Yes, I am angrily pilled to the gills.  Let’s see how much Hippo can remember about these past 14 hours!

Oh dear God, did The Shield EVAR test Germany’s schiesse porn limits.  P*ts opened with a long drive and FG, Humps responded with an even longer TD drive.  Then…nothing.  A whole metric fuckton of NOTHING.  New England, despite missing a chip shot FG, remained on the precipice of a (rumoUred) Belicheck-saving win.  Down 10-6, The Legend of White Mac had an easy pitch and catch to win…and threw the limpest noodle pickerception one will ever see.  So much so that they put that poor Zappe dipshit in for the 2:00 drill, which provided the hilarity we needed.  After BARELY converting 4th and 1 around the NE 40, kid ran a REALLY obvious fake spike play, threw into triple coverage to euthanize the game.  OY, what a morning.  I watched this instead of City of Men/Chelski 4-4.

Six pack in the early afternoon window, with a few tasty (on paper) matchups.  I noted my amazement that the Tomsulas were favoUred headed into DUUUUVVVVAAAALLLL, with their 3-game losing streak and the Jaguras looking like a real contender.  Naturally, Santa Clara won 34-3, though JAX stopped the insane McCaffery TD streak at 17 games.  Prison Girlfriend’s milkshake most assuredly did NOT bring the boys to the yard.  Maybe next week, kid.

Ratbirds and #ThePauls did live up to the hype in drama, if not in quality.  Lamar! and crew seemingly were ahead 14 or 15 points all goddamned day, but fucked around and found out.  Despite numerous BLEERGH bailouts, they kept shooting themselves in the dick.  Finally, a pickerception was NOT negated by penalty, and returned for 6.  But JUST 6, as they missed the extra point, 31-30.  But the now-gunshy Ratbord offense couldn’t play keep away nor get any more points, and Believeland won it at the gun, 33-31.  Good Lord, was this a stupid loss.  Even by Baltimoron standards.

Like their Northeast Ohio frenemies, those plucky Yinzers just keep on winning.  Similarly despite mediocre (being charitable) QB play.  Jordan Love played a little better this week, and had a final shot at the end zone from the PIT 15 on the final play.  But Coach Epps’ men hold on, 23-19.  Both Yinzer RBs had great games, as inexplicable as that might seem (given their OL and lack of a passing game threat).  It may seem like a fraudulent 6-3, but Coach Parcells would remind us you are what your record says you are.  Also, some impolite things about Asian-Americans.  C’mon Coach P., it’s the 21st century here.

We got Crab Legs! in the Bird Murder Dome, but only after the Magickal Black Powder built a mighty 27-3 lead.  Whatever candles that guy is lighting?  They fucking work.  Who needs Justin Jefferson, or a functional run game?  Why evebn know anyone’s name?  Rapey Jameis, in relief of ded-again Emo Carr, managed a couple of nice throws for six, and converted both twos to make 8s.  Seemingly every other throw was horrid, the Winston we all remember.  Until he got one last chance to do an inverse Minneapolis Miracle, and he almost pulled off an amazing, 54-yard Hail Mary.  I swear to fuck, it went like 2 miles into the air.  Just PERFECT.  But it bounced off the turf, SKOL gets #5 in a row, 27-19.  Sorry, Mr. Pickle.

But naturally, the Game of the Week was 500s at WKRP.  Houston, admittedly, had been on a nice run – except for that loss in Charlotte in the middle of same.  CJ Stroud…is fucking legit.  I can’t apologize for my shitty JV evaluation enough.  He just slays.  In this one, he showed he can bounce back from a crippling error – as he threw a pick in his own territory up 10, with under 4:00 to play.  It was a great bit of play action on 3rd and 2 – and was the dagger shot…except Cincy somehow sniffed it out and covered it.  Instant TD, followed by a quick goal to go for the Bengals, and it looked ominous.  But the surprisingly cromulent D held them to 3, and got the ball back to Stroud with under a minute, tied at 27.  On a crucial 3rd and 4, they not only converted, but also crossed midfield.  Stroud made a 2nd perfect toss to get them into FG range and burn all of the clock.  Backup placement man (but not the 4th string RB this week) is good at the death, a yuuuuuuuge road win for everyone’s favoUrite imaginary franchise.  Quite the impressive season.

