TGIF! We’ve made it to the important part of March: Selection Sunday. Hope everyone got their time off requests submitted and approved for next week. Also, DST is this weekend for those that celebrate. And change those batteries in your smoke detectors.
Survival – Personal Edition
For those of us not currently buried in snow or enduring an atmospheric river, spring is basically here. Which means it’s time to hit the high seas with our decadent yachts. Unfortunately, the seas also contain many dangers. Today, we’re covering pirates. Here’s how to survive an attack.
- Take evasive action. Change directions abruptly, increase speed, and head towards shore.
- Make your situation known to other ships in the area. Use VHF channel 16 to send a distress signal and your location. Shore based rescue services need as much advanced warning as possible to assist.
- Secure access to the ship. Attach rat guards to mooring lines and lock all doors and hatches.
- Spray water on the deck to make it slippery, focusing on areas where boarding is easiest. Keep pressure in the water lines for use to repel the pirates when onboard.
- Confuse the pirates with a light and sound show. Shine bright lights at them when they’re trying to board. Blast the horn and fire off rocket signals to alert nearby ships. In dire situations, consider training flares at the pirates directly.
- Ok, you’ve done your song and dance, but you’ve been boarded. Just cooperate at this point. Give them what they want and get them off your ship as quickly as possible. Do not escalate, and do not try to use weapons. You are most likely out gunned.
Congrats! You survived a pirate attack. Hopefully without reaching that last step. But, you may be protesting, that’s not fair! How can I avoid a pirate attack? Great news, I have some helpful tips on that front too!
- Appear busy. Have crew members constantly moving about the ship in viewable areas. Enough activity may appear to the pirates that you’re not only aware of their presence, but you’re prepared for them.
- Throw out that patrol schedule. You don’t want the pirates to pick up on a scheduled patrol. Vary it up and make sure that variance isn’t repetitive.
- Do not skimp on the night patrol. Most pirate attacks are between 01:00 and 06:00 hours. Make sure you’re covered during those hours with a particular focus on the stern.
- Stay in contact with authorities on the shore and nearby vessels. Each of you will be able to communicate sightings and dangers nearby.
- Make your ship look undesirable to pirate. Remove anything valuable from the decks. Keep the deck well lit. Also use overside lights to keep the water around the ship illuminated.
Ok, that’s the end of today’s pirate lessons. Stay alert, stay safe, and enjoy yachting.
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Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!
Hey everybody!
Yes, it’s still cold and rainy and fuck driving on the freeway every goddamn time it rains!
I’m home, safe and I’m cooking all weekend long.
The Sunday Gravy test kitchen is open and in full fucking swing!
Something tasty this way comes.
Ciao Buddy. Happy (kitchen) trails.
Yep. Still want to punch Bobby Hurley in the dick.
I always thought the movie “Draft Day” was completely unrealistic. Until today when the Bears annihilated the Panthers in that deal.
“And give us DJ Moore just because I feel like it, you pancake eating motherfucker!”
~R. Poles, Chicago IL
How to be safe from pirates, in oh so many different ways:
Or better yet, making pirates uncomfortable near their launch points
Big thumbs up to our hero… Mr. Ayo!
That’s not your thumb.
looks down
/blushes
I think it’s more likely that sports fandom dies before women’s hoops becomes a legitimate thing.
I have watched women’s college basketball since the early 90’s. The WNBA, not so much.
IT’’S JUST A VERY LARGE CLITORIS!!
That’s a helluva present!
My nominations for sexiest men the world has ever known:
1. Burt Reynolds
2. Tom Selleck
3. The Rock
4. Machete
5. Ravishing Rick Rude
6. Genghis Kahn*
*Dude had more kids than Darrelle Revis
Gumby is wearing a Trejos Tacos shirt. He has two. I guess Machete would be on his list too. Not gonna ask, don’t wanna know.
You should ask. He might agree with the entire list.
He sez he would add Khal Drogo.
But apparently he didn’t say to subtract anyone!
I’m invoking wifely privilege and yeeting Tom Selleck.
Nooooooo! Not Magnum PI.
BTW, Bret Easton Ellis’s new novel The Shards is fantastic. Been a long time since I read something that made me scared to go to bed.
Same feeling I get when I’m worried about The Sharts.
There aren’t enough sexy pictures of Riley Dandy – here or anywhere else.
My apologies. I will try to do better going forward.
Go to your room for a while. But, lock the door.
It’s not your fault, like I said, she doesn’t appear to be too well-represented on the internet. But I think she’s pretty foxy.
The whole piracy thing is why Seasteading (that thing that libertarians want to do where they turn old cruise ships into their own sovereign nations) will never, in a million years, work. One pirate crew gets their hands on an old Soviet torpedo and they can demand all your crypto in exchange for not sinking your ass. And then, once you’ve paid off the ransom, they can sink you anyways, simply because pirates are dickholes.
