Your Monday Night Football Open Thread

Another football week (the bulk of it, anyway) has come and gone. Swears were voiced, opinions advanced and many fantasy teams didn’t. So let’s wrap it all up in a nice oblong ball tonight. But first-

Fallout:

-CE-H apparently has a high ankle sprain and xrays show nothing else. He’ll likely have a nice little break to get healthy and rejoin the Chiefs as they march towards the AFC Championship Game-can’t see ’em losing before then.

-BUT STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. Like yesterday’s unlikely final that now puts the Jags in the catbird’s seat with respect to getting Mr. Lawrence. The mathifiers say they’ve got 75% dibs on The Wavy-Haired Wunderkind.

-Somebody won a power struggle. Matt Rhule has been angling to be in charge of most things football in the Panther universe and he got his wish. The scuttlebutt during talks with the Giants was that in addition to the monster salary he wanted control over the draft, trades, the whole shebang. A certain GM Gettleman naturally pushed back hard.

-Congrats to the Fins (and Tua) for their win over the Pats. The times are a changing in AFC East Land and now Miami, by virtue of that W, owns their own destiny as far as the playoffs are concerned.

TO THE GAME!

Steelers/Bengalis:

-All Signs Point To No: One can likely forget about that upset magic happening again here tonight. Pitt has won 11 in a row and Finley has been asked to take them down.

Finley has a 52.6% completion rate and a 0-2 TD/INT number. I can see a ton of dumpoffs to the rb’s in his near future if he doesn’t want to get crushed by the blitz-forward Steelers D. If things go completely south there’s something called Kevin Hogan waiting on the sideline.

-The Cracks Are Showing: Big Ben is getting a bit of flack for the way Pitt is playing but his rb’s and wr’s are playing oopsy with the ball. They’ve had 14(!) dropped passes in just 3 weeks.

-Part Two: That running game. Guh. They’re averaging 89 yards per tilt, the line can’t run block and Conner is always hurt. If it takes 45 passes from Ben to win this game, just pencil them in for a second-round loss.

-Hell, as of this afternoon Draft Kings didn’t have a rushing prop for either Connors or Snell. That’s brutal.

Enjoy what’s on offer this evening.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m going to wake up eventually, right?

Horatio Cornblower

Must.

Not.

Make.

Kevin Greene.

Joke.

jjfozz

SPLOOOOOOOSH

litre_cola

You can only get so erect Fozz.

jjfozz

Tell that to the fruitcake I’m eyeing up right now…

Brocky

please tell me you’re not about to pull a jason biggs

jjfozz

Well, the fruitcake is cold, so it’s safer that way, but you kind of feel like a necrophiliac.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Liver from the kosher butcher works even better, plus no nuts to scratch your rascal.
— Alexander Portnoy

Redshirt

Important Safety Tip: Don’t late hit the opponent when your surrounded by the entire opponent’s teammates.

Doktor Zymm

I’m surprised by how frequently people forget this one

WCS

Looks like THE BEN’s brain finally broke, at least in the foobawl sense.

King Hippo

He could retire, spend more time with his raping.

Horatio Cornblower

Gotta have your passions in life, people forget that.

The Maestro

God, this fucking rules.

Gumbygirl

Jesus Christ on a cracker, I think I’m done!

Sharkbait

Sports fights, ranked:

1) Hockey
2) Football
.
.
.
.
.
.
7355) Baseball

clint greasewood

With the exception of malice in the palace, NBA fight post 1990 are pretty awful. Tall lanky guy throwing haymakers and slaps that never connect.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Aside from the occasional Ryan/Ventura beatdown, most MLB fights and brawls are like girly slapfights.

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Horatio Cornblower

eh, they have their moments
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Sharkbait

Right after I posted that I remembered that beat down

jjfozz

My boner is scraping the ceiling right now. fucking love this

TheRevanchist

Lay off the viagra or that thing could rupture in the wrong way.

Horatio Cornblower

How’s the ceiling feel about it?

jjfozz

We’re not taking anything seirously right now, just waiting to see how it works out

Petronel

Let’s switch the Stillers for the Bungles and see if anybody notices…

Horatio Cornblower

Obligatory “Nice to see Ben finally pay a price for forcing it in there” remark.

Game Time Decision

Bad Ben is bad

Mr. Ayo

HARF HARF HARF!

Horatio Cornblower

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King Hippo

That NC State’s Pratt playing LB for Cincy?

Redshirt

Yup.

Sharkbait

Lose the bitters and its a gin sour.

