Good morning, DFO!
Welcome back.
Bit of a polarizing title for today’s post, no?
Before we get our menu going I think we need to discuss some things.
The first of which is the current state of civility in the world, or at least in the US. A better statement would be the lack of civility in this country.
It’s certainly not that difficult to figure out the origin of our current hate-filled mindset. Pretty certain it came about in the lead-up to the 2016 presidential election.
I’m also absolutely positive that the pandemic and subsequent shutdown weaponized hate in this country. It certainly lowered the aggregate IQ of the population by, oh let’s say 50 fucking points or so.
The lack of civility is everywhere too. Daily news stories about idiots getting in fights, especially on planes, and the refusal to wear a mask thing.
Now we’ve got fans at games dumping popcorn on players and that stupid cocksucker in New York who SPIT an Trae Young.
Hey! Stupid fuck! That’s NOT HOW WE DO SHIT HERE!
The worst part is the hatred exhibited by these fucking knuckleheads fuels hatred by the people who are opposed to this type of behavio(u)r and it just feeds into itself.
This shit is goddamn awful.
Don’t mean to get you good folks too riled up this early in the morning but the current state of civility does indeed lend itself to today’s topic.
Some folks, including our former internet Big Daddy, go absolutely fucking ballistic when talking about our featured ingredient.
Mayonnaise.
Relax dammit!
Now say it to yourself.
Mayo-Naze!
See that shit’s not too hard is it?
Why do people get themselves so fucking worked up over a goddamn condiment?
You don’t like it don’t eat the motherfucker.
Ain’t fucking rocket science.
Now for me, I don’t like guacamole. I can eat it if it’s put on something but given the choice I prefer not to. I don’t blow a fuse and damn near shit my pants simply because I don’t like it. And THAT is my point.
We’re talking about food. It’s not worth getting that carried away over.
I know we’ve got some of our regular folks who don’t care for mayo and that’s goddamn fine with me. If you’re one of these folks, maybe skip down a bit. I’ve got a brand new bread recipe down there and it’s fucking beautiful.
Let’s bring civility back.
My motto for today: “Don’t Hate. Embrace Debate.”
If you have differing opinions then let’s have a civil discourse in the comment section. I look forward to it.
Anyway.
We are here to discuss mayonnaise.
You folks out there who aren’t big on mayo may want to avert your eyes a time or two today. We ain’t just using mayonnaise, we’re using the HEAVY shit.
Back in my Jersey Shore days I assisted in management of a deli. Their mayo actually was called “Heavy” mayo and we used it on all of our sandwiches when mayo was ordered. I fell in love with that stuff.
With a proper application mayonnaise brings a lot of goodness (and oh yeah fattiness) to a dish. How can you even have a leftover turkey sandwich after Thanksgiving without it?
Anyone recognize that jar up there? Goddamn right it is.
Blue Plate mayonnaise is right out of New Orleans and you will find it all over the city. Pretty much anytime you get a Po’ boy or a muffaletta you’ll be getting this shit right here. It is a tiny bit disconcerting to walk into a restaurant and see a jar of it sitting out on a tabletop – unrefrigerated – but hell, I ate this a bunch and I didn’t die.
If you are used to Hellman’s or Best Foods (same mayo, different coasts) this one will be a little more dense and a lot more mayo-centric.
It’s called heavy mayo for a reason and it fucking rules.
Brother Taj ordered a jar of this online. When we got the jar of mayo, my brain immediately started thinking up possible uses.
This dish today was what came to mind first.
We’re making chicken salad and it’s going to be served on homemade wheat bread.
Now we’re talking.
Before getting fully started here I just have a question for Commentist herodotus450: This comment is from last week;
“May 30, 2021 12:52 pm
forgot to buy some at the store, so today we’re answering the ancient philosophical question: if you don’t put celery in your chicken salad does anyone actually notice?”
I already had the bones for today’s post written and in “drafts” when last week’s post ran. And how the actual fuck did you get in my head and read my future post a week early?
That’s some shit, right there.
Yes. I have my own answer in a bit.
Not going to formalize a recipe since chicken salad is more of a personal choice thing but I will give you a full list of what I used.
Nope, we’re not starting with chicken shit either. We’re starting with chicken.
That’s two big slabs of bone-in skin on chicken thighs. Of course you can use chicken breast, do what you like. I had an ulterior motive though.
I’m going to take the opportunity to make a batch of chicken stock while I’m at it. I’ve got an idea for next week’s meal that could use a good homemade stock for its base and since we’re cooking chicken there’s no time like the present.
Into the pot they go!
