I like alliteration, alright? Assonance also.

So, the Bowl matchups for what King Hippo affectionately calls JV Footy came out last Sunday and I was perusing them and had some thoughts. Ergo Ipso Factum Testiculum, here we are.

There are a grand total of 44 (FORTY FOUR!) bowl games this year, so I am breaking them into pieces because I am lazy and you do not want to sit through 44 game previews/thoughts all at once. Let’s get right to it:

Friday, December 17, 2021

Bahamas Bowl at

Middle Tennessee vs. Toledo

Noon Eastern, ESPN

Imagine being a college kid playing at a lower-tier division 1 school and being told that you get to go to the warm and sunny Bahamas for a week in cold dreary December. You just hit the fucking jackpot! This is seriously, IMO, the absolute best bowl to go to. No pressure, tropical vacation, and good times had by all. Plus, you get to party the entire weekend after the game is over. #1 bowl experience, by far.

Tailgreeter Cure Bowl in Orlando, FL

Northern Illinois vs. Coastal Carolina

6 PM Eastern, ESPN2

We really need to call this the King Hippo Bowl as he lives in North Carolina and Northern Illinois just won him a boatload of cash. Something in my foggy old man brain is telling me that one of y’all have a child that either attends or graduated from Coastal Carolina. I could be wrong.

BTW, Tailgreeter is a company that sponsors the bowl and Cure is the name of the bowl (The Cure Bowl). I could not find out any information confirming or denying Robert Smith’s involvement.

Saturday, December 18, 2021

Roofclaim.com Boca Raton Bowl in Boca Raton, FL

Western Kentucky vs. Appalachian State

11 AM Eastern, ESPN

Does it get any more White Trash than this? I think those gated communities in Boca are going to have to hire more security. On the bright side, roofclaim.com will probably pick up a lot of customers as I would imagine climate change/global warming is wreaking havoc on the trailer parks of Western Kentucky and Appalachia.

Cricket Celebration Bowl in Atlanta, GA

South Carolina State vs. Jackson State

Noon Eastern, ABC

I am ALL for a bowl celebrating Rickety Cricket from Sunny!

/puts hand on ear

I’m being told that has nothing to do with it and that it’s another situation where they decided to combine the sponsor (Cricket Wireless) with the name of the bowl (The Celebration Bowl).

Two things: If they don’t play Kool and the Gang during every commercial break, why do we even have television? Also, have you noticed this is on Big Network ABC and not ESPN? You want to know why? Deion Sanders is the coach of Jackson State.

PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl in Albuquerque, NM

UTEP vs. Fresno State

2:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

So first I got thrown off by the “Mobile” part of the name and thought the game was in Mississippi and then I saw New Mexico and thought “that can’t be right’ and then I had to Google “PUBG” and found out it’s apparently a VIDEO GAME and Holy Shit I’m old!

On the bright side, it should be a relatively short road trip for UTEP and they can pick up some Hatch chiles on the way there or on the ride back! I’m not quite sure how The Revanchist feels about this matchup. Oh wait, yes I do because he put a comment about it this weekend on the site. Let’s just say, he’s…. not pleased.

Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl in Shrevesport, LA

UAB vs. BYU

3:30 PM Eastern, ABC

It’s a battle of 3-Letter Abbreviation schools! I think we are all rooting for UAB since that’s Gumbygirl territory and I think she still has a soft spot for that place. I’m not sure how they’ll do against the Mormons, though. All three Utah universities are not only in bowl games but the two that are in conferences (Utah and Utah State) actually won their Conference Championship Games. BYU is independent but is a damn good team.

I haven’t been to Utah since a road trip to ski at Brianhead in my 20s, so I’m guessing they’ve either relaxed the liquor laws, have decided to look away and pretend the outsiders aren’t doing anything against the teachings of the church, or they have embraced Jack Mormonism.

LendingTree Bowl in Mobile, AL

Eastern Michigan vs. Liberty

5:45 PM Eastern, ESPN

Ok, do I get a half credit for knowing that there was a bowl game being played in Mobile today? Fine, I thought Mobile was in Mississippi instead of Alabama. A quarter credit? Fun Fact: The bowl game is switching venues from the Ladd-Peebles Stadium to a brand new stadium located on the University of South Alabama campus.

Now, how many of you were aware that a University of South Alabama existed? Remember what I wrote about the Bahamas Bowl? This is the exact opposite.

Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl in Los Angeles, CA (SoFi Stadium)

Utah State vs. Oregon State

7:30 PM Eastern, ABC

WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. SHIT??? I read the press release and I still have no clue how this came to be. I had heard there was going to be a LA Bowl when they were planning the opening of SoFi stadium a few years ago. How they got to the point where they decided to add Jimmy Kimmel’s name to it is beyond me.

The only thing that should be named after Jimmy Kimmel is a seat at the rail at either the Jet Strip or Bare Elegance, both of which are conveniently located very close to SoFi Stadium.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl in New Orleans, LA

Louisiana vs. Marshall

9:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

Is this another video game sponsorship?

/checks Google

No, apparently it’s a freight shipping company. Considering all the supply chain issues we’ve been experiencing, is it really a good idea for a freight shipping company to be sponsoring a bowl game? As for the game itself, it’s traditionally a home bowl game for some team in Louisiana as I don’t remember any matchups that didn’t feature a Louisiana team. BTW, each time I typed Louisiana in this paragraph, I have had to go back and fix a typo. I’ve typed the word Louisiana so much in this preview that the word has lost all meaning.

***

The bowls will take a break for the NFL on Sunday, December 19, 2021 and will resume on Monday, December 20, 2021. I shall preview the bowls for that week next time.