Say what you want about those idiots who create their own micronations, at least they don’t need to worry about their micronation sinking into the ground (earthquakes notwithstanding)
Correct. People love the idea of anarchy until they have to actually live in it.
Stolen from Christopher Titus:
“Defund the police!”
“Fine. When I steal your stereo, don’t go crying to the police.”
The only time when the cops around here actually dealt with burglary was when some folks started stealing mail. I guess the local cops didn’t want US Marshalls invading their turf, so they decided to fight some crime and catch the crooks for a change. It took them about a week or two, then they finally caught them.
Pirate Attack: Have a safe room inside the boat with functional engine room, navigation and communcation. Once activated, all power to the other areas of the ship will be cut off so the pirate can’t gain control of the ship. They’ll spend time looking for the crew and how to control the ship while you go Full Speed Ahead towards help.
The Safe Room will be deep inside the boat accessible by false door in the floor which will be locked inside once the ship is lost to the pirates. It will also be sound proof so the crew can’t be found and so the pirates can’t scare the crew into compliance.
In case of Pirate Alert, all crew immediately goes to the Safe Room for safety and to eliminate being used by the pirates as a hostage. Anyone who is slow or lazy, best of luck in your next life.
This is ideal. But the costs are usually in excess to the danger.
What if I struck up a musical number with the pirates to get them engaged, then steal THEIR boat while they are performing the chorus?
Trick them into performing the finale on their boat. When they hit the last note, that’s the cue to fire a cannon at the side of their boat.
This is why you are the Admiral.
Sounds like pirating talk to me, #BastardMan
The “NOT” plaque has fallen off. I’m having it fixed.
Me: “My town is so small….”
Audience: “HOW SMALL IS IT, SCOTCHY?”
Me: “It’s so small, every time I run into one of my wife’s extended family members at the grocery store, they look at the items in my basket and make a comment about them relating to a health scare I experienced last September!”
/really and truly, What The Fucking What?
An underrated feature of “big city” life is being able to go about your business all day and not run into people who know way too much shit about you.
Or in both Hippo and Ted Kaczynski’s case, just move out to the wilderness and be an angry loner writing manifestos.
That’s my retirement plan!
If hawaii is the wilderness….
And when you do run into people you don’t feel like dealing with you can just pretend to be someone else, they must be confused, it’s a big city, lots of people look like each other.
Oh hell yeah. I prefer to keep a low profile.
We all know how and why the local transient population doesn’t get the chance to grow any larger…
This makes your…”hobby” even more impressive
“That’s a pretty big cucumber, don’t you think Scotchy?”
So landed in Vegas today. Not nearly as warm as it should be.
On this sexy Friday, the sexy gods have blessed us by having the very attractive (and not at all shy) Sydney Sweeney give us a bikini photoshoot
God bless indeed
I believe the term balls would most likely use is… ¡Dios mío!
Damn right!
And a well done to you Sir.
This video explains why I think Daylight Savings Time is dumb. You’re just moving noon to an arbitrary place. Why not move the clock *2* hours, if you like afternoon light so much? Or 4?
If you want “more daylight after work/school” then just have winter work/school hours and summer work/school hours. Businesses do that all the time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0NFD2K6m24
Was it the Soviet Union that decided that the whole country would be on one time zone? Probably Moscow Friendly Time to boot. Bet that was fun in Kamchatka (thanks, Risk!).
Worse, China.
I guess I’d rather be on the west side of China on east China time, than on the east side of Russia on Moscow time. You’d be waking up in the dark, but the sun would be out at 11:00 at night.
UConn just lost to Marquette. Down by 2, 12 seconds left, did not call there one remaining TO and went with a 3-point attempt by a covered guy, with the shot dying 5′ short of the rim.
Not really boding well for a deep run in the big tournament.
“Hey, 5′ isn’t short!” – Doug Martin
“Aww yeah, that’s the good stuff!”
-J.B-Syracuse, N.Y.
These ACC tourney halftime shows feature folks juggling plates, small dogs balancing on basketballs and women on unicycles. You can take the league out of the ’70’s but you can’t take the ’70’s out of the league.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-QT74bzHFQ
Just wait until Sunday’s champeenship match.
I’m inexplicably tired and my back hurts for no reason. This is what getting old feels like, huh?
The start of it. Things will deteriorate from here, day by excruciating day.
That’s it? Lucky!
I’m still stuck on the first picture. I’m just going to assume the others are nice as well.
I don’t understand. The first picture is a full-sized woman, not a dwarf…perhaps I have misunderstood your proclivities.
Shrink ray technology is amazing.
The dwarf isn’t for me.
What am I, some kind of weirdo?
Yes. All kinds of weirdo.
Everybody’s somebody’s weirdo.
“Trade you.”
— Princess
She’s pretty special.
So, so good. Always up (PHRASING) for some Cinemax-quality lesbians.