That’s right, we are LESS THAN A WEEK before our first actual match (Boo-urnley hosting City of Men). Who knows who will win THAT nailbiter? So, we better get our prediciones on record before anyone can question our sporting integrity.
As always, these picks will end up dreadfully wrong. Making fun of the authors is not only welcome, but encouraged. How’d we do last season? NOT GREAT, Bob!
Also, have you not already picked a team to support? Pick a goddamned team already, then!
litre: If you are at all curious and would like to know who is playing for the Vegas DFOCon here you go;
DAMMIT!
Arsenal aka King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (2nd in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Everybody now seemingly agrees that the Superb Owl Loser Hangover effect is real (and not fabulous). Should that apply to Handsome Mikel’s bunch? Do they really feel, deep down, that they blew the best chance they ever had? I fear for them, yet can’t make myself go lower than bronze medal. I am not at all convinced they were wise to go “all in” on Declan Rice, but good news for the myriad Clubhouse supporters – Arteta is WAY smarter than me. Predicción: 3rd
Ballsy: I saw Arsenal play their preseason games in the USA and, to tell you the truth, they weren’t that bad. It’s just unfortunate for them that Man City has Pep In Their Step (sorry not sorry) and will win again. Predicción: 3rd
litre: They looked good last year until the mercenaries to the North caught them. I chalked that up to being so damn young that they didn’t know what to do in the moment. I reckon that their season will get more difficult the longer that they are in the FA Cup, Cariboo Cup, and in Europe. They slip up in any of those they could still battle for the title as they should have more rest. I agree with the lads above. I am just looking forward to the tales of dark lands brought to us by our very own Cecil. Predicción: 3rd
Aston Villa aka Midlands Cunts (7th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. The aforementioned Gooners couldn’t wait to run Unai Emery out of town, clearing a path for Mikel Arteta, the savioUr. Fast forward a few years, and Emery returns to Merry Olde England, replaces genius-in-own-mind Steven Gerrard and goes on a miracle run, taking them out of relegation danger all the way to pipping Spurs for the Zooropa NIT bid, on the final day. I am impressed, but…second season syndrome. Predicción: 10th
Ballsy: Frankly, it makes perfect sense that they’re the Midlands Cunts. I mean, where else are you gonna find them?? I don’t think they will be as good as last year. Predicción: 12th
litre: I have a buddy who is a fan of this lot. They are annoying and I still savoUr watching John Terry cry when we beat them. That being said the moment they brought Unai in and gave him some loot to spend they have looked damn impressive. I reckon they will be the surprise team this year. Predicción: 7th
Bournemouth aka Up the Cherries (15th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: These were left for dead, but coasted to a fairly easy survival. Seemingly, they’ve unlocked a formula that works for them, and have the Vegas hockey guy as their new/ambitious owner. A season of consolidation is in order on the South Coast. Predicción: 13th
Ballsy: Cherry Ice Cream is the best dessert application of the cherry. Sure, cherry pie is famous and Warrant owes their life’s savings to it, but I have already made one cunt joke and I don’t think I’ll be allowed another. Predicción: 17th
litre: Now that they got the stink off of them by firing Scott Parker, I don’t actually mind these guys. The backing of the new owner is YUGE or else I fear they may have been in the drop zone. The picked up Justin Kluivert in the transfer window and his dad was really good, so why not him too? Predicción: 14th
