Hodwy. Your friendly neighborhood Balls has been underwater for a bit, so he asked me to pinch hit on an AFL Beat! As you may or may not know, we are now 20 weeks into the 2022 Aussie Footy season, which can mean only three things–

• It’s starting to get cold down there;
• The Finals picture is starting to come into focus; and
• American Republicans will insist on this season coming to full term and then abandoning it immediately thereafter.

In the meantime YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME, and my team sucks a bit this year. Oh, and as a Yankee-doodle-reminder, “Finals” = Playoffs and “Grand Final” = Championship Game. Every game in the playoffs is a final of some sort.  Get over it.

Let’s start with the Sydney Derby/Darby, or the battle between the traditionally good Sydney Swans and the still relative-newcomers-and-having-a-shite-season GWS Giants. It…..did not go well for my Giants.  The first couple minutes were great, with Himmelberg moving back upfront to forward after shoring up the backline for 7 or 8 weeks under a caretaker coach, and he scored almost right away.  Between that and Sam Taylor solidly containing Buddy Franklin, it was ALMOST enough to think the Giants had a chance.  Until we were like 8 minutes into the first quarter and the Swans just blew the game up like Asa Akira’s anus. Here are the “highlights” of a 73 point rout as the Swans are good for 4th on the ladder.  The Giants are 16th, and for those of you not familiar with the ins and outs of this league, that’s not great as there are only :checks notes: 18 teams in the whole fucking league.

I also decided to watch a little of Freo (yeahright’s team) taking on Melbourne, and a 21-1 start by the Demons meant I did NOT stick around to watch a whole lot more. Turned out to be the good call as Melbourne was too fast and too good and won going away, 85-39.

Side note: Max Gawn is still REALLY good, and the D’s have a real shot at winning the whole thing as they sit at the #2 spot toward the top of the latter at the moment.

Speaking of the whole pie, what’s up with Collingwood? I expected them to suck a bit this season, and with the best name in sports Steele Sidebottom starting to age out of footy and possibly porn, I did NOT expect them to contend the way they have. But alas, they’re third on the ladder and looking good having closed out a tighter than expected match with Port Adelaide (Finlayson ain’t exactly Toby Greene, but he’s not dissimilar in terms of being a very talented and very annoying player that you like a whole lot more in your laundry than someone else’s.)  Here are the last two minute of Collingwood-Port:

I’ve watched a few snippets of Collingwood’s matches this year, and this is like their 9th close margin victory of the season and 10th win in a row. Unreal. They sometimes play down to opponents but still find a way to win, which should serve them well down the stretch.

For whatever reason, I’ve found myself watching a bit of Western this year as well.  Maybe it’s because they tend to put on a run toward the end of the season (at least since I’ve been paying attention to this game). Maybe it’s because I have a colleague who’s a supporter and I want to be prepared to talk shit. Maybe it’s because I want a dog.  Regardless, they played SO WELL….in the first half. I don’t know if it was just momentum but they gave away a REALLY big free kick shortly after halftime and Geelong just dominated after that.  94-66 is your final (score, not Final as in playoff FUCK).

St. Kilda v Hawthorn was apparently close, but I didn’t watch a whit of it. St. Kilda won 75-63, which was a good thing for them as that keeps them in contention, clinging to the 8th and final Finals spot. Hawthorn really gave it a run, scoring the last five goals of the match, but it just wasn’t enough.  Neither team was much for kicking efficiency in their forward 50; I haven’t seen that many behinds since Balls’s recap of Miss Brazillian Bootybomb or whatever it’s called.

Adelaide-Carlton was never really in doubt, despite best efforts from Carlton. Adelaide scored as time expired in the first quarter to cut the Blues’ lead to 19-16 and after that….well I guess you could call it the Blues having the blues. 84-55 for Adelaide, and they’re just happy to put a scare into Carlton–now sitting at 7th on the latter.

Do people called Gold Coast-West Coast the battle of the coasts? I had a hard time giving a shit with these teams pretty much on the outside looking in for the postseason this year (technically Gold Coast is mathematically still alive but I don’t see Miracle Max ’round these parts). Guess I should have cared a little, though, since this game ended up “being a ripper” as they say Down Unda’ where they don’t like people like me who’ve never been to Australia presuming their colloquialisms and/or calling it Down Unda’. Anyhoodles, the Suns blew a 31 point lead but held on to prevail 107-104. Here are the closing two minutes of the match–

RTD’s Bombers walloped the ‘Roos, as Essendon unloaded their payload all over North Melbourne to win 114-66 and get North Melbourne one step closer to the wooden spoon.  Do you really want to see highlights?  How about more of the Benny Hill videos from Boris Johnson’s closing days?

Just for @HackedOffHugh as requested here today at the media circus… College Green. The Benny Hill theme tune. pic.twitter.com/Tazb57gT8e

— GET TORIES DONE – GENERAL ELECTION NOW! (@snb19692) July 7, 2022

Last but not least, Richmond-Brisbane.  This game was 70-28 Brisbane at one point in the 2nd quarter. I gave up on this match and hooboy do I wish I’d watched the whole thing (fine the final quarter). Let’s look at that scoreworm:

And here are the full highlights, for what ended up being a massive comeback to win 104-97 and keep Richmond’s final hopes alive.

Pretty impressive doing it all without Dusty Martin, too, who’s been grieving the loss of his dad and is rumored to want a trade to Sydney (or GWS?) to get a fresh start away from where his dad was a legend in his own right.

So….that’s a pretty fucking good little weekend of sprots right there.

Look, I’m just a simple American, but to me the beauty of this game is that it’s as any given Sunday as football, if not more so. So as these teams work toward their last 3 games before the Finals, it’s as much about playing into form as it is locking down a position within the top 8.  Or in it at all if you’re on the bubble like Carlton and St. Kilda.

I’m not a wizard, so I’m not making the Balls special tracking graph for you, but here’s a look at the ladder ahead of week 21:

Melbourne and Collingwood play each other this coming week and then Sydney and Collingwood play each other the week following.  If Collingwood can keep their winning streak alive, they can get into the top half of the top four and be sitting pretty for Finals.

Melbourne v Collingwood

Hawthorn v Gold Coast

GWS v Essendon

Western v Fremantle

Geelong v St. Kilda

Port Adelaide v Richmond

North Melbourne v Sydney

Brisbane v Carlton

West Coast v Adelaide

Which teams still care?  For that, let’s go to some guy with an awesome username on the AFL Reddit (which is actually a lovely community of supportive Aussies and non-Aussies):

Status: uncertain also describes me every day since at least the start of COVID.  The point is, still lots of footy to be played down the stretch. Pretty exciting shit, so get yourself the WatchAFL app and get in the game! Here’s next week’s full list of match ups, previews/further commentary down the stretch contingent on my coming back to the reverse flushing well here.