TGIF! Can’t lie, I am properly tuckered out. Mainlining ice playoffs has really disrupted my sleep. And I still have two (2) games to attend in person tomorrow and Monday and they are must-SEA! There will be lots of releasing going on. But enough about me, this is about us!

Survival – Personal Edition

Alright, let’s not be modest. We’re all hot shit and everyone both wants to be us and be with us. Of course, we have discerning tastes because we rule, and as such we must keep ourselves separated from the hoi polloi. Unfortunately, some have delusional aspirations and will thus try following us. Here are some tips to thwart their misguided attempts.

• First of all make sure you’re actually being followed. On main thoroughfares many cars will be heading in the same direction on the same streets. Identify the vehicle you think is tailing you, then make several turns that will form a full loop back to the street you’re on. If they’re still there after this maneuver, you have your answer.
• Now that you’re sure, head towards traffic. Interstate or highway is ideal here. The higher speeds and denser traffic will make it easier to disappear. Remember, no matter what, if you’re being followed never head towards your home or work. No need to key them in to where you spend most of your time.
• Slow down and drive just below the speed limit. Yes, that means your pursuer can easily keep up with you. However, everyone else will be trying to pass you. When you have the opportunity, speed up before someone is trying to pass you and induce them to pull in behind you and put some distance from your tailer. Repeat this procedure as often as possible.
• Find a busy intersection with traffic lights. Approach slowly, or fast, so that you are approaching the intersection as the light is changing to red. Make no mistake, you are aiming to break the law here and run a red light. With any luck, the traffic will ensure you get through and the tail has to stop at the light. If there happens to be a cop car around and pulls you over, even better! Take that ticket while the pursuer has to move on.
• If you’re still on the highway and you’re in a decent crowd, pull the ultimate asshole move and get in the left lane and then dive bomb across all lanes to get to an exit. Make it late enough that you can’t be followed. None the less, after exiting, take a lot of quick turns to hide.
• Once you’ve lost sight of your tail, head to any parking area with a lot of cars and join them. Stay in the car, out of sight, but with eyes on your mirrors. If you’re spotted, get moving again.
• Still being followed at this point? Just drive to the local police station. Park in front, illegally if needed, and head inside and explain your situation.

Alright, you’ve dropped that zero and can get back to your prestigious, fulfilling, and rewarding life. Congrats!

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!