One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and there’s Chapter 2), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun.
So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it. Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This weeks topic: FAVORITE SANDWICHES
Hoo-boy, is this seemingly benign topic a veritable Pandora’s Box of controversy! Is a hot dog a sandwich? What is a taco? Where do we put dumplings? If I stack one lasagna on top of another lasagna have I created a gourmet sandwich, or a crime against humanity only slightly worse than genocide? As far as this mock draft goes, no one cares; if you think it’s a sandwich, and you love it with all of your clogged-artery-riddled heart, then go for it. Add pictures to whet our appetites! But feel free to mock, (see what I did there), the choices and logic of others and their silly-ass ideas as to what constitutes a sandwich. Good naturedly, of course.
As the author of this little opus, I award myself the first pick, as well as 5 comely lasses. Let’s go to this topic’s Commissioner and get this started!
With the 1st pick, in the favorite sandwich mock draft, Horatio Cornblower selects….
The Brisket Reuben from BT’s Smokehouse in Sturbridge, MA.
It’s got brisket, it’s got Swiss cheese, it’s got homemade slaw, it’s got some kind of sauce, all on toasted bread, and it has my heart, quite possibly literally, because this thing is undoubtedly as bad for you as it is tasty, and it is goddamn delicious. Please note that they have not paid me to say this, but I would take their money if they did.
Yours in the comments, but just know that I’ve already won.
When I lived in Atlanta around the turn of the century (yes, assholes, this one!) there was a hole in the wall Italian restaurant called Biba’s that had an eggplant parm sub that was molto bene. The rolls were housemade by this teeny tiny old Italian nonna who was just a bit cranky, but she was a master baker. The eggplant parm was great too, but it really was the bread that made the sammich.
I’m really disappointed I couldn’t participate because of work.
Here’s my entry:
Go to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
Slather butter and syrup over the waffle.
Pull apart pieces of chicken from the breast you ordered making sure you have plenty of skin on them.
Place breast pieces on top of one part of waffle.
Dealer’s Choice: either 1) fold the waffle over itself taco-style or 2) Cut up the waffle into fourths and put one fourth on top of the other sandwich-style.
For my last pick:
Buffalo chicken and waffles from Zed 451 in Chicago (now closed due to covid, fuck you, Trump)
Maestro says fried chicken in and of itself is already a sandwich so nothing means anything
Probably too late but the dirty flat top burger from the Friendly in San Diego.
https://images.app.goo.gl/DsqP4Adc5NVwKpYv8
Ugly as hell, no substitutions, additions, or removals. Occasionally they’ll put foie gras on it though. It’s where all the other chefs go when their nights are over.
Guh, will never figure out posting a picture.
https://images.app.goo.gl/trZ77FXRDPY1pXx6A
And last one, Gua Bao
And I feel okay popping in another pick since everyone else has already done a few, the Bosnian national food which is not always served assembled as a sandwich but is tasty no matter what: cevapi
I’ve had a couple of beers and feel like 2-3 of those would cap off the evening nicely.
I’m coming in way late, but the classic Cuban is not the only sandwich from Cuba, and I prefer the Medianoche
The Medianoche is indeed the superior sandwich from Cuba.
And here I thought that Dagwood was WASP-trash.
2nd pick is not a restaurant pick, but a personal creation: Senor Weaselo’s Ultimate Peanut Butter Sandwich.
3 slices of bread
4 slatherings of peanut butter, including both sides of the middle slice
You want jelly? THE JELLY IS MORE PEANUT BUTTER.
You’re almost as bad as Maestro, who lit this fuse and then went AWOL
Hey, at least we can say that this is undoubtedly a sandwich. It follows my apparent personal rules of either structural or ingredient purity!
I’ve let enough time go to jump back in, because I should have taken this second.
Connecticut-style lobster roll
IMPORTANT SANDWICH DRAFT UPDATE
I am now literally eating Rikki’s first round pick
And the sandwich is now gone. But it was delicious.
“That’s an option?” *stomach grumbles*
-A. Reid
This doesn’t count as a gyro!
It’s a Chicken Tarna Wrap sandwich from the original Zankou Chicken on Sunset Blvd in the “Little Armenia” section of Los Angeles, east of Hollywood (“Big Armenia” is Glendale).
Zankou Chicken is a chain split into two factions by a feuding Armenian family. Murder is involved. The Sunset Blvd location is the original and the best.
