It’s been a delightful day in the Scotchverse-youngest went out to kill more partridges, wife had a good mid-day snooze and I saw Sillycuse get to double digit wins in December for the first time in quite a while. More alarming is the fact that there are two open areas of water on our lake at this time of year. This is insane but my brain should have connected the dots given the fact I went for a swim on the last day of September.
To The Game!
Lions/Cowboys:
-Coach and potential jaw cancer victim Dan Campbell (he loves the chaw) gets all the credit for turning this moribund franchise completely around in three years. The scarred kneecaps? Medial collateral ligament damage.
-You’d think it would be Dallas (#5) but it’s actually Detroit (#3) that has the better overall offense. (total yards gained)
-Beware relatively new Lions safety [squints at bio] Ifeatu Melifonwu. Against the Vikes in just his third start he had a pick, two sacks, five tackles and two pass breakups.
-CeeDee only needs three catches to knock Mikey Irvin off the leaderboard for most catches in a season. Irvin still holds the record for most lines of coke snorted off the thigh of a comatose hooker in a one star motel. (not gonna lie, that’s an awfully specific stat)
-The Plugger and The Darter: Montgomery and Gibbs sound like a pair of Confederate generals that scurried back to their plantations as soon as things went south. (HA!) But they’re actually the one-two punch responsible for the third-best rushing attack in the league. Given that Dallas gave up 266 yards on the ground a few weeks ago to Buffalo, well, this is the path to victory.
-Detroit lost 24-6 to the Cowboys last year-since then they’ve gone 19-7.
-Even if Dallas extends its home winning streak they still need Philly to lose to the Giants next week. Good luck with that.
See you in the comments.
trickiness!
Troy Aikman having one of those days…
“That’s an amazing change of events right there on the field.”
“The circle has closed at half-time.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lH-yw5vffg
Imagine what the inside of that tent would look like
LOL THE DUMBEST RULE IN SPORTS, BUT FUCK THE COWBOYS
Found a funny:
There should be more daytime concerts. What do you mean “Doors at 9.” What about my bedtime?
The Doors would be at 6…feet under. Just sayin.
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS COMMENT I CALL IT THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY BECAUSE ROCKINGDOG FOUND HIS WAY HOME!!!
Brandin Cooks: /catches short pass and is immediately planted into the ground
Troy Airman: “Boy, Brandin Cooks can really run!”
I’ll say it again. The Courtyard commercial implies it’s a great place to stay when going to a football game . . . so why are all the shots of people sitting in the lobby watching a football game?
It appears that the Christians are doing better than the Lions in this modern Coliseum.
Hoping this photo doesn’t break any nudity rules on DFO
Reminds me of when I would walk past the spare bedroom on to see my rottie lying on her back with their legs in the air,
And giving me the nonchalant look while upside down
Joe Buck: “Let’s bring in our rules analyst, Amedeo Modigliani, and get his thoughts on the call.”
Modigliani: “Eh, I’ve seen worse.”
“Marika!”
-2Pac
Dan Campbell would be a jaw cancer enjoyer, how dare you
Fucking McCarthy. 3rd and 13 and calls a bubble screen. Either actually go for it and just punt. Jackass.
The Cowboys Owner’s Box, you will never find a greater hive of scum and villainy.
Hey you be nice to Gene
Was that Bradshaw? For a moment I thought it was “HI I’M MARK DAVIS AND MY TONIGHT GIRLFRIEND GOT ME THIS HAT SO WE CAN PLAY COWBOYS AND INDIANS LATER!”
Other things you can’t find in that Owner’s Box? People that can spell ‘scum’ and villainy’.
How hard is the BCS selection committee partying tonight?
Like Irsay on an average Tuesday night.
Oh, a St. Jude children’s research kids with cancer commercial, I’ll be back after I hug my children.
The woman in Cars.com commercial is gardening, and then there’s a close up of her holding a cell phone, BUT HER GODDAMN GARDEN GLOVES ARE CLEAN!
Art is dead.
You’d be a welcome addition to the Thursday Murder Club, Fozz.
I’m listening . . .
the lions the last couple of minutes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ccUDrB_8jQ
and again, and again, and again
“He’s one of them tight ends from Tight End University!”
-Aikman, just now, talking about LaPorta
HOW DO YOU MISS THAT HOLD? FUCK DALLAS ALL TO HELL
forget that, that was an automatic safety, what was 55 doing
Honestly think that with all the rule changes about hitting the QBs that defensive players tend to hesitate at the last second.