I actually had a good amount of store bought chicken stock in my fridge and used it here then topped the pot off with water. Probably about 8 total cups of liquid.
Add in some salt and pepper and get to simmering.
Get your carrots chopped up.
Then you got your onions.
Get them in the pot. Yep, had a couple of celery stalks on hand too.
Let’s get busy now.
That’s looking real nice. How about some garlic and some herbage?
My stock always has a good 1/2 tablespoon of dried thyme and today we added some fresh sage leaves to the party too. Bay leaves would also be nice here.
Now bring it to a boil and simmer away.
The chicken will be fully cooked in about 45 minutes or so. Remove the chicken from the pot but let the stock continue cooking for a total of 2-3 hours.
Let the chicken cool and prepare to skin and debone.
I toss the excess skin and the bones right back into the stockpot while the stock continues cooking.
Keep some of that cooked celery for the chicken salad too.
Ahem.
Now chunk it all up.
Here is our guest of honor.
We’ll be marrying the mayo with our properly cubed up chicken and celery bits.
Add in your favorite herbs. For chicken salad I find these two beauties do the job nicely.
If you’re a regular then you know my affinity for thyme. And since we’re using mayo from New Orleans then we better be using a bunch of thyme since the folks in the Big Easy love it too.
In addition, tarragon and chicken play together extremely well.
Now mix!
Not exactly sure how much mayo I used here but it was over half a cup and less than a cup. Get it to your preferred texture.
Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Cover the chicken salad with some plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. Yes, you could eat it right away but I like it to rest. Besides I’ve got a couple of more ingredients I’ll be adding right before we serve the salad.
We’re going to keep that stock going for a couple more hours.
Before heading to bed, let the stock cool and give it a drain.
I placed the stock in a plastic container and stored it in the freezer for next week.
Look!
It’s the next day!
Let’s make some bread.
Whole wheat bread!
recipe courtesy bakingamoment.com
1 1/2 cups warm water
1 packet of active dry yeast
1/4 cup honey
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
3 3/4 cups whole wheat flour (you may need as much as 4 1/2 cups)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Proof the yeast with the warm water for about ten minutes then add in the honey and the butter.
If that wheat flour looks familiar it was from our Corned Beef on Rye episode a few weeks ago.
Next add the first two cups of flour to the bowl and it’s sponge time!
First it’s the paddle.
Then it’s the hook.
Start adding in some of the remaining flour. Start with about 1 and 1/2 cups.
Then we make the doughball.
Got to tell you, this dough was being a right bastard. It would come together as a doughball, then get too sticky. I added flour, it came together then got sticky. I ended up using the full 4 and 1/2 cups of flour.
Now we get to break out the new toy!
After all of this time I finally got a bread pan. I don’t have to fucking freeform my bread anymore.
Does that container of oil look familiar to anyone?
We’re going to lightly oil the inside of the bread pan before baking the bread.
This will be the standard 1 hour rise in a covered, oiled bowl, then punch down and rise again.
The last rise is in the bread pan now.
After it’s risen…
Looking positively bread-ish!
This will bake in a 350 degree oven for about 40-45 minutes.
Nice! But will we be able to get it out of the pan?
Sure as shit we can.
But how does it look sliced?
That’s the shit I’m talking about.
Finally let’s take our chicken salad out of the fridge and we’ve got a couple more final ingredients.
Yes, grapes. That’s a bag of red seedless grapes. Slice the grapes in half or quarters then gently mix it into the chicken salad. How many grapes is up to you. I did about half a cup of the sliced grapes. I like the sweetness and the light “pop” you get from the grapes.
One final addition will be some chopped up pecans for a lovely crunch. You can use almonds too but I prefer the lighter crunch of pecans. Since brother Taj is still having a slight tooth issue I added the pecans right on top of my sandwich.
Let’s get a close-up, a’ight?
Hell yes.
Grab some chips and sit on down.
Goddamn delicious.
This is my version of chicken salad but use what you like. I won’t argue with you. I know some folks who use apple chunks in theirs. Others like their celery raw and cut into bits. Some add diced onion.
Customize it, man!
An old girlfriend from Louisiana taught me this version. It’s a riff on a Waldorf Salad with chicken. She used tons of thyme as well and she dropped in a bunch of smokehouse almonds in hers.
It’s easy to make, I love that hit of thyme and tarragon and the light crispness of the pecan. The chicken is tender and since it’s dark meat it’s positively chickeny! The wheat bread is a perfect delivery vessel.
That bread needs a few more reps before I can brag on it. It was a dense fucker. But you pile enough chicken salad on there and it’s very forgiving.
You all know the star of the show right?
