Yes, I will still half-assedly talk of teh futbol. But we have some mouthwatering title matches, with $7,000 in September Prop Bet Possibilities for Hippo. C’mon Team Secular Big Love State and Northern Illinois! Make Hippo feel not-head-in-oven-y for a few days!!
Hammers/Chelsea is worth waking up for. And you’ll have to (7:30, NBCSN). Good thing my asshole cold pretty much ensures that, without any special effoUrt. Moyes’ crew may have hit a little bit of a wall of late, with those “Poison Chalice” Europa ties catching up with them.
Newcastle/Burnley are featured at 10:00 (NBCSN), because who doesn’t like watching the two least fun, relegation-bound squadrons for a neutral? The other TV fixture is a hard pass for Hippo, though (Shite/Wolves on USA). Perhaps I will stream Saints/Trashbirds, or perhaps I will just nap.
Watford/Man City is a strange Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC), but I guess they knew they’d be competing against JV NFL, anyway. Or they just think “City v. anyone” is must-watch stuff. Spoiler – it ain’t.
Sunday is largely dross, but Men Untied take on Palace (9:00, NBCSN), which could be watchable. We aren’t willing to discuss Monday Night Footy. Sorry, Gooners. But please beat us senseless enough that we fire the manager. Please.
Wakezilla: I was finally able to unlock my cage that work had contained me in for weeks to share this breaking news. . .that was leaked about 10 days ago. Romain Molina is a respective lesser footy journalist who decided to burn every bridge imaginable and leak everything. Here is a list of all the biggest nuggets:
Baylor (+5.5) v. Oklahoma State @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
Having just beaten Steerfuckers North (a Hailey’s Comet-calibre rarity), BDSM State is primed to either force its way into the playoffs (forcing in? Game RESPEK Game, sez BayBay) or shit their dick in most spectacular fashion. I am not sure that’s enough value for a ML bet, though. But this could absolutely go either way.
Kent State (-3.5) v. Northern Illinois @ No-Fuck Lions House of Sadeness (Noon, ESPN)
Of all the conferences that play title matches at someone’s home stadium…you’d expect MACtion to surely be on that list, no? But…no. NIU went 6-1 in one-score MAC games, with that “1” being a bananacakes 52-47 loss to these very same Guardsmen. If this game finishes 25 or 6 to 4, you know shenanigans are afoot. TUNE IN FOAR GAMBLOR-RELATED CORONARY EVENTS WOO!!!
Utah State (+6) v. San Diego State @ Old Clippers du Merde Temporary HQ (3:00, Fox)
Technically, this is a JV BOLTMEN! home tilt…but their stadium is being renovated. Thus they play their “home” matches in fucking CARSON, apparently a 3.5-hour drive from campus. Ain’t that some shit? Team Secular Big Love State is your classic high-variance Mountain West team, whereas JV BOLTMEN! play great defense and caveman offense (ie, you always know exactly what you’ll get). Mildly fascinating.
Appalachain State (-3) at Louisiana Lafayettes (3:30, ESPN)
The ‘fayettes lost their coach to the Florida Men, but is Hippo surprised to see Happy Appy favoUred on the road? He sure is, Other Hippo! Bet accordingly. RIP, actor Nelsan Ellis (see banner pic).
Georgia (-6.5) v. Alabama @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)
Is this the last SEC title match for the “git off-a mah lawn” geriatric CBS crew? Fuck, I…hope so, but also don’t. HIPPO HATES AND REJECTS ALL CHANGE. Speaking of thus, one expects this to be the title matchup like 4 of every 5 years going forward. Doubt we will ever see Nick Saban’s Roll Damn Tide an almost full TD underdog ever again, though. I bet his mentioned this “disrespect card” a time or two during match prep.
Houston (+10.5) at Cincinnati (4:00, ABC)
NO Pressure, JV Team WKRP. You got a home game against a middling (but not without talent) JV 500s squadron, playing completely loose. Your fans know that a win almost 100% assures you of a playoff appearance, perhaps even the 3rd seed (because the not-Condi committee would love a UGA/Okie State first rounder for TV purposes). What could possibly go wrong?
This Georgia vs Alabama game gonna be very little defense, rite?
If so, cause that would be rocking!!!
It was expected to be defense-heavy, but is playing against expectation. It is, indeed, rocking!
Re: Wakezilla’s contribution to the post.
I believe every word of it and it’s fucking embarrassing that it’s considered to be burning bridges to be reporting it. That’s what journalists are supposed to do.
I’m not sure if it’s just the Moderna vaccine but I remember this from my 2nd dose back in April. I’m living in space cadet city right now and I’m not baked or anything… yet.
PUNT IN THE ASS!
So, unlike Mrs. Lincoln, Redshirt made a good choice going to the play.
