Your Saturday Night Special

It’s been a delightful day in the Scotchverse-youngest went out to kill more partridges, wife had a good mid-day snooze and I saw Sillycuse get to double digit wins in December for the first time in quite a while. More alarming is the fact that there are two open areas of water on our lake at this time of year. This is insane but my brain should have connected the dots given the fact I went for a swim on the last day of September.

To The Game!

Lions/Cowboys:

-Coach and potential jaw cancer victim Dan Campbell (he loves the chaw) gets all the credit for turning this moribund franchise completely around in three years. The scarred kneecaps? Medial collateral ligament damage.

-You’d think it would be Dallas (#5) but it’s actually Detroit (#3) that has the better overall offense. (total yards gained)

-Beware relatively new Lions safety [squints at bio] Ifeatu Melifonwu. Against the Vikes in just his third start he had a pick, two sacks, five tackles and two pass breakups.

-CeeDee only needs three catches to knock Mikey Irvin off the leaderboard for most catches in a season. Irvin still holds the record for most lines of coke snorted off the thigh of a comatose hooker in a one star motel. (not gonna lie, that’s an awfully specific stat)

-The Plugger and The Darter: Montgomery and Gibbs sound like a pair of Confederate generals that scurried back to their plantations as soon as things went south. (HA!) But they’re actually the one-two punch responsible for the third-best rushing attack in the league. Given that Dallas gave up 266 yards on the ground a few weeks ago to Buffalo, well, this is the path to victory.

-Detroit lost 24-6 to the Cowboys last year-since then they’ve gone 19-7.

-Even if Dallas extends its home winning streak they still need Philly to lose to the Giants next week. Good luck with that.

See you in the comments.

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fleshwound_NPG

trickiness!

hippofant

Troy Aikman having one of those days…

“That’s an amazing change of events right there on the field.”

“The circle has closed at half-time.”

Brocky

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jjfozz

Imagine what the inside of that tent would look like

fleshwound_NPG

LOL THE DUMBEST RULE IN SPORTS, BUT FUCK THE COWBOYS

rockingdog

Found a funny:

There should be more daytime concerts. What do you mean “Doors at 9.” What about my bedtime?

herodotus450

The Doors would be at 6…feet under. Just sayin.

Horatio Cornblower

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, THIS COMMENT I CALL IT THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY BECAUSE ROCKINGDOG FOUND HIS WAY HOME!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Brandin Cooks: /catches short pass and is immediately planted into the ground

Troy Airman: “Boy, Brandin Cooks can really run!”

jjfozz

I’ll say it again. The Courtyard commercial implies it’s a great place to stay when going to a football game . . . so why are all the shots of people sitting in the lobby watching a football game?

LemonJello

It appears that the Christians are doing better than the Lions in this modern Coliseum.

jjfozz

Hoping this photo doesn’t break any nudity rules on DFO

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Brocky

Reminds me of when I would walk past the spare bedroom on to see my rottie lying on her back with their legs in the air,

And giving me the nonchalant look while upside down

Horatio Cornblower

Joe Buck: “Let’s bring in our rules analyst, Amedeo Modigliani, and get his thoughts on the call.”

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Modigliani: “Eh, I’ve seen worse.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Dan Campbell would be a jaw cancer enjoyer, how dare you

Horatio Cornblower

Fucking McCarthy. 3rd and 13 and calls a bubble screen. Either actually go for it and just punt. Jackass.

jjfozz

The Cowboys Owner’s Box, you will never find a greater hive of scum and villainy.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hey you be nice to Gene

LemonJello

Was that Bradshaw? For a moment I thought it was “HI I’M MARK DAVIS AND MY TONIGHT GIRLFRIEND GOT ME THIS HAT SO WE CAN PLAY COWBOYS AND INDIANS LATER!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How hard is the BCS selection committee partying tonight?

LemonJello

Like Irsay on an average Tuesday night.

jjfozz

Oh, a St. Jude children’s research kids with cancer commercial, I’ll be back after I hug my children.

jjfozz

The woman in Cars.com commercial is gardening, and then there’s a close up of her holding a cell phone, BUT HER GODDAMN GARDEN GLOVES ARE CLEAN!

Art is dead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’d be a welcome addition to the Thursday Murder Club, Fozz.

jjfozz

I’m listening . . .

fleshwound_NPG

the lions the last couple of minutes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ccUDrB_8jQ

fleshwound_NPG

and again, and again, and again

jjfozz

HOW DO YOU MISS THAT HOLD? FUCK DALLAS ALL TO HELL

fleshwound_NPG

forget that, that was an automatic safety, what was 55 doing

Horatio Cornblower

Honestly think that with all the rule changes about hitting the QBs that defensive players tend to hesitate at the last second.

Horatio Cornblower

I promise you there will be +/- 8 missed hold calls on Parsons before this is done.

