2022 PREDICTION: Optimistic

2022 REALITY: Bad, but good enough for the NFC South title

Coming off a 13-4 season and a close loss to the eventual champion Rams, Tampa had reason to feel good about their chances. Tom Brady returned from 40 days in the desert of spending time with his beautiful family at his many opulent homes, unretiring in March. Gronk was gone, but the bones of the Super Bowl champs were still there and Todd Bowles taking over for Bruce Arians seemed like a relatively minor downgrade. Plus, I mean, the NFC South, right?

Well, that last one was correct. Brady actually had a fine regular season, comparable to his last one in New England. Mike Evans and Chris Godwin had good stats. The biggest issue was that they couldn’t run for shit, and the old New England “fuck it, let’s just do 4 yard passes” approach couldn’t make it up. Combining that with Brady’s ancient arm no longer being able to stretch the field made them incredibly inefficient. The other thing the “aerial running game” needs is a good defense, which the Bucs did not have. It was perfectly average in most respects, but it wasn’t enough. 8-9 was enough to earn a summary de-pantsing on their home turf by the Dallas Cowboys and send Brady off into retirement (so far).

2023 Big Damn Changes:

It’s mostly about the holes (giggitty). After Brady left, they started cutting veterans left and right. This left them with roughly a third of their salary cap ($74 million) tied up in Dead Money. They know they aren’t competing this year.

Exhibit 1: their quarterbacks. Right now they have an open competition between Baker Mayfield and Kyle Trask. The phrases “open competition” and “Kyle Trask” do not belong in the same sentence. The Bucs brought in Dave Canales as offensive coordinator from Seattle, apparently hoping he can repeat the Ressurection of Geno with even less raw material. But this is a flyer and everyone knows it- they’re playing for their next quarterback.

They drafted well, with their first two pick (Calijah Kancey and Cody Maunch) slated to start immediately. Their defense still has a lot of guys whose names ring a “Didn’t he used to be good?” bell. And in theory there are free agent running backs better than Rachaad White, although Tampa can’t afford them.

So yes- the product on the field is not likely to be pretty.

SCHEDULE CONSIDERATION

See yesterday’s Panthers article. Again, ten inherently winnable games off the top between the NFC South and the AFC South. Their in-conference games revolve around the NFC North, which I consider a true crapshoot. Their rando teams are much less favorable than the Panthers, drawing the Eagles, the Niners and the Bills (in Buffalo, on a short week, in primetime).

2023 PREDICTION: 4-13. Look for Ryan Tannehill or Kirk Cousins to sign here next year if they don’t have the draft position for a top-tier QB.

NFL NEWS:

-Well, the first dominoes in the best group of free agent running backs in history have fallen, with Zeke Elliott signing with the Patriots and Dalvin Cook joining Breece Hall in New York. Both signed for one year, with Elliott receiving something like $4 million and Cook getting $7 million. Both enter clear platoon situations.

-Apparently Minshewmania has failed to take root in Indy. The Colts named rookie Anthony Richardson- widely considered the least “pro-ready” of this year’s top QBs- as the starter after one mediocre quarter of preseason football.  Between this and the low numbers in the running back market above, not a great news day for Jonathan Taylor.

-Former Seahawk and Raven running back Alex Collins is dead at 28. A fan and teammate favorite, Collins drove his motorcycle into the side of a turning SUV and ended up dead inside. Be careful out there, riders- whether it’s your fault or not, you’re still the one who pays the price.

NON-NFL NEWS:

–Never trust a rich blonde southern woman Except Dolly Parton.

ISSUE THE SIXTH: THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE EARNED THEIR INVENTORS NOBEL PRIZES (a.k.a. “The People’s Nobel”)

1. Oreos

2. Toasters

3. Latex Condoms

4. WiFi

5. Cadbury’s Creme Eggs

6. Ziploc baggies

7. The drum solo

8. Transformers (the robots, not the electrical device)

9. Spackle

10. Corn Dogs (and fried food on a stick in general- see Stanley S. Jenkins’ patent:

“I have discovered that articles of food such, for instance, as wieners, boiled ham, hard boiled eggs, cheese, sliced peaches, pineapples, bananas and like fruit, and cherries, dates, figs, strawberries, etc., when impaled on sticks and dipped in a batter, which includes in its ingredients a self rising flour, and then deep fried in a vegetable oil at a temperature of about 390 F., the resultant food product on a stick for a handle is a clean, wholesome and tasty refreshment; and to provide a simple, inexpensively constructed and sanitary apparatus for cooking such food products in quantities is a further object of the invention.”

Hero.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE: The Longest Johns