Welcome Lards and Lasses, are you as giddy in your shorts or PJ’s or yoga pants or whatever as I am? No doubt. It’s finally here, by the grace of Goodell. [tries to spit on ground, hits small girl in error]
Thoughts and prayers go out to Bama fans and fantasy players that took Kupp in the 2nd round. Yahoo dunked on yours truly because I reached for Ridley there but how do you like me know, unfeeling fantasy platform?
My prep for today’s shindig involved making chili yesterday and making the near superhuman effort (for me) of only having a few loving spoonfuls. It’s been percolating (wrong word but I like the connotation) in the fridge, getting better and better by the hour. Let me know what your pre-game actions are in the comments.
To The Games!
Texans/Ravens:
For better or worse, Demeco and Stroud’s fortunes are joined at the hip. There’s some interesting pieces to work with but there’s such a long way to go. Lamar has never had so many legit receiving options as he has this year. (though I’ve given up on Bateman)
Bengals/Browns:
Will Burrow’s mobility be limited in any way? We should find out early, given that Garrett will no doubt be in his face from the get-go. The Bengals safety sitch looks as dicey as hell, so little experience back there.
Bucs/Vikes:
The Baker Mayfield Experiment (Part 3?) begins again in Minny. The former overall #1 pick has more than his share of doubters, haters and whisperers-seems like too much to overcome. We’ll see.
Titans/Saints:
Fantasy folks are saying that this is the year the wheels come off the Henry train but they’ve failed to account for the fact that he’s not human. He’ll be viable into his 30’s.
Panthers/Falcons:
Call me Ballsy (is there room for two?) but in Math Hurts! league I’m starting Atlanta’s backfield of Allgeier and Bijan. The logic (if you could call it that) is that no matter what the game script, they will try to run the ball down your throat.
Jags/Colts:
A Jackson/Moss backfield scares exactly no one and elicits an ‘Ugh’ from most everyone. Most folks feel that we’ll see the real Prison Girlfriend now that there’s some modicum of stability and competence in his environs.
Niners/Steelers:
Pitt is a dog at home to start the season? Yoink! you very much oddsmakers. Never undersell Tomlin, ever.
Cards/Commies:
In my “Not Survivor” pick ’em league I’ve the Cards to go down. I think it’s written in stone that Dobbs will have a dreadful day vs the likes of Payne, Sweat and Tears. Uh, I mean Allen.
Do you in the comments.
Me: I don’t want to root for any team that employs DeShaun Watson, so today I’m a Bengals fan.
Announcer: AND JOE MIXON BREAKS OFF A BIG RUN FOR THE BENGALS!!!
Me: -sigh-
::DOOR FLIES OPEN::
Do these new NFL helmets have speed holes on top?
“I wish my helmet did back in the day.”
-T. Marinovich
Drainage for brain matter.
“they make the concussions happen faster!”
-h. simpson
OY. I did indeed leave in Waller over Hurst.
My $60 fuckup (Anthony Richardson) in Math Hurts has 14.02 points and counting.
Trade him for Waller? I’d do that, effective Week 2.
Ford Commercial “And find me a small business owner who is happy with 80% effort.”
You know what I could do with fucking 80% effort? Come in everyday and give me a solid 80% and you’ll have a long career where you are overpaid for your skillset/effort.
Problem now is it’s easier to go to full automation than piece together something these inconsistent 35% folks do.
(Admittedly, my small business is not extremely human-heavy on costs to start but I think the point stands and also I hate the tech in my F150 and am going to go with another manufacturer next round so fix your own house first, Oval).
6’8″ and 375 lbs.
I am finding it increasingly hard to relate to the NFL.
CB?
Soon, Blax. Soon.
6’8″ and 375 lbs.
That’s at least 3 1/2 Lowratios!*
*the newest height/weight scale for DFOers
Been so long since I’ve had to dig up a game feed that I had to start from scratch.
Ten minutes later…WORTH IT
CJ Stroud looks like I expected Anthony Richardson to look. Fuck’s sake.
Hey guys. Anything new going on today?
Something bout cows?
No, they play at 4.
I am happy to report that they were out and about, and not in my yard, after last night’s nasty thunderstorms.
Not sure how they’re dealign with right now’s nasty thunderstorms, but that’s a tomorrow problem.
So they didn’t get raptured?
8! Jeebuz!!!!
Ooh, I might get to watch that!
(Fried chicken dinner at 4:30. Priorities)
Wait — WAS has “Hail to the Commanders”?
Just fucking keep the name [*Redacted] s then.
I’d like to call this 3-0 contest between the Browns and Bengals a “Slug Fest” but that would be an insult to all the slugs the world over.
Certainly don’t want to pour any salt on those wounds.
