Oh God. Oh Christ. It’s the day before the draft, and I’m back in this stupid thing again. This isn’t V2.0 anymore; if I’m being honest it’s about V5.0. This year’s draft is shaping up to be bananacakes. I suspect all the trades before the draft are just an appetizer for the trades that are going to be made during the draft. Everyone’s been locked up due to Covid and has more pent up energy than a young Horatio Cornblower headed off to his first high school dance. Let’s hope that the GMs can direct that energy in a more productive fashion than I did. Yeesh.
That said, both the GMS and young Horatio do seem fans of doing things prematurely, as yet another trade, this one Denver grabbing Teddy Bridgewater from Carolina for a 6th-round pick, has me back in here editing again. And no one knows that the 49ers are going to do at 3, which in turn has the potential to screw about 8 different things up beyond it. I am looking forward to this draft very much, especially because it means I can stop writing about it, but I have virtually no faith in any pick beyond the first two.
(AUTHOR’S NOTE: Just to add to the fun, the Bears and especially the Saints are now rumored to be pushing a lot of chips forward in an effort to get into the Top 10, no doubt to get a QB for the Saints, and the third-ranked punter for the Bears)
As is tradition, I’ll be comparing my picks to Peter King’s. Remember, he gets 7 figures for this; I get…nothing.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 2-14
Top Needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL
The pick: Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence. No change.
PK: Trevor Lawrence
2. New York Jets
Record: 2-14
Top Needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE
The pick: Zach Wilson, QB, BYU. A bit of a change from the first version, in that I was sure Wilson would go here, just not sure that it would be the Jets who drafted him. Since then, however, the Jets shipped Darnold and his crayons to Carolina for three draft picks and some magic beans. They didn’t do that to draft a TE or OL, so Wilson goes to the Jets and his career, like most jets in NYC, goes up in flames.
PK: Zach Wilson.
Watch the Jets take Kyle Pitts just to fuck with everyone.
3. San Francisco 49ers (from Miami, via Houston)
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: QB, CB, DL, OL, TE
The Pick: A couple of years ago I started to hear a lot of talk that the Jets were going to take Sam Darnold instead of the original favorite, Baker Mayfield. I had Mayfield as my pick, but thought about changing it because there was just so much about Darnold being the new favorite. I didn’t, the Jets took Darnold, I was wrong, and the Jets went on to…well, to pretty much suck, just like always. So far I’ve had Trey Lance going here and Justin Fields going here. But, one again, there is just so much information about the 49ers wanting Alabama QB Mac Jones here, and this year I am not going to ignore it. Even though I, personally, (who is an idiot), would take either Lance or Fields over Jones, I think the 49ers are going to take Jones here. If they don’t, hat tip to them for a truly masterful class in disinformation.
PK Pick: Mac Jones
4. Atlanta Falcons
Record: 4-12
Top Needs: EDGE, CB, OL, S, QB
The Pick: I’ve gone back and forth between Penei Sewell and Kyle Pitts here. I had Sewell here in the original Version 2.0, but now I’m back to Florida TE Kyle Pitts. Believe it or not, I’m persuaded by the dynamic duo of Dan Orlovsky, (who literally ran out of the wrong end of the end zone), and Mina Kimes, (who is freaking adorable and devastatingly intelligent), who combined to point out that the Atlanta offense would be a friggin’ juggernaut with Pitts, (Kimes), and that Atlanta, while likely to be besieged with offers for this pick by teams looking to move up and grab Lance or Fields, Atlanta is going to have to demand so much to justify passing up a chance at Pitts, a generational talent at TE, (Orlovsky), that it’s hard to see anyone being able to meet those demands.
PK Pick: Kyle Pitts
5. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 4-11-1
Top Needs: OL, EDGE, WR, TE, DT
The pick: With Pitts back in Atlanta, Oregon OL Penei Sewell is back in Cincinatti, and Redshirt’s TV is safe from bricks.
PK Pick: Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU. A good pick, especially with his connection with Burrows, but I think the Bengals would be better served keeping Burrows upright.
6. Miami Dolphins, from Eagles
Record: 10-6
Top Needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB
The pick: LSU WR Ja’Marr Chase . No change from V1.0
PK Pick: Jaylen Waddle, WR Alabama. If I didn’t have Sewell going to the Bengals I would agree with this, because Cincy will take either Chase or Sewell, and the Dolphins are absolutely taking a WR here.
