Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Let him go, let him go, God bless him.

No news or anything tonight, watch the ALCS or hockey, or Game 4 of the WNBA Finals. Or the Marble League, Qualifiers and Event 1 are up.

Here at DFO, we take care of our cars, even if we’re not a car blog, except for the first part of Sexy Friday sometimes now that Mr. Ayo runs that (and I still want his guide to The Corkscrew!). We personify them, as they are part of us, with us at seemingly every juncture. After all, one of the recurring characters in DFO lore is tWBS’s trusty pickup, Dave.

As previously mentioned, last weekend Senorita Weaselo and I got into a car accident. I somehow managed to escape (to my knowledge) unscathed, but Senorita Weaselo likely will need some physical therapy for her injuries. As for my car… the title of tonight’s post, a reference to the below song, should give the verdict rendered by the adjuster.

I went this morning to clean out my car, weep in the driver’s seat as I talked to him one last time to good-bye, to the point one of the good folks at Queens Village Auto noticed and consoled me when I got back to the office, and claim my plates to give to the DMV.

What I said to him is private, of course. What I write now is a eulogy for yes, a car, but a companion, true to the end.


His name is, was, Argent. Argent Sterling [Weaselo]. A silvery name for a silver car.

I got him because I had to hand down what was Madre Weaselo’s hand-me-down, her old Hyundai Elantra, to Hermana Weaselo, who needed it to go be a real girl when she stayed upstate after graduating college. And it just so happened Hermana’s then-boyfriend at the time worked at a dealership and gave me the hook-up.

I remember that day for two things: One, getting Argent of course, and two, we went to the BWW across the street, and in retrospect the Blazin’ wings I got that day led to the first flare-up of what would lead to my gallbladder getting removed a month or so later. (It just felt like a stomachache at around 2 AM, but at that time it subsided.) Overall, a momentous day for me.

But I drove my new car home, at that point unnamed, and dealt with the fun of the Taconic State Parkway because I didn’t have an EZPass yet and it had fewer tolls. We did it as dusk approached, and appreciated the chance for a true test that it had passed with flying colors. The Taconic can be scary, and I had never felt so confident in maneuvering it. My first car, bought (fine, partially financed) with my own money, some sort of major foothold of adulthood, even if the whole concept is a bit antiquated these days.

We became a three-headed conglomerate. My car, my violin, and me, on our collective way to whatever gig or show or students. Onward, to the next one. Sometimes no violin, sometimes my grandfather’s violin because mine was in the shop. But Argent and I were always game, off to wherever the road took us. As far up as Connecticut, or Monsey. As far down as Lakewood, NJ, or Toms River, or an occasional gig out in the Poconos.

He had more prominent roles to play as well. A year or so later, when I was asked to be a ringer for my alma mater where I did my Bachelor’s, because they were hurting for violinists. And I met a girl there, also an alumna, just graduated, and she was my stand partner, and she was chill and sweet and kind and interesting and wonderful to talk to and laughed way too hard at my jokes and observations from the back of the 2nds. After a bite, I insisted I’d drive her home, because I was going in that direction, so it just made sense rather than waiting for the bus and the Metro North.

I was not going in that direction, south Brooklyn is basically the opposite direction from northeast Queens. But, if not for Argent, I’m never able to drive her home, and Senorita Weaselo and I may never have gotten together. The life we hope to live together is in our minds because of Argent.

And sure, he didn’t always make it easy, or perfect. The city roads and curbs are atrocious, and I had to replace tires and wheels thanks to them more than a couple times. The power locks didn’t always work, because I was driving someone back into the city after a gig and they opened the door right as I clicked it to unlock. This also led to some time where one door just wouldn’t lock for a time, and my sunglasses got stolen out of the car last year (sucks to be them to try and sell them, they were prescription). And of course, the rear-enders I also got into last year.

But Argent always could bounce back from whatever. Every time I took him in for an oil change, or whatever, everyone always said he was in great shape. And I was elated about that. I figured I had many more years with him.

