Your Other (Alliterative) AFC Semi Final Open Thread

Perhaps we could have a competitive contest? Perhaps both teams could show up? I’ve no reason to be salty about the Giants given the season they had but I do like embracing my bitter side apparently. They finally have a good front office and coach in place and now they just need to close the talent deficit they have compared to the Cowboys and Philly. And team speed. There was a reason Wink played up to 7 guys in the secondary because he recognized what fans have been screaming about for two decades-the lb’s are too slow, being drafted specifically to stop the run game. I’ll shut up now.

To The Game!

Bengals/Bills:

-With Cincy down two starters on the right side of the o-line (three if you want to count Collins) look for excellent blocking back Perine to have an increased role as well as blocking tight end Mitchell Wilcox-they’ll chip in to help out the noobs.

-One should remember though that during the Bengals march to the Super Bowl Burrow was sacked 15(!) times in three games.

-We Have Snow Game?: Nope. A light dusting is called for early in the afternoon but that’s it.

-You would think that Cincy would want to slow the game down a bit but they are 29th in the league in rushing. Mixon averages a mere 3.9 ypc which is 32nd among 41 qualifying rb’s. To boot, they tend to run behind the right tackle-there’s another problem given their injuries.

-Last week Allen had two INT’s and a fumble but the damage wasn’t as severe as it could have been because Skylark Thompson. Burrow will pounce on any field-shortening errors made by Josh.

-If there is bracket coverage on Diggs, Playoff Gabe Davis will have to make another noteworthy appearance. He has a considerable height advantage on the opposing cb’s.

-On t’udder side-who does Buffalo put Tre’Davious White on? Higgins? Chase? A combo of both? It’s the old ‘pick your poison’ dilemna.

-There’s talk that lb Logan Wilson will be used as a ‘spy’ on Allen which is a wee bit interesting given that they were teammates at Wyoming. They were in fact so close that they had matching Truck Nutz made for their pickups! (this is not even remotely a fact)

Enjoy the tilt.

 

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Brick Meathook

This game is now cancelled.

Redshirt

Buffalo advances.

Mr. Ayo

A lot of back injuries on that play

ballsofsteelandfury

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Wakezilla

Welp, I don’t think Buffalo is coming back and I need to go to Costco. so I’m out. Later tators.

I just jinxed the Bengals didn’t I?

ballsofsteelandfury

Redshirt, I’m sorry but I just had a vision of the Bengals winning the Super Bowl this year.

I’m very sorry.

Wakezilla

So the punchline of 80 for Brady is that Brady fucks them all at the end, right?

LemonJello

See comment below: they take turns pegging him for 80 minutes.

TheRevanchist

Sounds like a movie I would watch.

Don T

Bills defense inaction
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Cecil Rhodes

Well chaps, I do believe this contest is finished. It shall be Burrow vs. Mahomes next weekend. I shall distribute copious amounts of earwax to ensure you do not have to listen to a word of Nantz and Romo!

jjfozz

Jesus fuck, who do I root for.

Cecil Rhodes

The meteor. It removes all parties, including Nantz and Romo!

fleshwound_NPG

chefs getting closer and closer to becoming greatriots west. right down to the racism

andy the sole redeemable quality

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Look, I’ll say it:

I miss the yellow bar.

Doktor Zymm

You’re supposed to call it an Asian-American bar nowadays

jjfozz

That ketchup and mustard MailChimp commercial has a bukkakey feel to it.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think that’s why I like it

makeitsnowondem

I wish the Bills luck in their quest to commit the smallest possible penalty.

Doktor Zymm

Friend of mine has a theory that the ‘no body weight on the QB’ rule is actually causing more QB injuries than it’s preventing as it encourages both those sorts of ankle tackles and the body slams that got Tua. I think this will be the second full season of data for IQVIA to analyze with the rule, so it’ll be interesting to see what they find.

Also contemplating applying to IQVIA when I start looking for jobs, I don’t have a medical background, but it’s a really interesting area and they do have some jobs that are more pure stats oriented.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It would be awesome if you got a job with the NFL, moral scruples aside.

Doktor Zymm

That’s kinda a neat thing about IQVIA, they’re an independent pharmaceutical company that the NFL contracts with to analyze the injury data along with all the data from the chips in helmets etc each year. So I could potentially work with that data and help make the sport safer, but without having to answer to the Ginger Hammer

jjfozz

stop bringing math into my Sunday!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone want to come mount some shelves so I don’t have to?

