Good evening, reprobates and scoundrels. As absolutely nothing of professional football consequence is going on right now, it’s time for our annual celebration of awkward semi-competitiveness: the MLB All-Star Game.

LATE EDIT: Atlanta Falcons DT Eddie Goldman apparently woke up this morning and realized he had accidentally signed a contract with the Falcons. In the face of such disaster, he wisely decided to hang up his cleats and retire.  At 28 years old and having earned over $29 million, this man has it figured out.

I used to love the All-Star Game, because as a 7 year old, they all did seem like stars. Terry Steinbach was the prototypical catcher. Orel Hershiser was unhittable and had been for as long as I could remember. Lou Whitaker was fuckin’ SWEET LOU WHITAKER!

It wasn’t until I had a bigger sample size that I realized that the coolest game of the year was kind of lame.  It was either older guys who were getting in on name recognition or young guys (especially pitchers) who were getting in because they had a good three month stretch.  In 1995 I was trying to get over the Strike, when I realized Darren Daulton was a three-time All-Star. That put me off the professional game for five years.

I also liked the old paper ballots, where you had to use a pin or a pen or your teeth to punch out your selections.  In addition to the weird tactile enjoyment of the experience, it gave you something to do in the fifth and sixth innings of a game.

Now, I don’t know what the hell is going on.  There are now phases to voting, and you can vote different numbers of times during those phases?  And you’re only voting for 18 players? The other 50 players are selected by the other players, or the managers, or the Commissioner.  To say nothing of the copious number of replacement players, who I believe are selected through some sort of reality tv show resembling the Hunger Games.

No paper ballots. And apparently because people only really care about the Home Run Derby, any tie game after 9 innings will be decided by another Home Run Derby.

Which is fine, I guess, because the All Star Game no longer determines home field advantage for the World Series.

See, that’s the problem: baseball can’t decide whether the All Star Game is a real game or not.  Basketball doesn’t even pretend- it’s just a bunch of tall guys congratulating each other on reaching a contract incentive and trying for the first 200-199 final score.  Football almost got the right idea in 2021 by not even having a game, only to revert to their usual Meaningless Smashmouth Dumbfuckery last year.  In reaction, half the league found excuses not to play, lest someone pull the Other Sean Taylor and take it Way Too Seriously. Finally, Hockey has abandoned any pretense of sanity by changing the format of its game every six minutes.  It’s a normal game. No! It’s teams picked by captains! Now it’s three-on-three! Now they have to recite the Tim Horton’s menu from memory while shooting or else the goal doesn’t count!  Somewhere between performance art and Calvinball lies hockey.

But baseball- the most Serious of Sports, home of Tradition and History and Ridiculous Unwritten Rules– can’t make up it’s mind.  They figured out that the Home Run Derby is fun, in part because players show their personalities. But they can’t bring themselves to let the players have fun in the actual game.  Thank God the gin-sodden corpse of Tony LaRussa isn’t involved in this year’s game, lest we see guys get plunked for daring to swing on 3-0.

Anyway, here are some fun facts about some of this year’s All Stars: