Your “Let’s Tie A Bow on 2020” Superb Owl Open Thread

Let’s wipe the slate clean the way Andy Reid uses lettuce as a napkin to wipe his mouth during a meal and then eats said napkin/lettuce afterwards. Look, it’s a form of recycling and he’s trying his best.

Well, all of our pleading, begging, crying, complaining, caterwauling, gnashing and swearing has come down to this-the likeable dude vs. the mangy old faux-vitamin seller. Damn, by the time we get to the second half it’ll be past Brady’s bedtime! But anyway, you dropped by here to interact with the lovely folks that inhabit the site, make dick jokes and say goodbye to another footed ball season so I’ll just throw some giblets out there (Petey King calls them nuggets and nuggets are gross) and we’ll be on our way.

TO THE (LAST) GAME!

Chiefs/Bucs:

-Shoutout to K.C.’s DC who goes by the name of “Spags”. He was the one who devised the Giants extraordinary upset of the undefeated ’07 Pats (remember, Tabula?) with heavy pressure from the defensive line. This time around he doesn’t have talent there but he does have some in the secondary. So he’s come up with a dime package that uses 6(!) db’s. He runs that D 44% of the time as opposed to the league average of 10%. Wherever the playmakers are, he plays to their strengths and finds a way to be effective. Much respect to that fella.

-Bucs dl Vita Vea was one of only two interior lineman that had a 20%+ pass rush success rate before he went down with an injury. This matters because…

-After losing Eric Fisher in the AFC Title Game, the Chiefs now only have one offensive lineman that they started week 1 with. (center Austin Reiter)

-Cb Carlton Davis had a nightmare last evening. It involved re-living his week 12 debacle vs. Tyreek Hill when he gave up 203 yards receiving in a little over 15 minutes. Since Mahomes became the starter Hill has 19 TD’s on passes thrown over 20 yards-that’s 6 more than the next guy.

-A difference maker goes by the name of Honey Badger-during the win over the Browns he allowed -5 yards receiving and an interception on 6 targets.

-The Bucs D has allowed the least number of rushing TD’s in the entire league at a measly 12. Dalvin Cook was the only dude that ran for over 100 yards against them and he barely accomplished it at 102.

-In all of Patty’s playoff games he has 21 TD’s combined and only 2 INT’s. Tom Brady sucks dog’s balls on a regular basis.

Scritch that itch in the comments.

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Senor Weaselo

Are we posting best of Eartha Kitt?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGAJU6aAmZM

Doktor Zymm

We should, cause she’s awesome! https://youtu.be/YsPon0V1nyQ

Doktor Zymm

She was married to krusty the clown for 6 hours, 5 of which he was asleep!

Doktor Zymm
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tom Brady is proof cancel culture doesn’t really exist

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/goes to bed, doesn’t read responses

Doktor Zymm
ballsofsteelandfury

Tigres is in the World Club Cup Final Yo!
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ballsofsteelandfury

Or sexy pictures. Either way…
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Doktor Zymm

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Last edited 3 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

Just a few more crude jokes and we make it to 1300 comments!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And iiiiiii helped

ballsofsteelandfury

Wooo! Almost there!

clint greasewood

I give up

Last edited 3 years ago by clint greasewood
clint greasewood
Senor Weaselo

Darwin Award?

Horatio Cornblower

And nothing of value was lost.

Redshirt

See, the 2nd Amendment can be good also!

Doktor Zymm

It seems I’m watching a movie called ‘The Nuisance ‘

Doktor Zymm

This is solid, I recommend

Senor Weaselo

Actually let’s take Redshirt’s initial comment and expand: If you had the choice of a play-by-play and a color commentator of your life, who would you take?

As I said below, Harlan and Frazier. Alternately, Mike Breen and Frazier (so the Knicks MSG booth.)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Harry Caray whilst pissing himself?

Brick Meathook

What’s the deal with Adderall? The only prescriptions I’ve ever had in my life were temporary cold medicines, penicillin for all my cases of the clap when I was younger, and blood pressure medication when I was older.

I think more problems in this country are caused by so many people taking prescribed Adderall and Xanax, etc. They’re all nut jobs.

Doktor Zymm

It’s incredibly common, no idea how many people continue the scrips into adulthood, but in HS/college it’s well over 10% and more that buy from their friends. When I was TAing there were multiple kids who said they took too much during studying and ended up missing the exam

hippofant

Lotta kids taking it now to pass tests and shit. Doctors just handing out the scrips like candy cuz why not.

yeah right

Got to watch something more uplifting.

Look! Joker is on!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Viggo Mortenson starring in The Road!!!

Senor Weaselo

So, did anyone check on Tree? Is he, like, dead?

Redshirt

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Redshirt

…and the NFL screws me out of $700. Now I know how the Chiefs feels!

Game Time Decision

Super bowl or covid super spreader event?

Masks optional now?

Redshirt

Just a reminder that only teams in domes or warm weather towns will have a chance to win a Super Bowl at home!

To hell with Lambeau Field!

Senor Weaselo

Hey, there was that one at the Meadowlands where I made a token trip to the worse version of Fanfest (the ’08 MLB Fanfest kicked ass), and the one at BirdMurderDome!

Mr. Ayo

There’s our national disgrace!

/Not a Britt Reid post about him putting a 5 year old in critical condition after hitting a parked car while drunk and drugged up.

Doktor Zymm

/also not a post about the Americans who were acquitted by Trump for shooting a 9 year old sitting in his families car in the head, along with killing 13 other civilians

Horatio Cornblower

So nice to see the Glazers host a trophy.
/dismissive wanking motion until my wrist shatters into as many pieces as a car containing a 5-year-old does when hit by a moron trying to drive a car despite having mixed alcohol with prescription medication.

clint greasewood

NHL: Tampa Bay Lightning – September 2020 champs
MLB: Tampa Bay Rays – October 2020 runner up
NFL: Tampa Bay Buccaneers – February 2021 champs

herodotus450

/Bets heavily on the Tampa Croquet League team

Senor Weaselo

Fuck ’em. Except for the Bolts because of all the former Rangers captains who won a ring for that.

Brick Meathook

MLB: Los Angeles Dodgers – 2020 Champs
NBA: Los Angeles Lakers – 2020 Champs
NFL: Los Angeles is the only major American city with no NFL teams

Game Time Decision

In the distance: stomp, stomp, clap

Horatio Cornblower
Doktor Zymm

Huh, I randomly switched channels to a black and white movie and while I have no idea what’s going on, there’s a medical doll called gladys and i’m already entertained

rockingdog
Senor Weaselo

Was he calling both games?

herodotus450

“Pull up your pants my man”
Joe Buck is ashamed of that call.

Redshirt

While I want Paul Heyman to be my advocate in all negotiations, interviews, job performance reviews, and picking up woman, I will be happy to have Kevin Harlan commentate on my life.

Senor Weaselo

I’ll take Kevin Harlan with play-by-play and Walt “Clyde” Frazier doing color commentary.

Because just once I want to be stylin’ and profilin’.

Brocky

damn i was gonna pour one out for twbs on this game, but he might rise from the grave and kick my ass on pure principal

Redshirt

Do it anyway!

Last edited 3 years ago by Redshirt
Don T

Glad I saved my last Alka Seltzer for this

Doktor Zymm

They were ahead of the alcho-seltzer trend

Horatio Cornblower

Welp, time to get started on the draft preview.
/cracks knuckles
//goes to bed

Senor Weaselo

Two quarters, times… equals…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ns7kXLj7co

Senor Weaselo

So, I’m putting it all in GameStop, right?

Game Time Decision

Short it

Don’t

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m too sober for this

Game Time Decision

Gronk for MVP or they giving it to Brady?

Redshirt

I’m hoping its Gronk (for money), but they’ll give it Brady.

Senor Weaselo

You and your Tommy Townsend pick!

Redshirt

I should’ve spent the five minutes looking for the “KC OL and WRs quit on Mahomes” bet.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gronk is the MVP.

They’re def giving it to Brady.

Brocky

the refs are the mvp. made it very clear ealry in the game the fix was in and took away any reason for Kansas city to try

yeah right

And I don’t have to watch no more goddamn commercials neither!

Been a pleasure hanging with you knuckleheads tonight.

Be an honor to cook for you the next 7 fucking months.

Game Time Decision

Can’t wait

yeah right

In here to serve. Gonna be a lot of fun.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Be a lot cooler if you delivered

Gumbygirl

Woohoo, Sunday Gravy!

Recovery Whiskey

Well that sucked

Horatio Cornblower

-Britt Reid, getting out of his car and surveying the damage.

Brocky

done it the right way?

hahahahahhahaha

no

Brocky

so the 2020 chiefs have joined the 83 [*Redacted] s, 97 packers, and the 14 Seahawks as teams that lost the superbowl after winning the previous one

yeah right

Fuck the shit out of this shit. I’mma do a shot of scotch.

