So obviously this is not the Weekly Warhammer Woundup, and for that I am sorry. Thanks to ArmedandHammered’s tireless efforts to edumacate us, however, I am intrigued. Not being a tabletop gamer, I have instead chosen to stick my head into the yawning lion’s mouth that is Warhammer 40K Fluff- that is, the novels. And brother, there is nothing fluffy about this.
A&H’s recaps (and following some of his links into the depths of the wiki) convinced me that the only way I would have any chance of navigating this maze was to start At The Beginning, 10,000 years before the Main Action in a series called The Horus Heresy.
Which is about the same as saying you are going to learn how to eat an elephant by practicing on a hippo. There are sixty-two (62) novels in this series SO FAR. Most are 400+ pages. If you were inclined to listen on Audible, this (sub)series would cost you north of $1800. Madness and death are all I deserve.
As you might imagine, I am not terribly far into this, but between the novels and the wikihole I fall into every time I look something up, here are my Preliminary Views:
- Emperor’s a douchebag. He’s been was born 10,000 years before now (like, real now) and can’t be bothered to have his shit in order. He reads like Highlander fan-fiction had a baby with King Lear. Ain’t care, dude got what he deserved.
- Orks would be perfect if not for the game designers/writer’s insistence on misspelling everything with a “z” and talkin’ like drunk chav ol da toim. ORK RIGHTS NOW!
- Roboute Guilliman and the Ultramarines really are the complete buzzkills I was told.
- Chaos Gods get a bad rap. Like, the stuff in these novels is so cartoonishly disgusting, evil and over the top that I can’t help but wonder what’s really going on. False flag, etc.
- All Space Marines are male, and yet there is no gay or trans Space Marines? Even when you’re a giant genetically-enhanced nightmare whose Life is Combat, you started out as the same shitty pre-pubescent stock that we as a society currently struggle to contain and sequester until they are at least somewhat tame. Something must persist.
- The setting gets a lot of (deserved) shit for being overly self-serious, but “World Eaters” is just a great name for a military unit. Or a band. Whatever.
NFL NEWS:
-First major training camp injury is in! If you had the Lions’ shiney new free agent cornerback C.J. Gardner-Johnson in the contest, please report to customer service to claim your prize. Gardner-Johnson, a key part of the Iggles’ drive to the Super Bowl last year while tying the league lead with six interceptions, fucked off for an $8 million, one year deal with Detroit this off-season. In light drills, he went down with a right leg injury and had to be carted off. Sources say “He’s fine” and that the injury is not serious. Normally, I would be skeptical, but if anyone is intimately familiar with the inside of a knee, it’s Dan Campbell.
-First major non-training camp injury is in! Buffalo kick return ace and receiving back Nyheim Hines suffered a season–ending ACL tear…on a jet-ski. A stationary jet-ski at that- apparently someone on another jet-ski rammed him? It’s a shame, but this will no doubt provide an interesting contracts-law final question: Section 3 of the NFL’s standard player contract (may be outdated, but bite me) stipulates, in part, that a “player will not engage in any activity other than football which may involve a significant risk of personal injury. Player therefore agrees that club will have the right to enjoin the player from engaging in any activity other than football which may involve a significant risk of injury.” Assuming the contract does enjoin Hines from such activities (commonly including motorcycling, riding ATVs, jet-skiing, etc.), does his sitting on a motionless jet-ski qualify as “engaging in” such an activity? Feel ree to discuss in the comments
-Another week, another NFL player suspended for gambling on NFL games. Broncos defensive end Eyioma Uwazurike has been suspended indefinitely for violating the NFL’s policy on gambling. A 2022 fourth-round draft pick, he was busted for betting on unidentified NFL games as a rookie. Dude had roughly $3 million left on a $4.4 million dollar deal. Bag fumble indeed.
NON NFL RAMBLINGS:
ISSUE THE FOURTH: Stuff That We Forgot About
1. Dre
2. Sudden Death, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme:
3. Crystal Pepsi
4. Galactica 1980
5. The lessons of our forefathers, dooming us to forever repeat their mistakes and sufferings until the Sun swells and envelops us all in its fiery embrace.
WTF VAR
DOINK!
One day I went out there and just sitting on the main floor was the Apollo 11 command module. This was normally displayed in the main museum on The Mall downtown, heavily protected behind plexiglas; that museum was closed for restoration so here it was. Behind it is Alan Shepard’s Mercury capsule, the very first American manned spacecraft. Just sitting’ there.
This is the one, the Bensen B-8M, looks like this particular one sold for $122 in 2014
Note the seatbelt
To keep you in that lawn chair! That is a sketchy looking flying machine, 100% would not!
That looks so dinky I’m pretty sure Maestro reviewed that in a segment.
And then called it a sandwich.
The seat belt removes all doubt. TOTES a sandwich
There’s stoopid, and then there’s this:
My WH40K-playing friend has done a Sisters of Battle army. Probably mean enough to fuck up your shit.