That fucking mayonnaise.
A good and decent world awaits us if everyone increases their doctor recommended daily dose of civility.
We not only can and should be more civil as human beings, I think it’s absolutely goddamn essential to our survival as a country. The level of incivility is out of fucking hand right now and we must fix that.
Perhaps we can start by being a little more friendly when discussing mayonaisse.
Shit, man I ain’t gonna win the Nobel Peace Prize by saying this but it’s a goddamn start at least.
Thanks for coming by, folks. You’re some of the good ones.
Be Safe.
Be Well.
PEACE!
[…] chicken salad on wheat […]
[…] 1 1/2 cups homemade chicken stock *I used the stock we made last week when we made chicken salad. […]
Emulsions are magic. I’ve made my own garlic mayo before and it’s really not all that difficult, although now I’m really curious about what makes heavy mayo, heavy?
In general I don’t really go for the traditional chicken salad, but I love the curried sort. I’m a bit more of a traditionalist on the egg salad side, although with a distinct mustardy slant.
Not eating either of those today though, I stopped in a fancy olive oil and vinegar shop this morning, and it’s tomato season, so tomato + fresh mozzarella + baguette + EVOO + balsamic + Cab + macarons is the order of the day.
Re: heavy mayo. I would think it’s a higher egg to oil ratio?
Agreed on the curry chicken salad — definitely gives it a nice flavor
I ate that today!
I just scrolled down through the post again, and I noticed that Yeah Right bought Smart Chicken. If that chicken is so smart, hauscome it ended up in pieces on a styrofoam tray?
Maybe it’s just smart relative to other chickens? So not a high bar
They are stupid, but at least they’re filthy.
And yet, kissing chickens is the new eating raw cookie dough
https://www.npr.org/2021/05/22/999457051/dont-kiss-your-chickens-the-cdc-says-in-a-salmonella-warning
The Cubs have a player right now going through one of my favorite baseball story lines. Patrick Wisdom. Journeyman player been around awhile, never got picked up or given a chance.
This guy is killing everything he sees. 7 home runs in 36 ABs.
It’s the old story where he gets called up due to injuries and he’ll be damned if he’s getting sent back down.
He’s got 2 homers today including one just now to tie the game.
Very cool stuff.
Decilitre took too long in the toilet and all was quiet. I went and checked on him and he was naked and covered in Mrs Cola’s red lipstick. At 1st I thought it was blood, then I laughed. Mrs Cola was not impressed.
“Well you should hide your makeup so I don’t play with it, like daddy’s spices…..”
Not helping your cause son.
When my son was around 2, he was playing in his room. It got suspiciously quiet, so I checked on him. He had covered himself, and everything he could reach, with a nursery sized jar of vaseline. There was literally a high tide mark going around the room. Brand new jar, had about 12 oz in it. It took forever to clean up, and he had a million baths before he wasn’t slippy any more. (Slippy is a yinzer expression, not a typo)
Great, now DFO is going to pull in a bunch of new traffic from people searching for “slippery child”.
I said slippy, so the porno police won’t be coming for me. You, however, are in deep shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTFrCbQGyvM
If you ever want to really freak someone out via a child’s poopy time, just give that kid a tube of red frosting to eat. The dye doesn’t break down and they’ll be shitting bright red in no time!
Like drinking purple gatorade or kool aid. Poop is green for a good day.
Decilitre likes beets and when I forget it is a heart stopping couple of seconds.
He likes beets? You are raising a fine child!
“He sure is!” – Dr. Dre
Around the time that Beats by Dre came out, I got myself a pair of Sennheiser over-ear headphones that I used for my phone. Someone at a bar told me I was making a bold statement, and I replied that if the statement was “I lack an antitragus” then he was completely correct.
Ha ha ha, yeah!
[googles “antitragus”]
You’re going to find a whole bunch of articles about “why do earbuds always fall out of my ears?” which is exactly how I found out
I’ve used the Sennheiser over ear headsets for decades. They are perfect for my walk or any type of exercise.
I kind of lucked into them, didn’t do any research and just bought them because they looked like what I wanted. Was fortunate they’re really good!
BEST BLT SANDWICH:
Fry (or bake @ 400°F) one pound of thick-cut bacon
Toast several bread slices of your choice
Slather toast with mayonnaise, one side only
Put ½ pound of cooked bacon on toast
Slather more mayo as needed
Put other piece of toast on top, cut sandwich as desired
Consume sandwich
Repeat
Note: The lettuce and tomato are still at the store because you never bought them
That’s my kind of BLT!
It’s a “B!”
You spelled “avocado” wrong.