Horatio Cornblower

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Mr. Ayo

Settle down, Britt.

Brick Meathook

OK Brady now score a touchdown so I win the pool.

Sharkbait

Drinks are on you next time I’m in the city Senor.

Horatio Cornblower

Pick me up on the way through

nomonkeyfun

Just don’t drive home drunk like Britt Reid.

SonOfSpam

“My Uber driver is a Britt R. with negative two stars.”

Horatio Cornblower

“Eh, when’s the next time I’m gonna be in Haiti?”

Horatio Cornblower

That’s what the train is for.
/Drives train through an orphanage

Dammit. Hoist by my own petard.

Sharkbait

I always take the train. I can booze and not drive. Unlike some people named Britt Reid

Horatio Cornblower

The train rules.

yeah right

Doesn’t the Amazon smile logo look like a fully erect penis or is it just me?

Doktor Zymm

“Too long”
-B. Farve

Viva La Tabula Raza

It took a decade for me to realize that the smile is an arrow signifying A to Z.

Horatio Cornblower

‘How did a blind man conquer Mt. Everest?’

I’m going to guess that a Sherpa got paid a shit-ton of money to drag his ass up there, because I don’t care how heroic that guy is, he has no better chance of getting to the top of Everest on his own than Britt Reid does of getting home without causing life-threatening injuries to a 5-year-old after mixing alcohol and prescription medication.

SonOfSpam

Blind guy: (climbs small hill in vacant lot)
Drunk friend: WE MADE IT TO THE TOP OF EVEREST
Blind guy: (believes it wholeheartedly)

Brocky

reminds me of a weekend update joke:

in the world of sports, a blind man has bowled a perfect game at a Louisville alley. at least that’s what we’re telling him!

Redshirt

“Help me dig! I was told the cure for my blindness was on top of Mt. Everest!”
“…shit.”

SonOfSpam

Britt Reid hits kids with his car, Tom Brady smashes them with his lips.

Kids shouldn’t play football.

Brocky

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Brocky

hey cbs why don’t you show how half of tampas roster is first year players?

they went all in on “win now” mode and it fucking worked

Spur

Suh nows has the same amount of Rings as Rodgers

Horatio Cornblower

He’s like family now to Rodgers, in that Rodgers now loathes him and will have nothing to do with him.

yeah right

I can get behind that.

Mr. Ayo

Settle down, Buddy.

The Maestro

Holy shit, ESPN just announced Pedro Gomez died.

Mr. Ayo

Did Britt Reid hit him?

Col. Duke LaCross

Heyooooo

SonOfSpam

No, Britt Reid only hits young children and makes Nantz have a sad.

rockingdog

SHIT dicks

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pretty sure of all the random contests i entered for this game, i won none. Or less.

Sharkbait

I run the pool and got skunked again

Sharkbait

We live in a world where Yo Gabba Gabbert is a super bowl champion

Brocky

that’d be an interesting quiz: list of backup superbowl winning qbs:

rob johnson, drew bledsoe, jim mcmahon, jason garrett, bernie kosar,

yeah right

Tarvaris Jackson has a ring!

Brocky

*had

guy died in a single car wreck last april

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, at least McMahon won one as a starter.

rockingdog

THATS ROCKING!!!
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m just glad the lady ref didn’t fuck anything up tonight. Last thing we need is more assholes blaming women for their own failings.

Brick Meathook

Wait. If she fucked up, wouldn’t it being blaming women for their failings?

clint greasewood

She’s lucky Kareem Hunt is no longer on the Chiefs.

Senor Weaselo

Lukewarm take: Britt Reid karma is why we get this game.

Doktor Zymm

Eh, that presumes the universe has the same bias about US vs foreign kids that the NFL does

Senor Weaselo

You have a point there.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m sorry, did Nantz just mumble his way through some acknowledgement of the Britt Reid incident? Because if that was it, fuck the NFL and fuck Nantz. That was total bullshit.

Redshirt

Okay, who here is Jim Nantz?!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hello, friends.

SonOfSpam

An Internet Dad unlike any other.

Horatio Cornblower

He got the cigarettes after all!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nantz shout-out to Horatio Cornblower!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Let’s not forget Mr. Ayo, who has done some heavy lifting on the same subject.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Like Britt Reid picking up his keys and deciding to power through drunk driving