7. Detroit Lions
Record:5-11
Top Needs: WR, LB, S, CB, OL
The Pick: An anonymous guy I chat with on Twitter, (@tholzerman: do you like socialism with your professional wrestling? Give him a follow), has convinced me that my concerns about Alabama WR Devonta Smith weighing less than my legs are overblown. After all Tyreek Hill weighed about 170-175 coming out of college, and he’s managed to make a pretty decent career for himself in the NFL, with absolutely no concerns outside of the lines for Mr. Hill. None at all. Let’s all just move on and try to forget what horrible people we are for continuing to support this league. Anyway, Smith won the Heisman, and it’s not like the NFL doesn’t know how to pack a few extra pounds of “all-natural” muscle on a guy. Change from V1.0
PK Pick: Penei Sewell. I don’t get this pick at all. OL is their 5th need, and they are plenty of good players at all of the other need positions available at 7. But this is Detroit, so who knows.
8. Carolina Panthers
Record: 5-11
Top Needs: QB, OL, CB, WR, S
The pick: I had Northwestern OL Rashawn Slater going here in the V2.0 originally, but with the expectation that they’d actually look to move this pick, having gotten their QB of the future in the Sam Darnold trade, (spends next 5 minutes telling class to stop laughing), but then Carolina went and unloaded Teddy Bridgewater to Denver for a 6th round pick and cash. So Darnold is the starter, with 1-2 years left on his deal),and Carolina, to me, is back in the market for a QB of the future. Because that is not going to be Darnold. I think this is probably the most likely pick to be moved to one of the teams looking to move up for a QB. Regardless of the team making the pick, I put North Dakota State QB Trey Lance going here.
PK Pick: Ohio State QB Justin Fields. It’s going to be him or Lance here, that seems certain.
9. Denver Broncos
Record: 5-11
Top Needs: QB, OL, LB, DL, RB
The pick: I was semi-convinced that they’d take Mac Jones, and also wanted to annoy Hippo by insisting that they would. But they didn’t just trade for Bridgewater to draft a QB at 9, so either they move this pick to someone, (the Bears are getting some press as a team looking to make a big move up and get a QB, and we all know they have no problem trading away an entire draft to do it), or they do what they likely should do and take Pedo State LB Micah Parsons here.
PK Pick: Trey Lance. To be fair, Peter put his draft out there before the trade with Carolina broke.
10. Dallas Cowboys
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: CB, OL, S, DL, LB
The pick: Alabama CB Patrick Surtain. Change from V1.0. I’m seeing far too many mocks having the Cowboys taking Surtain here, and almost none that have them doing anything else. The kid from South Carolina may be the better prospect, but he did have back surgery, and Surtain has the pedigree of not only being from Alabama, but also being the son of a former NFL player. I’m persuaded that such a combination will be too much for Ol’ Double J to resist. And it’s not like Surtain is exactly a reach here; he’s very good and has not had back surgery.
PK Pick: Surtain.
11. New York Football Giants
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: EDGE, OL, WR, RB, DT
The pick: I had Parsons going here in the original V2.0, but he’s gone now. Instead, let me borrow something from Peter King, of all people. The coach wants a receive, the GM wants Parsons, and the front office wants a cornerback. Parsons is gone, so it’s down to WR or CB. As much as I’d like to screw over the Eagles here, I’m going to try to out-Gettleman Gettleman, (you never go full Gettleman, though), and anticipate his inevitable reach. The pick here is Michigan Edge Kwity Paye. Never change, Dave, never change.
PK Pick: Parsons. Sure, if he’s there.
12. Philadelphia Eagles, from Miami via San Francisco
Record: 4-11-1
Top Needs: WR, CB, OL, LB, DL
The pick: I can see the Giants screwing the Eagles by taking him one pick in front of them, but if not the Eagles would be ecstatic to find Alabama WR DeVonta Smith here. Change from V1.0
South Carolina CB Jaycee Horn
13. San Diego Chargers
Record: 7-9
Top Needs: OL, CB, TE, S, DL
The pick: Northwestern OL Rashawn Slater. No change from V1.0, but definitely changed from the original V2.0.
PK Pick: Slater
[INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL FLIES OPEN]
WITH THE THIRTEENTH PICK, BOLTMAN SELECTS, DEATH BY IRON MAIDEN FOR THE HERETICS! TAKE THAT HOWEVER YOU PITIFUL MORTALS WISH! JUST KNOW BOLTMAN WILL BE ROCKING REGARDLESS!