That said, yep, Dallas got away with one there.

fleshwound_NPG

that ball was pointed towards saturn

floated so high phillip rivers had another child

Horatio Cornblower

Broken plays are the best plays.

SonOfSpam

(scotchy was then mysteriously stabbed with scissors, with traces of cocaine in the wound)

jjfozz

Also the Rock Ring of Honor

Brick Meathook

I think Charles Haley was first. Just ask him he’ll show you.

fleshwound_NPG

what the holly hell was that

Horatio Cornblower

That was the God of the Moon and Earth telling Amon-Ra to go pound sand.

fleshwound_NPG

i was talking about that “skit” between the mascot and troy

Horatio Cornblower

Mercifully I missed that.

LemonJello

Wait for the follow up, where they’re both headed to the showers…

LemonJello

The Ghost of Detroit Past?

jjfozz

The Book of Clarence, guarantee to kill Christians left and right

Horatio Cornblower

Block Micah Parsons? Why?

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think it’s fair that Dallas has to play a team that employs the God of Sun and Air.

Horatio Cornblower

Door Flies Open: Come for the comments, stay for the Google searches.

SonOfSpam

oh come on, I know all about he was (checks Wikipedia tab) the son of Iapetus.

Horatio Cornblower

My search tab is still open, believe that.

SonOfSpam

And nothing in particular

Horatio Cornblower

Settle down, Joyce.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, was that a Thursday Murder Club reference?

[no it was not]

fleshwound_NPG

dak in january form two days early

Doktor Zymm

The Cowboys have been doing Dry January for YEARS

Horatio Cornblower

Someone banner this.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m much more a fan of funny than I am the Cowboys, and that was fucking funny.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m getting the boots put to me by a Giants fan. Someone call Irony’s next of kin, because it’s dead.

jjfozz

Seeing more and more players in college and pros with one stripe of eyeblack under one eye. What?

Horatio Cornblower

Kid for Ole Miss today was apparently doing it as a tribute to Anakin Skywalker, which I’m sure will help his draft prospects.

Fucking nerd.

jjfozz

If you’re going to do a tribute via eyeblack to a Star Wars character, you go full Darth Maul. Or don’t go at all.

jjfozz

Every morning Jimmy Johnson wakes up, puts on a pair of britches and goes out on his land to wrestle and kill a wild boar. He then eats that boar for breakfast.

fleshwound_NPG

and not ONE hair follicle moves even an inch

LemonJello

Neither his nor the boar’s!

fleshwound_NPG

WHY THE FUCK YOU CALLIN 911 ON A FUCKING CRUISE SHIP

WCS

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SonOfSpam

One of the best Simpsons lines evar.

Horatio Cornblower

Troy Airman talking about Dallas bolstering their D because someone is coming back at 215 lbs.

Troy, I am 215.5, (as of this morning, figure does not include jambalaya recently consumed), and I promise you I am not stopping an NFL running back from doing anything he wants to.

Horatio Cornblower

What school is so small that a hot chick says “I’m married to Tim” at a homecoming and everyone knows who that is?

I went to UConn. You say “I’m married to Tim” and there’s like 14 possible grooms.

And also I fully support you betting against UConn football. Homecoming, opening day, meaningless game in October, doesn’t matter. Bet the other team and the points.

jjfozz

I would not call that chick hot. Unless I was blind drunk.

Horatio Cornblower

Compared to the guys in that commercial? She’s flying at a 13/10.

fleshwound_NPG

go kendra lust’s fav team

kendra-goodell.jpg
Horatio Cornblower

Roger has the same look of grim resignation that I would have had my parents ever found my stash of pornography.

Redshirt

…or the look I had when my mom confronted me when I forgot to clear the browser history.

jjfozz

I know her, president of the American Association of CPAs.

jjfozz

Fonts on the back of these sideline sweatshirts sponsored by the mid-90’s

jjfozz

I cleaned out each sons’ closet today – found no drugs, dammit.

Redshirt

My parents tried to pull the all series “We cleaned your room! Do you have to explain to us?” when I was a teenager. I said there was nothing in my room, they were both proud and disappointed.

Horatio Cornblower

When my son was in high school I was in his room for some reason and I saw a tin of mints. Thinking that my breath could indeed use some freshening I popped it open.

And thereby discovered where he was hiding his used condoms.

I picked him up from his baseball game that afternoon and had a one-way conversation. A) Glad you’re using protection. B) Wrap the condom in toilet paper and throw it in the trash, what you’re doing now is fucking gross, and C) thank your lucky stars I stumbled onto this trainwreck of decision making and not your mother.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

But did they freshen your breath

Horatio Cornblower

In fact they did not.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sigh. Horatio, when you saw “this gum sucks” written on the side of a condom machine, it was a JOKE, goddamnit.

ballsofsteelandfury

I love watching Cowboys games because either they play well and my friends that are Cowboys fans are happy or they shit the bed and my friends get hilariously pissed off.

