….. Tuesday Open Thread

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

-W.B. Yeats, The Second Coming

So that sucked. Ken Dorsey gets executed, and I would very much like to explore a trade with the Giants to get Daboll back. Joe Fucking Brady gets another shot at offensive coordinator after putting the Panthers into the turf under Matt Rhule. War crimes are answering war crimes; there is a non-trivial chance we will intentionally elect a felon president and have to seriously discuss whether he can pardon himself; Creed and Nickelback are somehow culturally relevant again.

I’m sorry this is a downer post. And not even a “fun downer” post, like watching Fozz’s brain melt in real time while watching Emily in Paris. One of the adopted-mother-figures I’ve collected over the years caught COVID while undergoing chemo. I had intellectually made peace with the likelihood of her passing soon, but I didn’t think it would involve a ventilator.

Like most of my generation, I was raised in  part by television. I also tend to be a raw nerve who looks to distractions when feeling vulnerable. SO- this week’s list will be Best Things To Watch To Dull Existential Pain.

1. The Muppet Movie

2. A Knight’s Tale

3. Night Court (Season 3 and after)

4. Scrubs (non-preachy episodes)

5. Return of the Jedi

6. Robin Hood (Disney animated version)

7. Monster truck rally

8. Death at a Funeral (British version)

9. Event Horizon

10. Hunt for Red October

11. Firefly (Episodes 1-7 only)

NOTE: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH

-Jurassic Bark

-Brendan Fraser episodes of Scrubs

-Transformers: The Movie (1986)

-Any other Transformers movie (because they suck)

-Serenity

 

5 5 votes
Article Rating
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
Subscribe
Notify of
91 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
SonOfSpam

Anyone else stay up late enough to watch MY Anteaters win at #16 USC?

Because we just beat the evilest team this side of Duke.

So have a pleasant evening. I’ll just be sitting here with a raging semi.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Raging Semi?

comment image

Brick Meathook

comment image

WCS

/MTG just came on her latest issue of Stromfront

Don T

comment image

Brick Meathook

comment image

Don T

comment image

Brick Meathook

comment image

WCS

comment image

Don T

This one’s for Fozz
comment image

Don T

comment image

WCS

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kissing_Suzy_Kolber

Scroll to the bottom.
I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but whichever one of you magnificent, beautiful bastards did this deserves a Nobel Prize.

herodotus450

Hold up, how do they know who we are? Are they watching us? Are they watching us right now??

ThePirateSloth

Alas poor Falco, we did not know him well.

ThePirateSloth

Well damn. KSK started in June 2006, that means I’ve been using TPS since then.

ballsofsteelandfury

They lasted 9 years. 2024 will be our ninth year.

Isn’t that crazy?

herodotus450

Speaking of which, I got this email from Budweiser the other day about a potential sponsorship…

ballsofsteelandfury

You’d be surprised the emails we actually get …

herodotus450

Shoulda hopped on the My Pillow iron while it was hot! Now it’s too late.

ThePirateSloth

Damn, that IS crazy.

2Pack

We been playin possum with the interweb fer years…

flat,750x1000,075,f.jpg
Horatio Cornblower

That might have been The Mighty Fekhlar. I remember him talking about doing that at one point.

WCS

That Klingon sumbitch.

Redshirt

Don’t look at me. I was only a newbie when the KSK Exodus occurred and I was lucky enough for someone to be lurking KSK to point me in the right direction. Which is weird, because this is the first time the party was actually at the place the cool kids told me it was at.

ThePirateSloth

I’m STILL in the greys across all of those blogs because of the KSK Exodus.

2Pack

They killed a really good thing

Senor Weaselo

The next step is getting our own Wikipedia article!

Eh, sounds like work.

2Pack

No need to be so blue Buddy. Look at the nice things around the world.

FB_IMG_1699988135106.jpg
2Pack

Sincerely

1fa55eaec8976d97486cb10a6711159c.jpg
Don T

comment image

Brick Meathook

This was the very first Onion article I ever read.