I promise you there will be +/- 8 missed hold calls on Parsons before this is done.
That said, yep, Dallas got away with one there.
that ball was pointed towards saturn
floated so high phillip rivers had another child
Broken plays are the best plays.
Michael Irvin got the very first Cock Ring of Honor, correct?
(scotchy was then mysteriously stabbed with scissors, with traces of cocaine in the wound)
Also the Rock Ring of Honor
I think Charles Haley was first. Just ask him he’ll show you.
what the holly hell was that
That was the God of the Moon and Earth telling Amon-Ra to go pound sand.
i was talking about that “skit” between the mascot and troy
Mercifully I missed that.
Wait for the follow up, where they’re both headed to the showers…
The Ghost of Detroit Past?
The Book of Clarence, guarantee to kill Christians left and right
Block Micah Parsons? Why?
I don’t think it’s fair that Dallas has to play a team that employs the God of Sun and Air.
“[rolls eyes] Here come the excuses.”
-Epimetheus
Door Flies Open: Come for the comments, stay for the Google searches.
oh come on, I know all about he was (checks Wikipedia tab) the son of Iapetus.
My search tab is still open, believe that.
And nothing in particular
“Beware the Melifonwu”, I said.
Settle down, Joyce.
Ooh, was that a Thursday Murder Club reference?
[no it was not]
dak in january form two days early
The Cowboys have been doing Dry January for YEARS
Someone banner this.
If I was a fan of the Cowboys, I would never want this on the banner for the next four weeks.
I’m much more a fan of funny than I am the Cowboys, and that was fucking funny.
I figured you were a fan of funny when you declared your love for Dallas a long time ago.
I’m getting the boots put to me by a Giants fan. Someone call Irony’s next of kin, because it’s dead.
Seeing more and more players in college and pros with one stripe of eyeblack under one eye. What?
Kid for Ole Miss today was apparently doing it as a tribute to Anakin Skywalker, which I’m sure will help his draft prospects.
Fucking nerd.
If you’re going to do a tribute via eyeblack to a Star Wars character, you go full Darth Maul. Or don’t go at all.
Every morning Jimmy Johnson wakes up, puts on a pair of britches and goes out on his land to wrestle and kill a wild boar. He then eats that boar for breakfast.
and not ONE hair follicle moves even an inch
Neither his nor the boar’s!
WHY THE FUCK YOU CALLIN 911 ON A FUCKING CRUISE SHIP
One of the best Simpsons lines evar.
Troy Airman talking about Dallas bolstering their D because someone is coming back at 215 lbs.
Troy, I am 215.5, (as of this morning, figure does not include jambalaya recently consumed), and I promise you I am not stopping an NFL running back from doing anything he wants to.
What school is so small that a hot chick says “I’m married to Tim” at a homecoming and everyone knows who that is?
I went to UConn. You say “I’m married to Tim” and there’s like 14 possible grooms.
And also I fully support you betting against UConn football. Homecoming, opening day, meaningless game in October, doesn’t matter. Bet the other team and the points.
I would not call that chick hot. Unless I was blind drunk.
Compared to the guys in that commercial? She’s flying at a 13/10.
go kendra lust’s fav team
Roger has the same look of grim resignation that I would have had my parents ever found my stash of pornography.
…or the look I had when my mom confronted me when I forgot to clear the browser history.
I know her, president of the American Association of CPAs.
Fonts on the back of these sideline sweatshirts sponsored by the mid-90’s
I cleaned out each sons’ closet today – found no drugs, dammit.
My parents tried to pull the all series “We cleaned your room! Do you have to explain to us?” when I was a teenager. I said there was nothing in my room, they were both proud and disappointed.
[commenting with a dildo in his butt] Burying the lead, if you will.
When my son was in high school I was in his room for some reason and I saw a tin of mints. Thinking that my breath could indeed use some freshening I popped it open.
And thereby discovered where he was hiding his used condoms.
I picked him up from his baseball game that afternoon and had a one-way conversation. A) Glad you’re using protection. B) Wrap the condom in toilet paper and throw it in the trash, what you’re doing now is fucking gross, and C) thank your lucky stars I stumbled onto this trainwreck of decision making and not your mother.
But did they freshen your breath
In fact they did not.
Sigh. Horatio, when you saw “this gum sucks” written on the side of a condom machine, it was a JOKE, goddamnit.