[DOES AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF PUSHUPS, SPRINGBOARDS INTO A SERIES OF CARTWHEELS AND LANDS ON A RANDOM PASSERBY WITH A SICKENING, CRIMSON THUD]
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
14. Minnesota Vikings
Record: 7-9
Top needs: OL, EDGE, S, LB, QB
The pick: USC OL Alijah Vera-Tucker. No change.
PK Pick: Vera-Tucker
15. New England Patriots
Record: 7-9
Top needs: QB, WR, CB, LB, DL
The pick: The pick: Ohio State QB Justin Fields. Good lord, how many virgins has Darth Hoodie tossed into various volcanoes to have Fields fall into his lap at 15? The answer of course, is “mumblegrumbleasmanyasittookgrumblemumble”.
PK Pick: Devonta Smith. I don’t see Smith being available at 15 in almost any circumstance.
16. Arizona Cardinals
Record: 8-8
Top needs: CB, WR, OL, S, RB
The pick: With all the shifting around due to the trade I have South Carolina CB Jaycee Horn still somehow around, (mostly because the Eagles were able to grab Smith in this version), and he’s too perfect a fit for Arizona to pass up here.
PK Pick: Greg Newsome, CB, Northwestern. Maybe if Horn isn’t available, but they could trade down from 16 and get him, too.
17. Las Vegas Raiders
Record: 8-8
Top needs: OL, S, LB, DT, CB
The pick: THIS GUY, I CALL HIM THE RAIDERS FIRST ROUND PICK, BECAUSE HE’S BEEN SHOOTING UP BOARDS AND THE RAIDERS ARE THE FIRST TEAM I FOUND THAT HAD A HIGH NEED FOR A SAFETY. “This guy” being TCU S Trevor Moehrig.
PK Pick: Caleb Farley, CB, Va. Tech. Again, being fair to PK, I think the Covid news broke after he published his mock draft. Even so, Farley is this spot seems a reach even for Gruden.
18. Miami Dolphins
Record: 10-6
Top needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB
The pick: I originally had Michigan DE Kwity Paye going here, but I decided to cave in to the temptation to think like Dave Gettleman and have now assigned him to the Giants about 7 picks too early. Miami still needs an edge rusher, however, so I’ll just move on down one spot to Pedo State Edge Jayson Oweh.
PK Pick: Miami Edge Jaelan Phillips. Distinctly possible.
19. Washington Watchmacallits
Record: 7-9
Top needs: OL, LB, TE, DB, QB
The pick: Va. Tech OT Christian Darrisaw Changing this to agree with PK, (I need a shower), because the shuffle of players resulting from the recent trades and illnesses has dropped Darrisaw to 19, whereas before I had him going higher.
PK Pick: Darrisaw. Like I said, I stole it off of him after seeing it and thinking “oh right, he’s now available!”
20. Chicago Bears
Record: 8-8
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB, EDGE
The pick: Assuming that the Bears don’t blow up this year’s, (and next year’s) (and probably the year after that’s), draft in an effort to move up and draft the next Mitch Trubisky, they’re looking at secondary, but still good, talent at their primary areas of need. I had them taking Caleb Farley here, and there’s still a high-risk, high reward appeal to that, but I think Farley’s latest health issues, (while not his fault), are going to drop him even more than his back surgery already had. Because the NFL is run by dicks, you see. That said, it seems to my nearly completed uneducated and even worse informed self that the best option available to the Bears at this point is Oklahoma State OL Teven Jenkins.
PK Pick: Minnesota WR Rashod Bateman. I don’t think any of the remaining WRs are worth a pick this high.
21. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 11-5
Top needs: OL, EDGE, TE, CB, DL
The pick: Georgia Edge Azeez Ojulari. I’ve been seeing Ojulari’s name more and more as we get closer to the draft and I’ve been trying to find a sport for him. I just did. Unfortunately for him, it’s Indianapolis. Gravy up, Azeez!
PK Pick: /Trades pick to Browns, Browns take Notre Dame LB Owusu-Koramoah. PK always gets himself in trouble with trades. I don’t, because I don’t even try.
22. Tennessee Titans
Record: 11-5
Top needs: OL, WR, CB, TE, S
The pick: Minnesota WR Rashod Bateman. No change from V1.0. Wait, what? Something this far down held? I’ll be damned. of course, that means that there is not chance of that happening.
