Your Substitute Teacher’s Monday Night Football Open Thread

Hey!  Put that down.

As you know, your regular instructor Mr. Scotchnaut won’t be able to…

No, he doesn’t have COVID.  He’s got…

NO.  He doesn’t have a case of gonorrhea that he caught from a groupie in Florida, and no he is not using a phony COVID diagnosis to hide the gonorrhea from his wife while he finishes a course of antibiotics…

What’s your name? Lemonjello? Put your hand down.  No, not down your pants. No, not on your…stop.  Just put it on your desk.

And you, what’s your name? Horatio Cornblower? Ha ha, that’s a stupid name. With your speech impediment it sounded like you were saying “whore ratio” and I was thinking “what does that [points] Hippo-looking kid’s mom have to do with any of this…”

Oh no! You’re going to tell the principal that a substitute teacher was being mean to you! Look out, everyone. Turns out little Whore Ratio here is a snitch! Huh. I wonder if there are any unsolved mysteries in this class about how Mr. Scotchnaut found out about something you kids…

Why yes, kid-who-looks-like-a-bunch-of-fish-guts, I was thinking of something exactly like the chinchilla incident. I guess everyone got in a lot of trouble after someone told Mr. Scotchnaut what had really happened with the class chinchilla.  But you wouldn’t know anything about that, now would you, Whore Ratio?

Oh, are you crying?  Really?  Oh, for heaven’s sake, can’t you take a joke, you little freak?

All right, all right, enough pleasantries, let’s talk about today’s lesson assignment.  We’ve got the 4-1 Bills versus the 3-2 Titans.  When they were putting together the schedule this was probably viewed as a marquee matchup, but after the Titans got obliterated in Week 1 against the Cardinals and the Bills fell beneath the relentless onslaught of a rapidly aging Ben Roethlisberger (is that why they refer to him as “grey” now? Make sense) I bet a few folks in the scheduling office were tugging their collars nervously.

Fortunately, both teams have righted the ship and it’s looking like we’ll be getting some quality on-field product this evening.

-Josh Allen should be able to light up the Titans very iffy secondary, which is important to me because I need 12 points out of Stefon Diggs to win my fantasy matchup.

-Derrick Henry will be facing probably the toughest run defense he’s seen all season.  They may actually be able to keep him bottled up.

-Julio Jones will be back!

-The line (Buffalo -6) is way too big.  If you’re betting, you should take the points.  And if you’re listening to my advice about betting, you should be polite to the nice men in white coats who come to pick you up and take you to someplace safe where you won’t be able to hurt yourself anymore.

-Also there’s baseball – Houston Asterisks versus the Boston Red Sox.

[takes flask out of jacket pocket, leans back and puts feet up on desk] Now get to work, you goddamned delinquents!

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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herodotus450

Submitted for your approval:
A short man named Cole wakes up in his house. He remembers that everyone in the world was turned into zombies by a so-called “vaccine,” he was the only smart one who resisted the cure. Mindless hordes wander about outside; he picks them off at ease with his Remington(R) 459 True-Sight(R) Rifle, but it’s hardly fun anymore. He checks his rice and beans stash: enough for a few months at least, but after that who knows. He pulls out his Remington(R) Hand-ee Grip pistol with hollow point rounds and opens his smug mouth–
Cut to a hospital where Mr. Beasley is flatlining, dead after weeks in a ventilator, it was all a dream, if only he’d taken the so-called vaccine.
Cut to a child, with a hospital playset, a dying plastic man surrounded by his plastic family, it was all an even larger scope dream, in the Twilight Zone, brought to you by Remington.

Recovery Whiskey

I’d watch the Eli Roth version.

SonOfSpam

Get Rikki and DTZM your spec script; one of them is currently blowing a Hulu exec.

WCS

The other is blowing blow.

SonOfSpam

SODDEN CHANCRE

Recovery Whiskey

Lol flipped on baseball to what looked like a religious slur. Probably just some guy’s name. But this is Boston so maybe not.

