Look, it’s something approximating the football we all know and love and hate at varying times. One might think I put quite a bit of thought into my first game intro of the 23-24 season but y’all would be mistaken. Nope, the slapdashery shall continue unabated! I’ve not been fired yet so I’m going to continue with what works. Besides, you wanted some incisive insights regarding this game? For shame! And now…
Housekeeping:
-I’d very much like to thank the folks here that did the heavy lifting during the offseason. Filling holes and voids wherever you found them must have been a challenge at times and it was mighty appreciated.
-Oh hey, fellas and gals that have that squirrel running around your frontal lobe screeching, “I want to type something on this here site”. Well, have I got a deal for you-it’s called Doorcoin and you can have some should you wish to throw your thoughts against the wall. Seriously, should you wish to toss a team preview together or even if you wanted to do a game intro post, we’re nothing if not accommodating. I’ll be honest, sometimes I just don’t have much to say about the second meeting between the Bucs and the Texans. That’s where you jump in and weave your magic.
-Lurkers Awake! There are many benefits to commenting here. We’ve fixed almost all the bugs! Also, if you have a substance abuse issue and you’re wondering what the benefits of leaning into it are, boy, have we got an experienced crew here for you! Want to learn a new, unrecognized language? We’ve got you covered. Thinking about adopting an animate sex toy? Checkmark!
To the game!
Browns/Jets:
-Not that we’ll see either of them but both these squadoos love them ostracized qb’s. They each took different paths to get there but they arrived at the same destination.
-We should see failed Wonder Boy Zach Wilson-will he ever learn to say the right thing? Has his ego completely unraveled?
-We might see some option trickery from Cleveland. There’s been some funky backfield formations in camp and word is that Elijah Moore might function as the third rb.
-Nathaniel Hackett has been recycled of course. Now he’s going to be calling plays from up in the sky, as far away from the players as possible. He recently said that Payton calling him out, “broke the code” by going public with his comments. “He should have talked behind my back like a real man” is the logic I’m guessing.
That’s it, I’m sure I forgot a bunch of things but I’ve only got about 120(?) more posts to do over the course of the season so I’ll get to it when I get to it.
Nice block!
-Ole Kirk Christiansen, 1932
Had to look this one up to be sure; have confirmed as an excellent reference.
“Nathaniel toasts bagels just right: firm, crisp, blond.”
Producer: “Focus on Aaron Rodgers! Focus on Aaron Rodgers!”
Me: “Show Thompson-Robinson’s name plate! Show Thompson-Robinson’s name plate!”
I just got home turned on my TV and they showed a video of Aaron Rodgers and I am now sick of Aaron Rodgers. Can Tom Brady came back?
Let’s not say things we don’t mean
At least Tommy Boy has the rings to cover the ego his smugness was writing.
[begins looking for The Rapists in Redshirt’s immediate area]
Sean Connery the rapist – YouTube
Just tune into Raiders games. Now that he’s an owner they will probably show him every five minutes.
Leave it to the browns to find a way to browns a preseason game against an equally inept franchise
16-7 is the second-most preseason game score ever.
Most Superb Owl III final score ever.
Also involving the jets and a team with a shitty history with Baltimore
Kellen Mond is:
-The largest Mountain on Uranus (heh)
-The largest Iroquois burial ground this side of Halifax, or
-The largest bundle of nerve endings in the vago-centric region if you know what I mean
Today at the DMV they had a screen showing dumb human interest stories, and one showed a picture of an enormous pearl set in an engagement ring. The caption said the bride to be found it in her clam. Hehehe.
-A Detroit Red Wing 1st round draft choice that finishes out his career in the Finnish Second League but he’s somewhat successful as a carpenter that makes bureaus but the drawers stick a little bit.
Just wait until he turns 33
My theory about his years in the wilderness spent in a rivitalo on the outskirts of Helsinki? Not as cock-eyed as initially thought by the grandmothers that run my weekly high-stakes Euchre tournament.
https://twitter.com/dennisdoddcbs/status/1687270365364355072?s=20
ASU holding out for a truck full of vape juice
Oh I like Revis’s mom, that yawn was epic and exactly the correct response to having to sit through a Browns/Jets preseason game
Revis looks like he’s carrying an islet to term.