This is an amazing sandwich
Oh Jesus, I’m slobbering!
The gyro! Extra meat and tzatziki please!
A Yinzer favorite: Chipped ham barbeque
Fuck yes. And another Yinzer tradition, the Combination sandwich, which is usually ham, egg, and cheese on toasted white bread. Sometimes on a hamburger bun, but I’m suspicious of those.
This is NOT my pick, just an observation. My pick is the eggplant parm above.
Fuck Nashville style, the Momofuku spicy chicken sandwich with their custom hot sauce bottle is the winner
Those fries look pretty good too.
We might have to do a draft of sides.
Onion rings will not last long.
Looks like slaw will go undrafted.
I’ll grab it late. Solid addition to a BBQ
Sweeto Burritos Carnivore:
Grilled steak, smoked chicken, bacon, pepper jack cheese, rice,cilantro ranch and sriracha.
Carne asada torta, por favor.
Sorry, waiting 10 picks is too many so I’m observing the 30 minute rule.
The authentic Los Angeles (from Tijuana) “Danger Dog” hot dog sandwich:
Is this the one with mayo?
Yes, it’s “mayo.”
Also, the “franks” are traditionally made with dead Mexican drug dealers.
Great choice!
Back from an attempted hike (the trail was closed) and I see that the Croque Madame is still on the board? Yoink!
For those wondering what the difference is, the Madame is the same as the Monsieur except it has a fried egg on top. Which, let’s be honest, would make any other sandwich better, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DcR3MsI0us
https://www.royrogersrestaurants.com/menu/lunch-dinner/burgers/double-r-bar-burger
The Double R or it’s non-franchise equivalent Lucky R gets my vote. Especially with BBQ sauce.
FIFY:
Binh mi, the Vietnamese sub that got me to first try Vietnamese food all those years ago.
This is an outstanding value pick
North Cakalaky-style pulled pork BBQ sandwich, vinegar sauce AND NO GODDAMNED SLAW.
add not-too-onion-y hush puppies to the greasy bag, and you have perfection
I’ll take your slaw. And a Cheerwine. Undrinkable otherwise, but with a pulled pork sammich it’s the choice.
FUCK SLAW!
Slaw is the new thin mints?
Actually the non-mayo slaw is ok with me, if it has mayo or *shudder* Miracle Whip, just give it to a prisoner of war instead of waterboarding them.
I worked at a place we made slaw with vinegar and Dr. Pepper. Sounds horrifying, but it’s actually quite good.
Hickory Burger
The Apple Pan
West Los Angeles
(note: I took this photo and consumed all this, including the plates and bill)
I have eaten this burger and it is as tasty as it is awkward to wait along the wall and make eye contact to confirm if it’s your turn to sit at the counter and drink out of a paper cup.
?itemid=6020408
My contribution is the humble Egg Salad sandwich. Easy to make, fart-inducing, perfect for a light lunch and it always reminds me of the good times I had with your mother.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/UEBM2C4DRAxiGRxeUyaizkA9qj_awl5jujNiIhtQbZjgzM_gfd1h3Ei2-aoYuqbMNGvOxjqBSijNFKUijtgFSneK9L6kDI0oM8OJ-w=w600-rj-l68-e365
Damnit…
Hot Nashiville sandwich from Butchies. Get the spicy, with some slaw and toasted bun. Yum
My draft strategy continues to be fucking over others so taking beef on weck before Rev can
I haven’t eaten one of these in about a decade. Still remember them fondly.
This is great. Schwabl’s (sp?) is the best.
My latest (to date) Schwabl’s Beef on Weck, March 2019
Followed by a hot Tom & Jerry
Buddy thinks a hot tom and jerry is something very different
That is just excellent hustle.
BLT still on the board? Yoink! I’ll leave the avocado version for someone else. Just make sure the tomato is an actual tomato and not a red water balloon in disguise.
Excellent value pick.
The Whirlaway I mentioned was a BLT with a chicken cutlet but I guess it’s allowed?
ALLOWED!!!
Any sandwich that takes out a gallbladder gets its own category.
That was gonna be my pick.
And skip the mayo or skimp on the bacon and yer DED to me.
Monte Cristo – the sandwich for people who need their sandwiches to be MOAR fattening.
