The Most Glorious Day in Ever NFL Football Open Thread

Welcome Lards and Lasses, are you as giddy in your shorts or PJ’s or yoga pants or whatever as I am? No doubt. It’s finally here, by the grace of Goodell. [tries to spit on ground, hits small girl in error]

Thoughts and prayers go out to Bama fans and fantasy players that took Kupp in the 2nd round. Yahoo dunked on yours truly because I reached for Ridley there but how do you like me know, unfeeling fantasy platform?

My prep for today’s shindig involved making chili yesterday and making the near superhuman effort (for me) of only having a few loving spoonfuls. It’s been percolating (wrong word but I like the connotation) in the fridge, getting better and better by the hour. Let me know what your pre-game actions are in the comments.

To The Games!

Texans/Ravens:

For better or worse, Demeco and Stroud’s fortunes are joined at the hip. There’s some interesting pieces to work with but there’s such a long way to go. Lamar has never had so many legit receiving options as he has this year. (though I’ve given up on Bateman)

Bengals/Browns:

Will Burrow’s mobility be limited in any way? We should find out early, given that Garrett will no doubt be in his face from the get-go. The Bengals safety sitch looks as dicey as hell, so little experience back there.

Bucs/Vikes:

The Baker Mayfield Experiment (Part 3?) begins again in Minny. The former overall #1 pick has more than his share of doubters, haters and whisperers-seems like too much to overcome. We’ll see.

Titans/Saints:

Fantasy folks are saying that this is the year the wheels come off the Henry train but they’ve failed to account for the fact that he’s not human. He’ll be viable into his 30’s.

Panthers/Falcons:

Call me Ballsy (is there room for two?) but in Math Hurts! league I’m starting Atlanta’s backfield of Allgeier and Bijan. The logic (if you could call it that) is that no matter what the game script, they will try to run the ball down your throat.

Jags/Colts:

A Jackson/Moss backfield scares exactly no one and elicits an ‘Ugh’ from most everyone. Most folks feel that we’ll see the real Prison Girlfriend now that there’s some modicum of stability and competence in his environs.

Niners/Steelers:

Pitt is a dog at home to start the season? Yoink! you very much oddsmakers. Never undersell Tomlin, ever.

Cards/Commies:

In my “Not Survivor” pick ’em league I’ve the Cards to go down. I think it’s written in stone that Dobbs will have a dreadful day vs the likes of Payne, Sweat and Tears. Uh, I mean Allen.

Do you in the comments.

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Horatio Cornblower

Me: I don’t want to root for any team that employs DeShaun Watson, so today I’m a Bengals fan.

Announcer: AND JOE MIXON BREAKS OFF A BIG RUN FOR THE BENGALS!!!

Me: -sigh-

blaxabbath

::DOOR FLIES OPEN::

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Here’s the story of the Me-Te-Or

The rock the Horatio came to adore

For somethin’ that he needed done

Creating a future where one can

Feel comfortable being an NFL fan

blaxabbath

Do these new NFL helmets have speed holes on top?

LemonJello

“I wish my helmet did back in the day.”
-T. Marinovich

clint greasewood

Drainage for brain matter.

fleshwound_NPG

“they make the concussions happen faster!”

-h. simpson

King Hippo

OY. I did indeed leave in Waller over Hurst.

King Hippo

Trade him for Waller? I’d do that, effective Week 2.

blaxabbath

Ford Commercial “And find me a small business owner who is happy with 80% effort.”

You know what I could do with fucking 80% effort? Come in everyday and give me a solid 80% and you’ll have a long career where you are overpaid for your skillset/effort.

Problem now is it’s easier to go to full automation than piece together something these inconsistent 35% folks do.

(Admittedly, my small business is not extremely human-heavy on costs to start but I think the point stands and also I hate the tech in my F150 and am going to go with another manufacturer next round so fix your own house first, Oval).

Horatio Cornblower

6’8″ and 375 lbs.

I am finding it increasingly hard to relate to the NFL.

blaxabbath

CB?

Horatio Cornblower

Soon, Blax. Soon.

Petronel

Been so long since I’ve had to dig up a game feed that I had to start from scratch.

Ten minutes later…WORTH IT

King Hippo

CJ Stroud looks like I expected Anthony Richardson to look. Fuck’s sake.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey guys. Anything new going on today?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Something bout cows?

Horatio Cornblower

No, they play at 4.

Horatio Cornblower

I am happy to report that they were out and about, and not in my yard, after last night’s nasty thunderstorms.

Not sure how they’re dealign with right now’s nasty thunderstorms, but that’s a tomorrow problem.

Gumbygirl

So they didn’t get raptured?

Horatio Cornblower

Ooh, I might get to watch that!

(Fried chicken dinner at 4:30. Priorities)

blaxabbath

Wait — WAS has “Hail to the Commanders”?

Just fucking keep the name [*Redacted] s then.

Last edited 1 year ago by blaxabbath
Horatio Cornblower

Certainly don’t want to pour any salt on those wounds.

blaxabbath

I like the way the Cardinals have gone with the generic NFL font for their jerseys now. Why spend any money on anything at all when you can just have the league hand it to you?