THESE BROWNS, I CALL THEM THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD BECAUSE THEY’RE INEFFECTIVE AGAINST THE JETS THAT ARE KILLING THEM.
I CALL THIS JETS TOUCHDOWN THE MIDDLE EAST IN 1948 BECAUSE ISREAL SEEMS TO BE LEGIT.
He was good at Pitt. Fun to watch
Baby Buster opening night! I guess his balls have finally dropped.
Interviewer: [to Joe Thomas] “You caught a Brown Trout on your Draft Day-you can’t make this up!”
ChatGPT: “Akshually…”
Is she a ukulele or sommet?
Is that an euphemism?
Wowzers
She takes her vitamins.
Did everybody stretch and hydrate prior to commenting? We don’t need anyone going on IR this early in the season.
/immediately trips over the dog and breaks BOTH wrists.
Apparently I did not.
How much do you two jerk off?
This is more of a technique issue instead of a usage issue.
I was told there would be no math.
Just load up on Ketamine and wrap that hand and get back in there!
/slaps Ayo on the ass, HARD
[Ayo giggles, wiggles butt]
How are you doing? Are you hooked on The Drugs yet?
I might be 3rd Hippo by the end of this ordeal
I took a bonus pill. FOAR MORAL SUPPORT
I went to the DMV. I’m battle- hardened.
Ronde
Tikiis a big hugger, isn’t he?You mean remora?
Hey, all Barbers look alike, amirite?
Pre-season commenting, have to work back into game shape.
It’s cool that Ronde Barber is in the Hall and Tiki is a piece of shit that nobody pays attention to because he’s a whiny, amoral sociopath.
It’s like the movie Twins except with morals instead of physical characteristics.
It’s a shame because Tiki Bars are usually pretty awesome, who knew you would get such crap just by adding ‘ber’ to the end?
The one at the Fairmont in SF was run by my buddy 20 years ago. What a place.
Worse: He has a mid-morning radio show on FAN.
This meaningless and inconsequential exhibition game definitely needs MOAR BLEEEEERGH.
Would be funny if the league went to 18 (or 20 or 24 or…) games but teams still played their third stringers for the first 3 or 4.
Rodgers is just taunting Zach Wilson, admiring old busts at the Hall of Fame.
grumble grumble nothing wrong with admiring old busts grumble grumble
WCS, how many cousins yall gonna fuck this year? Does7 save coach’s jerb?
Nailed It!
–B. Walsh
Even without his jerkin’ thumb! Dedication chuh chuh
The season has truly begun.
Placement kicks r still 2 ez smgd
If your keeper league brings back kickers… I’ll fume silently and accept it.
I wrote the commish and semi-threatened to quit already. And I have good keepers for once.
I hope you used 6+ exclamation marks. That’ll get his attention! It only took me 3(?) years to get a handle on the league.
https://twitter.com/NwaneriWilliams/status/1687181104820666368?s=20
No PAC logos
But lots of crotch.
“Sir, we’ve done it! They’re actually watching the Jets-Browns game, those incredible idiots! We can sell them anything, I’m sure of it!”
“Oh, nonsense. Next you’ll tell me that they’re donating money to help a billionaire pay for his criminal fraud trial defense.”
That is for the troof sir. Troof is costly.
ThShaun, does not understand that it is August
Alright, that’s three seconds of Collinsworth is more than enough for me for one season.
Preach!
Notice that rodgers didn’t go to see the book of mormon.
Too close to home?
Probably has more to do with the new theory that books cause ADHD.
Hey Ware, sing it with your chest! This some bullshit whispercore singing.
I’m looking forward to his emo band
But a surprisingly tender singing voice!
I’m… pleasantly surprised?
I’ve heard way worse.
That just reminds me of the time the backstreet boys sang the anthem at the super bowl and my dad straight up changed the channel
Collinsworth is pissing me off already!
Wow. Revis is bigger than Joe Thomas. What a world.
Zack Thomas looks like Cotton from King of the Hill now.
Zack Thomas never killed fitty men.
But they took his shins anyhow!
but he did get his shins blow off at Texas Tech frat party
Yeah, but whats his body count?
