Well, the torch has gone out over The Pond in Draklin, and we have our new champions, and boy, are they not who you would have expected if I told you in the summer! Let’s go through all 32 teams, both Marble League proper and Showdown squads, and give thoughts, outlooks, and the like.

Balls of Chaos: Convenient of you to start this off, that way just like in the Marble League you can be out of the way early. The Balls of Chaos got a silver in the first event. In the other 15 events, they never finished better than 8th. What does that get you? I don’t know, does “the lowest point total in Marble League history (modern scoring)” count as chaos?

The Indigo Stars should have won the tiebreaker. Then we at least could have not had an episode of Worker & Parasite, where we all ask “What the hell was that?” (Finish: 16th)

Black Jacks: Welcome back, Black Jacks. You have to get to Marble League glory the long way, via the Showdown, along with the expansion teams. And that nice long rest between 2018 and now might have done you good. Silver in the Showdown? Well done, considering the gold performance was pretty remarkable. Maybe you guys’ll get a chance to make some noise next year as a full qualifier. (Finish: Showdown, 2nd place)

Bumblebees: Well, it’s a middle of the pack finish. That’s not too bad though! The merger’s brought the best result either team’s ever had in the Marble League! The merger, and your efforts, are clearly being rewarded. Three bronzes are okay, for a team on the rise. (Finish: 9th)

You’ve got some work to do though for next year. Try not to fall victim to the curse too much and I’m looking forward to the show in Buzzpig.

The Bumblebees have auto-qualified for Marble League 2023! They will be the hosts.

Chocolatiers: Well, you won a medal. More than some teams can say. Winning Group A in the qualifiers and shaking the 7th Place Curse is nice and all, but would have liked a little more in the big show, Chocolatiers. Thank Bonbon for the bronze and try again next year. Build on the qualifiers, not on this. (Finish: 14th)

Crazy Cat’s Eyes: Please don’t turn into a “They’re only good at racing” squad. The Season 2 team championship and now two racer’s championships for Red Eye are great and all, but it seems like we keep waiting for the CCE to break through and podium or more in the Marble League after back to back 5th places. This year wasn’t it. 2 medals, no golds.

Well, have fun probably winning Season 4 of M1, Red Eye. Just make sure Yellow Eye can hold off the Speeders and O’rangers. (Finish: 11th)

Gliding Glaciers: Last year was fun, right? Surprise bronze medalists, auto-qualified? Yeah, that didn’t happen again. There were a couple strings of two or three good events, but not enough consistency. Still in the “relevant” tier, and the chant remains the best in the League, even if the Gliding Glaciers this year did not glide for gold. Just a silver and a bronze. (Finish: 10th)

Green Ducks: Hell of a show, crew. The Pond was electric all Marble League, and the JMR production continues to get better and better year after year. Absolutely love the crowd shots, and everyone was shipping Greg Woods and the giant duck.

As for the team, well, it was up and down. Three separate duck-eggs, or goose-eggs, including, of course, a water event, the team aquathlon. Yeah, the team events were not good. Which means everyone go thank your captain Mallard right the fuck now for carrying you all on her back. Two silvers and the gold in the elimination race, in the last second, not at the 11th hour like Greg Woods said, but the midnight hour. You’re welcome, Brace Isles, because thanks to Mallard this team managed a top 5 finish. (Finish: 5th.)

Mallard was named Most Valuable Marble! Damn right she was.

Hazers: I look forward to Thesaurus Dinosaurus’s video on you. (For those who don’t know, he’s the JMR UrinatingTree.) Because everything was all fine and groovy! You were second in the 2021 standings! Until Hazy did a sadly characteristic of Hazy thing and did not finish strong. That goose-egg cost you an auto-qualifier as you finished in 4th. And from there, pain.

Hazy went on sabbatical and handed over the captain’s chair to Misty. But that didn’t stop the bleeding, as like the Midnight Wisps before them, the Hazers went from potential AQ to Showdown-bound. Oh, and it gets worse.

Three points behind the Jungle Jumpers. Pain. I never would have expected this from you, Hazers. The haze over Mt. Huaze’s a different kind of fog now. The fog of what’s next. Come home, Hazy. Your team needs you. (Finish: Showdown, 13th)

The Hazers have been relegated to the 2023 Marble League Showdown.