First one I ever had was at the Blue Bayou restaurant at Disneyland. The Bayou is inside and dark, right next to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Good times when you’re a kid.
Here’s an example, but I couldn’t find a pic that does this meat-and-cheese-filled, battered-and-sprinkled-with-powdered-sugar bit-o-heaven proper justice.
I was hoping this would drop to a later round.
Literally my thought.
The one and only ambulance visit to any of the restaurants I worked at was for a customer who ordered one of these. The guy had a heart attack. He survived, but sales of Monte Cristos plummeted after that. Suited me. Frying those things was a pain in the ass.
I can imagine. Looks like a pain to make.
Remember that one guy who died at the Heart Attack Grill in Vegas? That was a fun story.
Here we go.
If you’re ever in the OBX of North Carolina, stop by Country Deli
http://countrydeliobx.com/menus
So many good sammiches, but I’ll choose: Bermuda Schwartz
Roast beef, turkey, Swiss and provolone cheeses, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, deli mustard on rye bread
Are we going restaurant only? If so I’m going with the Triple Crown Diner’s Whirlaway. Is it just a BLT with a massive fucking chicken cutlet on a roll? Yes. Was it the last thing I ate before my body said “nope” and I had to get my gallbladder removed? Also yes.
(If not, I know what I’m going with with my second pick.)
gallbladder?
Restaurant only makes it more interesting and allows more picks, but it’s not required.
By my count we’re now at pick 11, so I can make my second pick, followed by LemonJello, then the Right Rev., and so on and so forth.
With my second pick, I take the chicken cutler sandwich from D’Amelio’s in Waterbury, CT, a deli that may or may not have less than savory connections with certain “organizations” (fun rumor, a former mayor of Waterbury was supposedly collared by the FBI on their doorstep, after trying to run away when they tried to arrest him after Mass at a nearby church), but which had outstanding food. They’ve since gone to a sit down restaurant, but I’ll always prefer the deli.
Unfortunately I couldn’t get a picture of their chicken cutlet, so I’m subbing in this one from Franklin Giant Grinder, in Hartford, CT. Also a solid contender, and still on the board if you’re feeling hungry. For the D’Amelio’s version, add tomato sauce over this gorgeous mess.
Ah yes, who could forget the Chicken Cutler, invented by a quarterback who was too scared* to return to the field in the 2011 NFC Championship Game.
*was actually seriously injured
In my defense, my fingers are very fat from eating these sandwiches.
Although I know it’s a joke, but say what you will about Jay Cutler he was a tough-ass quarterback who got up and played after some ferocious hits that would have killed lesser QBs. I always was amazed about him for that. Edelman like.
ITALIAN BEEF
excellent pick, had one at Portillo’s in Chicago, very good
Had one a few weeks ago at Portillo’s in Moreno Valley. Now I want another one.
Are we doing tacos next week?
Let’s see how far down the ol’ controversy rabbit-hole we can get this week.
Since I made the playoffs last year, I’m drafting late in the first round, so I’ll go for value and take the classic Italian sub.
To be more specific, I’m going with the Godmother from Bay Cities Italian Deli in Santa Monica: Genoa salami, prosciutto, mortadella, coppacola, ham and provolone cheese are all thinly layered inside a crusty length of Italian bread.
I almost picked this but was trying to fuck over a whole cheeseburger category.
I also will be picking this for lunch today.
Drafting for spite is a solid strategy.
As soon as I posted it I debated structuring my day around getting one for lunch.
I’m all for a future mock draft just on burgers.
Duly noted
Mother of Christ that looks good.
Please define “classic Italian sub” both so that we can ruthlessly mock you and for purposes of food porn.
Pork-based cured meat, provolone cheese, italian bread. That’s the foundation.
Second pick, before I do some work:
Bacon, egg and cheese on a toasted English Muffin.
i counter-draft with The Sausage McMuffin
“For now, please wait 10 picks before making another one.”
Sausage McMuffin remains on the board, and the Vikings are reminded that this isn’t how the draft works.
tries to load paper into the fax machiine*
*blender, it’s really a blender.
Fuck, the Rueben is gone. Solid pick
So, going with the tried and true PB and J. Personally, I put a bit of butter on each side, then peanut butter, then jam, usually strawberry, in the middle. But I understand there are many other combinations for this sammie.
You can still draft other Reubens; mine was location specific.
