I’m hesitant to write this now (late Monday night) because by the time this posts, some Weird Shit will probably have happened and people will be like “Why aren’t you talking about the secret DeflateGate video they found in Donald Trump’s underwear drawer?”
But needs must when the Devil drives, and boy is he getting comfortable behind the wheel. To any young attorneys reading this: if a marketing person comes to you and starts a sentence with “We were thinking…” 1. thinking was the last thing they were doing, 2. clear your calendar, and 3. tie a stout rope around your waist, because you’re about to wade into an alternate dimension of pain and madness, Poltergeist-style.
EDIT: Everything changed. Updating as we go.
ACTUAL NFL NEWS!
*I give the Chicago Bears a lot of both attention and shit, because…um…well, because they are comically inept as a franchise.
But so are a lot of franchises. Really, it’s because I came of age in the Chicago area and still listen to the only sane sports broadcaster (Dan Bernstein) on the regular.
But this has gone too far. Schadenfreüde has turned to genuine sympathy. It’s been a shit week for Bears fans, with three of their top five wide receivers already crippled and questionable for Week 1. At this point, Darnell Mooney, Equanimeous St. Brown and Dazz Newsome are your projected Week 1 starters. That’s just tragic.
But it’s still early times; always an opportunity for another crotchpunch.
So when hold-in Roquan Smith (whose contract situation we discussed a couple of weeks ago) announced that he wants out of Chicago entirely, it came as no great shock. Smith accused new GM Ryan Poles’ regime of consistently low-balling him, trying to backload the deals to an absurd extent, and presenting take-it-or-leave-it deals. Poles, in turn, offered a deeply tepid and evasive response, highlighted by a claim that there are “record-setting pieces” within the Bears’ proposal.
He did not say which pieces those were. Maybe it has the highest ever workout bonus. Maybe it has a huge injury guarantee but no “real” guanteed money. Maybe his salary will be paid entirely out of Ginny McCaskey’s Werthers Originals reserve.
Conventional wisdom is that Smith is looking to match or top Shaquille (nee Darius) Leonard’s 5 year, $98 million deal. Under normal circumstances, I would say that’s a little high. But when you are a notoriously mismanaged, chronically underperforming team with a barren roster, you have to pay more for the same player than a contender. Give the man his money!
*Jets disappointment Mekhi Becton will likely miss a second straight season after suffering an apparent chip fracture of his right kneecap. This is the same kneecap he dislocated in last year’s season opener. He still has one year left on his rookie contract, but after shuffling him from left tackle to right tackle already, the Jets may be done with him.
*New York Giants offensive line coach Bobby Johnson apologized for pushing a linebacker as part of a training camp brawl. Yeah, totally normal. Giants’ culture issues are totally resolved.
*The Washington Clit Commanders also did a totally normal thing, firing their defensive line coach Sam Mills the Younger halfway through training camp. Mills, who has coached under Riverboat Ron Rivera since 2011, was let go for what Rivera described as “a difference of philosophy”. So this guy who has worked for you for 11 (well, 10 and a bit) years, and developed under you tutelage, suddenly had enough of a philosophical difference that you shitcanned him during the most coaching-intensive part of the season? What new philosophy- nihilism?
“Coach, which drill should we do next”
“I want you all to curl up on the field and rock back and forth, contemplating the fact that your children will be dust and ashes in the blink of a celestial eye.”
*Marshawn Lynch got busted for DUI at 7:30 in the morning in Vegas. Color me shocked.
WHAT TO WATCH TONIGHT:
NewsRadio! Dave Foley! Stephen Root! Maura Tierney! PHIL FUCKING HARTMAN!
Yes, this was Joe Rogan’s start, and yes, it kept Andy Dick in the public consciousness. But it’s a brilliant and underappreciated show, and it’s now streaming on Amazon Prime.
Have at it, you maniacs.
Clit Commanders!
Ohtani just homered.
In the top of the 7th in a game in which he’s pitching a shutout.
YOU MAY NOT HAVE HIM EAST COAST BULLIES.
Are we not counting First Round Draft Pick N’keal Harry in this?
I think it’s time for a beer and some shrimp chips.
Bubba never got around to “chips” before he done got speed holes in Vietnam
But still, Bubba knew shrimp.
I got the Western Ontario-bound kid a Hamilton Tiger-Cats fleece for the winter (which I guess is September through mid-June). Ontario-based team, she liked the musical, and “Hamilton” was also one of our cats’ middle names. Reeves Hamilton D***s, to be specific.
Hope they aren’t too bandwagon-y a CFL side. I’d hate to ruin her hipster cred so soon.
Go Green. Bandwagons are carbon neutral.
