Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
-W.B. Yeats, The Second Coming
So that sucked. Ken Dorsey gets executed, and I would very much like to explore a trade with the Giants to get Daboll back. Joe Fucking Brady gets another shot at offensive coordinator after putting the Panthers into the turf under Matt Rhule. War crimes are answering war crimes; there is a non-trivial chance we will intentionally elect a felon president and have to seriously discuss whether he can pardon himself; Creed and Nickelback are somehow culturally relevant again.
I’m sorry this is a downer post. And not even a “fun downer” post, like watching Fozz’s brain melt in real time while watching Emily in Paris. One of the adopted-mother-figures I’ve collected over the years caught COVID while undergoing chemo. I had intellectually made peace with the likelihood of her passing soon, but I didn’t think it would involve a ventilator.
Like most of my generation, I was raised in part by television. I also tend to be a raw nerve who looks to distractions when feeling vulnerable. SO- this week’s list will be Best Things To Watch To Dull Existential Pain.
1. The Muppet Movie
2. A Knight’s Tale
3. Night Court (Season 3 and after)
4. Scrubs (non-preachy episodes)
5. Return of the Jedi
6. Robin Hood (Disney animated version)
7. Monster truck rally
8. Death at a Funeral (British version)
9. Event Horizon
10. Hunt for Red October
11. Firefly (Episodes 1-7 only)
NOTE: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH
-Jurassic Bark
-Brendan Fraser episodes of Scrubs
-Transformers: The Movie (1986)
-Any other Transformers movie (because they suck)
-Serenity
Anyone else stay up late enough to watch MY Anteaters win at #16 USC?
Because we just beat the evilest team this side of Duke.
So have a pleasant evening. I’ll just be sitting here with a raging semi.
Raging Semi?
/MTG just came on her latest issue of Stromfront
https://www.theonion.com/my-teddy-bear-collection-is-fucking-great-1819583328
This one’s for Fozz
https://www.theonion.com/vanquished-foes-skull-makes-surprisingly-bad-wine-goble-1819566338
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kissing_Suzy_Kolber
Scroll to the bottom.
I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but whichever one of you magnificent, beautiful bastards did this deserves a Nobel Prize.
Hold up, how do they know who we are? Are they watching us? Are they watching us right now??
Alas poor Falco, we did not know him well.
Well damn. KSK started in June 2006, that means I’ve been using TPS since then.
They lasted 9 years. 2024 will be our ninth year.
Isn’t that crazy?
Speaking of which, I got this email from Budweiser the other day about a potential sponsorship…
You’d be surprised the emails we actually get …
Shoulda hopped on the My Pillow iron while it was hot! Now it’s too late.
Damn, that IS crazy.
We been playin possum with the interweb fer years…
That might have been The Mighty Fekhlar. I remember him talking about doing that at one point.
That Klingon sumbitch.
Don’t look at me. I was only a newbie when the KSK Exodus occurred and I was lucky enough for someone to be lurking KSK to point me in the right direction. Which is weird, because this is the first time the party was actually at the place the cool kids told me it was at.
I’m STILL in the greys across all of those blogs because of the KSK Exodus.
They killed a really good thing
The next step is getting our own Wikipedia article!
Eh, sounds like work.
No need to be so blue Buddy. Look at the nice things around the world.
Sincerely
This was the very first Onion article I ever read.
Why am I reading this entire thing with his voice and cadence in my head?
How in the hell is Trey Hendrickson standing, let alone practicing?! Did no one properly explain the concept of “pain” and “ligament” to him?
Watch: Trey Hendrickson Goes Through Individual Drills at Cincinnati Bengals Practice – Sports Illustrated Cincinnati Bengals News, Analysis and More
The Onion books are my go-to for the “Life is shit why eve try”s. Especially the Atlas and the Dumb Century books, which have so many jokes that certainly I’ve mislsed several because each page has a lot. I mean,
I love them so much.
Winter Storm Warning criteria for US revamped by National Weather Service (yahoo.com)
I can tell the Winter Storm Warning wasn’t figured out by someone from the Cincinnati area. Four inches? Why are they lumping us up with Kentucky but rest of Ohio gets 6″?
(insert “That What She Said” gif or wistful Deanna Favre joke here)
Cincinnati Localized Winter Storm Warning Criteria:
First Snowfall of the Season: >0.00001″: Panic! The world is ending! Get all the water, bread and salt you can find! Don’t bother taking your wallet to buy them! Money no longer matters in the End Times! Anyone who hasn’t known the touch of another, find one now or die a virgin! Gender and sexual orientation doesn’t matter. Your God(s) will understand!
All Subsequent Snowfalls of the Season: >6″: Don’t be a wuss. Just drive slower than normal and show up to work.
About to watch the season finale of ‘Welcome to Wrexham’
Man, I sure hope they get promoted!
“Unlikely.”
-Tommy T.
I’m currently trolling the Baltimore subreddit. It’s like taking a shit in a field full of daffodils.
Cincinnati’s is equal parts “Time to March for Glory!” and
tenor.gif (498×283)
Daffodils? Has the average Baltimore resident ever actually seen a flower? Do they even know what they are?