Doktor Zymm

Can’t handle mounting that much wood?

jjfozz

You know someone named “Shelves”?

Dunstan

Look, in the past two weeks I’ve assembled a kitchen cart and a bookshelf, so I’m kinda a big deal in this area.

I shall require single malt scotch.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If you can get here in the next 20 minutes, I’ll pour you a tall glass of scotch. (post successful shelf installation, I’m not a rube)

ballsofsteelandfury

Is “shelves” code for hot girls?

jjfozz

Having sucked Burrow dry, Romo switches to polishing Manning’s knob.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Always down to spill that tea(bag)

Redshirt

No call for the low hit on Burrow.

jjfozz

After seeing the 80 for Brady trailer, I’m pitching a new film: “Burning a Huge Pile of Shit for Two Hours.”

Slam dunk.

fleshwound_NPG

why would people go to movies anymore. 30 dollar tickets, 20 dollar popcorn, 2 hours of cinematic anal seepage written quickly for a buck (4 hours if its a comic book movie)

Brick Meathook

There’s a good market for cinematic anal seepage

Doktor Zymm

My understanding is that people mostly don’t, unless enough stuff blows up to make the big screen worth it.

Doktor Zymm

I’ll work on the French adaption, Merde en Feu

LemonJello

If you hated “80 for Brady”, just wait for the porn parody!

jjfozz

“80 Inches for a Lady”

jjfozz

“80 Take on a Lady”

LemonJello

“80 Ladies Peg Brady”

BugEyedBoo

80″ For Brady, or 80′ For Brady, depending on how many guys show up.

Wakezilla

80 Ladies for Brady.

“Why disappoint one lady when you can disappoint 80!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It is about time for a reverse gangbang movie.

Game Time Decision

I know where that is

jjfozz

Eli Apple celebrating a play that he had nothing to do with. PUre asshole.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t even need to read the article, the link says it all!

fleshwound_NPG

saw that eli apple was paired with diggs and knew immediately it was going up top to him

Wakezilla

Ice LioUns finally fire Boudreau and hire Tochett. Tochett deletes his social media after people realized he likes questionable shit and now Fire Tochett is trending.

This is going to be a dumpster fire so epic it’ll live in infamy, isn’t it?

fleshwound_NPG

was before the hire. such a weird situation only the nucks can conjure up

Sharkbait

That sucks for Bruce. Really nice guy. Bought me a beer once.

jjfozz

I did have a small victory last night in front of my mother in law.

My wife reminded my middle son – 15 years old and a professional asshole – he had confirmation class today.

“I’m not going. Confirmation is a money grab. It’s not a real sacrament. Dad said so.”

jjfozz

When did Bill Burr start coaching the Bills?

jjfozz

Romo’s balls are painted black and orange. Bet on it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Painted?

Doktor Zymm

He’s not getting another tattoo down there after all the trouble he had trying to get the Cowboys Star removed

jjfozz

You would thnk he would have the Star tatttooed over his starfish

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do they still drop every December?

makeitsnowondem

This Joe Brandon guy’s a pretty good quarterback, I don’t know why everyone’s so mad at him.

jjfozz

Half Time When I was single:

  1. Urinate (sometimes out doors.)
  2. Chug more beer
  3. Smoke a bunch of cigarettes
  4. Make awkward drunken calls to women to set up a booty call
  5. Loudly curse the Ravens
  6. Possibly fight
  7. Have irrational thoughts

Half time when I’m married with kids

  1. Sort laundry. Feel satisfied.
Doktor Zymm

I’m thinking most of those things can be done simultaneously with laundry sorting

jjfozz

With the excepton of the booty call

ballsofsteelandfury

So, instead of the CBS halftime show, we here in LA are being shown news footage of the manhunt for the Monterey Park shooter.

Probably an upgrade.

Brick Meathook

Those Asians really take their New Year’s Day seriously.

jjfozz

Oh man. A thousand horrible comments sprang into my mind. Damn.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like getting (non Bob Kraft) massages.

ballsofsteelandfury

You also like getting your balls waxed.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah but everyone already knew that.

ballsofsteelandfury

Remember, we have newbies here!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Aren’t they supposed to read the whole archive right after their paddlin’?

Last edited 1 year ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
jjfozz

Stop! They need to learn the ways of DFO. It’s the only way to figure which ones are legit, and which ones are Texans fans.

