Yes, I will still half-assedly talk of teh futbol. But we have some mouthwatering title matches, with $7,000 in September Prop Bet Possibilities for Hippo. C’mon Team Secular Big Love State and Northern Illinois! Make Hippo feel not-head-in-oven-y for a few days!!
Hammers/Chelsea is worth waking up for. And you’ll have to (7:30, NBCSN). Good thing my asshole cold pretty much ensures that, without any special effoUrt. Moyes’ crew may have hit a little bit of a wall of late, with those “Poison Chalice” Europa ties catching up with them.
Newcastle/Burnley are featured at 10:00 (NBCSN), because who doesn’t like watching the two least fun, relegation-bound squadrons for a neutral? The other TV fixture is a hard pass for Hippo, though (Shite/Wolves on USA). Perhaps I will stream Saints/Trashbirds, or perhaps I will just nap.
Watford/Man City is a strange Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), but I guess they knew they’d be competing against JV NFL, anyway. Or they just think “City v. anyone” is must-watch stuff. Spoiler – it ain’t.
Sunday is largely dross, but Men Untied take on Palace (9:00, NBCSN), which could be watchable. We aren’t willing to discuss Monday Night Footy. Sorry, Gooners. But please beat us senseless enough that we fire the manager. Please.
Wakezilla: I was finally able to unlock my cage that work had contained me in for weeks to share this breaking news. . .that was leaked about 10 days ago. Romain Molina is a respective lesser footy journalist who decided to burn every bridge imaginable and leak everything. Here is a list of all the biggest nuggets:
Baylor (+5.5) v. Oklahoma State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
Having just beaten Steerfuckers North (a Hailey’s Comet-calibre rarity), BDSM State is primed to either force its way into the playoffs (forcing in? Game RESPEK Game, sez BayBay) or shit their dick in most spectacular fashion. I am not sure that’s enough value for a ML bet, though. But this could absolutely go either way.
Kent State (-3.5) v. Northern Illinois @ No-Fuck Lions House of Sadeness (Noon, ESPN)
Of all the conferences that play title matches at someone’s home stadium…you’d expect MACtion to surely be on that list, no? But…no. NIU went 6-1 in one-score MAC games, with that “1” being a bananacakes 52-47 loss to these very same Guardsmen. If this game finishes 25 or 6 to 4, you know shenanigans are afoot. TUNE IN FOAR GAMBLOR-RELATED CORONARY EVENTS WOO!!!
Utah State (+6) v. San Diego State @ Old Clippers du Merde Temporary HQ (3:00, Fox)
Technically, this is a JV BOLTMEN! home tilt…but their stadium is being renovated. Thus they play their “home” matches in fucking CARSON, apparently a 3.5-hour drive from campus. Ain’t that some shit? Team Secular Big Love State is your classic high-variance Mountain West team, whereas JV BOLTMEN! play great defense and caveman offense (ie, you always know exactly what you’ll get). Mildly fascinating.
Appalachain State (-3) at Louisiana Lafayettes (3:30, ESPN)
The ‘fayettes lost their coach to the Florida Men, but is Hippo surprised to see Happy Appy favoUred on the road? He sure is, Other Hippo! Bet accordingly. RIP, actor Nelsan Ellis (see banner pic).
Georgia (-6.5) v. Alabama @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)
Is this the last SEC title match for the “git off-a mah lawn” geriatric CBS crew? Fuck, I…hope so, but also don’t. HIPPO HATES AND REJECTS ALL CHANGE. Speaking of thus, one expects this to be the title matchup like 4 of every 5 years going forward. Doubt we will ever see Nick Saban’s Roll Damn Tide an almost full TD underdog ever again, though. I bet his mentioned this “disrespect card” a time or two during match prep.
Houston (+10.5) at Cincinnati (4:00, ABC)
NO Pressure, JV Team WKRP. You got a home game against a middling (but not without talent) JV 500s squadron, playing completely loose. Your fans know that a win almost 100% assures you of a playoff appearance, perhaps even the 3rd seed (because the not-Condi committee would love a UGA/Okie State first rounder for TV purposes). What could possibly go wrong?
THIS GUY BENNETT I CALL HIM WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN, BECAUSE HE IS BURNING GEORGIA TO THE GROUND!!
MOAR LIEK Kirby needs a few years of community college first amirite??
Ladies and Gentlemen, by popular request: the Fat Lady.
Karen Carpenter: Awwwwww.
Too much time. Cincinnati can still Cincinnati this up.
Well folks, the Reedley fucking Tigers made it to their brand new conference’s bowl game. They had a couple of losses but beat the 5th ranked Juco college in the nation to get there. They played Butte in Butte, which is like 2 hours north of Sacramento and…
Butte beat the living piss out of them 34-0.
A decent showing after moving up in competition until today.
Fuck.
Not sure what to say to the nephew but shit they got there?
Adversity builds character?
We can build on this?
Now they have a 5 hour bus ride home.
I said “Butte.”
Georgia’s QB is a white kid named Stetson Bennett??
Fuck, guess I’m rooting for Saban after all. Damn, I feel dirty.
You were right. He was definitely not up for this game. That’s a choke job.
Kirby needs to pull him, both for GA to have any chance at all to come back, (which they don’t), and for the kid’s mental health.