And now we have all seen Joe Thomas’….John Thomas!
So…. has anyone else here actually visited the hall of fame?
I understand no one willingly goes to Ohio, but of you’re forced to, it’s worth a detour
Gumby has been there many times. I never have. He loves it.
Given his recent concert purchase, maybe he loves The Hall of Frames in Utica?
The Pinball one? Monthly.
My ex-wife has but only because she went on an elementary school field trip (she lived in Canton, you see)
… that’s good hustle?
I’ve been!
Today I learned that ChatGPT does NAWT speak Hippoese, I asked for a preview of this game in hippoese and got this:
“In a grand celebration of mighty gridiron warriors, the NFL Hall of Fame Game is set to begin in the magnificent land of Hippoese! Gather ’round, all you wild hippos, as we witness the clash of champions from seasons past. The air is thick with excitement as these football giants gather to showcase their strength and skill in a spectacle like no other.
Amidst the roaring fans, you will witness legends of the past stepping onto the hallowed turf once more. The echoes of their triumphs resonate through the savannah, as they come together to honor their greatness and immortalize their names in the Hall of Fame. These colossal beings, each with a story of valor and perseverance, are ready to leave their indelible mark in the annals of Hippoesean history.”
This needs bronzed and hung over the Clubhouse mantle.
That which ain’t got no intelligence can’t be artificially sweetened ppl forget that
Feed it some Peter King and watch it error out
“Error 9810? Haven’t seen that one before…”
[looks it up]
“Fuck this, and fuck you.”
The Land of Hippoese. Where point spread is never a .5.
There are traces of Other Hippo and the enthusiasm of early Third Pill Hippo. But fake fake fake.
You know Tiki is in the stands booing.
Won’t be as embarrasing as in 1985 when Frank Gifford and Jim Taylor kept chanting “JUICE WILL NOT REPLACE US!”
door flies open
Brocky: How the fuck you….
door swings back shut, Brocky gets knocked flat on his back
Brocky:… doing boys?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C47GV5xFkTg&ab_channel=BarryManilow-Topic
That you on the banner pic?
….. I’m gonna need a 23 and me to make sure we’re not related
I am not even gonna play Footy Manager, for TEH WHOLE Q1
These are two teams that are generally expected to be kind of good where I will be neither surprised nor upset if they turn out to be monkey diarrhea
Can we get some Pac-12, Hateful 8 discussion going? Pac-12 being snobs backfired on their asses.
Evening Folks
Hello, verb that encourages an activity or development to happen faster.
Let’s liven up the Hall of Fame game, winning team gets someone from the franchise enshrined in the Hall. The losing team gets someone thrown out.
Can’t we just have Goodell flayed at halftime?
That would help with ratings. Nah, let’s put Goodell in as all-time QB for both teams in the 4th quarter.
Are there any #ThePauls in the Hall? Ain’t nobody got the balls to evict Jim Brown, even if he’s ded
It’s literally the ONLY good thing that happened to this poor bastard.
Oh yeah, and really deserving. Be mean to evict
Just ordered Chinese food. Will I watch? Probably not. Will I be here? yes. Absolutely.
NFL Offseason from Beginning to End (Artistic Interpretation)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXEbFaW0ac8
Interesting analogy of my first marriage.
EDIT: Also, this is what talking to Tua will be like in five or so years.
Just waiting. Always waiting.
In honor of preseason and as a long time member of DFO, I’ve shown up but I’m only going to put forth barely any effort, planned to be replaced by a new person around 9:30 who probably won’t be here in September but fully expecting to be paid in full.
Red (narrating): “Now I wasn’t there when the moderators released Redshirt on Final Cut Down Day, but I was told he cried like a baby. I wish I could’ve seen that.”
#QuietQuitting
It was so easy putting 250+ words together. In the middle of November it’ll be like pulling teeth.
But not in a fun way, like extracting hobo corpse teeth and looking for gold fillings.
This is just brilliant Hippo.
I welcome our GPTChat overlord. Wonder who they would root for.
Yeah, the general consensus regarding the QBs for both squads seems to be along the line of:
MILF-Hunter Z, upon meeting the ladies of his mom’s bridge club
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooo[deep breath]oooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!