Sexy Friday – 20231208

TGIF! With Tuberville lifting his blockade, I hope you have all enjoyed your military promotions this week.

Survival – Personal Edition

Those of you with kids know the drill. They’re pretty stupid. As Jason Statham so eloquently stated, there’s a reason:

Well let’s cover one of those.

Survival – Personal Edition – Too Long Aside

(Hold up for a second, why the two different spellings of judgment here? I’m no English major, and I don’t suffer from OCD, but WTF) Ok, I just looked it up and it still doesn’t make sense. In the US, there’s never an “e”. In the UK, the “e” is used for legal references, but otherwise omitted. None of that applies to this. At least experience is spelled correctly twice.

Survival – Personal Edition – Resumed

Right, so about those stupid kids. The issue we’re going to cover is those idiots putting stuff up their nose. Let’s start with paper, or tissue, or toilet paper.

Find any protruding paper from the nose. You’ll want to pinch this between your index finger and thumb, then pull gently and straight downward. If you pull too forcibly, you risk tearing the paper and then have to read the rest of these steps and do a whole bunch of other stuff. If the paper won’t move, or there were no protrusions, or you of course pulled too hard and ripped that paper off, then continue reading. Or just admit defeat and head to the local Urgent Care facility if you have good insurance and a robust savings account.
On to the tweezers. You must sterilize them first by wiping them down with hydrogen peroxide or isopropyl alcohol or your nail polish remover. The nail polish remover is only a mild sterilizer, so use only if the other two aren’t handy.
Now, tilt the snot nosed bastard’s head back so you can see clearly into their nostril and see the paper/tissue issue clearly. Make sure to use direct illumination to assist here. If someone else is around, have them hold that idiot’s head still.
Insert the sterilized tweezers into that brat’s nose. You want the tips as close to the edges of the nostril as possible so that they go around the wad of paper and don’t push it further in. Make sure you get the tips at least, but ideally more, than halfway past the wad of paper.
Once properly positioned, gently squeeze the tweezer’s tips together. Then gently pull the paper wad out. Oh, also, before this step make sure you have a clean towel, handkerchief, or tissue at hand to sop up any additional discharge that may follow the extraction process.
Once out, discard the wad, and clean your hands. Don’t slap the dumb child either. Not only could that cause an unnecessary nose bleed, and further clean up duties, you might also get an unpleasant visit from CPS.

Congrats, you’ve successfully extracted paper from a nose. You must be proud.

BUT, you protest while I am running dangerously close to posting this late. What if there’s not paper, but something solid in there? Like a marble, or rock, or a pea that was supposed to be part of their healthy dinner? Well, this is slightly disgusting to me, but fully hilarious so I must share. Make sure your partner or friend or whoever videos this procedure so you can go viral on TikTok.

Place your mouth over your moron child’s mouth. Know CPR? This first step is exactly the same.
Plug the unclogged nostril of your future failure’s nose with your finger. Leave the clogged nostril untouched.
Finally, blow a short, sharp burst of breath into your idiot progeny’s mouth. This will launch that solid object out of their nose. Make sure to highlight that object in post production of the video.

You are now a professional child nose clearer. I’m sure there’s some certificate you can claim or apply for. Congrats!