Might I suggest “Sisters of No Mercy”?
Pretty much a given.
And some cosplay.
I was thinking of doing one of those but decided to go with Mechanicus.
I was attached to the marines for half my time in Afghanistan. How do i know there are gay space marines? Because the United States Marine Corps is the gayest organization I’ve ever seen.
If I hit the lottery I’d have to get one of those just to see the look on my wife’s face when I open the box. “What is that, honey?” “Testicle tanner! Been wanting one of these!”
“Well, of course they are. They’re part of the Navy!” -The Village People
Incidentally, speaking of Navy, O/U on the first Tawmmy mispronunciaaaa—let’s be real it probably happened as soon as this came on the wire.
https://www.patriots.com/news/patriot-sign-lb-diego-fagot
Dago Faggot. Every time.
I don’t care about honoring your ancestors, that’s a name that you change, like to “Rock Hardon”
Biggus Dickus.
The two greatest sculptures in the Nation’s Capital area, according to me:
The R-4360 engine cutaway at the Air & Space Museum Udvar-Hazy annex
The Ulysses S Grant Memorial with the cavalry charge on the north side (pictured) and the artillery caisson charge on the south side
The near horse has fallen, and the rider is about to be crushed. The face is a self-portrait of the monument’s sculptor, Henry Shrady
The Air & Space museum was my favorite as a kid, they did a great job with the Annex. I kinda want one of those homemade kit helicopters that’s basically just a chair and lawnmower motor bolted to a rotor
An autogyro?
I assume you have to get a license to fly one of those.
Someone relatively close to us has one of these:
Yes! The modern semi-enclosed ones are really slick looking, but there is something really great about the barebones, obviously homemade deathtrap ones.
I’m going to be in Paso Robles next month, and thinking of checking out the Estrella Warbirds Museum — know anything about it?
Drink all the wine while you are there.
Waaaaay ahead of you.
I don’t know it but it looks cool. I do know the James Dean Death Site™ that is near Paso Robles; also, if you drive south from there to San Luis Obispo on the 101 the downgrade drop after Santa Margarita is crazy steep.
Huh, I’ve done that drive a bunch of times but never noticed. Probably too busy thinking about wine.
The last time I was in DC we were down to our last day, and our choices were the Air and Space Museum, or…something else. I was outnumbered 2-1 by my wife and daughter. I’d seen it several times already, so I only cried a little bit.
That was a few years ago, when my daughter was a Junior in HS. Fast forward 7 years, and I get a picture from her while she’s on vacation, and her and her boyfriend are at the Udvar-Hazy annex. “Had a great time!” she says.
I doubt the other option was the National Archives, but if it was then that’s also a great choice. They do really excellent exhibitions
Sack Exchange Throwbacks?
My spam inbox got a couple of messages telling me that I could get a free “Milwaukee Power Drill.” I was wondering if I logged into Buddy Cole’s account by mistake.
It’s not quite like getting an Alabama Hot Pocket, but it’s still neat.
Sitting on a stationary jet ski and getting hurt is sorta like sitting in the waiting room of a whore house and getting busted.
There was an NHL goalie that was on the IR for an injury that happened when shoveling his front poach
Shoveling is underrated as an extreme sport
I injured my left shoulder sitting at a desk in front of my computer doing business taxes for 18 hours straight. I would lean on my elbow and I was jamming my shoulder up. I actually had to get physical therapy. Doing taxes.
“I was only waiting there for directions on how to get *away* from there. Oh, and a handjob. I was waiting for one of those, too.” – Robert Kraft
The old, “just stopped in to ask for directions” excuse is standard Bro.
I know two different people who broke their ankle getting out of bed.
I’m going to assume that CJ G-J’s injury is serious because the Lions don’t get to have nice things. I kinda wonder what goes on behind the scenes in that organization because they don’t seem to have the same sort of high-profile toxicity that’s kept teams like the Browns or the Redacteds from being functional, but even so nothing ever seems to go right for them
I think it’s pretty clear by this point God just hates Cleveland in general.
I can’t explain the Commie’s problem, outside of just it’ll take some time to get the Danny Boy stank off everything.
I think it’s safe to blame Snyder for 90% of the Football Team’s problems. If the new guy does things right they should start to recover in a few years.
Ok, I’m done pouting. This is awesome
https://www.reddit.com/r/WhitePeopleTwitter/comments/1589388/this_is_going_to_be_way_worse_than_the_tan_suit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
It’s not real, but pretty good photoshop, or whatever the kidz call it now.
And O MY GOD HOW FRAGILE ARE THESE MANBABIES???
Obama’s personal chef in Martha’s Vineyard just drowned while paddleboarding. He probably learned something about the Barbie Protocol that he wasn’t supposed to.