Oh I wonder if Jack Del Rio has any hot takes on the FBI raid at Mar a Lardo.
Sure he’s been doing lots of that critical thinking
Odd, I don’t think about Jack del Rio at all.
“I do, because she’s my wife”
-Trent Green
Equanimeous St. Brown sounds like an alias John Elway would use when checking into a ranch for a getway weekend.
stamps hoof twice FOAR no
Hay now!
-John Elway, ordering dinner at said ranch
Their father chose St. Brown as his own wacky last name, then said fuck it, my sons are gonna be named even wackierly, and they’re pro athletes, so who has the last laugh?
I mean, we do because those names are amazing. But still.
Mr. Deadly, consider this post BANNER NOMINATED
I’ll give that a “harumph!”
People (or bots whatever) are putting pieces together that Meadows is singing like a canary. Whatever’s happening, the dickwads’ outrage is delicious.
(Dickwads Outrage is playing Coachella next year)
I’d wondered why they had declined to prosecute him for contempt of congress, and that would certainly explain it.
Yeah, classic RICO. Flip his “knows where all the bodies are buried” assistant, then move up the chain.
But what do the Dorkwads and Gaywads think?
Wait, the Bears talk radio guy is Bernstein?
Next time you call in, tell him I love his books. Real erotic.
Nihilism! 😂🤣
Saul has definitely re-kindled my appreciation for great acting. Sheehorn and Odenkirk are fine carriers of the Bryan Cranston torch.
She was incredible in this episode.
That bus scene.
Goddamn.
Apparently she did that in two takes.
The was such a great scene.
Horatio – I may have to take you up on that pliers/half-price offer. I’m about to lose my fucking shit with this tooth.
AND, I have to drive to Canadia Sunday/Monday with the eldest. Each driving own cars, too. So no nap time.
She going to Western?
Inshallah. We is stopping in Columbus on way to London
That’s the spirit! Now, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than me, and when it’s over you’ll almost certainly have some sort of infection, maybe even a couple of parasites, but I will get that tooth out!
Seriously, that sucks. I had a permanent tooth knocked out, (don’t climb up abandoned dams made of large rocks, kids), and it led to all sort of issues. Dental issue blow.
Harry probably knows a guy who can run an IV antibiotic drip. And/or get some dilaudid.
That guy is also Harry.
He’s our ghoulish McGyver
My money is that the difference in philosophy has to do with how much compensation they need to compromise their morals to the extent that they continue working for Dan Snyder and the Toxic Commanders. Toxie gotta come in and clean up!
“record setting pieces”
This isn’t even a good evasion, all sorts of shit can be a record, and plenty of them aren’t desirable records. Did this dude get his negotiating strategy from “Art of the Deal”?
Paul Brown Stadium is dead. Long live, PayJoe Stadium.
Oh, sorry. Paycor Stadium. Not sure why I called it that.
/Mike Brown trademarks the rights to PayJoe
//bill for entirety of Borrow’s contract arrives in Redshirt’s mailbox
I mean, Peju makes good wine, so it was that?
I was so disappointed “PayCor” was not a payday loan chain. The synergy…
Could not agree more about Newsradio. Phenomenal. Too bad about Rogan.
I saved last night’s Saul for tonight, so see all y’all in about 70 minutes.
Rhea Seehorn better get that Emmy. I will have words with…well, whoever actually is in charge of the Emmys.
I thought they rigged every Oscar night; have they expanded!?
Even deeper than the Deep State that got Mark Meadows, Alex Jones’ legal defense team, and Bill Barr in their pocket, libtard.
What we do have this evening is the season debut of Hard Fucking KNOCKS!
Not to be confused with Hard fucking Canucks.
That’s an entirely different show.
Koach Kliff Khaos! intensifies with the controversial new Human Centipede Drill.
Hockey Canada sets aside money for the cover-up
OK, fine-I’ll say it.
Phil Hartman was a bit of a one-trick pony. But he was the best kind of one-trick pony. Were he still with us he’d be a lower rent Will Ferrell because the latter tried a few serious roles. Can’t see Phil doing that and succeeding.
Steven Root, though. National treasure. That mofo can ACT.
Hartman was a chameleon who could commit to a character. He wouldn’t steal the scene or get the biggest laughs but if you needed an anchor, that was him.
Eh. I thought that about Steve Martin and Robin Williams, but they transitioned from Zany to Respectable really well.
It saddens me, the wayback machine to when Joe Rogan was actually funny. Like Dennis Miller in his SNL and HBO days.
When Miller did Monday Night Football it was an interesting choice by ABC. He was truly awful.
He tried too much, almost like he was trying to reach a daily quota.