Indigo Stars: It should have been you and not the BoC. We’re sorry. It would have been nice to have shown the world that and balled out in the Showdown. Unfortunately this wasn’t quite the case, and let’s be real, this is kind of the Stars’ general range at the moment. Better luck next year. (Finish: Showdown, 5th)

Jungle Jumpers: Okay, and exhale. At least you’re not guaranteed four straight years in the Showdown, yet. By the skin of your teeth and getting the last spot. No Showdown medals, so you got it by being consistently… okay? For you, Jungle Jumpers, we’ll take it, and if it sounds patronizing… I mean I did say three years in a row in the Showdown. Take the relative win and move on and try not to make it four straight next year. (Finish: Showdown, 12th)

Kobalts: …How do you get a gold in the showdown and finish 14th? The answer of course is that you had five of the other seven events 12th place or lower. Yeah, four points a pop’s not gonna cut it. Back to the lab again, Kobalts. Whatever Gnome did in the funnel endurance worked, but the rest of the team… that’s Balls of Chaos bad but at least they did it in the main competition! (Finish: Showdown, 14th)

The Kobalts have been relegated to the 2023 Marble League Showdown.

Limers: Hey, consistently middle of the pack, with a bronze? That’s sadly not a terrible showing for you guys. But I hope you were watching the main competition and what happened there. That can be you, Limers, one day. It is possible. We’ve seen it now. It probably does mean it’s between you, the Kobalts, and the Rojo Rollers now in terms of “most maligned of the still-active original 16.” So sorry about that. (Finish: Showdown, 8th)

Mellow Yellow: Well, we weren’t expecting a repeat since nobody’s done it before, plus losing Yelley who retired on top meant having to bring a new member into the fold. Well… the middle two events were good? Yellow winning the 5m sprint was definitely a shock, considering it was the other three (Rapidly, then Razzy, then Green Eye) throwing down the Marble League records in the event. But overall the champs were at least represented this year. Stay alive next year, deal? (Finish: 13th)

Midnight Wisps: Well, the good news is you won Group B in the qualifiers so at least you didn’t have to deal with the ignominy of being Showdown fodder two years in a row.

That was the extent of the good news.

The only reason why we’re not making fun of you more, Midnight Wisps, is because of the shit the Balls of Chaos pulled. But no medals? Sure, it’s been done before, and you at least had three separate double-digit point events (so 6th or better), but come on Wisps. What has happened these last two years? Between missing the League last year and then would have been relegated if not for the expansion, to last place in Marbula One, to this? And 23rd in the Christmas race, for that matter. Maybe at this point the clock’s struck midnight on Wispy’s captaincy, or something. A change needs to be made. (Finish: 15th)

Minty Maniacs: A lot of middle of the pack here. Seven double-digit points hauls is great, but two bronzes, and nothing better. Sometimes that’s the way the marble rolls, Minties. Unfortunately, not your year. You still have the glow of 2020, so all is forgiven in the Himbarbleayas. For now. (Finish: 12th)

O’rangers: Two golds and a top-half finish? Good. Being behind both the Speeders and the Raspberry Racers? Less good. I know you wanted to build on the Marbula One team title, but as the Cat’s Eyes have shown, they rarely translate. Try and hold onto the M1 title. That’ll give you a leg up on your archrivals, especially if you can throw in a racer’s championship too. If you can get it out of Red Eye’s hands, that is. (Finish: 7th)

Oceanics: Believe it or not, some good news. You no longer have the worst points haul in Marble League history! Thank the Balls of Chaos for the good news.

As opposed to actually Oceanics news… you thought 2018 was bad? You thought that was Davy Jones’s locker, that that was rock bottom? I mean, there was a brief peak from the 2021 Winter Special and winning that, but that was small potatoes. After all, that summer was rough, being relegated for the first time. As was this fall/winter, being relegated for the second time. Because you would have been auto-relegated if not for expansion. But that’s okay, you made up for it… by getting auto-relegated this time. And not just auto-relegated. You finished 11th in your qualifier group, and followed it up by finishing. Dead. Last. 32 of 32.

