I guess it makes sense to feature this during Thanksgiving:
Fuck, ain’t that just amazing work? Now, exit your nostalgic stupor, we’ve got FOOTBALL to watch.
City of Men take on the filthy Redshite, bright and early (7:30, Peacock). YMMV, but I can’t really bear to watch.
Robins Hood and Trashbirds get the 10:00 window TV coverage (USA). Fairly interesting matchup, I suppose. Knifey/Cherries and Bonesaws/Chelski (the Oligarch Derby?) are your primary streaming alternatives.
Depending on how the Early Bird Special goes, the Spotlight Dance (Prais Beesus hosting King’s Afrikan Water Pistols – 12:30, NBC) could have major ramifications at the top. I can’t quite decide how seriously to take the Gooners as title challenger. It’s certainly not out of the question, though. Bees have found a little form, and could make the Clubhouse favoUrites sweat, at least.
Proper good Sunday Funday doubleheader, with Spurs Villa (9:00, USA) followed by angry Goodison Park Everton hosting Men Untied (11:30, USA). TASTY. as the Brits would say. A spicy meatball, in the Bosa family. Either way, worth your time.
Mighty Whitey host Monday Night Footy, against the sentient wet fart that is Wolves (3:00, USA). I mean, it’s sommet to do the Monday after a holiday. Lord knows we all need THAT.
tOhio State (+3) at Michigan (Noon, Fox)
Imagine a timeline so dark, that the ENTIRE CLUBHOUSE (including us non-affiliateds) will be rooting hard for the Tree Nutz, to finish undefeated yet again. And gum up the playoffs yet again. But man, do these Michigan Men ever need a kick in the shins, seat of the pants, bollocks, AND teeth. Whatever order you prefer, just keep kicking these assdicks.
Texas A&M (+11.5) at LSU (Noon, ESPN)
No real stakes here except pride, though Bonfire Cult surely would like an excuse to point and laugh at Jimbo. Who points and laughs back, counting his immense pile of moneys. LSU has an insane offense, and no defense whatsoever. So, should make for a decent watch.
Alabama (-14.5) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)
One last CBS Iron Bowl. This being at Jordan-Hare, one can’t rule out suspense entirely. Though probably mostly can, after the waste New Mexico State laid to War Damn Eagle last Damn weekend. Listen, PAAAAWWWWLLLLL, that’s the Bama hype train revving up!
Arizona (-10.5) at Arizona State (3:30, ESPN)
Not expecting much out of this (lame-assed named) Territorial Bowl, but the Fighting Blax deserve some recognition. A mighty fine turn around in the desert, as opposed to Sparky’s continuing spin cycle of futility.
Original Recipe Big Love (+17) at BDSM State (3:30, ABC)
It’s “win and you’re in” (Big 12 title game) for the ‘Pokes, who will look to avoid stubbing their toe against the Stormin’ Mormons. An inconsistent lot, but they game Okiehoma a tussle last weekend (albeit in Provo).
Washington State (+16.5) at Washington (4:00, Fox)
Does anybody play down to heavy favoUrite status quite like The Penix Show? Apple Cup gamblers are about to find out. I always think there is value in lopsided rivalry games, especially when the underdog needs a win to bowl qualify. That said, “Coug’d it” is a saying for a reason.
Fat Guy From Michigan Gets Motorized Ride, Echoing His Near Future.
I was very amused at the subtext of Gus Johnson’s call “he got rolled up on, so we’re not going to show [the horrifying consequences of this violent and dangerous sport] to you…”
I figure this is why Twitter exists? If not there, would that make a good TRUTH account? I turned on the TV when everyone was standing around like a bunch of fucking women waiting for the dinner to serve itself so don’t know if it was on the broadcast of the play.
I’d banner it.
Is it just me, or have there been more ambulances on the field than usual this year?
“It’s called the Damar Hamlin Effect, look it up.”
-Neil deGrasse Tyson, trying desperately to stay relevant
So a friend of mine (who is a legitimate cellist) is doing a Master’s in conducting at UMich (which was at one time on Senor’s undergrad list, and I have no idea why I didn’t go for it on my Great Lakes swing when I checked out Carnegie Mellon and Oberlin and CIM) and is at the game.
He forgot that they don’t serve alcohol, because, you know, college.
Update: The only schools that don’t serve beer are Michigan State, Nebraska, and Michigan. Sucks to be him.
Havertz!!
Gotta feel good for that poor bastard!
Anyone predict Kai Pond at the death? FUCKING LIAR
“I don’t believe that women have any use for lubrication.” — Ben Shapiro
I think broads is such a funny term. I have no idea how anyone can take that term seriously in any capacity.