Brentford aka Praise Beesus (9th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Nobody on earth predicted these to finish top half. As Fronk aptly noted, their gaffer looks like a drunken sailing instructor. But they mix high intensity with direct play – kind of unique, at least in the UK this decade. Will they eventually be found out? Can anyone else score while talisman Ivan Toney is serving his GAMBLOR suspension? That’s a definite MAYBE. Predicción: 12th
Ballsy: I like this team a lot. I’m going out on a limb here and saying they will qualify for European competition next year. The only question is Conference or Europa. Predicción: 7th
litre: No Ivan Toney, no keeper Raya? These guys are in trouble and I am here for it. Brentford is a great neighboUrhood in London and Mrs Cola and I have stayed there. You can easily take the train in or walk to Fulham for good food, and good football for that matter. They brought in Romeo Beckham! Not sure about that. Sadly I do believe that they will survive. Barely Predicción: 16th
Brighton & Hove aka Trashbirds (6th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: First EVAR qualification for continental footy for the Club. Take a bow, Roberto De Zerbi. You’ll see them live a lot more, now that they ride the Thursday/Sunday shuttle during Zooropa play. But will it really be alright for such a small dollar squad, holding up over a full season? Eventually they have to run out of rough and ready bargain replacements, right? I dunno, but I think they contend again. Predicción: 7th
Ballsy: Sorry Hippo, but there’s no way they will contend. Playing two competitions at the same time is a difficult thing. One will suffer and it will be the Premiership. They better do well in Europe! Predicción: 10th
litre: They had the season of a lifetime last session. They get to go to Europe and they took TODDDDDDDD of Chelsea to the cleaners for players, and Graham Potter who did nae last. They’ve sold their best players for good money so I expect a bit of a regression with them competing in Europe. A very well coached squad who will manage the tricky fixture list but they will not achieve what they did last year. Predicción: 10th
Burnley aka Boo-urnley aka Team White Lives Matter (Championship….champs in 2022-23)
KH: Vincent Kompany instantly revitalized a very stale, dull Burnley side. They absolutely obliterated the Championship – now we get to see if they can sustain at a higher level of competition. Hippo sez nae. Predicción: 18th
Ballsy: I too say Nae Rolls. Yet, the hottie came around and all of a sudden guess what? Predicción: 16th
litre: They did a hell of a job in the Championship last year. Everyone just hates playing at Turf Moor. They are well coached however the board does nae spend the pounds and that will hurt you in the end. Now with more JJ Watt! Predicción: 18th
Chelsea aka Chelski aka Trespassers FC (12th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Welcome to the terrordome, Todd Boehly. Nice turd you dropped on the way in. Holy cats, did these fuckadoos ever fly off the rails last season. Logic would dictate they can’t possibly STAY that bad, but I really hate their squad balance. But Pochettino wills them back into the top half, at least. Predicción: 9th
Ballsy: Turns out they got rid of Pulisic and he’s now in Milan. I have no idea what players are on this team. The coach is good but he’s not playing. Predicción: 11th
litre: Sweet mother of all things holy was last year delicious. Did the club I support go to Europe? Nope. Did we win a trophy? Nope. Did we finish ahead of the tenants? You are god damned right we did. It made my whole season great. Hell, Mighty Whitey even took 4 pts of these overpaid, disorganized sacks of shit. Keep spendin Todd! Predicción: 8th only because they can’t possibly be that bad again. PROVE ME WRONG CUNTFACES PROVE ME WRONG!!!!
Shit, I forgot the rumoUr floating around that they want to play at the Cottage for a couple of seasons while they renovate the other stadium in Fulham. Fuck that.