This isn’t your average everyday Davy Jones’ Locker, Oceanics. This is… advanced Davy Jones’s Locker. (Finish: Showdown, 16th)

The Oceanics have been relegated to the 2023 Marble League Showdown.

Purple Rockets: Welcome to the league, though I’m pretty sure you just stole Team Galactic’s old chant. A mid-table Showdown finish for an expansion team. I’d be more impressed but you kinda got overshadowed by the others. Sorry about that, but unlike the Wolfpack at least we know where you’re from? (Sheetersberg, Rollsia, and yes, it is the approximate Marblearth equivalent of St. Petersburg, Russia.) Try and make some noise next year as a full member. (Finish: Showdown, 9th)

Raspberry Racers: Man, that was a fun last race. Sure, you were no longer in championship contention, but you threw a big wrench in it and vaulted over the O’rangers the standings. That counts for something. If only it hadn’t been such a slow start, this could have been really interesting for you guys. Ah well, it’s still a pretty solid finish. (Finish: 6th)

Rojo Rollers: A bronze and a mid-pack finish in the Showdown. That’s about where I’d expect you, Rojos, considering since the inaugural event (where there were only 16 teams) you’ve qualified for the League once, and finished dead last. Well, at least it’s another year of avoiding the dreaded auto-relegation. (Finish: Showdown, 7th)

Savage Speeders: Not this year, boys. No late-game comeback bullshit, in part thanks to a 2 and 3 spot in the sand rally and collision which all but killed the chances. The Narrative wins, and now everyone’ll be salivating about a 4th Place Curse coming for you like it did the Wisps and Hazers the last two years. Rule of threes, after all. The jackals have been waiting for 6 years, and they’d love the chance to bite in. Good luck. (Finish: 4th)

Shining Swarm: Well, I guess now we know who the Shining Swarm are, other than the trivia answer of “Who actually won the infamous 2017 Fidget Spinner Collision that injured Momomomo?” After all those years, Paul’s not dead. I mean, Sparkle’s not dead. I mean, it’s not quite your Marbly Road but it’s close. Hold your heads high. We know you now and proudly wear your silver. (Finish: 2nd)

The Shining Swarm have auto-qualified for Marble League 2023!

Snowballs: Okay, now everyone thank Snowy for saving your asses in the last second of the sand rally. A silver actually would have kept them in it since they would have advanced on tiebreaker over the Hazers, but that finish was phenomenal. Hope both Snow and Snowflake are doing well in the next chapters of their lives, and I hope Snowy made his former captain proud. And I hope they enjoyed hosting the Christmas race! (Finish: Showdown, 10th)

Solar Flares: Yes, they exist. And after another bottom-dwelling performance in the Showdown, the fandom remained unmoved. This is about the most words anyone will get on the Solar Flares. (Finish: Showdown, 15th)

The Solar Flares have been relegated to the 2023 Marble League Showdown.

Team Galactic: Was there any other fitting ending? We know the jokes. You know the jokes. Of Team Galac-fifth. And for a time, it looked like there would be a twist to it! Like “More like Team Galac-fifth gold medal!” Unfortunately that fifth medal in collision was silver and not gold, which would have made the next event slightly more moot (and even more interesting since the top two would have been tied).

Win the event and win gold. Simple as that. And what happened? One more instance of Galac-fifth rearing its ugly head. Stuck on a hexagon, DNF in Galac-fifth place. Even fourth would have gotten you one more step up the podium. What could have been. If it’s any consolation, unlike previous heartbreak moments (again, the Wisps and Hazers), you didn’t finish 4th overall! Enjoy your bronze medal, as bittersweet as it is, and take it to Galakonur and Polaria joyfully. May Royal Stardust smile at this make-up for 7th place as the hosts and failing to qualify in 2021. (Finish: 3rd)

Team Galactic has auto-qualified for Marble League 2023!