I should have had more years with him. Sure, you may say six years is plenty of time with a car, but I was hoping for 10. I was hoping to get to 100,000 miles with him, and 150K total, sometime next year, then to make his way to 200K. Time to move on comes for us all, but I wanted a smile on my face, tears of pride for everything he’d done for me over the years as the torch would passed to his heir. Not tears of grieving. I know at the end of the day, as I’ve been reminded by the family Weaselo and the guys at the body shop, he’s just a car, and a car is a Thing, and things can be replaced, and they’re absolutely right. I know I’ll have other cars over the rest of my life. But I also know I won’t have another Argent. Taking an SUV to the front like that, he died a hero for Senorita Weaselo and me… and I wish he didn’t have to.

When the time comes, there’ll be more road trips for us to take. Even if, sorry buddy, I plan on taking my time to get there. Until then, Godspeed, Argent.

My gallant, valiant, trusty, silver boy.

Until then, watch over me. Keep my blind side safe.
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Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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bk109

Firstly, speedy recovery to Senorita. As for the

 he’s just a car, and a car is a Thing, and things can be replaced

… that’s not quite true. A car can be replaced, your first car (as in the first one you got yourself) will never be, because deep down inside you’ll compare what you had with what you drive now*. Plus, at least your car went out like a champ, so you can process it a bit differently than say mrs. bk109, whose first “own” car scrapped because of frame damage (slow, side impact that hit juuuuuuuust right to take out the right front tyre assembly), with basically no cosmetic damage that died minding its own business, while she was watching Twatlight:Something or other at the cinema.

*ie – while I love my Audis, I miss the banged-up B3 80 that was 2 years older than me, with its somewhat temperamental gearbox, shitty Blaupunkt (that blew out my rear speakers) and total lack of air conditioning and I’ve been missing it ever since I had to be cut out of it . I miss its bombproof engine that allowed me to drive in a flood (with water reaching the radiator), I miss the spacers the previous owner put on the axles to further increase the car’s stability, I miss how I could drive out of the snow drift that was my parking spot without having to shovel away 500 kilos of snow…….. Fuck, I’m legitimately getting teary eyed thinking about my Beast 🙁

Mr. Ayo

RIP Argent. Gave its life for yours and Señorita. Next one will be better, no doubt.

Doktor Zymm

Seems about right for all fan bases, except the part about winning of course

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WCS

Damn, Dok.

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Mr. Ayo

The last part should be labeled wide right

blaxabbath

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2Pack

I’m only a a few billion shy of matching Bill Gates.

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SonOfSpam

Only a couple inches short of John Holmes.

(yes bigger than Favre but that’s in no way a brag)

ArmedandHammered

Sorry to hear about your accident, may you have no long lasting effects and may Seniorita get back to 100% soon.

Brocky

Sucks about your car mate.

I was gifted a used convertible in excellent shape as I was the first grandchild to graduate college. It got totaled because some moron decided to forget that ice was a thing on the day before Christmas eve, yeah I got a more fuel efficient car now, but still I want it back

Gumbygirl

Gumby’s grandfather sold his big ass Bquick to our son when he wasn’t able to drive anymore- he was in his late 90’s, over 100 when he died. Ben had to pay him 2 bucks, in quarters. We called it the Papmobile.

Gumbygirl

Ha, Buick, not Bquick. It was pretty damn zippy though!

Gumbygirl

Aw, farewell to the noble Argent! Gone for the last ride, but lives on in memory. I’m just glad you and the senorita are ok. You can’t be replaced!

2Pack
SonOfSpam

Just the horniest carfucking song ever

2Pack

It is a sweet convertible, top down, sunny summer day, on the way to the beach song of my youth.
My friends told me you could be a complete dork, and still get pussy with that car.
I don’t recall thanking them for that remark.

Sharkbait

Broadway, my blue GTI sends his condolences. Hopefully the PT Senorita needs works for her

litre_cola

If I ever get a PT Cruiser it will be named PT Senorita.

Brocky

So apparently Paulie from rocky died

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Another tune – much more lively – about car troubles.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfdaC6Rc64M

Redshirt

https://thehill.com/regulation/court-battles/4262880-donald-trump-new-york-civil-fraud-trial-told-quiet-down/

Who had 10/18 as the day a judge told Trump to shut up in their court?