I like the way the Cardinals have gone with the generic NFL font for their jerseys now. Why spend any money on anything at all when you can just have the league hand it to you?
Arizona D is absolutely trying to get ejected from this game.
They’d rather watch tennis.
Mike Bidwill daring Caleb Williams to go back to USC for another year.
Murray challenged first one of them to a COD match
THIS JAX/IND GAME I CALL IT JOE ROGANS COVID 19 VACCINE TRUTHERISM BECAUSE DESPITE THE EXPERTS KNOWLEDGE THE CLOTS HAVE SHOWED UP
FatHumps didn’t know to push forward, not push straight down
Fuck me, I should have targeted Purdy Mouth instead of Emo Carr as my Q-aron insurance.
He’s my Tua head owie alternate, and I’ve got him racking up points on the bench today.
I have both Purdy Mouth and Emo Carr as Tua insurance!
(2 QB league)
Brock Purdy… MVP?
Oh lawd.
Coach Epps is just setting up division foes to be complacent.
How we gonna kick it? Gonna kick it AiyukDOWN!
Heh heh. Total Yahoo Fantasy F performance.
holy shit, I forgot I didn’t draft him in Vodka League!
/in my defense, that was FOUR WHOLE DAYS ago
The Chronic (what?) cles of Desmond Ridder also somehow has multiple completions, 4, for a total of 0 yards .
I want him to go 17/20, 0 yards and 3 touchdowns
I’m not gonna lie, I’m not watching til the Bears/Packers tilt, so like Mark Chmura, you’re only getting fantasy based comments from me.
Bengals offense is starting worse than a 15-year old lawn mower that sat outside all winter.
15 you say?
–Matt Gaetz
“15 years old? I’ll pass.”
-M. Testman and M. Gaetz in unison
Patrick Peterson a Hall of Famer at this point?
Champ Bailey-like career, but maybe not quite as good/consistent?
I think yes
competent clots!
“Your wish fulfillment has no power here!”
-Gandalf The Jax (defensive coordinator)
el Tractorcito, we can all feel DonT’s throbbing erection
amén. Loopy playcalling, but ok
Who’s got two thumbs and ignored teh hippo’s advice to start Aiyuk?
doing the opposite of me is usually a good life plan
welp, now my SurvivoUr pick looks iffy (Duuuuuvvvvvaaaalllll)
The FUCK LIOUNS killed me literally one game into the season. This sport, man.
60 Minutes playing to old folks over 60 that have an attention span of 60+ minutes. Other than that, I can’t see why it’s on the air anymore.
Mike Wallace has to be dead by now, right? I haven’t thought about that show in forever.
“What is his frequency anyways?”
-Kenneth
Cleveland has their old mascot Brownie the Sprite as their midfield logo. My Grandma Fran who had dementia also called her Nigerian hospice aid this who liked soda.
Buddy already in playoff form.
At the very least he’ll get a wild card spot.
I HAVEN’T SEEN CARDINALS PLAYING THIS DIRTY SINCE THE LAST CATHOLIC CHURCH CONVOCATION!
+1 white smoke.
Laremy spoke in BAAAAALLLLMER today!
Tejans have 2 receivers with a catch, both for 0 yards, and one of them is the quarteredback. I’m giving it a 10% chance that it’s the box score espn done messed up
Doesn’t count if the organization is imaginary.
Jeebus wept. That was a plethora of penalties all by one player at FedEx.
bloody ref on the play
FIIIIGHT!
Bengalis having some issues-this is not a repeat from 1971.
HOLY SHITSNACKS, Prison Girlfriend
PG/Ridley stack is all kinds of wonderful!
ride that like a sybian chuh chuh
Every year they should add a new penalty, but not tell any of the players
kIrK cOuSinS strikes again!
Caaaappppptaaaaaiiiiinnnn Dingleberry! AHOY!!!
Do we not like that?
PICKETTCEPTION
Matt Canada is demoted to Mike Mexico.
that means mike mexico is the ron mexico of matt canadas
ruh roh, Uncle Jack
1:15 pm eastern time sept 10 2023, the first of many punts this year by the cleveland browns
Bengals O-Line is better. Burrow is only get hit on every other pass play.
I like Vita Vea because alliteration and his name sounds like a South American cooking method.
Smashmouth bumper music on the Stillers-Niners broadcast. Jimmy Buffett next?
My Freezer Vodka team is still scoreless. Fuck sakes!
Only player I have on each team? Brandon Aiyuk.
/it’s all downhill from here
AiyukDOWN WOO!!!!
You meant AiyukDOWN BOO!!!!
A fucking weekly test of the alert system? REALLY?
They know errybody is in front of they’s teevees.
All of these o-lines getting blown up already is giving me heartburn about the Jet game tomorrow.
Jets always win on 9/11 ppl forget that INSHALLAH