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We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América
Euro 2020
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!
Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?
From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.
Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule imbedded because I have no idea how to do it nor interest in figuring it out.
Today’s team is:
Hungary
Huh.
Really went all out on the flag design.
Country Fun Facts
Hungary was first unified as its own country in 895. Where did they get their cool-ass country name? Good question! The original founders (Árpád and his brother-in-law Kurt, who didn’t really do shit, but Árpád’s wife was a giant pain and insisted that her worthless brother be given a cushy job and Árpád was like, well do I wanna deal with Kurt the idiot or do I piss off the wife, and you know how that goes) were big fans ot Attila, who pillaged the everloving fuck out of Central and Eastern Europe several centuries before, but “Attilaland” sounded stupid, so Kurt finally says, hey what if we name this place after Attila’s nephew? And Árpád was all, who are you even talking about? And Kurt was like, that chill dude who sold weed? (Back then, weed was called “laughy mint” and was regularly traded for virgin sheep.) So Árpád goes, oh yeah, he was okay. Fine, we’ll name this land after the Hun, Gary.
About 20 years later Hun,Gary changed its name to Hungary because other countries made fun of the comma.
Sometime later (Middle Ages? Renaissance? I dunno, sometime), Hun,Gary Hungary was attacked by Ottomans
and lost badly, which was embarrassing because who loses to furniture? As a result of getting footstool-slapped, Hungary became Austria-Hungary. It stayed that way for many years, with Austria clinging to Hungary like the most stubborn of dingleberries. Finally, thanks to Franz Ferdinand getting shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, Hungary got to be its own country again. Of course, we’ve already established how weak this country is, so it was only a matter of time before they became someone else’s bitch.
.
Finally, after Pope John Paul II ended The Soviet Union (well Reagan sure as fuck didn’t), Hungary got to be its own thing again, and there was much rejoicing. When I was a kid, I collected stamps (philatelists are total panty-droppers), and the Hungarian stamps always said “Magyar” on them. Whoever this Magyar is, they’re probably gonna own Hungary next.
The capital of Hungary is Budapest, and you won’t believe how stupid this is. Originally there were two towns called Buda and Pest. Then, they became one town. So obviously, with that kind of gripping origin story, that HAS to be the capital.
Team Schedule
Hungary is in Group F with Germany, France, and Portugal. The “F” in Group F is short for “Fuck, Hungary is gonna get killed.” The schedule for our feckless losers:
Tuesday, June 15, 2021 – 9 AM Pacific – Hungary vs Portugal – Buda+Pest=Budapest
Saturday June 19 2021 – 6 AM Pacific – Hungary vs France – Buda+Pest=Budapest
Wednesday June 23 2021 – Noon Pacific – Germany vs Hungary – Munich
Team Preview / Top Players
Hungary finished 4th in Euro 1972. That’s pretty good! Then they didn’t qualify until 2016. That sucks! However, they have now made it to two straight Euros (you are not going to find two straight Euros in Ibiza) so maybe things are looking up. Probably not.
Hungary plays an unusual style, relying on five overweight defensemen to get in the way of their opponents. Very few teams have been able to solve the back line of the Hungary Hungary hippos.
Their best player doesn’t matter because all the other teams in the group have much better players.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Hungary Girls”
Sorry, was just looking to quickly throw up a picture.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot Hungarian Food”
This is Hungarian Goulash, Beef, potatoes, paprika (which is just the Hungarian word for “pepper”). I would eat that I guess.
SonOfSpam, have you ever been to this country?
Nah. Seems pointless. “Oh look, an old church. Hey, there’s a crumbling castle. Over there is some kind of bridge.”
Seems like Romania without the vampires.
Why you should root for this country
You like Attila’s nephew Gary.
You desire food.
You have a soft spot for stupid places that lose wars to furniture.
Why you should NOT root for this country
You like good teams.
You like fun places.
You’re not gonna pay a lot for that muffler.
You never experienced Lisztomania.
Jóslás
Hungary is the third-to-last choice in the betting markets, with odds of about 400-1 to win Euro 2021/2020/this year.
Their best chance for a point is probably the opening game against Portugal. Let’s be generous and say Hungary will manage 1 point over the 3 games, then go home to find they’ve been taken over by Slovenia.
In conclusion, Hungary is a land of contrasts.
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