I would say watch the animated show Final Space, but since fucking David “I’m a bigger stupider Herb2.0” Zaslav fucking erased it from the internet, you can only watch it on Netflix outside of the US.
I acquired them in 720p, if anyone would like to watch all 3 seasons.
Chookity-pok
Bills cream the Jest (new OC bump / group scare), then beat the Iggles with Diggs going atomic. Then barely get past KC and the Bills are back baybeh!
In fact, I’ll put a grand on it. Argentinian pesos, to be clear.
I had work calls until 9 and The Heiress had a tough day at work. So after we had some scotch + coconut waters and watched Lisa the Greek and Bart the Lover.
Just give me the usual, Moe. A beer AND A WAD OF BILLS 🤣🤣
Daddy-daughter day is very special!
What about animated films? I’m sure they’re all great to dull existential pain, like Grave of the Fireflies!
/Disclaimer: The above is a complete lie. Don’t watch Grave of the Fireflies.
Is it like Fritz The Cat?
I’m watching Dancing With the Stars with the missus. I got to see Peter Brady dancing shirtless.
Is there anything better than seeing a shirtless Brady having fun?
Shoving a shark tooth into my urethra?
*Greg, you heathen
You should be ashamed.
Sidney Crosby is still pretty darn güd at hawkey.
I approve the inclusion of Event Horizon. Let’s get it over with, and quickly.
Sorry you’re having a rough time. Hang in there and/or find a different team.
I kind of like to read Russian literature for existentialist pain, I end up feeling well balanced in comparison
I have made multiple efforts to read Russian literature. I get rolling and then I get sleepy.
Yep, it’s a good sleep aid too!
Big fan of the old school Buffalo Sabre unis.
This had to be in 1992 or 1993. I was living in Hartford, the Sabres were in town for an afternoon game in Hartford. I was a little more than a mile from the Civic Center, (you play in a shopping mall, doo dah, doo dah!!), and there was a blizzard that day. My friend Tom and I hoofed it to the mall, bought the cheapest tickets we could get, and sat up front with about 700 other lunatics. It was a blast.
Was that the game where a couple of the officials couldn’t make it, and each team had to supply a player to act as linesman?
I don’t remember that, but we also weren’t there for the start of the game. It wouldn’t surprise me.
Regrettably, it does not appear that UConn will cover the 46.5 point spread.
Donny Marshall explaining to me that one of UConn player’s nickname of ‘Unc’ and its short for uncle and it’s because he’s older than the other players.
TV shows to binge to dull existentialist pain
Shoresy
Letterkenny
What We Do In The Shadows
Archer (first 6 seasons)
Cheers
TV Shows to avoid if looking to dull existentialist pain
Breaking Bad
Better Call Saul
You’re The Worst
(but you should watch all of those shows anyway, because they’re excellent
TV shows to avoid period
Sons of Anarchy
Don’t forget Ted Lasso on the ‘Good’ side.
I was not a huge fan of S3.
The first two seasons would certainly qualify.
I’ve heard that. My wife and I are watching S2 right now.
Shadows is amazing. Everyone’s great, but Nandor straight kills me.
More movies to dull existentialist pain:
The Friday movie series
The Vacation movies
Fletch
Any Andy Sidaris movie
Road Trip
Eurotrip
Definitely avoid:
The Cook The Thief The Wife and Her Lover
The Red White Blue trilogy
The Before series of movies (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset)
EuroTrip is VASTLY UNDERRATED
More movies to dull existentialist pain:
The Kentucky Fried Movie
Airplane!
Police Squad! (TV series)
Raising Arizona
Up In Smoke
Black Dynamite
Dolemite
Definitely avoid:
Deliverance
Midnight Cowboy
Anything written or directed by Paul Shrader
Directed by the same guy who did Lord of the Rings and King Kong.
SillyCuse is down 16 to Colgate. Four out of five dentists are drinking their finest single malts.
Mrs. Fozz is making meatballs. She is baking them. I reminded her that my grandmother fried them, and that is the ONLY way to make meatballs. “So go call your grandmother and tell her to fry your meatballs.”
I insinuated that because she is only half Italian that she doesn’t really know how to cook Italian food.
I was promptly kicked out of the kitchen, followed by the word “asshole.”
Man, I thought binging ‘Emily in Paris’ was insane.
MRS. FOZZ: I swear to God I am going to sear those balls with some hot oil if you don’t back the fuck off.
JJ FOZZ: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, see what my grandmother would do is…[begins howling in pain]
In all honesty, the first few months we were married, we had a massive fight about this. It devolved into name calling, slandering each other’s family, and ugliness.
So an Italian family Xmas?
(dated an Eyetie in college)
Our fights about how we were spending the holiday are also legendary. Woman threw a full water bottle at me.
The English bake their meatballs
https://www.thespruceeats.com/classic-british-faggots-recipe-435283
They’re English, they don’t know a goddamn thing about food. Every one of their meals tastes like tar, sweat, and crushed out cigarettes.
I have officially absorbed my boss’s obsession with PowerPoint design. Could someone come over and punch me in the balls?
We’re saving that for after his three-hour presentation about Emily In Paris that will consume your entire Friday afternoon. Attendance is mandatory.
Oh nothing, just here to dull your existential pain.