ThePirateSloth

Why am I reading this entire thing with his voice and cadence in my head?

comment image

Redshirt

How in the hell is Trey Hendrickson standing, let alone practicing?! Did no one properly explain the concept of “pain” and “ligament” to him?

Watch: Trey Hendrickson Goes Through Individual Drills at Cincinnati Bengals Practice – Sports Illustrated Cincinnati Bengals News, Analysis and More

Don T

The Onion books are my go-to for the “Life is shit why eve try”s. Especially the Atlas and the Dumb Century books, which have so many jokes that certainly I’ve mislsed several because each page has a lot. I mean,
comment image

Gumbygirl

I love them so much.

Redshirt

Winter Storm Warning criteria for US revamped by National Weather Service (yahoo.com)

I can tell the Winter Storm Warning wasn’t figured out by someone from the Cincinnati area. Four inches? Why are they lumping us up with Kentucky but rest of Ohio gets 6″?

(insert “That What She Said” gif or wistful Deanna Favre joke here)

Cincinnati Localized Winter Storm Warning Criteria:

First Snowfall of the Season: >0.00001″: Panic! The world is ending! Get all the water, bread and salt you can find! Don’t bother taking your wallet to buy them! Money no longer matters in the End Times! Anyone who hasn’t known the touch of another, find one now or die a virgin! Gender and sexual orientation doesn’t matter. Your God(s) will understand!

All Subsequent Snowfalls of the Season: >6″: Don’t be a wuss. Just drive slower than normal and show up to work.

Horatio Cornblower

About to watch the season finale of ‘Welcome to Wrexham’

Man, I sure hope they get promoted!

herodotus450

“Unlikely.”
-Tommy T.

jjfozz

I’m currently trolling the Baltimore subreddit. It’s like taking a shit in a field full of daffodils.

Redshirt

Cincinnati’s is equal parts “Time to March for Glory!” and

tenor.gif (498×283)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Daffodils? Has the average Baltimore resident ever actually seen a flower? Do they even know what they are?

ThePirateSloth

I would say watch the animated show Final Space, but since fucking David “I’m a bigger stupider Herb2.0” Zaslav fucking erased it from the internet, you can only watch it on Netflix outside of the US.

I acquired them in 720p, if anyone would like to watch all 3 seasons.

tumblr_p6ffy8Vnku1xnmnpno3_r1_250.gif
Game Time Decision

Chookity-pok

Don T

Bills cream the Jest (new OC bump / group scare), then beat the Iggles with Diggs going atomic. Then barely get past KC and the Bills are back baybeh!
In fact, I’ll put a grand on it. Argentinian pesos, to be clear.

Don T

I had work calls until 9 and The Heiress had a tough day at work. So after we had some scotch + coconut waters and watched Lisa the Greek and Bart the Lover.

Just give me the usual, Moe. A beer AND A WAD OF BILLS 🤣🤣

SonOfSpam

Daddy-daughter day is very special!

WCS

comment image

Senor Weaselo

What about animated films? I’m sure they’re all great to dull existential pain, like Grave of the Fireflies!

/Disclaimer: The above is a complete lie. Don’t watch Grave of the Fireflies.

SonOfSpam

Is it like Fritz The Cat?

BugEyedBoo

I’m watching Dancing With the Stars with the missus. I got to see Peter Brady dancing shirtless.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there anything better than seeing a shirtless Brady having fun?

comment image

SonOfSpam

Shoving a shark tooth into my urethra?

SonOfSpam

*Greg, you heathen

jjfozz

You should be ashamed.

WCS

Sidney Crosby is still pretty darn güd at hawkey.

SonOfSpam

I approve the inclusion of Event Horizon. Let’s get it over with, and quickly.

Sorry you’re having a rough time. Hang in there and/or find a different team.

Doktor Zymm

I kind of like to read Russian literature for existentialist pain, I end up feeling well balanced in comparison

jjfozz

I have made multiple efforts to read Russian literature. I get rolling and then I get sleepy.

