Today is Labor Day, when U.S. workers are celebrated without the commie brainwashing of May Day. Union types are urged to forgo meetings and picketing, and just take a load off–like it were any normal workday. Big Bidness folks grope and spit on overtime laws, while small businessfolks debate whether to give the day off or witness wage theft on real time. What a rich spectrum doth Labor Day provide, and Fozz tore a new one into job interviewers today. I will instead celebrate a particular type of worker: the detached clock puncher.
In his professional habitat, entering to start shift
Whether in restaurants or offices, universities or schools, the detached clock puncher (“DCP”) will only talk to you during business hours, and never volunteer personal details. At five minutes before the end of the shift, the DCP’s exit routine automatically activates: some tidying up the work area, go to bathroom to runoff clock / urinate, and lock the verbal output to “See you tomorrow / Have a good weekend” murmurs. DCPs won’t necessarily peel off the parking lot, but a DCP will never let your car pass first.
You know better than inviting DCPs for lunch. However, treating a DCP as a human being (like going to lunch and offering to bring back something), may provoke an amiable response down the line. Don’t expect to ever find out a DCP’s food allergies, or corroborate rumors that a DCP only favors plain burgers with lots of sweet relish. But do brace yourself for a DCP responding to accumulated friendly gestures with chitchat in awkward moments—like waiting for everyone to fucking come to the break room and so we can finally shout “Surprise” to the bosses’ snitch and eat cake at our workstations. I sure as hell don’t miss office birthdays–point for Covid.
Anyway, even at the friendliest, a DCP will always look at you as someone “from work”, and therefore unworthy to know The Real Person with hopes, aspirations of meeting a dreamy Belarussian online, and currently hosting a “The Secret” spoilers blog. The DCP may tell you tales of relatives, but keep no pictures of them around; sign up for Zumba or Pilates, but never recruit you for a gym discount; and squirm like a worm on vinegar upon hearing a coworker say “We going out for drinks at 5, wadda ya say?” In this part of the world, the last sighting of a DCP who accepted that invitation was staggering drunkenly out of a karaoke bar at 6:45 PM, after a shouty rendition of “My Way”.
And now we pause for
NFL NEWS
Starting
-Tyrod Taylor is the Texans starting QB. The Texans QB room is composed of Taylor, Deshaun Watson and rookie Davis Mills (Stanford). Watson, howevah, “is expected to be a healthy scratch on game days”. So then: Davis Mills will set the world on fire.
Let’s go to the public record! First stop, Wiki P: when Tyrod Taylor was in Cleveland, he got injured in Week 3, putting into gear the Baker Mayfield overexposure offensive. Then Taylor went to the Chargers; the last time he played was in mid-September, 2020, as confirmed after googling “chargers lung tyrod”. Which of course takes you to team doctors puncturing Taylor’s lung by painkiller to broken ribs OMFG…. The rest is Justin Herbert’s meteoric career.
That backdrop aside, Taylor gets the chance to mop up whatever reputation’s left of the Texans, starting this Sunday when Jags go to Houston. Godspeed, Tyrod. But if Taylor gets injured by Week 4, don’t act surprised when Davis Mills comes out flyin’ for the Texans.
The mini-Toms freaking kill me
Expected to play
–Saquon Barkley. Giants HC Joe Judge reported that Barkley “was smiling today”, I would guess at a joke at the expense of Judge’s Mama. Jints host the Donks on Sunday.
Please, Jeebus
-WR Jamison Crowder, Jets. It’s for Covid, and HC Robert Saleh said Crowder “has virus-related symptoms”. The receiver requires being asymptomatic for 48 hours + 2 negative tests, so espen concludes he’s been vaccinated. Jets at Panthers on Sunday.
Out (Covid)
-OL Austin Jackson & TE Adam Shaheen (Dolphs). Miami plays at New England on Sunday.
-RG John Miller (CAR). Even the Sam Darnold Revenge Game got me riled up. As I’m gonna burn in Hell regardless, why pull punches: “Touch of Downs” is my favorite nickname of all time.
SPROTS TONITE:
Thin but varied docket. All times Central:
JV Fitbaw!
D’awh, how cute.
Louisville @ Ole Miss – 7:00 PM
A month ago I found out Lane Kiffin is the Ole Miss coach, after stumbling onto a tweet about Kiffin’s support for vaccination. That was the first positive thing I had heard about Monte Kiffin’s son since Lane’s 71st day as Raiders head coach. A more recent positive thing about Lane Kiffin: he’s got Covid and will miss today’s game. Kiffin said in a statement he’s “grateful to be vaccinated and experiencing only mild symptoms”.
WNBA
Phoenix @ Indiana – 6:00 PM
Major League Stats
Marineros (Kikuchi, 7-7) @ BOO astros BOO (McCullers Jr., 10-4) – 6:10 PM
Rangers (Alexy, 1-0) @ Angelinos (Barria, 2-2) – 8:07 PM.