My favourite local deli does not have any food pictures on their site* (boo), but will take the Rueben From Teddy’s Deli.
*site only created due to COVID. There’s always a line out the door there, so no need to have a website.
You do, however, have to wait your turn.
/BFC drafts “the Reuben from Teddy’s Deli”
Dammit missed this. I’ll take all the other Reubens.
I’ll take the motherfucking cheeseburger. If we’re being specific, I’ll take this one from American Beauty’s the Win-dow in venice, which is somehow “controversial” but is mainly fucking delicious and dirt cheap.
https://la.eater.com/2020/3/9/21157839/american-beauty-window-burger-price-cost-venice-smash
COMMISSIONER’S RULING!
This is a solid pick, but there are too many variations of cheeseburgers, (and for that matter reubens), to eliminate the entire category with one pick. Also, doing so would deprive us of food porn, and no one wants that.
Therefore, all cheeseburgers other than this one, (which looks goddamn delicious), remain on the table.
This kinda shit is gonna make me pick fried risotto balls as a “sandwich”
/doesn’t really mean it
//feels dirty and ashamed
///no change from prior feelings
That’d be great, because the whole point of these draft is to kill time with pointless arguments.
/wakes up
//sees the reuben and cuban are gone
Fuck you guys.
C’mon, Andy, you know you ate them both as a midnight snack (actual time of consumption: 7pm).
-A. Reid, to himself walking into his en suite kitchen.
I draft the “Beef Double-Dip” from Philippe the Original in Downtown L.A. Note that it doesn’t come with jus in a little bowl on the side; at Phillipe’s one or both sides of bread are dipped in jus by the sandwich maker, before your very eyes.
1) Bread
2) Beef
3) Jus (always spelled and spoken in italics)
4) The “dip”
Phillipe’s not only invented the French Dip sandwich (according to them; Cole’s differs), but this also satisfies the category of “sandwiches dipped in liquid” which would also include Oreo cookies dipped in milk.
I love a perfectly made Cuban sandwich, crusty bread, a good crisp pickle, ham and pulled pork, plus the stone ground mustard. Hmmm, now I want one, unfortunately due to #Nuaids I will have to wait till tomorrow to go to my fav place to get one.
Bello. Pernil rules.
With the third pick of the 2021 DFO Sandwich Draft, Mayhem’s Chosen Ones select: Grilled Cheese.
While all the pre-draft chatter has focused on its dominant Cheese Density and top Comfort Food rating, Grilled Cheese offers a surprising amount of versatility. A sourdough-and-mozzarella is the perfect three-down sandwich, while changing it up with rye or smoked gouda gives opposing quarterbacks a totally different look. Add a slice of prosciutto and BOOM! your tastebuds AND arteries are on their backs. The only drawback is the requirement of a pan and heat source.
Also, “tight hips”. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing in this context.
Are we talking single cheese or a blend of cheeses? I prefer a blend of cheddar, provolone and mozz. But a brie, ham and pear grilled cheese on french bread is fantastic as well.
I interpreted the brief as allowing Sandwich Classes encompassing variations.
That said, your pear concept is abhorrent. The essence of the Grilled Cheese is it’s simplicity and unhealthy nature. Fruit has no place there.
COMMISSIONER’S RULING!!!
The grilled cheese is a solid pick, and frankly I’m a little surprised it lasted to 3. That said, it is the opinion of the Commissioner that one cannot just say ‘grilled cheese’ and therefore eliminate any other sandwich combination that involves grilled cheese. Therefore, grilled cheese with prosciutto, or ham, or, (I’ll take your word for it), pear, or anything else, remain on the board and available for drafting.
I do not recognize the authority of Guy Ferry (fuck you, Guy- you are as italian as Kraft powdered parmesan). However, in the interests of peace, I relinquish any claims to the draft rights over Grilled Cheese Variants Involving Significant Additional Ingredients.
A simple bacon and cheddar or even American cheese combination is a first ballot hall-of-famer. Nice pick.
It may not be the fanciest, but I would speed through a school zone full of kids to grab a bag of these sandwiches.
It’s called a Gondola from Avanti’s in Bloomington IL.
It’s a pretty basic sub: ham, salami, american cheese, lettuce. The bread is this slightly sweet, pillowy soft slice of heaven.
Probably rates higher than it should due to childhood nostalgia.
Nice pick, Britt Reid.