Crystal Palace aka Will Somebody Please Just Shoot Uncle Woy Already (11th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: A team this flaccid actually finished AHEAD of Chelski’s millions. I really should have picked them to go down ahead of Boo-urnley. But like an Uncle Woy cabbage fart, these dullards just keep hanging around. Predicción: 17th
Ballsy: Someone should rebuild the actual Crystal Palace that used to exist in London. From the pictures I’ve seen, it was beautiful. That’s all I know. Predicción:13th
litre: Sir Woy is a god damned legend. He however is 98 years old and something has to give here. Palace has been punching above its weight the last few terms and at some point they need to get in the relegation battle. They lost too many key players and haven’t done much on the intake. Predicción: 15th
Everton aka Very/Perpetually Disappointing Everton (17th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Fuck me, I am exhausted and it’s only the “E”s. Toffees’ books are absolutely dire, and that finally catches up with them on the pitch. No miracles this time around, but at least we will have the best stadium in the Championship. Predicción: 19th
Ballsy: I have no idea how Everton managed to stay up last year. No way they do it again. They will torture Hippo until the last day. Predicción: 18th
litre: I promised Hippo he would be safe last season and I was right! Due to my internet friendship (maybe live in Las Vegas) I do follow what they do and apart from building a new stadium it seems that they are doing the square root of fuck all except signing a 38 year old who I thought had retired. However, this is the year they stay up and exceed all expectations!!!! Predicción: 12th
Fulham aka Mighty Whitey (10th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Good news – they held onto gaffer Marco Silva. Bad news – they lost goal scoring machine/scary guy Mitrovic. Like Beesus, more questions than answers as to who fills those scoring boots. Predicción: 11th
Ballsy: I’m going to beat Litre to it and let you know that Chelsea’s stadium is actually in Fulham. Just for Litre, they will improve slightly. Predicción: 9th
litre: /wraps bandana around wang WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Wow was that unexpected last year. Sweet Jesus we could have been in Europe if Mitro hadn’t lost it against United. He has not been sold yet but the Saudi offer did enough to shake up the harmony and love the Fulham supporters had for him. He was on the trip to the US but did not feature for safety precautions but it seems now the journo killers have their eyes on other prizes. It seems that wrestling mogul Khaaaannnn is taking a hardline with Al-Hilal or whoever the hell they are and that is good. I also respect that he didn’t sell Palhinha thus far as he clearly is the best player on the pitch. Old Man Willian resigned and we signed Mexican international Jiminez should Mitro depart. In closing, FUCK THE SAUDIS. Predicción: 9th
Liverpool aka Redshite Filth (5th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Eat shit and die, you cockmongrels. Predicción: 4th
Ballsy: Tell us how you really feel, Hippo! You’re not wrong though. Predicción: 4th
litre: The shine is coming off the apple. They have been rather quiet in the transfer market and they definitely need to bolster their reserves to compete. I have A LOT of friends who support the Reds, hell one of them converted Decilitre. I do think they will still compete for Champions League spot but not for the outright title. Predicción: 4th
Luton Town aka ??? (3rd in Championship 2022-23)
KH: There’s punching above your weight, and then there is Luton Fookin’ Town. How on God’s Green Earth could they even compete in the second tier with a 10,000 seat stadium? Somehow, they earn a second bite at the apple – ie, become this season’s Bournemouth. Predicción: 15th
Ballsy: I believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy. If I didn’t, I would have never achieved some of the things I’ve achieved. (Hippo glares at me because he thinks I’m talking about anal. I am.) However, this one ain’t happening. Predicción: 20th
litre: If you have ever been to Luton Airport it is the nicest structure in that city and it’s rundown and shitty. I personally love that they got here but there is no fucking way they are staying up. The best story is of one of their players who has been there for every promotion since they were non league. I doubt he gets much of a run out this term as this is the big time now. Predicción: 20th
Manchester City aka City of Men (1st in Prem 2022-23)
KH: God’s in His heaven, and Pep’s in 1st. Finally got City of Men’s Shempions monkey off his/their back, too. There will be no let up, and much less drama at the top this season. Sky Blues run everyone ragged, post to post. Predicción: 1st
Ballsy: I love me some Pep. Y’all know that. Did you know he used to coach in the Mexican league? Hell to the yeah! Predicción: 1st