Tennis – U.S. Open
Men’s Singles 4th Round
#1 Djokovic (SRB) v. J. Brooksby (USA) – 6:00 PM
Women’s Singles 4th Round
#17 Sakkari (GRE) vs. #6 Andreescu (CAN) – 8:30 PM
So you want doubles action, huh?
Mixed Doubles Quarterfinals
Yastremska + Purcell vs. Shvedova + Martin – 6:00 PM
Women’s Doubles 3rd Round
Rodionova + Rodionova vs. Bouzkova + Hradecka – 6:00 PM
Finally, gotta say: the truest detached clock punchers I’ve met have mostly been in the public sector (YMMV). These are the folks that, when you arrive at the office fifteen minutes before closing, meet you with “I already turned off my computer”. They are the gatekeepers of entangled bureaucracy; if you’re uppity by nature, best send a flunky. But those DCPs could help out if you come all humble (which, really, is as good baseline as any when meeting folks outside a prison). Go in humble and maybe the stars could align: you catch the DCP just finishing a coffee and having a beef with the supervisor.
Full respect, DCPs. I will always appreciate your honesty in telling me that you couldn’t loan me your jack for my car’s flat tire three blocks away because it was 4:37 already and you needed it in case of an emergency. That is why, when Jenny once got drunk and told me she gave you a ride home back in ’14, I never asked if your house was the blue or green one. Grind on, DCPs; may your pension fund remain solvent and the rumors of you having an interesting personal life be true.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcjRNijiJBM
JJFozz made a bathroom joke earlier in this post about moving one’s bowels, which he called “dropping a deuce.” Good work my friend.
But let me teach all of you two U.S. Navy slang expressions for the same activity.
Department heads are Lieutenant Commanders who have the rank of “O-4”
So taking a shit was sometimes called “dropping an O-4.”
The other great slang expression when taking a shit was “we are putting the Marines ashore.”
Is it the Navy that refers to freshly-commissioned Lieutenants as “butter bars”?
Yep. Nobody talked to them.
Actually “butter bars” is in all the services, but the submarine service outranks everybody. We were all highly trained and patrol seasoned petty officers and we didn’t tolerate much. Ensigns were ignored.
So what’s the staffing structure on a USN nuclear sub when it’s underway? A Captain and a Commander XO, and a couple of LTs?
Edit: Bear in mind, my knowledge here is a mish-mash of watching A Few Good Men and a lot of Star Trek
The skipper (CO) is a Captain, second in command is the Executive Officer (XO) who is a Commander, then there are the department heads, who are Lieutenant Commanders (the Navigator, the Weapons Officer, and the Engineer). The Engineer was the senior of the three and he was my boss. Well my boss’s boss. Then came the Lieutenants who ran the divisions. Because I was in “M-Division” and we were nuclear trained, and we ran the engine room and the main engines, our Lieutenant was the senior one and he was known as the “Main Propulsion Assistant.”
I was an admiral.
I just saw Justin Trudeau getting rocks thrown at him today. Rocks. What a fucking world.
“Feels comfy, I think every woman should wear one.” — Justice Amy Coney Barrett
Sup
Yo
/nods
Tyrod Taylor gonna win a SB as some kind of coach.
Is this a… thing?
I like reading all of these posts about fantasy drafts because I have absolutely no idea what you guys are talking about.
My interest in football has waned over the years, so I actually enjoy this place more in the offseason. And I stopped playing fantasy long before then.
I’m playing a auto drafted team this year.
For me I am in 2 leagues where it helps us all keep in touch because we are across the country. One league has 6 people in my city and we bet wine each week which is fun.
The other is the TWBS memorial league because stupid Yahoo won’t let you take over a dead guys league. * Gametimedecision thinks I am going to die and wanted to be the co commissioner to that one.
We should have tWBS memorial. I met him several times, and he was a good guy with an extremely good and kind (and complicated) heart who seemingly found every inappropriate relationship with a woman he could find. But Mark’s heart was so big he was always going for goodness.
That’s a spectacular epitaph and describes him precisely.
He was really nice to me when I was a noob. I wish I had met him, you were lucky!
The only reason I suggested it was to allow the league to go on when you go on a bender and cannot activate the league that year.
I haven’t seen this much targeting since Facebook did… literally anything.
Yahoo Fantasy gave me a C. I thought it was a Gentleman’s C, but the AI assessed my team’s “Goal is to Finish Dead Last”.
Still, Yahoo Fantasy’s bot got more wit than P Diddy.
I haven’t thought much about fantasy football in quite some time, which is why I forgot about my draft in the Gratuitous Simpsons Reference league, and this is what Yahoo autodrafted for me. It’s so bad it even gave *itself* a C.
https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/2020/f1/806223/6/draftrecap
First three picks: Dalvin Cook, Julio Jones, Odell Beckham, Jr. QB is Carson Wentz.