I am not going 8-32 this year.
PK Pick: /Trades pick to Baltimore, Baltimore takes Kwity Paye. Now he’s just being obnoxious.
23. New York Jets, from Seattle
Record: 2-14
Top needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE
The pick: Va Tech CB Caleb Farley. They got their QB with Blair Wilson, (at least until Week 2, when they find out he’s not that good), so why not take a risk that the previously highest-ranked CB can stay healthy and give you one hell of a draft. Do it, Jets, I dare you. Change from V1.0.
PK Pick: Gregory Rosseau, Edge, Miami. Probably a better chance than mine. Someone will take a risk on Farley before this.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 12-4
Top needs: OL, RB, EDGE, CB, LB
The pick: Alabama RB Najee Harris. I’m not big on using first-round picks on RBs, (ask me about Ezekiel Elliott’s declining production!), but the Steelers do need a running back, the 24th pick isn’t exactly high, and Harris is good. Makes as much sense as continuing to let Big Ben play QB anyway. Change from V1.0
PK Pick: Harris. Harris is an amazingly popular pick here, which means we’re probably all wrong.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars, from Los Angeles Rams
Record: 2-14
Top needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL
The pick: Alabama DT Christian Barmore. No change from V1.0. I could look it up to see if there’s any need to change it, but that would take time, and I’ve got things to do.
PK Pick: Oweh.
26. Cleveland Browns
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, CB, LB, DT, OL
The pick: The Browns signed Jadeveon Clowney, and if they can reanimate his corpse and pair him with Myles Garret, while persuading the latter to keep other peoples helmets out of his hands, they should be good enough on the edges to not use this pick to address that position. The top CBs are all gone now, so we’re looking at linebacker here. That’s the position I had them drafting originally, but I’m changing it to Tulsa LB Zaven Collins, who seems to be this year’s “guy who came out of nowhere”, (American Athletic Conference, so same thing), to land in the first round. Change from V1.0.
PK Pick: Traded this to Baltimore, who use it to draft Samuel Cosmi, T, Texas
27. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, OL, DL, S, WR
The pick: The Ravens recently picked up a bunch of picks by sending Orlando Brown to Kansas City. They need an O-lineman to replace him, but they’re not going to get first round talent here. The last few O-lineman I’ve had drafted already had questions about them. The Ravens would be better off waiting and using some of their later picks to try to fill that hole. Instead, they take Miami Edge Gregory Rousseau here, addressing their biggest need. Apparently Rosseau has a connection to Calais Campbell, which won’t hurt. Change from Version 1.0
PK Pick: Traded it to Tennessee, who use it to take Ole Miss WR Elijah Moore. As much as I hate to give PK credit, I can see Tennessee taking Moore at 22, so if they can get an additional later round pick and still get their guy, good for them.
28. New Orleans Saints
Record: 12-4
Top needs: CB, WR, DL, LB, TE
The pick: Eric Stokes, CB, Georgia. Change from Version 1.0. I had the Saints taking a QB here, or more likely trading down to get one, but honestly I was just being lazy. I still am, but noticed that CB was their first need, and I had Eric Stokes one team below with Green Bay, so I simply moved him up. You like that kind of logic? This entire mock draft is built on it!
PK Pick: Tyson Campbell, CB, Georgia. Same church, different pews. PK also admits that this is his annual ‘who?’ guy, so don’t put much stock in this.
29. Green Bay Packers
Record: 13-3
Top needs: CB, DL, OL, LB, WR
The pick: FSU CB Asante Samuel, Jr. Change from V1.0, but they still need a CB and they still hate Aaron Rodgers, so it’s not like they’re going to get him any help in the first round. I mean, why would you want to do that when you’ve already gotten one whole Super Bowl out of him?
PK Pick: Kentucky LB Lamin Davis. I’ve never seen his name before this, but wish him well.
30. Buffalo Bills
Record: 13-3
Top needs: EDGE, CB, TE, RB, OL
The pick: I have to change this pick, because I saw too many people saying that the Steelers were going to draft Harris at 24, and frankly I’m just a lemming. I like Travis Etienne, Clemson’s RB, but no one else seems to like him in the first. Instead, let’s have the Bills focus on their top need and draft Miami Edge Jaelan Phillips. Change from V1.0.
PK Pick: Travis Etienne, RB, Clemson. King is the first person I noticed, (not that I looked all that hard), who liked Etienne as much as I did here.
31. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, OL, DL, S, WR
The pick: Liam Eichenberg OT, Notre Dame. Change from V1.0, in that the Ravens are making this pick to make up for having sent Orlando Brown to the Chiefs, instead of the Chiefs doing it for themselves. I love it when things work out so that I don’t have to do any work.
PK Pick: Alabama C-G Landon Dickerson. I’ve seen Dickerson’s name more and more lately, and also, (as King points out), that his legs seem to be shot to Hell. I don’t think Baltimore traded away Orlando Brown just to get access to handicapped parking. If Dickerson was somehow healthy, however, he’d apparently be a steal here.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, OL, RB, WR, QB
The pick: Washington DL Levi Onwuzurike. I can’t think of a reason to change it. There’s an edge kid out of Georgia who makes sense here as well, (and I have now moved him to Indianapolis anyway), but I’ve done enough of this for one day.
PK Pick: Barmore. Sure, but I already sent him to Jacksonville at 24.
Folks!
FUCKING BERNIEBROS! GIVE IT A REST.
Gentlemen.
are we getting A.A. Ron in mango and navy DONKS WOO!!!!!
You bet your ass we are!
I really hope so. AFC West will be unreal.
BAH GAWD! THAT’S…THAT’S MAKE IT SNOW’S MUSIC!!!!!
[looks around]
Nope.
Squire.
ESquire, thank you very much!
Come on, Cleveland, boo harder. And maybe spit a few COVID germs at Goodell while you’re at it.
You want proper booing, NY is always your first choice.
You want that booing with a side of thrown batteries? Philly is the city for you.
Hurry up, Roger, Bernie’s renting that suit by the hour.
Still my favorite sports quote ever, when someone said Bernie ran like a giraffe on Quaaludes.
ESPN showing once again no does live NFL production better in the the business.
Getting a distinct “fireworks factory” vibe from all this fluff before the actual picks come in.
Fuck, they’re back. Anyone have a guillotine handy?
I don’t know, but the “How many lights do you see?” episode from TNG flashed in my mind for some reason.
How many Lights are there? – YouTube
“3/5 of N’Sync? But they’re wh…”
-Jerry Richardson, just before his publicist tackles him off the podium
What developmentally-challenged, one-legged war veteran with a kitten on his lap will Goodell wheel to the center stage in order to reduce the volume of catcalls and boo’s?
what a mashup of Darnold, Alex Smith, and that OT for the Yinzers that would be!
A Bears first rounder!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-inhales-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-inhales-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I want to see a time lapse of Mel Kiper’s hairline through the years.
It’s really going fast now. Bet he gets plugs soon.
Nothing Gold Can Stay
/Steps back into DFO clubhouse shadows.
Now you remind me of that picture I saw this week that showed the back of my head. I didn’t know I had a bald spot until then!
Gentlemen. Ladies. Other.
To the draft!
Today in Lollipop or Testicle on a Skewer!
Perfect beer to suck on!
There you go, Tomsulas. Aim for a Pastorini, likely get an Akili Smith.
Hippo, I really want Rodgers to go to the Donks. Like really bad.
All of Colorado would welcome him as family.
/A.A. Ron runs away in terroUr
With the first pick, the Jaguars have apparently selected app.video.playback.error.
It’s no Backend Fetch Error, but could help out on special teams…
Why does the bass player for this shitty band look like he wants to deep throat the mic?
Heresy alert – Kings of Leon are worse than Roger Goodell.
It’s not enough to have the draft in Cleveland, these poor souls have to listen to Kings of Leon, too?
Isn’t that the definition of a war crime?
We had better bands at our proms.
If that’s what their traditional music sounds like, I’ll never be visiting the country of Leon.
You
Your river’s on fire
Cleeeeeeeveland
Fat chicks who perspire
Can we just start at the second pick? Laurence going at one is as much a certainty as Chadwick Boseman getting the Best Actor Oscar.
/wait a sec…
A moment of silence for all of these impending draftees, that will forever have Cleveland associated with their names.
OhiNO!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeXIPmjYTeU
Seems like they could shorten the clock for the really early picks, but I guess if they did that they wouldn’t have as much of an excuse to cram commercials into the coverage
“Yeah who taught these idiots the definition of a minute?” – Grand Minister to the Omni-Kings, officiant of the Tournament of Power
When does Urban Meyer have his first NFL heart owie?
Not soon enough.
-a non-meth using Jaguras fan
Quite the crowd there at the Gator Bowl.