MRSA and DonT’s perhaps-fading Tits also played.  Well, Tampa played, Tennessee just kinda hung out.  20-6, final.  I remember jack shit else.

That leaves Four on the Floor late, and the floor is definitely there for the Vertically Enhanced Persons – especially when led by the woefully overmatched Dr. Mantis Toboggan.  They trailed 28-nil at the half, and only misplaced pity/boredom allowed them to avoid the clean sheet.  I maybe saw 2 plays of the second half, but the final was 49-17.  Tony Pollard?  Still did jack shit.

Lucky for us, the other 3 were decent enough.  Atlanta and Arizona was quite the unexpected barnburner, even with Desmond Ridder having to play.  He even scrambled them into the lead late, but Wee Kyler was not to be denied.  He drove the length of the field in 2 and a half minutes, before he and James Conner refused to go the final yard – opting instead for bleeding ATL’s timeouts and all of the clock.  Chip shot FG is a winner for the Qards, 25-23.  Which is kind of a fun score, really.  Plus, who wants Arthur Smith to be happy?  Fucking weirdo.

Those DEE-troit Fuck LioUns went into SoCal, and YES – despite being…a less prominent franchise (in terms of national fanbases), they still had 70% of the Inglewood attendance.  Fucking hilarious.  And they got entertained and then some – punctuated by a first half play that typifies the Dan Campbell experience.  4th and 5 from around the LAC 30, and they run off-tackle.  And MADE IT.  The bollocks to even TRY that!  Somehow, this kept going back and forth between a 7 and 14 point margin, then after the half between tied and a DET lead.  Give Kid Clearisil credit, he almost willed his bunch to the win.  But…he didn’t have the ball last, and Campbell pulled yet another 4th down rabbit.  It was absolutely the right thing to do – sure, he COULD have gone ahead with a long FG.  But the Clips would have had 2 timeouts and maybe 100 seconds to work with.  It’s not the correct odds play, for THIS particular afternoon.  Plus if you miss from 47?  You’re as good as ded.  Baby Buster completed the 4th and 2 pass to his badass rookie TE, then properly bled the clock dry for the winner.  41-38, a victory well-earned.  Maybe Brandon Staley will get fired now, that would be mildly amusing.  Perhaps they’ll bring in Lesser Harbs?

Commies at SeaTruthers was also better than one could have reasonably expected.  We had a Perfect Herman Cain at the half, before the offenses woke up late.  Seattle allowed not one, but TWO typing Rebecca Malone tying scores in Q4 – much to Hippo’s fantasy (and real life, because of the U*NC aspect) chagrin.  But again, having the ball in hand (PHRASING) last would be decisive, as Geno shook off some bad early performance and got into position for the winning FG from 42.  ‘Truthers take it by a 29-26 margin.

Leaving only…MANDATORY SNF.  Featuring AOC and MILF-Hunter Z as your QBs.  You expected FGs, and you got FIVE of them in the first half alone.  Jest 9, Raiders 6 at the break.  Breece Hall had a TD wiped off by BLEERGH, and Hippo said many curse words.  Too loudly for the Sunday night social contract, no less.  My brain was tired, my eyes drying out rapidly.  BUT PERSEVERE, because RULES-BASED ORDER.  And…Q4 wasn’t really that bad?  Vegas scored a TD to break the Herman Cain up, the Jest kicked their 4th FG, but recovered a fumble for one last drive.  And it was a pretty promising drive, until it breached the red zone.  MILF-Hunter found a Raider in coverage instead.  That lone Raiders turnover killed things off, for a 16-12 Vegas win.

OK, fine.  There was a last huzzah of DERP, 53 seconds but NYJ did get into Hail Mary range.  AND JEEBUS, it had a chance (because the Raiders front 4 can’t tackle for shit).  But no, 16-12 it stays.

BIG.  EXHALE.  We did it!!!