Total Recall – Revisiting Footy at the Half-ish-way Point

Hippo is still too angry to see straight.  But good news (if not an Evertonian) – footy is back this weekend.  Bad news?  The fixture slate sucks hobo asshole.  At least until tomorrow’s Spotlight Dance (Spurs v. City, 11:30, NBC).

So, let us look back upon what has happened to date, and what may still cometh:

Give us your percentage odds that Arsenal are crowned Shempions (this season).

KH:  I have been all in on these Pistoleros since October.  They are real, and they are fantastic.  80%, and I think that’s being pretty conservative.  Only City can catch them, and they’ll focus on Pep’s White Whale (Europe).  Not that City will GIVE UP – but they need, at minimum, 4 of 6 points (in the two they still have to play with Aretea’s men) to even take it to the last week or two.  I think.

BALLS: I still think Horatio masturbates too much with the dwarf to have nice things. This Arsenal team is one of the best they’ve had in years but City is a machine. I think Pep rallies them back to win again. I call it 40%.

LC: Of the ‘big’ clubs I hate Arsenal the least. Back in the day when they had Overmars, the de Boer brothers, Henry they were so enjoyable to watch. I mean even the name David Seaman is erotic. I do however think they are going to hit a low patch and City will be right with them as those mercenaries do not fuck about. I would give them a 50% chance to win the whole enchilada.

What shit team has surprised you the most?

KH:  West Ham.  I knew I was on shaky ground predicting them Top 6 – but in no way, shape, or form did I sniff them anywhere near farting distance of the relegation zone.  Perhaps they’ll recover, but even top half seems a stretch now.

BALLS: Everton. This team was consistently in the 7th or 8th spot for several years in a row and now all of a sudden they’re on the verge of relegation. That’s a gigantic drop. I picked them at the beginning of the year to drop but that was mostly to make fun of Hippo. I secretly thought they would manage to end around 14th. They’re horrible.

LC: I also am with Balls on this one, Everton. What in the actual fuck is happening there? Was it Tight Pants Frank? When Mighty Whitey yo-yoed it was because either our coach sucked or we made the wrong moves in order to stay up. I all along have said that Everton will stay up by the thinnest of margins but there had better be a Dyche great escape coming.

What non-Arsenal team has surprised you most in a good way?

KH:  Praise Beesus.  Forget about “Second Season Syndrome” – they’ve improved significantly, and are in the Zooropa/Zooropa NIT conversation.  Thomas Frank is one hell of a manager.  Maybe that’s who Chelski should have poached from the overachievers’ ranks?

BALLS: I have to concur with the Hippo. Most teams that come up from the Championship tend to yoyo within a year or two. (Sorry Litre!) Brentford have not only managed to stay up, but they are actually getting better! A top ten finish is not out of the realm of possibility.

LC:

I think we all know where I am going with this….

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The first half of the season has been orgasmic and also incredibly frustrating for me. Fulham under ex-Everton boss Marco Silva have been amazing. Scott Parker can eat a big bag of dicks for what he did to us the last time we were up. Mitro can’t score in the Prem, suck it haters. Tim Ream is too old, he has been a revelation. Willian? dude is a 100 years old, bite me. The additions that Tony Khan (still hate him) and Marco have made to the side are impressive. They didn’t go crazy like 2 yoyos ago where no one gelled and every weekend I wanted to play in traffic. Jim Nantz’s favoUrite keeper Bernd ‘toast’ Leno has been amazing and we bought him for the same price as a Nando’s takeaway. The two Portuguese lads have been unreal in our midfield and the Diop kid from West Ham has slotted in seamlessly.

The frustrating part is we actually should be higher in the table! We have given up too many Fulhamish late goals to big clubs where we should have gotten points. VAR can lick my taint for the result in the West Ham game.

Will we finish in European position? No. Will we finish in the top ten? Maybe. But fuck it we are staying up.

Many of you have had to hear a lot about a wee club with an old stadium in London over the years. I say this from the deepest part of me. Suck it Chelsea. Since the last time we beat you, you clowns have spent 300 million. 300 million is bigger than the gdp of entire countries, we drew nil-nil. Thank you TWBS.

Fulham is in 6th and it feels great!

Off the wall vibes for the 2nd half?

KH:  After a hammering (home and away) to Real Cuntfaces of Madrid in the Sweet Sixteen…Klopp resigns in frustration, citing burnout.  OK, this is me wishcasting because I need sommet to keep my head out of the oven.  But those hammerings are at least highly plausible.  I am tumescent just imagining it.

BALLS: The EPL-centric crowd here finally realizes that La Liga is a wonderful league that deserves much more attention. Ha ha, just kidding! I don’t think that this year’s Champions League winner will be one of the usual suspects….

LC: Forest finishes in the top 10 with 75 players in their dressing room. The scum from up the road do not get it together and they fire Potter who wishes he back at the Brighton coast. Everton stay up. City win the Champions League but do not win the Prem. Liverpool and Real Madrid match gets hit by a Chinese Space Balloon and destroys the stadium.