The first time a pro player does not listen to him worshipfully.
/HAILs GAMBLOR for Day 2 of Jaguras mini-camp
At 2-6 in Year 2.
How does Mike Greenberg get these jobs?
Seriously?
WHO RUNS THE MEDIA?
If not who you know, its who you blow?
I love how “subtle” these drug company ads are for the “I don’t shit myself in public as much” pill.
Dianna Russini would be a lot funnier if she were actually Jenny Slate.
Also, she wouldn’t be Italian, so that would be an improvement too.
“What are the 49ers gonna do at #3?”
At three, they will take the guy named Trey. Duh.
“#3? I’ll take six!”
-a sleepy Andy Reid, startled awake amongst a pile of take-out boxes
A dude named Trey going at #3? I was told there would be no meth.
“Awww”-Todd Marinovich
/gets sued to hell and back by RTD
“Hey Todd, I’ve got your back, and a pipe.”
-Ryan Leaf
For those of you complaining that its raining in Cleveland for the NFL Draft, just be patient. Its Ohio in April; all four seasons are in play.
Ooh, happy to hear that “fire” is still potentially on the menu.
C’mon hailstorm of brimstone!
Did Ann Wilson pay the NFL so that she could sing at the draft?
Holy shit. I completely forgot the 49ers were in the Super Bowl two years ago until ESPN brought it up.
Who did they play against?
The team that got pantsed by a 43 year old in this past Super Bowl.
Now I remember, thx! I even watched that one, although I can’t remember a single play. The older I get, the worse my memory gets, and the faster time goes by. That sucks.
In the immortal words of the prophet, Mick Jagger, I’m zipping through the days with lightning speed.
My memory is liquid shit (turning 48 this summer) for everything BUT sports nonsense
Teddy BridgeQBwater is a nickname I came across recently.
He is and always will be Teddy Ballgame consarnit
“It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species. The tiger bounds to the help of his congeners without the least reflexion, or else he slinks away into the depths of the thickets. But that is not the question. What are we doing here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in the immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come — ”
-Ryan Pace
“GAL GADOT? MAN, I’D LIKE TO BANG HER!! YEEEEE-HAWWWW!!!”
— Jerry J., Dallas, TX
Kimmi Chex is one of my favourite cereals.
Hey Hippo, Rodgers is apparently interested in the Broncs as a destination-how tight is the crotch area of your pj’s right now?
It depends on the price point. Do we only have to give Bay of Green a 2nd rounder, in this hypothetical?
You drive a hard bargain, mister.
You want tumescence, you best be ready to barter smh
Actually I am pretty calm going into this draft.
Penei Sewell? Great! We get an anchor in the Offensive Line to protect the Franchise. He doesn’t need to be as good as Anthony Munoz; he just needs to be as good as Willie Anderson or Andrew Whitworth. Any better is just gravy.
Ja’Marr Chase? Good. I’ve warmed up to this pick. Burrow and Chase already have chemistry, so they wouldn’t need to quickly build one in a shorten preseason. Also, if they think can find a good OT in the 2nd Round, they should do it if they feel that Chase will be an elite talent they can’t pass up.
Kyle Pitts? Okay. Getting a Tight End to give Burrow a safety valve is uncharacteristically smart, but at #5 it has to be a one-in-a-generation TE to go that high. They would have to still get an OT in the 2nd Round and trust that Pitts will open up holes for Higgins and Boyd.
Trade? Maybe. It is possible that two of these three could be picked by the time we get to #5, and that possibility increase if Aaron Rodgers temper tantrum gets the Packers the #3 pick. Also, there are some teams further down the list that may be desperate for a QB. I’m not saying they should trade out of the 1st Round; they have too many holes to fill. But if they can turn the #5 into a Top 15 pick and a few day two picks, that may work. Also, you never know if the Football Gods will give a Bengals a chance to redeem their mistake from 1999 if a team calls offering the farm for their pick. Never underestimate Jerry Jones, the Raiders or a desperate Bill Belichick determined to win the Super Bowl to prove he can win without Tom Brady.
BRING ON THE CORNERBACK!
It is an odd year.
So are we going to start doing mock drafts for our Monday drafts?
“I’m hearing a lot of rumors that Hippo is going to take ‘Vicodin’ with his first pick in this draft of ‘Breakfast Foods.’ But it’s possible that Dunstan will trade up to make sure he gets Pancakes.”
oh chuh chuh
Welp, I was stuck for an idea for this Sunday, so get ready for breakfast foods, everyone.