JV WKRP has a horrifyingly bad kicker, but Fickel is consistently too stubborn to acknowledge this and go for it early and often on 4th down.
They’re aiming to make the committee’s jerb much easier.
Some tight sphincters in the WKRP listening area.
/that might just be due to the diarrhea chili, mind
A LA CASA!
Houston’s college football team is no pushover. They should look into getting a pro team; I bet it would be popular in that city.
Boots on the Ground eventually (in fairness I also have a 2021 Expo BotG to write) and also the pictures are too big for the max file size. But a good time was had by all.
@Hippo, please tell me you didn’t hedge the NIU bet….
Hippos do like hedges tho…
Only barely (like $500). Am very much liek WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BAH GAWD THAT’S NOTRE DAME’S MUSIC
For those unaware, that’s the sound of a lift toppling over in high winds with a student on top.
Oh, I thought it was the sound of a co-ed reporting to the school that she’d been raped by a football player and being completely ignored.
GUH, bad enough I was gonna have to root for Roll Damn Tide, now I want Meeeechigan to win, too.
Do It For Whitmer!
but she is a SPARTY SUPPORTER smh
Can’t believe I have to stream this game on my phone like a caveman.
Fix your shit power company!
I think the NIU coach could give Andy a serious run in an all-you-can-eat ribs contest. I don’t think he’d tap out for at least 36 hours.
they have to have a satchel of bricks on the opposite side of the team plane just so it will balance
BayBay mistakes don’t die, they multiply!
a Very Nervous Hippo awakes from midday slumber
Looks like you’re sixpence all the richer!
seriously, can’t even look
There’s two minutes left but the game is over.
I’m leaving for LA in a minute, enjoy the jayvees!
-Epstein, waving goodbye to Clinton, Dershowitz and the Duke of York
Have a safe commute.
Oh yeah, there’s a Roscoe’s chicken and waffles right off of Manchester should you be so inclined.
Big 12 officials doing what they can to preserve BDSM’s chances of getting into the play-offs.
Post booster side effects include sluggishness, body aches and a feeling of invincibility.
I’ll make it just fine.
You have the Power of Greyskull!
The only good thing about the NFL’s new taunting rules is that THEY DO NOT APPLY IN MY HOUSE!
[thumps chest and stares down the Dr. Mrs. after resetting the Roomba schedule and proving her wrong]
What a great country. Jump through these hoops better than someone else and you can get an education!
Thanks Dr. Pepper!
Also, if these kids think 100k is a life changing amount of money they’re in for some bad news.
I bought a house for 105K 23 years ago, so I don’t see what’s keeping kids today from doing the same.
Our first house (that we owned) was built from scratch in 1993 for 75k. It was in Kingsland Georgia, so I am eternally grateful we sold it and got the fuck out of there! It was a nice little house though.
Ours was about 50 years old when we bought it, so I’m going to guess it originally sold for $2,000 and some books of Green stamps.
On the positive side, BDSM State does love getting spanked.
Ooh, that is NOT a forward pass.
JV BLEEERGH does not agree.
Hiipo haz sleeps during the NIU game where he can win a bushel of moneys?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2bFCNJx-BpM
Greetings again from MarbleCon, THE MARBLES ARE HERE.
Yayyyyyy! Go Mellow Yellow!
Going to a play with the family during Conference Championship Game Saturday because my family doesn’t follow football and I’m an idiot.
There’s still time to call in a bomb threat
When we were in 9th grade, there was a pay phone right across the hall from the Jr. High office. A kid named Joel called a bomb threat in while the secretaries were watching him. Joel wasn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
Joel is now a state senator in Missouri, I’m guessing?
I doubt it. His younger brother is in prison for murdering his wife in front of their kids.
Your team is playing for a championship and you’re going to a play instead? Must be The Nutcracker.
You’re going to have the worst time at the play ever! EVER!
(What is Mary Todd to Abe in 1865?)
Breaking down the travel time from the original house of Boltman to Carson: If you were to have left San Diego at say 8 this morning that’s a one hour forty minute drive. If you are leaving San Diego right now driving to Carson? That’s a good 4 hours and why the fuck are you driving north from San Diego on a Saturday in the first place?
/Kent State 80 yard TD called back
Thank god for those MAC refs, huh Hippo?
Clearly the greatest crime ever perpetrated against Kent State.
Kinda ballsy of the SEC Championship Game to go straight up against the Syracuse/Florida State basketball tilt on tv.
Greetings from MarbleCon! I managed to strike up a conversation with Greg Woods before Jelle and Dion got here about life and Formula E.
Please inform him that if we ever did a sports announcer draft he would be my #1 pick.
I actually did mention my own picks of Morgan Freeman with Walt “Clyde” Frazier doing color, and I mentioned he and Alex Day of Failrace would be an interesting dynamic that I would definitely enjoy listening to.