Doktor Zymm

Yep, it’s a good sleep aid too!

Horatio Cornblower

Big fan of the old school Buffalo Sabre unis.

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

This had to be in 1992 or 1993. I was living in Hartford, the Sabres were in town for an afternoon game in Hartford. I was a little more than a mile from the Civic Center, (you play in a shopping mall, doo dah, doo dah!!), and there was a blizzard that day. My friend Tom and I hoofed it to the mall, bought the cheapest tickets we could get, and sat up front with about 700 other lunatics. It was a blast.

Dunstan

Was that the game where a couple of the officials couldn’t make it, and each team had to supply a player to act as linesman?

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t remember that, but we also weren’t there for the start of the game. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Horatio Cornblower

Regrettably, it does not appear that UConn will cover the 46.5 point spread.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Donny Marshall explaining to me that one of UConn player’s nickname of ‘Unc’ and its short for uncle and it’s because he’s older than the other players.

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

TV shows to binge to dull existentialist pain

Shoresy

Letterkenny

What We Do In The Shadows

Archer (first 6 seasons)

Cheers

TV Shows to avoid if looking to dull existentialist pain

Breaking Bad

Better Call Saul

You’re The Worst

(but you should watch all of those shows anyway, because they’re excellent

TV shows to avoid period

Sons of Anarchy

BugEyedBoo

Don’t forget Ted Lasso on the ‘Good’ side.

Horatio Cornblower

I was not a huge fan of S3.

The first two seasons would certainly qualify.

BugEyedBoo

I’ve heard that. My wife and I are watching S2 right now.

Don T

Shadows is amazing. Everyone’s great, but Nandor straight kills me.

ballsofsteelandfury

More movies to dull existentialist pain:

The Friday movie series

The Vacation movies

Fletch

Any Andy Sidaris movie

Road Trip

Eurotrip

Definitely avoid:

The Cook The Thief The Wife and Her Lover

The Red White Blue trilogy

The Before series of movies (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset)

WCS

comment image

Brick Meathook

More movies to dull existentialist pain:

The Kentucky Fried Movie

Airplane!

Police Squad! (TV series)

Raising Arizona

Up In Smoke

Black Dynamite

Dolemite

Definitely avoid:

Deliverance

Midnight Cowboy

Anything written or directed by Paul Shrader

WCS

comment image

Directed by the same guy who did Lord of the Rings and King Kong.

Brick Meathook

comment image

scotchnaut

SillyCuse is down 16 to Colgate. Four out of five dentists are drinking their finest single malts.

jjfozz

Mrs. Fozz is making meatballs. She is baking them. I reminded her that my grandmother fried them, and that is the ONLY way to make meatballs. “So go call your grandmother and tell her to fry your meatballs.”

I insinuated that because she is only half Italian that she doesn’t really know how to cook Italian food.

I was promptly kicked out of the kitchen, followed by the word “asshole.”

Horatio Cornblower

Man, I thought binging ‘Emily in Paris’ was insane.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

MRS. FOZZ: I swear to God I am going to sear those balls with some hot oil if you don’t back the fuck off.

JJ FOZZ: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, see what my grandmother would do is…[begins howling in pain]

jjfozz

In all honesty, the first few months we were married, we had a massive fight about this. It devolved into name calling, slandering each other’s family, and ugliness.

Horatio Cornblower

So an Italian family Xmas?

(dated an Eyetie in college)

jjfozz

Our fights about how we were spending the holiday are also legendary. Woman threw a full water bottle at me.

Doktor Zymm
jjfozz

They’re English, they don’t know a goddamn thing about food. Every one of their meals tastes like tar, sweat, and crushed out cigarettes.

jjfozz

I have officially absorbed my boss’s obsession with PowerPoint design. Could someone come over and punch me in the balls?

WCS

We’re saving that for after his three-hour presentation about Emily In Paris that will consume your entire Friday afternoon. Attendance is mandatory.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh nothing, just here to dull your existential pain.

comment image