That’s one of those terms that you can’t figure out how it got started. What does it even refer to? Who knows? But it is funny, in a Rat Pack kind of way.
Arsenal slowly realizing that shooting the ball towards the net can result in good things like corners.
I like how y’all take corners, too
(30 for 30 muzak plays)
What if I told you UConn tried to have a CUM Bowl, but the other party just kind of lied there?
I checked out at 19-0.
Much happier watching Arsenal stagger through the 2nd half against Brentford, seemingly with no interest in taking over first place.
It’s called “starfishing”.
@Redshirt with regards to your suggestion below, I wish we’d alerted the band director to his many, many options:
https://doorfliesopen.com/2016/06/03/request-line-spycraft/
Alcoholic Ice Tea Beverage Update:
Apparently wifey’s friend left behind an Arizona Lemonade can, which I’ll be drinking. And the son has parked two Nestea alcoholic iced teas in the second fridge. That’s four different types of boozy iced teas that I’ll be drinking today. Life is varied and wonderful.
You always been an iced tea person? Ice tea people just into that stuff from a young age? Grow up drinking that claymation Brisk stuff?
Your winner of today’s Killington’s “Go down the hill real fast on these slippery pieces of wood” thing is Switzerland’s Laura Gut-Behrami
Downhill skiing seems to lend itself to attractive types. A real ‘Daddy’s rich and Momma’s good-looking’ thing I suspect.
Oh man would I like to be up to my [redacted] in her [redacted]-Behramis.
Perhaps with her winnings she could purchase some socks that don’t have holes in them?
“YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!!”
That fat fuck.
/Italian skier makes a slight mistake
Announcers: Oh, that’s a huge mistake. That’ll cost her. Surely that trollop will regret that decision to end of her days!
/Italian skier takes over first place
/Shiffrin loses time over a couple of gates
Announcers: Just sheer genius the way she let up on her speed to set her up for the bottom gates. Truly she is a magical creature who can do no wrong!
Shiffrin was in first with 3 skiers to go. Next one wiped out, the one after her went down the route with the announcers criticizing everything she was doing and is now in first place by more than .8 of. a second, which is insane in speed sports.
“Yeah yeah eight or eighty or point eight just gimmie the needle [hic].”
-Dr David Chao, Professional Dope
Uh, maybe Harrison is worthy of all the hype? Watta catch!
Announcers just said one of the US women does well but has trouble when the hill gets steep.
That would seem to be a big deal in downhill skiing.
Yay! We got the ball!
Why do I suddenly hear Canadian new wave and synth-pop music?
Women’s downhill ski racing from Killington, VT, on NBC.
Mikaela Shiffrin is probably last to go. Will she be dressed like this?
The Magic 8-Ball says “signs point to no”
I mean what she’ll be wearing will actually be even tighter. Though if she ends up showing more skin it means something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Snow/ice rash is probably something I could do without.
Yeah, anybody who has ever taken a slushball to the face can tell you as much.
Because kids are stupid and dumb and idiots and horrible we would put rocks, broken glass, wood chips into slushballs and aim for each other’s faces.
Children are our future, unless we stop them.
Adding these slices of overripe guava to the tupperware containing pineapple is the best decision I’ve made this month. The guava flavor has suffused into everything and OH MY GOD it is so good.
I’m torn. I want Ohio State to win but I want Ryan Day fired.
Any suggestions?
Get him to look the other way when one of the assistant coaches commits domestic violence?
“Oh, we wouldn’t fire him for that.” – Ohio State administrators
you want Bonfire Cult to hire him away after he wins a natty
I would let everyone know the IU quarterback sucks, but well, you know the drill by now
Make up call for that TD
Right now, the amount of OSU fans ranting with their mouths full must number in the millions.
There’s multiple ways to interpret this comment
A lot of cocksucking going on. All them goats are happy to be on the receiving end, I guess.
Redshirt’s VERY excited for the start of hunting season after The Game.
I knew this was going to happen. I have more faith in Jake Browning than I do in Kyle McCord.
blah blah Game Manager blah blah
-Gus Johnson
“Trying to find their rhythm.”
You are half right.
Time to play “What is Catch?: JV Edition”.
Fucking love Trossard, that little Belgian elf.
VAR is an absolute embarrassment. Garbage.
ah, that classic Arsenal “zebra with jaundice” kit.
Truly an epileptic’s wet dream, those.
McCord is giving me Dalton PTSD Flashbacks.
He Red Rocketed?
He’s humping mediocrity?
fuck it, let’s watch the Gooners instead
“Sweet! I’m in!” – Eli Manning, mistaking what you said for the name of his favorite movie
I’m guessing that the upside of playing in a Michigan/OSU tilt is that, at the very least, you could always get a job selling used cars.