Last edited 3 years ago by Sharkbait
WCS

Is it wrong that I want to feed every single person in these Progressive commercials feet-first into an industrial shredder? Like, every one of them.

King Hippo

Also the “Spectrum mobile” and “Spectrum business” ones.

Senor Weaselo

I have Spectrum (not my decision) and I want to do that!

jjfozz

But first, the shredder should be set to “super slow mo”, that way you can pour tabasco sauce on them as they slowly die

Sharkbait

Nah. Go old school: salt and/or lemon juice

WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

Yes.

Save the kind of hate for that Limu Emu guy.

He knows what he did.

hippofant

Very wrong. They’d probably jam the shredder.

Fronkenshteen

Yes, but the shredder should be slightly inadequate for the job. That way, the body parts will get jammed in the blades and you’ll get to hear that cool sound: “HNNNNNNGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Doktor Zymm

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Just remember, hair and bone go in the trash!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Beat me to it….

jjfozz

The last time Ben’s aim was this bad, he got jizz all over that bathroom wall

Senor Weaselo

Death by triple coverage.

Sharkbait
Senor Weaselo

He got it on that one, sorry everyone

jjfozz

So my boss, the bag of diarrhea that he is, posted on FB that people should remember to donate to teachers, front line workers, etc. I almost commented, “And people who got furloughed.”

I wanted to, but i need him as a reference

Redshirt

Quick. Create another Facebook profile.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll just get my kid’s password; he hasn’t used it in years.

jjfozz

God that would be great. My wife and I had a long talk about this whole ordeal and how I need ot leave it behind.

I’m half Italian and half Sicilian, plus I’m a bitter asshole who hates 98% of humanity, and I’m just supposed to forget?

One day I will feast on his lungs and barbecue his eyeballs with a blowtorch

Redshirt

Please, Fozz. This is the 21st Century. We are a more enlightened culture now.

Sleep with his spouse/child/parent. Just tell MzFozz that its purely for revenge reasons.

Brocky

or convince mzfozz to seduce the boss’s wife..

you know, cover all your bases

Horatio Cornblower

I have teachers in my family. While they undoubtedly have it rough, they are working and receiving full pay.

Donate to people who have lost their jobs.

Fronkenshteen

I live @ 3.5 hours from you and I’m lazily sketching out a screenplay wherein I drift in from the south and, with your guidance, commit some fantastical act of vengeance upon your enemies.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Fronkenshteen

Yep. Pretty much.

/dies of embarrassment

Brocky

so my work buddy is gonna lose his fantssy semi-final because of this game, he’s starting ben.

do i dare anger the fantasy gods by telling him he shouldn’t have cut off that old gypsy woman in traffic?

Senor Weaselo

That’s what happens when you don’t take Madame Zeroni up the mountain!

jjfozz

Or is up the dirt trail?

Brocky

I’ll always laugh at a joke about holes!

hehe… holes

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t you fucking dare.

Redshirt

As much as I enjoy all the Steelers hate, decades of history has taught me this won’t end well.

Just be ready when it happens.

King Hippo

I plan to fall asleep first. That usually helps.

Brocky

its ohio. they’re not allowed happiness

Horatio Cornblower

Just crippling addictions to opioids, and shitty books and movies about same.

hippofant

The Steelers’ receivers might just all be dead by the end of the game though.

WCS

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jjfozz

The AT&T woman makes my pants tight

Brocky

WHY ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

also, she deserves better

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jjfozz

THE STEELERS LOSING, I ALL IT VIAGRA BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BE ROCK HARD FOR HOURS

clint greasewood

Ben looking like a predator with the out of focus camera slowly focusing in on him from a distance.

TheRevanchist

That camera shot was so creepy.

hippofant

Instead of paying attention to this game, I’m reading about how China’s been kicking the US’s butt in cyberwarfare over the past 10 years. WHO’S WITH ME?!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m watching Chopped.

King Hippo

has anyone ever gotten chopped for a pube in the dish?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re thinking of “Food Porn”. It’s a different show.

King Hippo

Buddy of mine won 2nd place in a costume contest as a Coke can with a pube on it. He was always quite topical.

Senor Weaselo

Somehow not Magary?

King Hippo

he probably waxed beforehand

Horatio Cornblower

Only 10?

hippofant

Yeah. China’s actually a relative newcomer to state-level cyberwarfare. They hacked private corporations to steal trade secrets, but they mostly relied on human intelligence. But hooo boy, have they been sticking it to the CIA over the past few years.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve come to the conclusion that the US is complete rubbish at spying.

hippofant

They’re pretty good at sabotaging AMERICAN cybersecurity though: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-security-nsa-rsa/exclusive-nsa-infiltrated-rsa-security-more-deeply-than-thought-study-idUSBREA2U0TY20140331

Lololol who’d have thought the US government would be more invested in spying on their own citizens than defending them from foreign countries?

