Good Saturday evening, all y’all.  Just because we are in the sportsball desert does not mean there ain’t no sportsball NOOZ!  Facing a two strike (Ryans, Harbaugh) count, the Wal-Mart + Condi braintrust decided to go “all in” with the former Saints coach.  A discussion on our homer-ish feelings follows.

KH: First off, thanks much to Alex, for joining the Clubhouse, and agreeing to this joint venture.  His thoughts will no doubt be MOAR coherent and less pill-addled than Hippo’s (or Other Hippo’s).  Now, let’s jump right in.

I feel like I should be happier about this than I am.  From what I’ve seen in mock drafts, there aren’t any great OT options (even at RT) on the board at #29.  So is it that big a loss?

Well, maybe if he is the coach you REALLY wanted.  And I don’t think that’s true.  But losing DeMeco Ryans to the motherfucking 500s is a damned low blow to Donks pride.  The Payton hire moved the media away from that, instantly.

My worry is that the game MIGHT have passed Fat Sean by.  Sorry for the bad pun, but is he still hungry?  Is he ready for the less-friendly media bubble he gets in Denver?  Does he truly appreciate how shitty Charmslinger was in 2022?

I really don’t know.  Like the Waltons + Condi…I was geeked about Ryans, too.  And by nature, I default to pessimism.  Talk me off the ledge, Alex?

Alex:  Thanks for having me! Quick question, what does it mean to be “anti-pants?”

Everyone whose name is a variation of “Payton” has made positive impacts on our team. Whether it was SB50 or drafting PS2 & Javonte Williams, We’re a Payton team as much as we are a team that wins with QBs drafted 1st overall by the Colts. Yes, I know, there’s also SB48 and signing the biggest belly flop of a QB transition in recent history. But perhaps for each yikes there is a wow.  Coach Payton could be the Payton to definitively put the overall Payton Impact Performance Index (PiPi) firmly in the wow.

I never wanted DeMeco Ryans. I have no hate for him but I wanted an actual proven offensive coach, not Hackett who already looked like Adam Gase 2.0 BEFORE we hired him. Payton is that proven offensive coach. He made it work with Drew Brees when he was perceived as a flop in San Diego, and there was a time when Drew Brees was considered “too short to play football,” a statement some people also made about Russell Wilson early on.

Payton has also been adept at figuring out how to operate while a franchise is mortgaging its future. That’s certainly us right now, just as it was the Saints until he retired and they gave in to the collapse. If you, like all Americans, hang on each word spoken by Mel Kiper Jr, this is not a good draft and we may have gotten more value for our picks than we currently realize.

Condi Rice, same as her father Jerry, truly understood whether the 9ers had a winner in DeMeco Ryans. She stared into his eyes, and he blinked. How serendipitous then that we had a backup plan named Payton to put us back in the news. If DeMeco wants less pressure and no income tax in Houston, I say they can have him. Give me the visor toting, hall of fame voting, post-lunch gut bloating head coach who doesn’t shy away from a puzzle.

KH:  I heartily approve of the PiPi.  It already wakes me up several times each night.  And what you posted DOES help me feel better.  “Anti-pants” is a metaphor for the tyranny against our sagging, old man guts.  For whenever our wives/husbands/courtesans demand that we “put on some real people clothes.”

In short, I don’t think sweatpants count.  Plus, I have cats, and they frown seriously upon human nudity.  They give the orders, my job is to obey.

I could see Payton’s N’Awlins experience cutting both ways.  Not sure I want him aggressively kicking the “can of pain” endlessly into the future, as he will only be in CO 4-5 years (at least one suspects).  But the fanbase desperately needs SOMETHING to go right in the short-term.  As do I, with Everton kicking me in the bollocks every goddamned week.

Breesus might be the most coachable QB ever.  I worry that Charmslinger might not be wired that way.  His stubbornness (I have followed and loved the dude since his first snap in a Wolven Sort uniform) has carried him a loooooong way in life, and it will take a lot to change that default setting.  And I mean that in a “human nature” way, not as criticism.  Wilson is a genuinely good dude, just an aggressively “Dad jeans” kind of dork.

Defensive coordinator looks like the next big domino.  I’d really like Evero to stay, and would also be fine with Don Fangio coming back (he’s an incredibly good DC, just an average head coach).