I love watching Cowboys games because either they play well and my friends that are Cowboys fans are happy or they shit the bed and my friends get hilariously pissed off.
It’s a win win.
“Yeah it’s fucking great” I say, reaching for a bottle of rotgut whiskey and a needle full of what I’m hoping is heroin.
Narrator: “We’ve secretly replated Horatio’s heroin with B12 and Saline. Not for comedy; we’re just very concerned and afraid.”
But if I had to choose? Cowboys.
still triple fuck jerrah for delaying jimmy johnson’s ring of honor for so long it was until AFTER he went into the hof
If Ol’ Double J could have kept his ego in check and let Jimmy keep coaching we’d be talking about the Cowboys being as or more successful than the Patriots and people would have an actual reason to hate Dallas, instead of picking on a slapdick franchise that hasn’t been to the Super Bowl in 28 goddamn years.
dunno about being as good/better than the pats, but def right there and even with the niners overall (five super bowls) or maybe even the stillers (six) instead of being america’s meme since 1996
Dallas has 5 Super Duper Bowls. I think 7 appearances.
None in the last going-on-three-full decades of course.
i keep forgetting that broncos one, because i keep forgetting the broncos were decent once before elway
How could you forget Craig Morton, sir!?
Lack of success doesn’t automatically reduce the hateability of a team, in fact it almost never does
I know. It’s funny how people accuse Cowboy fans of jumping on the bandwagon and we point to a dilapidated piled of wreckage which is on fire in a sewage ditch and say “oh, that wagon?”
“That was my ride to work tomorrow, bro.”
-Todd M.
Monday Night Football on saturday night but it is still considered Monday Night Football, because Brands!
“Special Saturday Night Football!” was deemed too complex for the average viewer.
/I’m not sure they’re wrong
You’d think the Nazi Football League would be all about Saturday Night Special. Because gunz and Gawd, you see
Because calling it an NFL Special was just asking for insults when the teams are re– Very Special Teams.
Week 15, 7-6 Oilers at 4-9 Bengals 1997 (youtube.com)
Getting days fucked up is what makes the holiday!
Went to the bar for dinner, (Jambalaya!), some friends show up unexpectedly. Friend buys me a beer. As we finish our beers I order him another one, as one does.
Bartender brings him his beer and puts the beer I ordered for him on his tab.
Me: “He also wants two dozen oysters, and desserts for everyone.”
We got it straightened out. No oysters were harmed in the making of this post.
Someone’s horny!
-Lowratio
I hope it went nice and awkward!
Other than ‘Charlie Work’ that might be my favorite episode.
There is a Creighton commercial with a blue jay flying around like Song of the South and my father and I laughed hard at it
Creighton is in Omaha, NB, and in the Big East. Laughing hard at them is nothing new.
Look we needed Catholic elitism from all over the country for my beloved Big East and Creighton fulfills the corn-fed quota of that
Creighton is an excellent addition to the Big East, because it allows us to ask Greg McDermott where he was on 1/6/21.
Damar is going to have the Comeback Player of the Year Award renamed after him this season, but will it also be ELITE?
https://www.si.com/nfl/browns/news/joe-flacco-has-been-elite-since-joining-the-browns
I’m forever grateful he made it because he would have become part of a wings deal at La Nova
TheShaun can take the open spot.
Evening. And goodnight.
Was it something I said?
He’s living large in Portugal. It’s Bedtime for Bonzo.
What a Clooney.
Wandering the streets of south Brooklyn while Senorita Weaselo gets back with her siblings form omakase. (I was also invited except for the minor problem of not liking any fish or seafood, so I declined and ran other errands.)
What does “kill more partridges” mean in Scotch parlance?
The whole family.
Especially that Tracy. Little bitch.
It means to skullfuck an effigy of Danny Bonaduce
The only thing uglier than Danny Donaduce himself
This is delightful:
https://www.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/18unjk9/gibbswhite_smoothly_spins_and_avoids_raphael/
re: Ifeatu Melifonwu
Sounds like the Viking’s offensive philosophy is to attack a defender until he stops you…. and then don’t change anything.
It’s a historically accurate defensive philosophy
Who plucks y young scotchy’s kills?
Detroit needs to trade back for Stafford in a three-way deal that sends Goff to New England.
Did Youngest check the pear trees? I’ve heard there’s good shootin’ opportunities there
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7XscWqgdzI&ab_channel=AC%2FDC-Topic