SonOfSpam

It’s been weird ever since they signed “Chuck Filthyjew”

rockingdog

2 run HR Sox!!!
And now it’s 9-0!
Yay baseball! ⚾️
That’s Rocking! 💯

King Hippo

Tractorcito’s arm ain’t all that’s stiff. – DonT, Republica de Puerto Rico

SonOfSpam

Julio with the Catchazo!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. I see there’s more chucklefuckery afoot.

Gatoraids

NFL encouraging that heads up football

Recovery Whiskey

Vrabel needs a caption contest.

Don T

50 shades of [grunt]

hippofant

One season, I’d like to see broadcast cameras just ignore TD and sack celebrations and just focus on the dejected players instead.

litre_cola

Ah the sadness feed. Derek Carr approved.

Mr. Ayo

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Don T

bullshit call. I put all my testosterone on this hill.

WCS

So did Mike Vrabel.

Game Time Decision

Need Tanny Fanny to put up 80 something points to win one of my Ff weeks.

Hahahahqhqhq
Hahahqhqhq
Hqhahahahaha

SonOfSpam

Does he get points for a quality handoff?

Game Time Decision

No Brady “TD throw” points

rockingdog

Red Sox are Rocking! 💪
6-0!
Hahaha and it’s only the 3rd inning!

Sharkbait

MOAR!

Fronkenshteen

Well that was startling.

SonOfSpam

Oh my, he is large and fast.

Gatoraids

Bills D making the right call not to bother touching Henry

Don T

AHAHAVAHAVAVAVA
/coughs
Ha

Sharkbait

Sox tonight:
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Don T

6-0. Hehehe
/🔥
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The Maestro

SLAMALAMADINGDONG!!!!

rockingdog

That’s ROCKING!!! 🔥🔥

Mr. Ayo

3 grand slams in the last 2 games. Asterisks forgot to bring their pitching.

King Hippo

I need Bills D/ST not to score 19 points less than Emannuel Sanders. That TannyFannyCEPTION was helpful to my blood pressure.

clint greasewood
rockingdog

Yooo
Sox have the bases loaded!! 💪
And it’s only the 2nd inning!

That’s Rocking!

rockingdog

Update;
They got a couple runs in!
Sox up 2-0
Fenway is ROCKING!!!
Goooo Sox!

rockingdog

LoL
Stupid Joe buck just lost his monitor?
Hahaha Even the ball hates you idiot!!

Brocky

Somewhere, wade Phillips just broke the pencil he was gripping

Gatoraids

they make pencils out of butter now?

Don T

LATERAL CABRONES 😂

Don T

ai
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clint greasewood

Vrabel definitely an alchoholic ryan reynolds

Brocky

Evening.

Watch me fucking find a way to lose this matchup

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Sharkbait

Nashville bars look like a lot of fun, except I hate country music with the fire of 1000 suns. I wager I’d last about 15 minutes before snapping and setting the building on fire.

Recovery Whiskey

I heard parking a van outside of one works better.

Gumbygirl

The trick is to drink so much you can’t hear it. Those bars are fun. The last time we went to Nashville, we were in one of those honkytonks on the main drag- maybe Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge? Anyway, the band was up front, and the drummer fell backwards and crashed through a plate glass window. Stopped the crappy music in it’s tracks!

Recovery Whiskey

No Mannings tonight? Hope they’re OK.

rockingdog

For those MNF games, I thought their banter and special guests was ROCKING!!!!

WCS

I think this has something to do with it:
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King Hippo

It was predetermined that they’d only do like 6-8 iterations, at least this season.

ballsofsteelandfury

They need to do this full time.

Sharkbait

Absolutely. So much better than the vanilla broadcast

Gatoraids

Going to need to put Henry in on D as well

Gumbygirl

What the fuck is the deal with the 70’s porn staches? They were goofy then, still are.