It’s a win win.

Horatio Cornblower

“Yeah it’s fucking great” I say, reaching for a bottle of rotgut whiskey and a needle full of what I’m hoping is heroin.

Redshirt

Narrator: “We’ve secretly replated Horatio’s heroin with B12 and Saline. Not for comedy; we’re just very concerned and afraid.”

WCS

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fleshwound_NPG

still triple fuck jerrah for delaying jimmy johnson’s ring of honor for so long it was until AFTER he went into the hof

Horatio Cornblower

If Ol’ Double J could have kept his ego in check and let Jimmy keep coaching we’d be talking about the Cowboys being as or more successful than the Patriots and people would have an actual reason to hate Dallas, instead of picking on a slapdick franchise that hasn’t been to the Super Bowl in 28 goddamn years.

fleshwound_NPG

dunno about being as good/better than the pats, but def right there and even with the niners overall (five super bowls) or maybe even the stillers (six) instead of being america’s meme since 1996

Horatio Cornblower

Dallas has 5 Super Duper Bowls. I think 7 appearances.

None in the last going-on-three-full decades of course.

fleshwound_NPG

i keep forgetting that broncos one, because i keep forgetting the broncos were decent once before elway

Horatio Cornblower

How could you forget Craig Morton, sir!?

Doktor Zymm

Lack of success doesn’t automatically reduce the hateability of a team, in fact it almost never does

Horatio Cornblower

I know. It’s funny how people accuse Cowboy fans of jumping on the bandwagon and we point to a dilapidated piled of wreckage which is on fire in a sewage ditch and say “oh, that wagon?”

LemonJello

“That was my ride to work tomorrow, bro.”
-Todd M.

fleshwound_NPG

Monday Night Football on saturday night but it is still considered Monday Night Football, because Brands!

Gumbygirl

You’d think the Nazi Football League would be all about Saturday Night Special. Because gunz and Gawd, you see

Redshirt

Because calling it an NFL Special was just asking for insults when the teams are re– Very Special Teams.

Week 15, 7-6 Oilers at 4-9 Bengals 1997 (youtube.com)

Don T

Getting days fucked up is what makes the holiday!

Horatio Cornblower

Went to the bar for dinner, (Jambalaya!), some friends show up unexpectedly. Friend buys me a beer. As we finish our beers I order him another one, as one does.

Bartender brings him his beer and puts the beer I ordered for him on his tab.

Me: “He also wants two dozen oysters, and desserts for everyone.”

We got it straightened out. No oysters were harmed in the making of this post.

ballsofsteelandfury

Someone’s horny!

-Lowratio

WCS

comment image

I hope it went nice and awkward!

Horatio Cornblower

Other than ‘Charlie Work’ that might be my favorite episode.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

There is a Creighton commercial with a blue jay flying around like Song of the South and my father and I laughed hard at it

Horatio Cornblower

Creighton is in Omaha, NB, and in the Big East. Laughing hard at them is nothing new.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Look we needed Catholic elitism from all over the country for my beloved Big East and Creighton fulfills the corn-fed quota of that

Horatio Cornblower

Creighton is an excellent addition to the Big East, because it allows us to ask Greg McDermott where he was on 1/6/21.

WCS

Damar is going to have the Comeback Player of the Year Award renamed after him this season, but will it also be ELITE?

https://www.si.com/nfl/browns/news/joe-flacco-has-been-elite-since-joining-the-browns

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’m forever grateful he made it because he would have become part of a wings deal at La Nova

WCS

TheShaun can take the open spot.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. And goodnight.

LemonJello

Was it something I said?

Gumbygirl

He’s living large in Portugal. It’s Bedtime for Bonzo.

Senor Weaselo

Wandering the streets of south Brooklyn while Senorita Weaselo gets back with her siblings form omakase. (I was also invited except for the minor problem of not liking any fish or seafood, so I declined and ran other errands.)

jjfozz

What does “kill more partridges” mean in Scotch parlance?

Senor Weaselo

The whole family.

Gumbygirl

Especially that Tracy. Little bitch.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It means to skullfuck an effigy of Danny Bonaduce

jjfozz

The only thing uglier than Danny Donaduce himself

blaxabbath

re: Ifeatu Melifonwu

Sounds like the Viking’s offensive philosophy is to attack a defender until he stops you…. and then don’t change anything.

Doktor Zymm

It’s a historically accurate defensive philosophy

blaxabbath

Who plucks y young scotchy’s kills?

blaxabbath

Detroit needs to trade back for Stafford in a three-way deal that sends Goff to New England.

Senor Weaselo

Did Youngest check the pear trees? I’ve heard there’s good shootin’ opportunities there

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