miami, by virtue of that W, owns their own destiny as far as the playoffs are concerned.
TO THE GAME!
Steelers/Bengalis:
-All Signs Point To No: One can likely forget about that upset magic happening again here tonight. Pitt has won 11 in a row and Finley has been asked to take them down.
Finley has a 52.6% completion rate and a 0-2 TD/INT number. I can see a ton of dumpoffs to the rb’s in his near future if he doesn’t want to get crushed by the blitz-forward Steelers D. If things go completely south there’s something called Kevin Hogan waiting on the sideline.
-The Cracks Are Showing: Big Ben is getting a bit of flack for the way Pitt is playing but his rb’s and wr’s are playing oopsy with the ball. They’ve had 14(!) dropped passes in just 3 weeks.
-Part Two: That running game. Guh. They’re averaging 89 yards per tilt, the line can’t run block and Conner is always hurt. If it takes 45 passes from Ben to win this game, just pencil them in for a second-round loss.
-Hell, as of this afternoon Draft Kings didn’t have a rushing prop for either Connors or Snell. That’s brutal.
Enjoy what’s on offer this evening.
I’m going to wake up eventually, right?
Must.
Not.
Make.
Kevin Greene.
Joke.
SPLOOOOOOOSH
You can only get so erect Fozz.
Tell that to the fruitcake I’m eyeing up right now…
please tell me you’re not about to pull a jason biggs
Well, the fruitcake is cold, so it’s safer that way, but you kind of feel like a necrophiliac.
Liver from the kosher butcher works even better, plus no nuts to scratch your rascal.
— Alexander Portnoy
Important Safety Tip: Don’t late hit the opponent when your surrounded by the entire opponent’s teammates.
I’m surprised by how frequently people forget this one
Looks like THE BEN’s brain finally broke, at least in the foobawl sense.
He could retire, spend more time with his raping.
Gotta have your passions in life, people forget that.
God, this fucking rules.
Jesus Christ on a cracker, I think I’m done!
Sports fights, ranked:
1) Hockey
2) Football
.
.
.
.
.
.
7355) Baseball
With the exception of malice in the palace, NBA fight post 1990 are pretty awful. Tall lanky guy throwing haymakers and slaps that never connect.
Aside from the occasional Ryan/Ventura beatdown, most MLB fights and brawls are like girly slapfights.
eh, they have their moments
Right after I posted that I remembered that beat down
My boner is scraping the ceiling right now. fucking love this
Lay off the viagra or that thing could rupture in the wrong way.
How’s the ceiling feel about it?
We’re not taking anything seirously right now, just waiting to see how it works out
Let’s switch the Stillers for the Bungles and see if anybody notices…
Obligatory “Nice to see Ben finally pay a price for forcing it in there” remark.
Bad Ben is bad
HARF HARF HARF!
Just so you’re aware, ‘simple syrup’ would prefer to be called ‘differently-abled syrup’.
That NC State’s Pratt playing LB for Cincy?
Yup.
Lose the bitters and its a gin sour.
Is it wrong that I want to feed every single person in these Progressive commercials feet-first into an industrial shredder? Like, every one of them.
Also the “Spectrum mobile” and “Spectrum business” ones.
I have Spectrum (not my decision) and I want to do that!
But first, the shredder should be set to “super slow mo”, that way you can pour tabasco sauce on them as they slowly die
Nah. Go old school: salt and/or lemon juice
Yes.
Save the kind of hate for that Limu Emu guy.
He knows what he did.
Very wrong. They’d probably jam the shredder.
Yes, but the shredder should be slightly inadequate for the job. That way, the body parts will get jammed in the blades and you’ll get to hear that cool sound: “HNNNNNNGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Just remember, hair and bone go in the trash!
Beat me to it….
The last time Ben’s aim was this bad, he got jizz all over that bathroom wall
Death by triple coverage.
Had you told me that Cincy defenders were going to knock the shit out of Pitt’s skill guys. Well, I wouldn’t have believed you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE
He got it on that one, sorry everyone
So my boss, the bag of diarrhea that he is, posted on FB that people should remember to donate to teachers, front line workers, etc. I almost commented, “And people who got furloughed.”
I wanted to, but i need him as a reference
Quick. Create another Facebook profile.
I’ll just get my kid’s password; he hasn’t used it in years.
God that would be great. My wife and I had a long talk about this whole ordeal and how I need ot leave it behind.
I’m half Italian and half Sicilian, plus I’m a bitter asshole who hates 98% of humanity, and I’m just supposed to forget?
One day I will feast on his lungs and barbecue his eyeballs with a blowtorch
Please, Fozz. This is the 21st Century. We are a more enlightened culture now.
Sleep with his spouse/child/parent. Just tell MzFozz that its purely for revenge reasons.
or convince mzfozz to seduce the boss’s wife..
you know, cover all your bases
I have teachers in my family. While they undoubtedly have it rough, they are working and receiving full pay.
Donate to people who have lost their jobs.
I live @ 3.5 hours from you and I’m lazily sketching out a screenplay wherein I drift in from the south and, with your guidance, commit some fantastical act of vengeance upon your enemies.
Yep. Pretty much.
/dies of embarrassment
so my work buddy is gonna lose his fantssy semi-final because of this game, he’s starting ben.
do i dare anger the fantasy gods by telling him he shouldn’t have cut off that old gypsy woman in traffic?
That’s what happens when you don’t take Madame Zeroni up the mountain!