LemonJello

Arizona D is absolutely trying to get ejected from this game.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’d rather watch tennis.

blaxabbath

Mike Bidwill daring Caleb Williams to go back to USC for another year.

Gatoraids

Murray challenged first one of them to a COD match

fleshwound_NPG

THIS JAX/IND GAME I CALL IT JOE ROGANS COVID 19 VACCINE TRUTHERISM BECAUSE DESPITE THE EXPERTS KNOWLEDGE THE CLOTS HAVE SHOWED UP

Spur

FatHumps didn’t know to push forward, not push straight down

King Hippo

Fuck me, I should have targeted Purdy Mouth instead of Emo Carr as my Q-aron insurance.

LemonJello

He’s my Tua head owie alternate, and I’ve got him racking up points on the bench today.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have both Purdy Mouth and Emo Carr as Tua insurance!

(2 QB league)

WCS

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Mr. Ayo

Brock Purdy… MVP?

Gumbygirl

Oh lawd.

King Hippo

Coach Epps is just setting up division foes to be complacent.

King Hippo

How we gonna kick it? Gonna kick it AiyukDOWN!

Don T

Heh heh. Total Yahoo Fantasy F performance.

King Hippo

holy shit, I forgot I didn’t draft him in Vodka League!

/in my defense, that was FOUR WHOLE DAYS ago

herodotus450

The Chronic (what?) cles of Desmond Ridder also somehow has multiple completions, 4, for a total of 0 yards .

Redshirt

I want him to go 17/20, 0 yards and 3 touchdowns

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m not gonna lie, I’m not watching til the Bears/Packers tilt, so like Mark Chmura, you’re only getting fantasy based comments from me.

Redshirt

Bengals offense is starting worse than a 15-year old lawn mower that sat outside all winter.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

15 you say?
–Matt Gaetz

LemonJello

“15 years old? I’ll pass.”
-M. Testman and M. Gaetz in unison

WCS

Patrick Peterson a Hall of Famer at this point?

King Hippo

Champ Bailey-like career, but maybe not quite as good/consistent?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think yes

fleshwound_NPG

competent clots!

King Hippo

el Tractorcito, we can all feel DonT’s throbbing erection

Don T

amén. Loopy playcalling, but ok

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who’s got two thumbs and ignored teh hippo’s advice to start Aiyuk?

King Hippo

doing the opposite of me is usually a good life plan

King Hippo

welp, now my SurvivoUr pick looks iffy (Duuuuuvvvvvaaaalllll)

The Maestro

The FUCK LIOUNS killed me literally one game into the season. This sport, man.

The Maestro

Mike Wallace has to be dead by now, right? I haven’t thought about that show in forever.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Cleveland has their old mascot Brownie the Sprite as their midfield logo. My Grandma Fran who had dementia also called her Nigerian hospice aid this who liked soda.

WCS

Buddy already in playoff form.

LemonJello

I HAVEN’T SEEN CARDINALS PLAYING THIS DIRTY SINCE THE LAST CATHOLIC CHURCH CONVOCATION!

WCS

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King Hippo

Laremy spoke in BAAAAALLLLMER today!

herodotus450

Tejans have 2 receivers with a catch, both for 0 yards, and one of them is the quarteredback. I’m giving it a 10% chance that it’s the box score espn done messed up

WCS

Doesn’t count if the organization is imaginary.

LemonJello

Jeebus wept. That was a plethora of penalties all by one player at FedEx.

Gatoraids

bloody ref on the play

Smithchez

FIIIIGHT!

King Hippo

HOLY SHITSNACKS, Prison Girlfriend

King Hippo

ride that like a sybian chuh chuh

herodotus450

Every year they should add a new penalty, but not tell any of the players

Smithchez

kIrK cOuSinS strikes again!

King Hippo

Caaaappppptaaaaaiiiiinnnn Dingleberry! AHOY!!!

LemonJello

Do we not like that?

WCS

PICKETTCEPTION

Matt Canada is demoted to Mike Mexico.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
fleshwound_NPG

that means mike mexico is the ron mexico of matt canadas

LemonJello

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King Hippo

ruh roh, Uncle Jack

fleshwound_NPG

1:15 pm eastern time sept 10 2023, the first of many punts this year by the cleveland browns

Redshirt

Bengals O-Line is better. Burrow is only get hit on every other pass play.

WCS

Smashmouth bumper music on the Stillers-Niners broadcast. Jimmy Buffett next?

King Hippo

Only player I have on each team? Brandon Aiyuk.

/it’s all downhill from here

WCS

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King Hippo

AiyukDOWN WOO!!!!

Gumbygirl

You meant AiyukDOWN BOO!!!!

Mr. Ayo

A fucking weekly test of the alert system? REALLY?

LemonJello

They know errybody is in front of they’s teevees.

Smithchez

All of these o-lines getting blown up already is giving me heartburn about the Jet game tomorrow.

King Hippo

Jets always win on 9/11 ppl forget that INSHALLAH

Brocky

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