Bennett is awful squirrelly about contact considering a shot at the national championship may be on the line.
Is it me or is everyone burying Georgia too early?
I mean, It’s only 2 TDs…
oh yeah, totes not over
It’s over. GA’s QB is not up to this game. He’s awful.
The Lions are going to take him with their first pick. And their second, just to make sure.
uh…Horatio wuz RITE
Stopped clock, twice a day, etc., etc.
Just looking at the game I would say no. Georgia’s being thoroughly out-played.
Kinda happy that team nicknames were cut off at “Raging” Cajuns. Think about your alma mater playing against the “Foaming At The Mouth” Dobermans.
Or the “Taking a Christmas Photo Where Your Entire Family (Including the Children) is Brandishing Guns” Wildcats.
The Big East Game of the Week, up next, with the Blighted Orange of Syracuse in Storrs to take on the Rabid Huskies of UConn! Next, on CBS!
It’s 2021, and that SEC ref just threw a flag for a man holding another man’s hand smgdh
UC is earning the right to get MDK’d by Georgia.
Looks like Bama/Cincy and Mich/UGA at the moment
After that INT I think it’s Cincy-Michigan in the 2-3 game, and a rematch of Bama-GA in the 1-4 game. or at least it should be, but for suspense purposes the committee will try to keep Bama and GA away from each other until the title game.
Because the committee is full of shit, you see.
THIS CINCINNATI BEARCATS TEAM I CALL THEM AN INDIANA RESIDENT HOLDING A PITCHER OF GRAVY BECAUSE THEY ARE POURING IT ON.
Thought you were gonna go with “injecting it” but yours makes more sense.
be hard to find a needle gauge large enough smh
Death, taxes, and Georgia not getting it done against Alabama.
Hahaha
Tide are Rocking!!!
Sillycuse just broke the Seminoles home-winning streak. I assume it was a double digit number.
UGA seems like a cool party school.
That’s Rocking!
Athens GA is home of REM and The B-52s which is, indeed, ROCKING.
If Cincy gets Bama or UGA, they are absolutely getting pantsed. They might hang around with Mich, at least comparatively.
As much as I want Cincy in there, for the pure chaos of it, there are several teams better than them out there. They are getting skull-fucked no matter what.
If it was straight “best four” it would be UGA, Bama, Mich, and tOSU. Cincy absolutely spanked ND in South Bend, but ND always gets spanked in playoffs anyway.
In short, GIVE US OUR 12 TEAMS DAMN IT
I bet you also thought the Little Engine couldn’t make it up the hill, you party pooper.
He had Goliath on the money line.
https://twitter.com/ClueHeywood/status/1467270186407325696
Brilliance.
Genius
I sent it to a friend of mine who has a degree from ASU. She replied “That’s not true, we only throw flip-flops.”
39-6, that’s stop, stop, he’s already ded territory
I am out of The Little Drummer Boy contest. 4:39 EST, hopped into my wife’s car on our way to the Farmer’s Market, (let me tell you we’re white without telling you we’re white), and as soon as she turned the car on the radio came on blaring the last 20 seconds of it.
Now hang on, what if you were driving to the Farmer’s Market TO WORK A SHIFT?
Like a CT farmer’s market would let “those people” work the front.
A truly perplexing scenario – Bama beats UGA, Cincy beats Hou. Now tonight…IOWA somehow beats Meeechigan.
Who gets spot #4? tOSU and Mich are both miles better than ND, and played much tougher schedules. Shutting out the B1G this season seems like bullshit. And BayBay is still there.
Notre Dame, because ratings.
tOSU might be even better for ratings, but Mich beat them pretty soundly. I suspect you are right.
I think it’s Notre Dame no question in that scenario.
Not saying it should be, but it will be.
fuck me, looks like I am rooting for MI, then
I hedged Team Secular Big Love State not at all WOO!!!
The state of Utah is doing well in conference championship games.
Let’s have a Utah-Utah State Rose Bowl. WHO SAYS NO? (entirety of populace of 49 states raises hands)
The 35er on Colorado Blvd says no.
This is bullshit. They should ban the basketball toss in the Dr. Pepper thing. EARN THAT $100K LIKE A REAL QB!
I wanna see dropkicks.
So let’s say two things happen…
Cincinnati hangs on and wins
Georgia comes back and beats Bama
Does 2 loss Bama get in over 1 loss Notre Dame?
I think they should (or Baylor, even) but ND would get it because of the BK storyline
Fuck both of those teams.
agreed, except FUCK ND EVEN HARDER. Stupid BDSM State.
Or let’s say Bama hangs on, Cinci hangs on and Michigan wins.
Is Michigan #1 or Bama?
They make Bama #1 to avoid a rematch in the semis right?
Bama will be 1 or UGA will be 3 (and Cincy 4)
Yep. I think Alabama and Georgia would just switch rankings.
I thought I lived in a society.
And yet here I am without power missing a compelling SEC title game.
Thanks Obama.
Wait, when did you move to Texas and have a cold snap hit?
Found a funny;
Poe: Once upon a midnight
Beastie Boys: DREARY
Poe: While I pondered,
Beastie Boys: WEAK
Poe: and
Beastie Boys: WEARY
The good news for JV WKRP is that Houston does not have a football team.