Found a funny;
i asked my gentile boyfriend to explain the point of advent calendars to me and he said it’s for kids to “microdose christmas”
Not just a funny, a reminder! The Dr. Mrs. bought some advent calendars with chocolates and we need to crack into them.
Has anyone ever not eaten all of the chocolate before the final day? I’d be willing to bet nope.
YYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sorry I’m late. This is my first interwebs access of the morning.
God DAMN this Hammers squad is up for it this year. I might cry when Declan Rice is eventually snapped up by one of the moneyed clubs. Still have no idea how that Masuaku winner went in. Fucking optical illusion.
Anyone else have the Founding Fathers (Mattison) lottery ticket stashed for the stretch run? Too good to be true, you know? Can’t argue the results, though. Every time Minnesota pushes the button, kid takes off like a fucking rocket.
Speaking of rockets, I’m sure mr. hippo is excite to see J. Williams grab the starting job by the throat and turn Mel Gordon 3 into a couple of mid-round draft picks. On the national tee-vee.
lol Pool Boys
A worthy sacrifice from Commander Coady!
This is the first day of my life I am actually, genuinely excited to watch college football.
Stupid power company has conveniently scheduled a 4 hour power outage from 9am-1pm today to replace a power pole.
RAGE!
What, no Vanier Cup preview? What about those of us interested in Canadian university football?
THERE ARE DOZENS OF US! DOZENS!!!!!
(I mean, not on DFO. In total.)
The Fightin’ Tundras of Athabasca look really good this year!
Who’s playing?
University of Western Ontario Mustangs against the U of Saskatchewan Huskies.
Go Mustangs!
Anyone but Western.
Go Huskies
Rock and a hard place for me boss. Western is a cesspool but the Huskies were my rival in Uni.
Gonna root for Saskatchewan, just to make the trophy engraver’s job harder.
I almost went to National Guard State.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hi829EsJvVo&ab_channel=Crosby%2CStills%2CNash%26Young-Topic
My parents knew the parents of one of those kids, Allison somebody? They went to the funeral, said it was as horrible as you might expect for a kid getting murdered like that. I was 9 or 10, so I don’t remember much.
I think Burnley’s run is done and they will not be heard from for years. Couldn’t happen to a more deplorable side. All lives matters fuckwits.
[two months later]
CUSTOMER: Yes, I’d like some sperm please.
BANK MANAGER: [realizing the vault is empty] Hey! Where did all the sperm go?
AUBREY HUFF: [skulks away, wiping his mouth with his sleeve]
Not gonna lie, I miss that idiot on Twitter. He was so goddamn stupid.
Letting little Brandyn die of a curable disease before the age of 2 is one way to get around abortion bans.
As a dirt Niners fan I am embarrassed this fuckwit ever wore that jersey.
I only endorse infertile sperm, the very BEST of sperms.
This is why Dr. Strangelove is such a brilliant satire; the whole “they’re contaminating our precious bodily fluids” thing is real to so many nutjobs.
You’re crazy!
“Act now and I’ll throw in my genetically transmissible 64 IQ points at no extra charge!”
Lee Jordan approves of the Hammers result, as does Magnitude.(Same actor.)
https://youtu.be/duILno0i8Rs
Didn’t shortened links work, like, last week?
I forgot how awesome the Magnitude stuff was. Such genius, that show (Gas Leak Year excepted).
LoL
I assume your idea of the result in London today would be NOT ROCKING?
Missed the chelski game.
Oh well.
OOOH a smash and grab job. Well played Hammertime.
RUM HAM!!!
oh, and Fronk gon’ drank. U think Fronk ain’t gon’ drank??
I’m having my first freezer vodka of the day right now in his honoUr.
I be going day drinkin later BULLLLEEE DAT.
Men of industry will always prevail over uncivilized mercenaries!
Speaking of men of industry good morning Sir. How are the conquests coming? My serfs did enjoy the spices you sent a fortnight ago.
COME ON YOU HAMMERZZZZZ!!!! GET INNNNNNNNN
Hammers get out of jail, try holding up the desk sargeant on the way out.
Guten Morgen friendo-s. We are all Hammers! (Except that pesky Rocking Dog)
ciao
I am torn. Almost have to want City AND Chelski to win every week now. My mental state will not abide MOAR Klopp ball-gargling.
This is by far the most likeable Chelski team in years. MOVE OUT OF FULHAM YOU CUNTS!
Roma today… who ya got?
I vote for her!
she does look edgy… er…
Seems like the kinda gal you’d wake up to see her straddled over you, naked and holding a machete. HIPPO LIKE
Inter… takes on
I would like her in stiletto boots smoking really long cigarettes.
Ah yes… I too have spent some years in Germany…
Inter…course? Si signora!