Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: ‘Twas the Night Before Football…

‘Twas the night before football,
And all through the site…

I’m gonna not start that, or else I’m gonna spend my work hours trying to craft a poem instead of *checks notes* string quartet transcriptions while on-call for tutoring. But the rosters are locked in, and tomorrow’s the Chiefs and the Lions. Let’s check some news:

-LB Carl Nassib retires. Nassib is of course known for being the first openly gay player in the NFL, and reported that the NFL has reached out regarding a to-be-determined role.

-WR Jamison Crowder is back in Washington, signed to the Commies’ practice squad.

-From last night: Former Bills WR Mike Williams has passed away from a construction accident. He was 36.

-UPDATE: He has since been upgraded to “alive.”

Sportsball stuff:
U.S. Open quarterfinal action (7:00, ESPN)

Yeah, everything else is local listings that nobody’s telling me. I don’t think we care about a JV GOLF miniseries on ESPN2.

And I leave us with questions about all the teams:

Qardinals: Can they run the table and be the first 0-17 team?
Falcons: How do they feel about not being the 3rd or 28th team on the list?
Ratbirds: Can LAMAR! stay healthy?
Bills: Now that there may be an AFC East dogfight, can they rise above and finally get through unfound territory?
Black Panthers: Is Bryce Young any good?
Chi****: They seriously put Peterman as the backup?
Cincinnati: Joe Burrow’s okay, right?
#ThePauls: Why is Deshaun Watson?
N-GCP: How much will they miss Zeke(‘s corpse)?
Donks: Can Russ overcome his Patrick Star roasting?
Fuck Lions: Can they not start like ass and parlay that into a, dun dun dun, playoff appearance?
Packers: Will it indeed still be Jordan Love Time?
Colts: How can Irsay continue to fuck up the Jonathan Taylor situation?
Jaguras: Can they take the AFC South and feast upon it to… well, maybe not the top seed, but sneaking up on the other three divisions?
Chefs: Is Travis Kelce okay?
That’s Rikki’s Raiders: Are they just going to run Handsome Jimmy’s “He’s a winner” and see what happens?
BOLTMEN: How do they fuck it up this year?
RAM IT: How fucked are they this year, apart from maybe the Qardinal games?
Fuck You Whale and Dolphin: Can they keep Tua alive?
Vikings: How much of last year was an aberration?
P*ts: How do they miraculously fuck over the Jets, as it tradition?
Saints: How does the Derek Carr era look?
Football Giants: How does Danny Derps not Derp?
J-E-T-E: Okay, how does this get fucked up?
Iggles: The SB loss hangover is mostly real, so what do you do for an encore?
Stillers: How do they get to 9 wins this year?
Numbers & Win4: How does the internal brace work, and will it work for Shohei?
Seahawks: Who wins in a fight, a seahawk or a seawolf?
Bucee’s: Well, now what?
TITS: When does Malik Willis take over?
Cheat Commandos, Rock Rock On: How does the post-Snyder era actually look on the field?

Cool that’s everyone. Now I gotta get ready for the tWBS memorial fantasy draft!