litre: Oh they winnin bulleeee dat. Haaland will get 50. Predicción: 1st
Manchester United aka Red Devils aka Men Untied (3rd in Prem 2022-23)
KH: I think Erik ten Hag knows what he’s doing. Which is a real pity, for a hater like me. They’ll take silver and wait for Pep to retire Predicción: 2nd
Ballsy: I don’t think Da U is that good. Don’t get me wrong, they’ll be good. They’ll be in the top places, but not second. Predicción: 5th
litre: I respectfully disagree with the gentleman from Los Angeles. Ten Hag will have these dudes firing. If they get rid of Slab Head MCGuire and find a suitable replacement they will challenge in the early stages of the season. I still think their city counterparts are going to run away with it this year. Predicción: 2nd
Newcastle aka Bonesaws aka Geordie Arabia (4th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: New least favoUrite side? No, they must settle for VP of that exclusive club. I hope they flame out before the Shempions knockout round, and Zooropa 2024-25 then ruins their FFP strategy.. Alexander Isak does indeed have a wicked game, though. Predicción: 5th
Ballsy: They have too much oil money to finish lower than 6th. They will take over Chelsea’s place in the Perennial Top Six. Predicción: 6th
litre: Yep hate em now and there is definitely some shifty business going on. Maximin to a Saudi side and it was like transferring to the same team. He will make a lot of money but he was the only player of theirs that I can stand. The green kits are a step waaay too far. That being said Europe will take its toll on them and I reckon they will finish outside of the Champions League spots this term. Predicción: 6th
Nottingham Forest aka Robins Hood (16th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Hoo boy. This is a slow-motion car crash just waiting to happen. There will be blood. Watch them have to sell like 20 fringe/squad players next summer. Predicción: 20th
Ballsy: It will be a shame to see them go back to the Championship. I am enjoying the Robins Hood nickname even though I think it should be the Robin Hoods. Predicción: 19th
litre: For some reason these guys have become one of my most hated sides. I want to punch Cooper in the head every time I see that jackal. Last year they bought 30 players (not an exaggeration) and they barely stayed up. The owners are throwing money at the problem again but we shall see if it works. Willian had given them some interest so the owners flew him, his family and his agent for holiday in Greece. He resigned with Fulham hahahahaha. Predicción: 17th
Sheffield United aka Team Knifey (2nd in Championsip 2022-23)
KH: Mainstream punditry will have them straight back down, but me and my drugs KNOW BETTER. Predicion: 16th
Ballsy: My favourite Sheffield team is Sheffield Wednesday because it makes no fucking sense. There is always one championship team that does well its first year in the highest league. This is it for this year. Predicción: 15th
litre: They are going back where they belong. They have spent 0 dollars and their ownership has stated that they aren’t spending anything. Predicción: 19th
Tottenham aka Hot Spurs aka Yid Army (8th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Told myself I would wait and see if they had the sense to sell Harry Fuckface Kane. At press time, they had not. But I am fresh out of plausible European qualifiers, so Zooropa it is. Maybe Richarlison will boss it. Predicción: 6th
Ballsy: I think they will surprise everyone and make a run at the Premiership. Of course, making a run means finishing ten points behind City. Predicción: 2nd
litre: The boat is rockin with the Kane rumoUrs. I have a soft spot for Son but really can’t stand these guys. They have poached many a Fulham player and I get angry every time. If Kane goes they could be in trouble. That being said they do still have a solid squad and I believe in Richarlison. Predicción: 5th
West Ham aka Hammers aka Rum Ham (14th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: Rough go domestically last year, true. But flags fly forever, and they won a major(ish) European trophy. Predicción: 8th
Ballsy: I’m running out of places. Lemme see what I’ve got left…. Predicción: 10th
litre: Bounceback year for these guys. They had better spend that Declan Rice money or they could falter so I will put them mid table. (They have not spent any of the money and could be in trouble again) Predicción: 11th
Wolverhampton aka Wolves (13th in Prem 2022-23)
KH: I really don’t think this boring-arse team will finish this high, but that’s just how maths works. Someone must represent each ordinal number. Predicion: 14th
Ballsy: Okay, It’s the only slot left (Phrasing!), but I’m sharing it with Hippo (PHRASING!). Predicción: 14th
litre: Well I have 13th left on my board so here we are. Their board has said that they aren’t spending this window so this could be problematic. Predicción: 13th
Jesus fucking Christ, Essendon.
