One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This week’s category comes to us from the fertile mind of the Right Rev. Mayhem. Inspired by a discussion of more and more of us either having received or being scheduled to receive or vaccinations, he suggested the topic: What Mundane Mutant/Super Power Would You Like To Receive From Your Vaccination?
This week’s commissioners embody mundane superpowers perfectly, and they’re here with this week’s rules, such as they are.
Remember, the power you draft must be mundane, you cannot draft a power that will help you take over the world. We’re talking things like suddenly always being able to pick just the bucket of water to turn into, or always being able to pick out just eagle to carry that bucket of water.
You know, something handy but still kind of dumb.
Since the Good Reverend came up with this topic, he gets the first pick. After him, the deluge.
Have at it, Rev.
[I went as mundane as possible. Not “useless” and not “low-end DC character” but truly mundane. For examlle- Dr. Mrs. Mayhem used to joke that her superpower was the ability to find cat vomit (or hairballs) just by taking off her socks.
So with the First Pick of 2021 Mundane Vaccine-Induced Super-Power Draft, The Church of the Immaculate Deception selects: “The Ability to Believe It’s Not Butter.”*
*This might have been an old Mitch Hedberg joke. If it is, at least I’m stealing from the top shelf.]
GET YOU VACCINATED, PEOPLE!
Forgot one. I want the ability to just fucking jump to the recipe online without hunting for “skip to recipe” in 8 pt font. Except Sunday Gravy which is fucking entertaining.
And the second, possibly more mundane but it’ll save ounces of gasoline. You know how in GTA V you can see the slipstream? I want that.
Mundane power: Find a parking spot in a reasonable amount of time, within a reasonable distance from wherever I’m going. Sure, the spot right in front is great, but I’d like to not have to wander around Senorita Weaselo’s neighborhood for 45 minutes trying to find a spot some nights.
5. The ability to turn my head by 180° so I can look straight backwards. It’s nothing I can’t accomplish normally by just turning my head 90° and my body the other 90°, but it sure the heck would make parking easier.
This is not mundane, stretch armstrong
It’s pretty mundane. It’s not like having 360° vision or something. It just means you can look behind you without rotating your body.
Form of an owl is something we would probably do, so you are technically correct.
/waits patiently for Futurama gif
100% Effortless Fart Discipline. No more having to clench butt cheeks together to avoid ripping one in an inappropriate setting. (If the power also includes the ability to fart at will in the rare situations where that would be useful, great, but that’s purely a fringe benefit.)
I believe that the second part has been done.
?quality=80&strip=all&w=618&h=410&crop=1
No more need for ED meds.
Allegedly.
Ha, i almost drafted no refractory period but thought that was a super power.
John Holmes died on the way back to his home planet.
Of a cocaine-addled heart and AIDS.
4th pick: Ability to never have my address/phone number purchased for telemarketing and junk mail. No more letters offering reduced home loan interest rates. No more extended car warranty bullshit. You get the idea.
Ok, but you’re going to regret not getting that advice notice that IRS agents are on their way to arrest you right now unless you go immediately to Best Buy and purchase a gift card and give the caller the number.
I am late to this draft and feel like others have contributed some mundane consumer-related powers, but I would like the power to figure out instantly which of the several thousand options I have for bundling cable services or choosing energy providers or opening credit card accounts or maintaining cell service phone packages or cloud data storage backups is the right one for the family and the budget. Sure, maybe I could spend hours doing math and reading Consumer Reports or figuring out which web reviews were bought and paid for and which were reality-based, but what a colossal time sink that is so I just pay too much for the wrong thing all the time (and before I figure it out and cancel, they change all the parameters anyway). Then I’d have more time to get here earlier and make more exciting (yet still mundane) superpower draft choices!
Lofty pick
I’d like to be invisible to all those people in public places wanting me to sign their petition, donate to their charity, etc.
Maybe because it doesn’t happen that often, but I kinda enjoy asking them what it’s about, then laughing and walking away.
Most of the time I just shake my head and say “no thanks,” as if they have kindly offered me some nice opportunity that I am politely declining to pursue.
But when they ask earnestly, “do you have a minute for (the environment/ undernourished hamsters/ whatever)?” I have been known to say “Yes,” and keep walking.
THAT’S GOOD VALUE!
After being vaccinated I’d like to not be allergic to anything. Fuck you dust, grass and trees
I’d be happy if the vaccination keeps me free of Covid and its variants.
Lookit Mr Entitled over here expecting miracles
v
Riffing off Horatio and GTD’s pick, I’d like the ability to always pick the right gift. Which means the few times a bottle of wine is not the answer, I would manage to have the right thing.
If a bottle of wine is not the right answer, the recipient is not deserving.
You’re dead to me, you goddamn Philistine.
FORM OF: A BOTTLE OF GOOD SCOTCH!!
SHAPE OF: A TUMBLER OF ICE!!
I do this and the people might think I actually like them.
/sends Horatio a bottle of Sutter Home White Zin
Wow, my friends usually just send me MD 20/20. And by “send” I mean “throw at” and by “MD 20/20” I mean “empty bottles”, and by “friends” I mean “random people on the street.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLMbu8y8xAE
Damn you, YouTube! It’s a compilation of the “bottle kids” from Trailer Park Boys.
Thats good by me Spam.
Pick #3: Upon vaccination, I will be able to let all dogs around me know that I am a friendly human, thus easing any tension they might otherwise feel. Dogs deserve this much.
I had something along these lines on my board: like “no animal will be afraid of me (without having a good reason)”. No more random beestings, dogs barking their heads off as I walk by, etc.
But you want some animals afraid of you…spiders, wasps. etc.