That’s assuming you don’t somehow Jets your side into a loss.
Touchdown! Fuck Ryan Day with a pogo stick
There it is.
Just to give you an idea as to how out of control things are at the Scotch household, I’m currently mixing Smirnoff Ice Peach Lemonade with Seth and Riley’s Garage Hard Lemonade. I’m totally winging it and I don’t care about the consequences!
Brick thinks that’s too hoity-toity of a cocktail
Attention everyone, a late substitute in your line up today. Playing the role of jj fozz drunk commenting will be scotchnaut
You hoist that banner son, and you CARRY it into battle. If it falls, you damn well better have your guts spread all over the field, and even then, you have failed.
That doesn’t sound very tasty, but it does sound fun.
Big Ten Action: Gus’ll Wake You When Something Happens!
No shit. I’m literally falling asleep here
Teenage Rikki’s conception a Big Ten:
oooh, Hippo needs to use el PLUS to get the CUM Bowl! Now I kind of have to watch it.
Reggie Wayne Jr. must be seething on a regular basis seeing how well his dad’s teammate’s son is doing.
If Ohio State’s band is there and if they have any balls, they’d play this song in place of “Fight the Team”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YvAYIJSSZY&pp=ygUnaSBnb3R0YSBmZWVsaW5nIHNvbWVib2R5J3Mgd2F0Y2hpbmcgbWUg
Go, go, go you mighty Cherries!
y’all sure popped today, Magnitude approves!
A couple of beauties in a row.
My hearts all a flutter.
Maybe I will watch Indy/Purdue (the Gravy Derby?), purely as an exercise in self-hatred. I actually own an IU sweatshirt, which I got off Amazon when they hired Arch Miller.
FUCK, that was a long time ago.
Gravy Boat. Like the one I forgot to take to my SIL’s and RUINED THANKSGIVING! Again. I have one specifically for the holiday, Pilgrim themed, with matching salt and pepper shakers. It will be a cold day in hell before I host the holiday again, so I ‘m pretty sure I promised to give them to her in 2019, when we moved to California. And there they sit, in a drawer in my china cabinet, unused and unloved yet again. Because I was high, because I was high, because I was high🎶
Don’t yew fret, Thanksgiving RUINED ITSELF with the poor quality of FITBAW
Meh her gravy is lumpy and does not deserve a special gravy boat
Gravy was good, mashed potatoes were beyond lumpy. They were CHONKY! Here’s Das Boot, no idea why it’s cattywhompus
/dying
Nottingham Forest spending so much time in the box without scoring they might as well be called ‘BYU’
Complete chaos breaking out in Nottingham right now. If only there were a sheriff to keep order.
This has been wild.
10 minutes of injury time!
What else can happen!?
Do they steal that time from the rich and give it to the poor?
I will be rooting for Michigan today, as every OSU alum in my hometown are fucking obnoxious retards.
That’s the type of fan I can’t stand. “We did it! We did it!” “You didn’t do a damn thing, now shut up!”
Doesn’t bother me unless they’re inconsistent.
“We’re gonna win! Oh, shit, THEY choked it away!”
Working 2 jobs will put me in an early grave. Too old for this shit, but the $$ is nice but I hurt.
How the fuck we doin boys?
STILL SHAKING OFF A LINGERING POST-THANKSGIVING HANGOVER, BUT OTHERWISE PRETTY GOOD.
[has to shout so you can hear me over the sound of vacuuming]
.
Can’t believe Hippo forgot the most important game of the day, the CUM Bowl
Incidentally, if you’re going to search for an image for ‘CUM Bowl’ you’re going to want to make sure to throw the word ‘football’ in there as well.
Just trust me on this.
I thought you were done telling us about the Eyes Wide Shut party…
was the password “orgy?”
‘Fidelio’
Probably should have given it away right there.
I have an 11 leg parlay today. Praise Gamblor!
Leg 0: Oscar Pistorius is back in jail by New Years
“He’s got me beat.” – Greg Olsen, who only plays 3 leg parlays
“I think you may have a problem.” — Pete Rose
Can’t wait to not watch any of these games.
UA gonna step on Sparky’s throat at home today.
Very ominous start to the day, it must be said.
SOME PEOPLE know what Tucson is good for….
https://ktar.com/story/5550433/derek-chauvin-stabbed-by-fellow-inmate-in-arizona-prison/
Was probably a black guy…..
you Blax r always up 2 trouble no ofence
Would be great if it was a white guy really into police reform/ending qualified immunity.
It would be better if it was a white supremacist who couldn’t stand him
It would be the best if it were the prison chaplain.
Napoli gets back after it tonight. Marika wants the boys to step up thier game.