(live shot of the 2023 Cincinnati Reds)
Still a better smell than Northeast Ohio.
I’ve booked my trip for fat hump central for the total eclipse in April. I’m staying downtown and I WILL try the shrimp cocktail at St. Elmo’s.
I’m oddly excited for this trip.
There is close to 4 minutes of totality for the eclipse.
I’ll be fucked if it rains though.
I mean, it’s Indianapolis: odds are it’ll be raining gravy.
Back at Ohio State for the first time in 20 years. Nostalgic overload!
Redshirt, interacting with the current OSU students (artist’s conception):
/played a version of poker earlier today
Me: “Let’s do the half-lake swim!”
Wifey: “Alright.”
Me: “I can’t find my swim shorts!”
Wifey: “I guess you’ll have to swim naked.”
Me: [looks around one last time, can’t find my shorts] [Also, I’m a few beers in] “Fuck it. I’m skinny dipping.”
Wifey: “NO! WAIT!” [runs frantically to a pile of freshly washed clothes] Here they are!”
tl:dr-I called my wife’s bluff. I didn’t really win anything though.
As a Bears fan of 44 years and for the most part a lesser footy agnostic but curious on who I should adopt as an EPL squad, what would y’all suggest?
Easy – go with Arsenal as it’s a storied franchise that hasn’t actually won the title in forever and gives the same sort of misery and pain you’d probably be familiar with as a Bears fan. On the plus side, you’ll get fleeting moments of hope and happiness, though admittedly just in time for the team to go on a skid (usually around the Christmas holidays, though sometimes on the final stretch of the season.. just in time to see them lose first place). Also a plus – the misery of being an Arsenal fan gave us Fever pitch (the book and movie!)
He’s not wrong.
Don’t pick a loser. Pick a team who is expected to win it all, so you can offset the disappointment of what comes with a Bears season.
I could suggest Team Knifey, as Sheffield does kind of give off a bear-ish Midwestern vibe.
But, you might actually enjoy the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols experience.
I’d suggest hopping on the Geordie bandwagon, but Newcastle has morphed into a cross between Hashtag Pauls and LOLphins.
I’ve given this some thought and you don’t want to go for the frontrunner. You’re a Bears fan and you have to earn it Frodo.
Go mid table or early entry like Sherwood or root for Burnley. The fucking Bees!
I’ll buy you a pint of Large!
That’s your team, Laddie!
https://www.espn.com/soccer/report/_/gameId/672366
No worries yet.
Paul Mullin will be back in a month or so, the starting team was not what should hav e been fielded, and that game from last season at Chesterfield was very similar in how bad we did.
Only one game so far.
Milton Keynes Dons? This is a job for JokeBot!
Input: Milton Keynes, Keynsian Economics, Don Corleone, Mafia, Soccer, Guvnas, Milton Green Milton Green Milton Green Milton Green Milton Green needs a Kidney
JokeBot 3001: “…Computing….”
JokeBot 3001: “Hacha, Hadrian’s Wall was a smaller barrier than the disagreement on interest rates at this G8 Summit meeting!”
Ah dammit, the Dennis Miller Module is acting up again.
“In the long run, we’re all bought out by some Saudi prince.”
— Keynes
Looks like Notts County had a rude welcome as well, losing by 4 goals.
I don’t want anyone to think I’ve recently suffered some mild brain damage but I could watch an NFL exhibition game right about now.
… should we dial 9-1-1 for you, or do we skip the niceties and see where I put the dozer blade for the Samson
Well, I’m certainly not worried that it’s “mild” if you’re jonesing for hot pre-season NFL action.
But, but, but…Jalin Hyatt, a wr that was projected to go in the first round that the Giants got in the 3rd is looking really good in camp!