Are you going for the All-IR team honors?
I got a B – and I actually tried. Of course, I fucked up by picking the wrong Jacksonville receiver and letting time run out on me.
I just realized that I don’t have a single player from the AFC West. Not one.
found a funny:
https://twitter.com/718Tv/status/1371561650847907845
rockin indeed 🤣
I still think onion on my belt is top 3 Simpson jokes.
Guy who’s last name is “a bundle of sticks with 1 ‘g'” accused of Targeting, sacre bleu
Tough break for Stickgbundle.
Now that the Ravens have lost another RB, I’m looking for other shit to do during the NFL season – finally, I can pursue my dreams of becoming a ballet dancer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaXMZ3cVgiM
Just finished two drafts on one phone, while entertaining friends, drinking, and building a fire. Let’s see how I do.
Did you use your rosters as kindling?
Yahoo gave me a B on one of them. But took two TEs in both. Definitely was not paying attention.
3 FF drafts today is too many
That last one lasted less than an hour, though! That’s pretty damn good!
Hippo’s was a 3 hour affair. I had to check out after hour 2 as Deci was projectile vomiting.
Your roster was that bad?
No, he was so excited BC Dick was here he was puking.
I picked 15 of my 20 guys so I was good.
That’s My Line!
In all fairness Scotchy did say that during the draft
Great hobo-killin’ minds?
Due to the fact I am unemployed, I am not observing Labor Day this year. Instead, I’m trying to buy dynamite on the dark web.
Helpful hint: don’t correspond with people that want to sell you explosives on the internet whose email addresses end in @fbi.gov.
I haven’t seen a guy fall out of favor as fast as Deshaun Watson since–well ok less than 12 months ago. And multiple guys. Every year. Hmm.
I own a one-man California corporation that is my production company.
I am the worst boss ever and also the worst employee ever.
Things must get a little confusing when there’s a labor strike at your company.
I’m on strike constantly
Get my spec script about the lesbian robots?
It’s called “DykeDroids 3000” and Danny Boyle is attached to direct.
At least you get to sleep with the boss…
So every time you go into the bathroom to drop a deuce, the boss is in there with you?
Sitting on the toilet seat with me
Well, seems like someone ripped off my bidness model.
Apologies to Señor Weaselo…but the boys will not shirk their duty:
That’s a pretty good example of spiking the ball before reaching the end zone.
The “natural immunity” argument is maybe the dumbest part of this entire dumb discourse. “I’m not gonna get the thing that keeps you from getting the bad thing, because my plan for preventing the bad thing is to get the bad thing.”
Leon Lett sez “c’mon man, it’s been 30 years!”
On LinkedIn he calls himself Numero Uno and The Head Dude. Well, not anymore.
Still time for him to become the Headstone Dude
I would imagine more than a few prospective, uh, employers attempted to connect with his “The Head Dude” persona.
…Dammit John, and I thought his wife was in the medical field!
Djokovic is shaky, and I am loving it. Still wouldn’t bet against him, though.
That game at 3-1 seemed to take longer than the entire first set.
I’m basically a DCP except that I will always show up for happy hour.
Lin Manuel-Miranda is at the U.S. Open and he’s having fun. I like that dude.
I have a ton of respect for him for pulling off something crazy. Ten years ago, if someone had told me “I’m gonna do a Broadway play about the Founding Father best known for caring about finance, with a multiracial cast and a hip-hop inspired soundtrack…. well, let’s just say I would have bet against it. But Hamilton is fantastic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti8xeyaSwCI
That dude was the alumni speaker at my HS graduation!
The fact that Zymm woke up at 2 am for this draft means she is an alien IMO.
I see Minnesota lost their one good player. The B1G is a wet bag of shit.
Djokovic just lost the first set 6-1 to an American kid named Jenson Brooksby. (Yes, he’s white)
With a name like that you gotta figure he was been cloned in a tennis lab somewhere.
Or a forgotten Downton Abbey character. “Tell Brooksby we’ll have tea in thirty minutes.”
I want Horatio to apply to be UConn’s next FITBAW coach.
I think he’d end up in the shortlist.
Huzzah for DonT and that upskirt Ole Miss cheerleader shot that just flitted across my teevee.
Didja see the new writer? I’m thinking that’s right up your gambling-addicted alley!
Just read it, very good stuff. But I can’t play daily fantasy for money. It would be like taking that first hit of crank.
Did hit both HT and FT bets on Orgryte today, despite only 7% of LiveScore voters picking them.
Nope, no daily fantasy crack cocaine for me.
If it wasn’t for the fact I’m not hourly, I guess I’d be a DCP. I have no interest whatsoever in getting to know anyone at work socially.
Isn’t the whole point of work that they PAY you to be there/do it? I don’t want that to bleed into the “time for me” sphere. Why would you?
EXACTLY!