Now that OT is mostly off the board, I think about the Draft more in terms of “late round QB darts.”  I wouldn’t mind seeing Payton pull the trigger on Fresno State’s Jake Haener, in Round 5 or 6.

Alex:  What I’m hearing is that you feel like Russell Wilson is firmly ‘pro-pants?’ I’ll be honest, I wore jeans for the first time in 2 years this week and I’m happy to be back in elastic.

I think last year may have been the most humbling experience of Wilson’s life. I believe him when he says he’s evaluating every aspect of his life and is willing to do anything for success. If I’m me, and I am, I’d be thoroughly cowed and ready to submit to the PiPi.

Fangio’s DC powers are unquestionable, but I can’t stand him after how he treated his players as a head coach. I don’t want to open a can of worms about Drew Lock but we can all agree he scapegoated him HARD after the covid thing. Was Lock an idiot, and probably dishonest with Fangio? Yeah, I’d believe it. Was every other QB doing the same shit, looking for an edge and not taking covid seriously? You bet. I don’t blame Fangio for being embarrassed that the Broncos ended up making history with our no QBs game, but he wasn’t embarrassed enough to submit to the PiPi so Miami can have him.

I like Evero for sure but I’d be fine with Flores too. I’m most interested in Mark Schlereth coming back as OL coach – in the short time I spent with him I found him to be an articulate, influential leader who naturally brings out the big boy in big boys.

Probably my largest concern for next season is team health. We’ve suffered more season ending injuries during practice than any other franchise over the past 5 years. Dove Valley is a death trap and while our new ownership has said they’re looking into it, I want answers and change so we can stop losing talent before they contribute. What do you think could be causing the practice injuries?

KH:  We’ve probably been smoking too much of the Devil’s Lettuce (smh).  Though I suspect a good portion is bad luck, I’d also rather we found a “happy medium” in Training Camp/Pre-Season, between “old school” drudgery and Failson Hackett’s free throw shooting contests.  I am a firm believer that all sports training regimens should involve yoga, and I’d also seriously encourage OL and DL to take some form of dance instruction.

Had never thought about the Horse Cock Lock scapegoating that way, but I could see how that would have been taken poorly in the locker room (the players all apparently liked Mr. Third Leg, despite his iffy quartered backing).  And you’re right, that’s not good leadership.

Stink as OL coach could definitely work.  He got the absolute maximum out of his own talent, and is passionate about the game.  Kind of a meathead, though.  I’d be super happy getting him out of the broadcast booth, he’s the worst part of every RedZone Sunday (except when RedZone Sunday ends).  Would he be too traditional in his approach for the modern player?  I dunno.  But he can’t possibly suck worse than the guy Rosberg fired.

Flores coming on board just might make my dick move.  LOVE that chip on his shoulder, and he has the Coach Epps seal of approval.  Somehow, I hadn’t heard of that possibility.  I suppose the Dream Scenario is Evero getting the Qards or Humps HC gig, because we’d gain a compensatory pick (I want to say Santa Clara got a 3rd for Ryans signing with the 500s).

Any more odds and ends floating in your Donks/NFL brain?  I will cede the floor for you to take us home!

Alex:  I didn’t consider the compensatory pick for Evero, that could be good. All I’ve got left is a thought or two about the rumors of a new Mile High Stadium. If we’re really going to do it, and I’m not necessarily against it, I hope we do it big and court a Super Bowl. Denver declined the chance to host the Winter Olympics back in the 80s and we’re a much more developed city now, so it’d be nice to see the Mile High City get some national attention. I wouldn’t mind seeing that riverwalk bullshit get built in Glendale and the open container law passed so people can gamble, drink, smoke some of that green and walk to a football game downtown. We have a great history of wide open mountain views and natural grass so I’d want to keep that in some way, but still have either a retractable roof or at least a cantilever like they do in Seattle to keep February football an option. I also think that it’d be the ultimate ‘cool new ownership’ move if they named it Pat Bowlen Field at Mile High for the first year before renaming it Great Value Field or whatever.

It’s been a pleasure writing with you, Hippo friend! I wish you a very handsome Owl and I’ll see you in the comments.