Canada wins the world hockey championship. Never in doubt.
I do not like mayo raw dog, I like mixing it with sriracha as mentioned below, or aioli of any nature is good by me. That shit plain on a chicken burger always seems like waaaay too much.
Triple H ringing the bell for a Sixers loss is proof Sting should have won their match at Wrestlemania.
I would like to recommend Kewpie mayo, from Japan. It’s soybean based, and provides a nice tang to some dishes & dips.
I’ve heard many good things about this.
Apparently it’s loaded with MSG, which explains why it’s so tasty!
“Thanks for the shoutout, Gumbygirl!”
-Madison Square Garden’s social media account
Bogdan Son-Of-Bogdan with a huge bucket just now.
But how is mayo as lube?
Like that wasn’t your college thesis.
” In conclusion, Nigeria is a land of contrasts, and mayo is NOT good for anal “
You use mayo as lube for anal, you end up with santorumaise.
The only thing that appeared on was CNN, and even they finally stopped using it.
Please read the following:
–
Done?
Okay.
This kid is running a ponzi scheme, right?
100%.
Which is also the annual rate of return she told these rubes to expect when she took their money.
Hadley’s path here is clear: hold out for 3 years, until she turns 18, and then clear out of town.
Or she could turn tricks with the pastor and church elders. That’s more traditional.
“You mean like magic tricks? You can’t get paid for that, unless…” – Eli Manning, thinking of a way he just might be able to win first place in the talent show and be able to pay for that picture window he busted when he was pretending to be Johnny Unitas.
Hadley’s mom is a piece of work too, isn’t she? I’d like to help my daughter, but not if it fucks up my ambitions. I think the only sensible solution here is to wait until they are all in there churching it up, chain the doors shut, and light a match.
Right? That was my takeaway. Like the church leadership position is that big of a fucking deal.
That whole family is a piece of work. The fact that they think they’re so good because they’re “good church people” makes it worse.
Now, now, Eli; you know how Olivia feels about magic.
?crop=891:589;65,0
I agree with your take on civility with food (mayo is fine, it helps with dishes like this and sucks when there’s too much of it) but disagree with the call for civility with a political cult projecting its insanities and depravities on political opponents while delegitamizing them.
In conclusion, fuck Josh Hawley, Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell, et al.
Gumby tells me there was a reporter at last night’s Nuremburg rally who swears on a stack of bibles that Trump did his “speech” with his pants on backwards. They said you could see the zipper when he turned around. Who knows if it’s true, or cares. It’s hilarious!
It’s all Twitter was talking about this morning, which means it has entered the public consciousness as such.
They couldn’t have been on backwards, but they did look terrible and it really does look like he was wearing an adult diaper underneath.
Hmmm
This is the correct and proper take.
/ crosses off another day on the “Can’t Wait to Get The Fuck Out of Here” calendar
I mix mayo and sriracha for a steak dipping sauce. Now you can buy that off the shelf, but I still prefer to make my own.
What sort of steaks is beat for dipping sauces? I don’t know if it’s my cuts or cook or sauce choice but I’ve never made this work. And I do not buy that every steak needs to be just barely warmed and then served with a light seasoning of salt abs pepper.
I generally don’t bother with sauces or condiments for steak, but yesterday I grilled some sirloin cap (picanha) and it just seemed right to have some chimichurri alongside it. And drink caipirinhas. And dream of Brazilian women.
I’ve been messing around with pan sauces when I cook a steak in cast iron. Heavy cream, dijon mustard, shallots and garlic is a good one. You can also drop a bit of gorgonzola in that one too
Yes yes yes. Deglaze the pan with a splash of vino first.
I do that with mayo and pico pica sauce, for tater tots.
I put a little schmear of that on fish tacos. It helps keep the slaw in there.
My opinion on mayo, which absolutely none of you asked for, is that it is an excellent bonding agent for things like tuna fish sandwiches, (I just had an excellent one), and the above-referenced chicken salad, but that anyone who uses it as a condiment is probably a serial killer.
It belongs in many sandwiches.
In, yes. On, no.
[clicks -1 over and over again]
-my post-Thanksgiving turkey sandwich
I do an open-faced version covered with cranberries and gravy, but if you don’t want to experience a little bit of heaven I guess that’s up to you.
/patiently waits for Maestro to come in and tell us that mayo is perfect on lasanga, which is also a sandwich.
+1 for your freestyle spelling of lasagna.
Oh, ffs.
Ha!
“My favorite player is Brett Farve” – Horatio
“There’s more than one way to get to heaven-if you believe in that sort of thing.”
