Many of you voiced whole-hearted- dare I say fervent?- support for my Modest Proposal regarding summary roadside executions of rubberneckers.

“What is next, wise Reverend? What further Grand Plans for Cultural Improvement can you offer?” I hear you say.

Well.

I realized today that the American justice system- indeed, all Western juridical traditions, save perhaps that of the hardy and enlightened Laplanders- is essentially broken. I mean, this is not a recent revelation, of course- I bet even Trent Green knows that the playing field is not even when parties step into the courtroom.

But I realized that our systems are broken in a very specific way. It cannot- willfully REFUSES- to take a holistic view of reality when evaluating socially-acceptable versus socially-condemned behavior. Sure, we nod in the direction of “intent” and pay lip service to “mitigating factors.” But sometimes a ‘crime’ is a public service if it serves the greater good

and it’s about time we acknowledge that.

By way of illustration: if I were to walk down the hall right now, turn into the office of the guy who has been playing “Wonderful Christmastime,” and various covers of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” on repeat for the last two days, and beat him to death with his stupid fucking Starbucks Christmas mug, I would got to JAIL.

Ain’t that a motherfuck?

What a wacky fucking way to run a society. I will have SAVED dozens of people from having their sanity scoured away by this clownfucker. All the negative energy that ripples out through the world from acts of aggression like this? Stopped at the source. By my estimate, killing this man now would prevent at least two car accidents, three divorces and one late night purchase of a timeshare.

And isn’t that worth it? Our current conceptions of “justifiable” homicide are so narrow, so blinkered. A defendant should be able to present evidence that on balance, the world is a better place without fucking Mike from Marketing, his Bluetooth speaker and his shitty fucking Playlist of Christmas Horror.

Then you get a medal.

NFL NEWS

-He’s Called “Tommy Cutlets” Not “Tommy Slice of Floppy Pizza”: Jersey golden boy Tommy DeVito had some of the shine taken off his image today, with news that he would not be making a scheduled appearance at Coniglio’s Old Fashioned pizzeria in Morristown. Originally, I assumed it was because the restaurant had neither “Authentic” nor “Original” in the name. However, it turns out that it was because DeVito’s agent Sean Stellato doubled his appearance fee after the Giants beat the Packers on Monday Night Football, and the pizzeria wouldn’t pay.

Listen, I’m not anyone’s idea of a fashion plate. My two modes are “utterly conventional middle-aged white worker” and complete comfy-clothes-over-looks. But when you put on that turtleneck, you make a choice. And when you put on that Gangster-Wannabe black pinstripe suit and hat, you make another choice.

But then, if you look closely, you see that he’s actually wearing a pinstripe vest under there too. And that is a choice you cannot make.

ANYWAY- Mr. Al Capone Cosplay denied nothing, merely stating that he didn’t change the deal because there had been no signed contract for the original amount.

Listen: I get it. Your boy has a shelf-life measured in quarters, not years. You feel like you have to get the money while the money is there.

But Tommy Cutlets isn’t for-now-famous because he’s lighting the football world on fire. His appeal depends on being The Underdog and appealing to people’s emotions. And when people have (apparently) bought tickets to get an autograph signed at a pizza joint and you don’t show up because of a contract dispute…well, that’s going to appeal to a different set of emotions. At least Mike Florio is angry, so that’s something.

UPDATE: Apparently the Rage of North Jersey has triumphed. DeVito made his appearance as scheduled, albeit for free. So in trying to squeeze a restaurant for an extra $10k, DeVito’s agent ended up costing him the $10k he would have gotten originally. Quality representation.

-Aaron Rodgers: Not walking through that door. Rodgers gave up his grandstanding charade of trying to come back from Achilles surgery within 3 months, immediately after the Jets were eliminated from playoff contention. Fuck that dude.

-Clots Drama: The Indianapolis Colts announced that wide receiver Isaiah McKenzie and shitty depth player Tony Brown are suspended for the rest of the regular season due to undisclosed “conduct detrimental to the team.” This is a significant loss for the technically-playoff-positioned Colts, as McKenzie is their primary punt and kick returner. One wonders what could be so detrimental that Jim Irsay would sign off on this move.