BUT NOW EVERYONE KNOWS MY STRATEGY!
Oh hey, they aren’t streaming the draft for free on nfl.com, they actually expect people to pay for their commentary and hype films!
Aaron Rodgers throwing another hissy fit, Tebow trying out at tight end at the age of 33 and now the draft-I just really like the NFL right now.
Idiot neighboUr (who drives a PT Cruiser) backed out of her driveway without looking at anything and fucked up my front bumper right some good… my car was parked. Some people should not be allowed to drive.
At least she’s acknowledged she’s entirely in the wrong here and is gonna pay for it… but I sure hope I can just get cash in hand and fix the thing myself with junkyard parts. Ten year old Subarus really aren’t worth much according to the actuaries.
Point is, it’s time to get fucking drunk.
A PT Cruiser running into a Subaru could cause tens of dollars in damage!
She drives a PT Cruiser. She is always and forever entirely in the wrong!
Yep, one of the worst cars ever.
Can’t the lesbians you bought it from fix it for you?
I wonder if Jaguras management thinks they can pay Prison Girlfriend with cartons of cigarettes and fancy-flavoUred Ramen??
Trey Lance brought his mini-me little brother along. Pretty cool.
Boyle?
I recommend to you all a little draft day nostalgia at Freezing Cold Takes (@OldTakesExposed) / Twitter
Jon Gruden enthusing over Johnny Manziel? Check.
Skip Bayless praising the Jets for taking their future starting QB Bryce Petty? Oh yes.
People trashing Mahomes? Yup.
I mean, c’mon. Manziel and Petty had so many intangibles and grate LEEDERSHIP qualites smgdh
Yeah, and Mahomes has that (gestures vaguely in racist) hair.
Comically oversized bowties are apparently the touchstone item of #BlackFashion2021
“You had me at comically oversized …ties” – Mitch Trubisky
UPDATE!!!!1111 para Casa del Hippo
/”it” being a restraining order in the present instance
DUGGAR ARREST ALERT
Held without bail for…no reason given yet. Kiddy-diddling or kiddy-diddling?
wait, you’re saying Expressing Love is a CRIME smgdh?? – Marc T., Parts Unknown
Which one? There’s like 28 of ’em.
gotta keep making MOAR kids 2 diddle suck it libtard!!!1111
Josh, who I think it the oldest son? Has like 7 kids of his own now.
We really should just Romanov the whole bloodline.
Someone call the Queen of Fables!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKCWw9JOSe4
But but but…Jeebus! Suffer the children.
They are suffering for Jesus.
What coverage of this shitshow are we going to watch? NFLNetwork? ESPN? Which is least likely to cause a ragestroke?
If memory serves (it doesn’t very well). the crowd here is split. I always watch ESPN because Kiper tingles my nether regions.
I have to watch him for a little while, just to marvel at his hair. But then he speaks, and ruins it for me. Ladyboner killah!
I shall disagree with Spam, NFLN at least has Melissa Stark and the Baby Puncher (oh my, his sartorial splendor).
Sounds like between the two networks, everyone can find something to jack or jill off to and that makes America great.
I don’t even watch the draft, but Melissa Stark might change my mind.
I think she’s still mourning her father Ned.
You mean Tony. He was killed in Endgame.
HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT, ASSHOLE!?!?
/kidding, well aware Tony doesn’t make it.
“Least likely” is Seattle TV, because John Schneider doesn’t work on Thursdays.
Excellent analysis. LOFTY analysis.
“For the 48th year in a row, the United States Military selects, with whatever fucking pick it wants, Cassius Clay!”
I should do an edition of the Losers Investment Club where they all blaze up to celebrate $SPY closing above 420, and Andy gets the munchies. I mean, more so than usual.
You need to be upright (and preferably alive) before you can throw downfield, Bengals ppl forget that.
The ol’ Alex Smith routine never fails.
I’m stubbornly sticking with JaMarr to the Bengals because Joey Joe Joe has more power than anyone in the organization.
It’s not a bad opinion, just a woeful misallocation of resources for the Bengals.
Which is right up Mike Brown’s alley.
Every other mock I have seen has every team trading up to be in the top 10, except for the Browns, because they are still a flaming pile of doggie poo.
Eagles pick should be Waddle, not Smith. Just so’s the records clear.