WCS

There’s an alternative timeline/multiverse where the NFL owners let him buy the Bills 14 years ago, and none of this happened.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Given how little else is going on this evening in the world of balls (not the World of Balls), that’s an entirely different milieu, perhaps let us hold an impromptu requiem for the dearly departed Argent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Wa87_GXyp4

Last edited 6 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Today’s HOT TAEK on film: the car-ride-to-the-dance scene between Michael Keaton and Tom Holland in Spider-Man is a better version of the coffee scene between DeNiro and Pacino in Heat

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EEQ4Y_Qm04

TRUE WCS FACT: Michael Keaton went to the same high school I did. Clearly, he still has catching up to do to get where I’m at, but pretty cool nonetheless.

Gumbygirl

He is cool, you are ROYAL!

SonOfSpam

I mean, he rules and all, but you literally* are royalty.

*ok kind of adjacent

Redshirt

Plus it also showed how to reveal a superhero’s identity without having to remove the mask, the hero making a mistake or painfully spell it out for everyone.

If anything, Peter learned from it. That’s why he didn’t want to show up as Spider-Man in Europe. Because that’s how his identity was compromised; Peter Parker went out of town and Spider-Man also showed up.

Dunstan

Yeah, in the comics the entire supporting cast was incredibly idiotic, never questioning anything. There’s an issue where Gwen is in London and Peter goes there to talk to her (I think it’s after Gwen’s father has died and she’s upset), and of course he has to change into Spidey and fight some villains, so he actually realizes that he can’t show up and see Gwen without her clueing in. Of course, he then proceeds to return to New York and…. sell his Spider-Man in London photos to the Daily Bugle, only realizing as Joe Robertson is looking over the photos that, uh, maybe Robbie isn’t a complete idiot and will figure it out.

(Common fan theory was that Joe knew and kept his mouth shut. Was maybe thrown off the scent during the Clone Saga when Peter and the Ben Reilly Spider-Man were seen together.)

The first Tobey Maguire film did something similar. Norman Osborne recognizes during Thanksgiving dinner that Peter has a cut on his arm identical to the one he inflicted on Spider-Man in their fight earlier that day, and that (combined with the scene where Peter is almost caught on the ceiling of his bedroom) is enough to clue him in.

Brick Meathook

The one thing I love about America, more than the gold, is the cocaine. Madre Maria do I love the cocaine. I like it in my nose, I like it on my huevos, I like it in my eyeballs.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s his well-groomed testicles, for those of you that don’t speak Spanish.

WCS

Sprechen sie Duetsch?

Don T

Wonderful post, Señor. Matchmaker and protector would never appear on the Kelley Blue Book. I’m so sorry.
Forget cars. I know this guy’s neighbor. 15% commish afTer shipping costs, DM
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ballsofsteelandfury

Well-written. Sorry about Argent. I did notice a bit of an oversight. The paragraph where you talked about all the sex you had in Argent seems to have disappeared….

Last edited 6 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
litre_cola

In his capable bosom.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Speaking of cars, when did Brick start writing for jalopnik?

https://jalopnik.com/it-has-come-to-our-attention-that-the-toyota-butt-plug-1850934380

WCS

Seems more of a Balls thing…

ballsofsteelandfury

This is true.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well regardless I’m just now seeing that BeefReeferLives scooped me on it on the previous post so…..

/smokebomb

Doktor Zymm

It’s always sad when a car dies, especially when it’s unexpectedly in the line of duty. Hopefully you’ll be just as happy with your next car, while still enjoying your memories of Argent

Brick Meathook

Gracias for allowing me into your noble group.

Doktor Zymm

Welcome!

WCS

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Brick Meathook

I will be most proud to share my favorite vacation pictures with you kind people.

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Don T

Yo conde, that looks like work

SonOfSpam

Welcome Cecil Rhodes en Espanol

scotchnaut

Car-adjacent Joke Alert:

-What’s the best thing about drinking brake fluid?

/You can stop anytime you want.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Pouring one* out for Argent.

*5W30

BeefReeferLives

Crikey, that’s solid tackling technique. That nun should be an ILB.

https://metro.co.uk/2023/10/18/nun-tackles-climate-activist-france-protest-video-19681522/

Almost as violent and vicious as the attack on Pearl HarboUr…
(or, at least the Batley Townswomen’s Guild’s re-enactment thereof)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyORbG3I5Ys

Gumbygirl

Nuns don’t fuck around.

BeefReeferLives

Fare thee well, sublime, silver chariot. We hardly knew ye….