Doktor Zymm

Are there people who do not enjoy getting non-sexual massages? They’re fantastic

LemonJello

Me.

ballsofsteelandfury

I have a buddy that once had a one night stand with a girl who only wanted to do anal.

Wakezilla

Was she a Catholic? I bet she was a Catholic

ballsofsteelandfury

Middle Eastern, actually.

LemonJello

I was gonna go with Mormon.

jjfozz

That fucking trend started after I graduated from high school.

litre_cola

There was a Newfoundlander in Lake Louise who didnt want to lose her virginity so she only did anal. Nice girl, think she is a yoga instructor in Montreal now.

Redshirt

I read Donald Trump’s I-Can’t-Believe-Its-Not-Twitter feed once a day, to remind myself why I’m no longer a Republican. Also, to know which hot button topics I need to avoid with the family.

jjfozz

I occasionally listen to Ben Shapiro’s podcast.

Brick Meathook

I bought a Spin Doctors CD

ThePirateSloth

I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.

Gumbygirl

I have a Spin ID for Wheel of Fortune. Yes, I confess, I am a wheel watcher!

litre_cola

That song was dire.

The Maestro

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dunstan

I let the dogs out.

jjfozz

Tony Romo is gobbling cock so great that Linda Lovelace is jealous.

fleshwound_NPG

why did burrow not go out of bounds

jjfozz

Buy a chocolate Lab, they said.
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WCS

This is last thing you see before you die.

Dunstan

It’s such bullshit. They don’t taste anything like chocolate.

Dunstan

Such a chickenshit punt. Bills deserve to lose.

jjfozz

I guess they couldn’t find their balls do to the cold. Fucking go for it.

Gumbygirl

Probably more than he made as a kicker.

ballsofsteelandfury

Can you blame him? There are no consequences for being wrong as a TV talking head.

Wakezilla

I haven’t read MNQ with Gregggggggg since the KSK days, but if Cincy wins this game, something tells me he’ll blame the Bills for not letting Cincy to host the game, followed by a “Ye God’s” line at the end

WCS

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I thought Gregggggggggggggggggg was canceled or something.

litre_cola

I am sure he writes for the New Yorker or some other spot that “gets” his humoUr.

Last edited 1 year ago by litre_cola
fleshwound_NPG

broke out the notebook and wrote game over after that coward punt

jjfozz

Hunter S. Thompson was the only writer to ever use “ye gods” with any impact.

Doktor Zymm

I’m going to go put a flatbread in the toaster oven and play “what is a pizza?” instead

WCS

Mail me some so I can offer my insight.

LemonJello

“I NEED HER on my staff. Get her agent on the phone. NOW!”

-A. Reid

jjfozz

I have alerted the local members of the Sons of Italy and they will be at your door in a few moments. You’ve been warned.

fleshwound_NPG

italy has declared war

jjfozz

That sentence has never scared anyone.

WCS

/Ethiopia kicks rock
//misses

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Home cooking refs?

Don T

The ball clearly jiggled four angstroms.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
King Hippo

There is NO WAY that was conclusive

Gumbygirl

Boooooo.

litre_cola

I have a Burrow 3 td prop. Booo indeed.

The Maestro

WHAT IS A CATCH?

LongtimeLionsLoser

“Not what I did a decade ago, apparently.”

-Calvin Johnson

Redshirt

The fix is in

WCS

They were doing fine until you got here.

LemonJello

“What is a catch?: Playoff Edition” is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

jjfozz

Bills are in trouble. i was waiting for this game all week, hoping for revenge.

At least we got rid of Roman. Although, to my disappointment, he was not taken behind a barn and shot.

Dunstan

Oh goody, we haven’t a good game of “what is a catch” in a while.

Wakezilla

In my NFL, that’s a catch.

I can’t stand this lawyer ball bullshit

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Guys, this JMarr Chase fella might be pretty good.

Doktor Zymm

Just got back from the barn and it looks like the game is still being played, so I’m guessing that’s good news and there have been no near death experiences, hooray!

Doktor Zymm

And snow game, awesome!

Doktor Zymm

I’m okay with either team winning this one.

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
WCS

Well, good, because that’s exactly what will eventually happen.

Gumbygirl

How are your poopy hands today?

Doktor Zymm

Still can’t get it completely out of my cuticles, but I’m not going to the barn tomorrow so I have over 24 hours without a fresh layer of mud so I might have a chance!

makeitsnowondem

Burrow wide right on consecutive field goal attempts.