Gumbygirl

And why isn’t my avatar showing up?

Gumbygirl

Never mind! Fuck!

rockingdog

weird that my icon changed…
oh well.

Goooooo Sox!

Viva La Tabula Raza

There was a glitch in the DFO matrix last night and some strange things occurred here.

King Hippo

From The Athletic:

The Washington State job is open after one of the strangest endings to a coaching saga we’ve ever seen.
Nick Rolovich, hired in 2020, is out after 11 games in two seasons with cause, along with his unvaccinated assistants, sources tell The Athletic, confirming multiple reports. Rolovich refused to get a COVID-19 vaccine. Rolovich had applied for a religious exemption. The state of Washington requires all state employees to be vaccinated or receive an exemption. For months, Rolovich dodged questions about the vaccine and wouldn’t explain why. It only became public because his mentor, June Jones, revealed it to USA Today.
Now athletic director Pat Chun must begin his second coaching search in less than two years. Rolovich was hired to replace Mike Leach, who had a successful run in Pullman before taking the Mississippi State job. The Cougars reached the top 20 in the AP poll each year from 2015 to ’19 and played in six bowl games under Leach. Before Leach, Washington State posted eight consecutive non-winning seasons, including a 9-40 record from 2008-11. This year’s team is 4-3 after beating Stanford on Saturday for its third consecutive win.

The Maestro

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Sharkbait

Actions consequences bitch.
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clint greasewood

$3M/yr

Recovery Whiskey
Recovery Whiskey

Coug’d it. A $3.2 million dollar job flushed over a phony complaint about a vaccine.

The deadline is today; Governor Inslee’s dad dicking anyone that won’t comply and I am here for it.

Gumbygirl

There was a woman on the news tonight who said she’s going to homeschool her kids if there is a vaccine mandate. I’m like, good! If your kids are as stupid as you, the class gpa should go up dramatically once they’re gone. I’m willing to bet their teachers won’t miss them either.

Gatoraids

Going to transfer to Alabama to run as Senator

Don T

No Telemundo. Meh. Goin’ mute.

First album: Franz Ferdinand, “You Could Have It So Much Better”

Don T

TEN’s best CB, Kristian Fulton, was placed in IR today. So starting in the secondary are:

-rookie CBs Caleb Farley and Elijah Molden

-Tits activated Amani Hooker from the practice squad

I’m confident.
In being impaired enough to see only MOTHERFUCKING CHJAMPIONS WOOOOOOO

litre_cola

I need Knox to beat Tractorcito today. Not gunna happen.

Don T

Still looking for the ESPN Deportes telecast ’cause if you can hear Tractorcito in the vernacular HAY QUE HACERLO MEN¡

Sharkbait

Hall and Oates’ You Make My Dreams Come True has to be the dumbest goal song.

Last edited 3 years ago by Sharkbait
The Maestro

Alright, gangsters and gangstettes. Let’s get to SPAHHTSIN’.

rockingdog

Found a funny;

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

jjfozz

Baseball.

I love the whole “unwritten rules.”

It’s stupid as shit, and kind of bitchy.

WRITE THE FUCKING RULES DOWN THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW THEM

WAIT! DON’T! BASEBALL WOULD PUT A METH ADDICT INTO A DEEP SLUMBER

WCS

Game(s) haven’t started, and we’re already at FOZZRAGE levels!

Senor Weaselo

Wait, who’s fish gills? Or guts, but who needs reading comprehension when everything is A through G?

Last edited 3 years ago by Senor Weaselo
King Hippo

I am really looking forward to this. An actual, har-hitting, physical matchup, not just “two derpy offenses” like we saw last night.

WCS

6-4 final.

King Hippo

I wonder if there is a Scorinami winner, where all points scored were safeties (and has to be multiples)

WCS

I’d pay a fair amount to watch 10-8 overtime in person.

Recovery Whiskey

Poor Geno. Otoh the local fanbase is in freefall.

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