-Rich Guy Lathering Up His Camel
There’s no such thing as an “open-faced sandwich”. That’s just an exotic taco.
Don’t make me push the button.
/gestures at button marked “maestro”
It’s really nice (and the only condiment that belongs) on a salmon burger.
Joe Flacco created an account at DFO just so he could like this post.
“Cookies? Before lunch? Oh boy, this site is going to ruin my pallet until Thursday!”
Pictured: Eli’s pallets being ruined
http://i.imgur.com/NaOH5Hn.jpg
Maybe he meant palette
Or maybe pal-ette. Like, a girl who’s also your pal?
– M. Gaetz
Oh yeah.
I’m never gonna get that.
[waits patiently for yeahright to make Animal Crackers from scratch so that Olivia can make an account for him]
-Eli Manning
In Birmingham, they love the governor. Ooh ooh ooh. Wait I lost my train of thought…In Birmingham, they love Duke’s mayonnaise. It’s very much like Blue Plate. Heavy!
I used to work with a guy who was from Muscle Shoals AL; real liberal guy. He swore up and down that Lynyrd Skynyrd was singing about Governor Albert Brewer (Brew brew brew) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Brewer); pretty liberal guy for his place and time. Makes sense; rebel flags aside, lyrically Skynyrd was pretty liberal minded.
Compared to Wallace, I’m sure he was a total pinko. But I’d rather have either of them than Auntie Kay.
Hellman’s or Best Foods (same mayo, different coasts)
I remember moving from Mississippi to California and being amused by the fact that both brands used the same jingle in their ads, with just the name changed. Same thing with a home depot-type store named Angel’s and Handy Dan in the same era.
Carl’s Jr. and Hardees
Did Hardee’s have the green burrito add on thing too?
I remember there was a lot of southern outrage when Paris Hilton did the Thickburger porn ad.
Making your own mayo (no, that is not a euphemism) is pretty easy if you have an immersion blender. Easy enough to throw in some garlic or other flavoring, too.
I haven’t had the greatest success with my emulsions. I get the flavors right but texture is still a work in progress.
I have about a 2 out of 3 success rate. Which Meatloaf assures me is not too bad.
“Making my own mayo without watching Pornhub? I’d do anything but I won’t do that.”
-Meatloaf
If it’s too runny, add more garlic and call it aioli. No one needs to know.
As I suspected, Finland’s national anthem is a cacophonous blend of fart, kazoo and tuba noises.
Anyone check in on Don T with Julio going to Tenn?
I think he’s too busy practicing his “O” face in the mirror.
Feels like season ending knee injury should be just around the corner for ol’ double-dark-J.
He’s going to be hobbled all year long by lower leg injuries or have another All-Pro season. There is no in-between.
When he’s good, he’s very good. When he’s bad, he’s horrid.
Since he’s 32 I’m going to go ahead and wager heavily on the former.
You ask me, all these Finnish players with names ending in ‘a’ or ‘i’ are just wannbe Italians. smh…
Something I thought was insane until I tried it: using mayo instead of butter on a grilled cheese sandwich. No risk of tearing the bread trying to spread cold butter. The mayo flavor just goes away and leaves you with a nice golden crust.
Try mayo on grilled ears of corn on the cob.
The first time I heard of it (at a BBQ) I thought it was crazy but I was convinced to give it a try. So I tried it and exclaimed “where has this been all my life?” It’s a great combo, better than butter.
Makes sense. I’ve read about using mayo on the outside of whole fish on the grill — it prevents sticking but doesn’t lead to big flareups.
It helps keep the salt and seasonings on there too. Genius!
How much goes on?
When I first read the title of the post, I was worried but then you did chicken salad and everything was right with the world.
Has anyone else noticed that people who open pieces by calling for civility or whatever always follow up this call with positions that are absolutely noose-worthy?
Well, it seems Yeah Right could do to change his name to Yeah McEnany.
Blax! Blax!! Hold on just a few more minutes. The officers will be here any second to administer the narcan.
I died.
And you still want to defund the paramedics?
There’s a bright side. We will have a lovely Viking funeral/ drunken Irish wake for you like tWBS had!
Looks delish! Solid tip on the heavy mayo.
Great stuff, as always…
The dirty* Muricans are up 1-0 on the dirty Germans.
*I like using this word when describing other countries-you’ll be seeing it quite a bit in the next few weeks
Sir, in the name of civility, and as a person of partial German heritage, I must say I take exception to that…
“Filthy” really would be a much better descriptor, in my humble, superior-to-all, opinion.
Egg salad, deviled eggs, turkey sandwiches, potato salad, hair masks, bedroom fun times-is there anything mayo can’t do?