Team Momo: Speaking of heartbreak, like the Hazers, you faded late in the dunes of Felynia and missed out on an overall podium, and you too were relegated, although that happens from time to time for Momo. After a rough first half of the Showdown I was worried, but a strong second half saw you through. A gold and two bronzes, I’ll take it. They’re Showdown medals, so it’s a letdown after last year, but hopefully it can catapult to a solid 2023 campaign. (Finish: Showdown, 3rd)

Team Plasma: Well, fuck. Welcome back Team Plasma. Ghost Plasma’s taught you guys a thing or three in the four years away, if this showed anything. That’s a full 25 point victory. That’s a gold’s worth of points. Enjoy your trophy, even if you don’t get an AQ out of it. Plasma’s ready to prove itself in the big competition in ’23. (Finish: Showdown champions)

(Breaking kayfabe, they were retired because they were poor-quality landscaping marbles, as opposed to these new marbles, which are… better I guess? I don’t know.)

Team Primary: Y’know, it’s not ideal I can’t remember everything regarding Primary’s season. On the other hand considering past performances it’s probably also totally fine. Hey, there was a gold and two silvers in there, along with four 1 or 2-point events. Adds up to perfectly middle of the pack. (Finish: 8th)

Thunderbolts: Let’s start with the bad. You got relegated for the first time ever. And you didn’t do a ton to stand out in the Showdown, with a silver and a bronze. The Streak continues onto 2023. Please, go out there, get back into it, and win a gold. This thing’s gone on for too long. (Finish: Showdown, 11th)

Turtle Sliders: Thanks to the Shining Swarm’s silver the Turtle Sliders might move into the role of “teams we forget about.” And they may stay there, thanks to having a good enough Showdown… to finish 4th. So you don’t get onto the overall podium at the end either. Sorry, Turtle Sliders. Could be worse, though. You’re not your hated rivals, the Oceanics! This time you guys actually qualified for the qualifiers, and they didn’t! Everything’s coming up Turtle Sliders! Okay, that one thing. And Dash’s Momotorway victory in Marbula One last season. But hey, two things are coming up Turtle Sliders! (Finish: Showdown, 4th)

Wolfpack: We still don’t know where you’re from (someone will get on that soon I assume), but a solid initial campaign in the Showdown brings you up to full-fledged members. Maybe you’ll get a chance to howl away in the big leagues next year, but you’ve qualified for the qualifiers along with the other expansion/reformed teams. (Finish: Showdown, 6th)

And lastly…

Pinkies: Well… nobody saw that coming.

If you’re not aware, apart from maybe the Limers and Rojo Rollers, no team has been more maligned than the Pinkies since the inception of the Marble League in 2016. Maybe more so because they would manage to qualify (unlike the others) before bottoming out, at least until 2020 where they were relegated for the first time. And 2021, where they were relegated again.

But this year they finished second in the group behind the Wisps, and kept the momentum going with three medals in the first four events, dueling with Team Galactic and the Shining Swarm until the final events. And with bronze in the elimination race, the heartbreak is over. The infamy and ignominy is over.

The Pinkies are your Marble League champions. As crazy as it sounds. Coach Pinky Promise got to take that victory lap to close out the show. #PinkyPower, powered to gold. And of course…

The Pinkies have auto-qualified for Marble League 2023!

Link to original post with updated gold/silver/bronze logo skins, via u/Novawolff.

Okay, I’m tired. What’s for sportsin’?

Iceball
Rat Fucks vs. Jersey Rat Fucks (BOS vs. NJD, 7:30, TNT)
Fire Horsies vs. Water Not-Horsies (CGY vs. SEA, 10:00, TNT)

JV Hoopsball
Who are we? Wildcats! vs. Fightin’ Horatios (Nova vs. UConn, in progress, FS1)
Flo Rida vs. #20 Auburn (7:00, ESPN2)
#9 Arkansas vs. LSU (9:00, ESPN2)
X Gon’ Give it to Ya vs. Fightin’ Madre Weaselos (Xavier vs. St. John’s, 9:00, FS1)

We fly high… no lie… BOWLIN’!
The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia… fuck… Holiday Bowl (Petco Park, San Diego)
#15 Monald Muck vs. P/NC* (ORE vs. UNC, 8:00, FOX)

Tejas Bowl (NRG Stadium, Houston)
GUNS UP! Don’t shoot! vs. Olé Miss (TTech vs. MISS, 9:00, ESPN)