I have the NFL network on Inside Training Camp right now. They were just at the Steelers camp in Latrobe, at St. Vincent’s. My brother and niece got married there. Not to each other, you fucking weirdos!
/Rudy Giuliani has entered the chat.
Keepin’ it in the family!
Florida State, UCONN, and Gonzaga next for the Big 12?
I’m soooooo excited WVU and Arizona now have the chance to restart their epic, one-game rivalry (16-10 WVU in 1972) series annually.
I CALL THE ACC A MOB INFORMANT BEING DRIVEN TOWARDS A LAKE BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW IT YET BUT THEY’RE DEAD IN THE WATER!
Duke and Syracuse to the Big East.
Realistically Chestnut Hill College would need to come to, so you could have a football league, but also fuck those guys.
UConn: 1) Leaves the Big East for something called the AAC because of football, goes nowhere in football, sees the men’s basketball program go from champions to near irrelevance.
2). By some miracle gets back into the Big East, becomes relevant, wins national championship and follows that with a top 5 recruiting class. Football team wins 6 games and gets thumped in something called ‘The Boca Raton Bowl.’
3). Fans follow this by hoping that UConn can leave the Big East for the Big 12, or the Big 10, or the ACC, or anywhere that will help the football program, because they’ve already forgotten step 1.
4.) ?
5.) ???
6.) Profit?
Oh, we’ll never profit from football.
Great for PBJ smoothies too
And sardines!
And bass!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HKTx5WFcs0
Classic
Here’s some EPL predictions:
Winners: Man Shitty
Top 5 (CL): Man Utd, Gooners, Barcodes, McChelsea
Relegation: West Ham, Wolves, Luton
Top Scorer: Haaland
POTS: Haaland
YPOTS: Saka
Signing of the Season: Onana
Flop of the season: Maddison
First Manager to be sacked: David Moyes
MK Dons beating Wrexham like they owe ’em moneys
Watching The Ocho and so far it’s been some Dutch canal pole-jumping thing and now it’s a build-your-own-raft-and-take-it-down-a-competition-level-rapids thing.
?auto=webp&s=9a975ad44c428a714c8deaf41f24f1ce99ff3cbc
It’s hypnotic.
(It helps that I’m not anxious to go outside and start scraping paint)
I stand by my assertion that the Olympics should do a “summer biathlon” consisting of canoeing and archery.
Image posting is my passion.
Well you know what they say: pursue your passions tirelessly and incompetence will never matter. Until maiming.
.
There is a Lady Atomic Dustbins/Dutch canals and poles joke, just sitting there to be made.
I think 2nd place should be considered the championship, because as long as Man City is using that sweet, sweet blood oil money to have Pep tell De Bruyne to pass the ball to Haaland everyone else is playing for second anyway.
Completely forgot to mention that Pep and Handsome Mikel will cross swords tomorrow for the Community Shield (11:00 EST, ESPN+). Be there or…(draws square in the air)
This is a sentence I read this morning.
Annalisa Durdle, a forensics expert who more recently tested the food preferences of flies for biological fluids commonly found at crime scenes (e.g., blood, semen and saliva), calls semen “the crack cocaine of the fly world”.
“Well then smack my ass and call me a fly!!”
-Buddy Cole, probably
We would have also accepted “well, we know what Rod Stewart will be reincarnated as, now”
Ciao Hippo. Sensational primer (and translation guide) right here Buddy. I’m glad I followed and got into it last year. Staying with my pick from last year the Geordies. To recap I selected them because the Animals and Brian Johnson hail from Newcastle plus a quick internet search for hot EPL fans uncovered (not much) the nicest gurls seemed to cheer for them, with little on. Now I know the money is dirty but that seems to be around a lot today sadly. Only in it for the sport… and cheerleaders of course.
https://youtu.be/2lqdErI9uss
Oh and this…