HI I’M BABY MARK DAVIS
Shit, I’m not even going to be able to stay up late enough to moan about how bad poor Waino pitches tonight. Time to read as many as FIVE WHOLE PAGES of The Rabbit FactoUr before I falls asleep.
Shitfuckdamn, I meant to go to the library today.
Goddammit, every time I thought of a band in today’s draft, it was already taken. Well, fucksticks, nobody took this one. It’s mine, all mine! Here’s the English Beat!
https://youtu.be/0bM0wVjU2-k
Actually, I think Son Of Spam took them…
Shut up, you, they are MINE!!!
They are not.
He did.
“You probably should have gone with us.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ll0DIEvrIo&ab_channel=EduardoMontenegroM1
Yes. Yes, I should have. But, Save it for Later is a better song than Spam’s choice of I Confess, so neener! Now I’m going to go smoke a doob and pout.
I mean, how many times you tryna be wrong tonight?
Mirror In The Bathroom is the best English Beat song period.
Look, I ain’t hating any of it.
Guns N’ Roses was never picked. 80’s GnR only gives you their first two albums, but you really only need Appetite for Destruction.
This is correct.
So a couple hours ago we bought a couple of plane tickets to go to New Zealand in November. I’m gritting my teeth in anticipation of the Dr. Mrs. insisting we iron out every single other detail of the trip before the evening is complete, because, you know, November is only four months away!
My trip to NZ was in 2005, so I don’t really have any useful advice, but you’ll have a great time!
There is sommet to be said for Europeans and their belief in couples taking separate vacations.
RTD has to go with her. She needs to use his suitcase to carry extra vacuums.
At Casa de Cornblower either I book the trip and how we’re getting there, (Ex. A, Baltimore DFOCon), or Mrs. Horatio books the trip and how we’ll get there, and the other one just shows up.
You should reschedule for February when I’ll be there!
If you stop by Connecticut first you can take Lowratio with you to the Shire!
(when you’re conditioned to expect embarrassingly impressive failure)
Radio: “Breaking News just to ESPN. Two players have been suspended by the NFL.”
Me: “Aw, crap. Don’t be Burrow and Chase.”
I give you Exhibit A in the importance of organizational planning and how it leads to a successful end goal
/today at work
Me: “Son, I need you to focus your energies. I’ve got something in mind.”
Youngest Son: “What’s up?”
Me: “I need you to identify and drill down on a specific task that will create a fantastic end result by Friday.”
Youngest Son: “Ok…”
Me: “As the week progresses, you’re going to pile all the broken pallets into the back of your pickup so that we can have the largest bonfire we’ve ever had next weekend. This is a multi-day project-don’t shirk from your responsibilities!”
Me: [salutes] “Will do, dad. You’re the greatest!”*
*some portions of this verbal exchange may exist entirely in my head
/Son did bring home 8 pallets this evening though, this part is true
It is your solemn duty to set MOAR of The Canadia ON FIRE
As long as it drifts towards Connecticut eventually, I’m good with it.
/sorry Lowratio, but you’re a pawn in a larger game that you can’t possibly comprehend*
*because you can’t read because you were home-schooled by Horatio
*And he is short like a pawn
Like I’d teach him to read and let him figure out that none of this is remotely legal.
Just tell him it’s en passant, that’s what the chess memes say!
I assume you watched Perna’s ESPN breakdown? Absolutely amazing.
I have nae, but now I will.
Can you at least do it in California? They’re used to wildfires and blocking out the sun may cool off the Southwest.
Would you still use a sock in 44C/111F?
Blax has some socks you can use.
We go to our man on the scene in Chandler.
Yes, because you don’t want sunburn on your feet.
My latest go-to snack? Pretzel sticks dragged through a bowl of garlic hummoUs. Crunchy. Salty. Garlicky. And Yummy.
Pretzel sticks should have made the Underrated list. A List snack
Momma Cola destroys them whenever I bring them to her.
Sudden Death was his 3rd best movie.
“ALL RED AT MAIN STREET”
Union Pacific tracks along the L.A. River, 12/19/22
I will sell you this photo for the cover of your next album of hobo songs
wait a minute, when did you go and get a CAMERA smh
Giants fans (including myself) are snickering about this. He’s your problem now, Andy.
https://www.arrowheadpride.com/2023/7/24/23805944/chiefs-injuries-kadarius-toney-doubt-knee-injury
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj-hM2Q8TKY&ab_channel=OCDLonelyGuy
Rafi and I didn’t forget Gattaca.
LA Beast brought Crystal Pepsi back in 2016:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-ynjaF6JRg&ab_channel=skippy62able
I’m confused. What day is it today?
Why, it’s Christmas it is!
It’s Monday, of course! Just look at the article title!
“So obviously this is not the Weekly Warhammer Woundup”…
Uh, it’s also not Tuesday (though I wish it was)
…but who cares, really. Time is a construct.
Flat circle?
.