Or is up the dirt trail?
I’ll always laugh at a joke about holes!
hehe… holes
Don’t you fucking dare.
As much as I enjoy all the Steelers hate, decades of history has taught me this won’t end well.
Just be ready when it happens.
I plan to fall asleep first. That usually helps.
its ohio. they’re not allowed happiness
Just crippling addictions to opioids, and shitty books and movies about same.
The Steelers’ receivers might just all be dead by the end of the game though.
The AT&T woman makes my pants tight
WHY ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?
also, she deserves better
THE STEELERS LOSING, I ALL IT VIAGRA BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BE ROCK HARD FOR HOURS
Ben looking like a predator with the out of focus camera slowly focusing in on him from a distance.
That camera shot was so creepy.
Instead of paying attention to this game, I’m reading about how China’s been kicking the US’s butt in cyberwarfare over the past 10 years. WHO’S WITH ME?!
I’m watching Chopped.
has anyone ever gotten chopped for a pube in the dish?
You’re thinking of “Food Porn”. It’s a different show.
Buddy of mine won 2nd place in a costume contest as a Coke can with a pube on it. He was always quite topical.
Somehow not Magary?
he probably waxed beforehand
Only 10?
Yeah. China’s actually a relative newcomer to state-level cyberwarfare. They hacked private corporations to steal trade secrets, but they mostly relied on human intelligence. But hooo boy, have they been sticking it to the CIA over the past few years.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the US is complete rubbish at spying.
They’re pretty good at sabotaging AMERICAN cybersecurity though: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-security-nsa-rsa/exclusive-nsa-infiltrated-rsa-security-more-deeply-than-thought-study-idUSBREA2U0TY20140331
Lololol who’d have thought the US government would be more invested in spying on their own citizens than defending them from foreign countries?
They’re also well ahead in AI, because they’re actually backing it aggressively and recruiting global talent
Also just buying/stealing it from US corporations.
Honestly, when I heard that Oracle was taking over TikTok’s US operations, I just heard Donald Trump opening a direct access portal to Oracle’s cloud for the CCP.
Throw for it Finbeau!
Scheisse.
What the fucking fuck is this shit?
Wanting in on that sweet RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! shame
Finley needs to start sliding. He’s gonna get TKO’d
I may be wrong but I believe Redshirt is their backup tonight.
That’s probably his plan. You think he wants to watch this game any more than we do?
Kevin Green died = that’s sad
Steelers fans are sad = that’s good
Me, reacting to the news that a guy who made his living playing pro football and in pro wrestling in the 90’s didn’t make it to 60.
I’m enjoying this game so far, but history tells me Pittsburgh’s gonna wake up grumpy and angry.
Come on tie
I will happily accept 2-10-2.
That’s like 3 wins!
[runs in with ziploc bag]
-Linda Tripp
Pitt has a lot in common with Bill Cosby’s female friends.
JuJu got the dreidel knocked out of him.
I haven’t seen Juju get backlash for dancing since… I’d say last night’s gig, but they have their own security/village police to make sure that doesn’t happen.
oh honey if checking your tanlines was a problem I could have helped
Underboob. The best boob.
I usually associate bodies like that with the other Coke.
It never fails. The day before I take a bunch of days off everyone’s ready to go forward with the deposition involving the complicated prior history of similar injuries that’s going to take four hours to get through.
That hit on JuJu was my Christmas present. Also, I jizzed my pants after it. Fucking dickhead.
Wouldn’t that be you jizzjizzed your pants?
You’re a silly goose
Forgot to put down the dropcloth before the game started.
i really wanna know the percentage of fantasy playoff owners getting screwed by ben tonight.
life imitating Georgia perhaps?
100% this mofo.
Already in missed FG range!
JuJu ded?
JuJu ded.
How much dough will be in that guy’s envelope for avenging Vontaze Burfict? $50K?
That totally looks like a catch and fumble.
…that’s-a football move.
Getting your brains scrambled is the MOST FITBAW MOVE!
One thing you never see is an NFL trainer kissing the hurt part of the body of a player so that the latter feels better.
Lip herpes running wild in this game.
I don’t think Derek Carr would like that.
Kisses are for Tommy’s kids only. Duh
Gonna watch Scotchy’s netflix recommendation, an English thing by the name of “Shitty of Tin Lights” or something like that, but I’m gonna watch it in a mirror so they’ll be driving on the right and correct side of the road, dammit!
/Also for shame that a Scotchy is recommending anything English
I think the first word is “Daddy’s” so I’m guessing “Daddy’s Girl”?
Which is really fucking weird
I got a good view of the Jupiter-Saturn meeting, looks like these Earth-bound planetoid-like men are not shining as brightly as their celestial counterparts
That was the highlight of my night as well.
I had a nice view of that while walking the dog earlier. Looked like a big bright dot next to a smaller, not-as-bright dot.
my neighborhood is over cast as hell right now.
i thought the night sky was a benefit of moving to the country
Yep, that’s pretty much what these things look like. (It’s raining here, so we can’t see it in person.)
Fun fact: when you look at a point of light in the sky, the rule of thumb is, if it sparkles / flickers, it’s a star; if not, it’s a planet (or a plane, or something with a big enough apparent size not to flicker). If it’s not-flickery and reddish, it may be Mars; if it’s not-flickery and vaguely in the west after sunset, it may be Venus.
and if it burns your retinas to cinders, it was a First Strike
Probably her expiration date.
And now Tyler Boyd is ded