Doktor Zymm

They’re also well ahead in AI, because they’re actually backing it aggressively and recruiting global talent

hippofant

Also just buying/stealing it from US corporations.

Honestly, when I heard that Oracle was taking over TikTok’s US operations, I just heard Donald Trump opening a direct access portal to Oracle’s cloud for the CCP.

Fronkenshteen

Throw for it Finbeau!

Fronkenshteen

Scheisse.

Gumbygirl

What the fucking fuck is this shit?

King Hippo

Wanting in on that sweet RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! shame

Game Time Decision

Finley needs to start sliding. He’s gonna get TKO’d

Senor Weaselo

I may be wrong but I believe Redshirt is their backup tonight.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s probably his plan. You think he wants to watch this game any more than we do?

jjfozz

Kevin Green died = that’s sad
Steelers fans are sad = that’s good

Horatio Cornblower

Me, reacting to the news that a guy who made his living playing pro football and in pro wrestling in the 90’s didn’t make it to 60.
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Redshirt

I’m enjoying this game so far, but history tells me Pittsburgh’s gonna wake up grumpy and angry.

Game Time Decision

Come on tie

Redshirt

I will happily accept 2-10-2.

Senor Weaselo

That’s like 3 wins!

Fronkenshteen

[runs in with ziploc bag]

-Linda Tripp

Senor Weaselo

I haven’t seen Juju get backlash for dancing since… I’d say last night’s gig, but they have their own security/village police to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Brocky

oh honey if checking your tanlines was a problem I could have helped

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Fronkenshteen

Underboob. The best boob.

King Hippo

I usually associate bodies like that with the other Coke.

Horatio Cornblower

It never fails. The day before I take a bunch of days off everyone’s ready to go forward with the deposition involving the complicated prior history of similar injuries that’s going to take four hours to get through.

jjfozz

That hit on JuJu was my Christmas present. Also, I jizzed my pants after it. Fucking dickhead.

litre_cola

Wouldn’t that be you jizzjizzed your pants?

jjfozz

You’re a silly goose

jjfozz

Forgot to put down the dropcloth before the game started.

Sharkbait

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Brocky

i really wanna know the percentage of fantasy playoff owners getting screwed by ben tonight.

life imitating Georgia perhaps?

TheRevanchist

100% this mofo.

King Hippo

Already in missed FG range!

The Maestro

JuJu ded?

JuJu ded.

Fronkenshteen

How much dough will be in that guy’s envelope for avenging Vontaze Burfict? $50K?

Senor Weaselo

That totally looks like a catch and fumble.

Redshirt

…that’s-a football move.

King Hippo

Getting your brains scrambled is the MOST FITBAW MOVE!

TheRevanchist

Lip herpes running wild in this game.

Redshirt

I don’t think Derek Carr would like that.

Game Time Decision

Kisses are for Tommy’s kids only. Duh

herodotus450

Gonna watch Scotchy’s netflix recommendation, an English thing by the name of “Shitty of Tin Lights” or something like that, but I’m gonna watch it in a mirror so they’ll be driving on the right and correct side of the road, dammit!
/Also for shame that a Scotchy is recommending anything English

Dunstan

I think the first word is “Daddy’s” so I’m guessing “Daddy’s Girl”?

Which is really fucking weird

Doktor Zymm

I got a good view of the Jupiter-Saturn meeting, looks like these Earth-bound planetoid-like men are not shining as brightly as their celestial counterparts

ballsofsteelandfury

That was the highlight of my night as well.

Horatio Cornblower

I had a nice view of that while walking the dog earlier. Looked like a big bright dot next to a smaller, not-as-bright dot.

Brocky

my neighborhood is over cast as hell right now.

i thought the night sky was a benefit of moving to the country

Petronel

Yep, that’s pretty much what these things look like. (It’s raining here, so we can’t see it in person.)

Fun fact: when you look at a point of light in the sky, the rule of thumb is, if it sparkles / flickers, it’s a star; if not, it’s a planet (or a plane, or something with a big enough apparent size not to flicker). If it’s not-flickery and reddish, it may be Mars; if it’s not-flickery and vaguely in the west after sunset, it may be Venus.

King Hippo

and if it burns your retinas to cinders, it was a First Strike

Horatio Cornblower

Probably her expiration date.

Sharkbait

And now Tyler Boyd is ded