Taylor Swift is not a CIA wokeness android.

Nancy Pelosi did not threaten the league at halftime if the 49ers didn’t win.

The NFL is controlled by Lizard People, but they are the same Old Rich White Lizard People as have openly controlled American wealth since Cornelius Vanderbilt emerged from the caves beneath Staten Island, so that doesn’t count.

I get it: we’re not just in a post-rational world, we’re in a post-post-rational world, where the Normal are afraid to publicly contradict the Nutters.

Ironically, this world springs from humanity’s analytical nature. We are creatures evolved for pattern recognition and anticipating threats, and we are deeply uncomfortable with uncertainty. Someone said that humanity has a Religion-shaped hole in its psyche for this very reason- if we don’t have explanations, our brains start eating themselves. In order to feel safe, we need to think

1. there is some intelligent guiding hand(s) on the tiller of the world,

2. there is some way we can gain their favor (or at least avoid their wrath) if we do the Right Things, and

3. we know what those Right Things are.

We need this comfort; otherwise, we fall into a black pit of nihilistic despair and become lawyers.

Conspiracy Theory enters through that same psychic door as Religion, because it fulfills that same need to know What’s Really Going On. The difference is that instead of setting the terms of a relationship with the Controlling Power, it just gives you a target to hate and someone to blame.

Seriously, name me a positive conspiracy theory. Something where the secret cabal of plotters is trying to do something good, like find the cure for cancer or make fat-free cookies that taste good. You can’t.

So we come to the Super Bowl. As soon as the underdog Chefs emerged from Baltimore victorious, the drumbeat of CONSPIRACY! began to echo across the land, especially in conservative circles.

Listen: I got on the NFL-Wants-Taylor-Swift-at-the-Super-Bowl train pretty fucking early. The NFL will do almost anything to attract new demographics, and the Platonic Swiftie is a potential goldmine: young, female and willing to spend. And I absolutely believe that the NFL uses “soft” power (leaning on refs for judgment calls, advantageous scheduling, etc.) to give its ‘preferred’ teams every opportunity to flourish, though not so much as to outright hand them games.

Otherwise the Meadowlands would have hosted a playoff game in the last 11 years.

But let’s pump our brakes on the TAYLOR SWIFT IS A PSYOP BY THE CIA/PFIZER/DEMOCRATS part of this.

First, there were no indications that even my comparatively respectable “soft-power” concept played a role in the Chiefs victories over the Bills or the Ravens. Unless someone drugged the Baltimore offense, the Chiefs just stepped up. The NFL is no doubt delighted that they can save up their skullduggery for future use.

Second, the Lions would have been a way better matchup if the Powers that Be were trying to ensure a Hollywood Ending.

Third, it’s a quarterback’s league. If the whole relationship was a Work, the NFL would have set her up with Joe Burrow.

Fourth, if the relationship was a Work by Gay Woke Democrats, the NFL would have set her up with Jalen Hurts.

So please: it’s time for someone on that side of the aisle to call bullshit. Like, not the usual semi-serious killjoy people; the public is used to ignoring us. I need the Head Idiots- the Joe Rogans, the Pat McAfees, the ones that make their money feeding off the Credulous Angry Meathead- to stand up and say “Enough! She’s smokin’ hot, and I will not see smokin’ hotness disrespected!”

Needless to say, not holding my breath.

NFL NEWS:

-Oh kids, the Coaching Tilt-a-Whirl is starting to fill up. Don’t look now, but the only two cars left are the one that doesn’t rotate correctly (Seattle) and the one with vomit that bored carney Roger Goodell couldn’t be bothered to hose out (Washington).

Seattle has a chance to be a good spot for almost any of the up-and-coming coaches (and Dan Quinn) as long as they are willing to sit up and beg for John Schneider and Jody Allen. They are a truly mediocre team with three great receivers and a whole bunch of “will they/won’t they” guys who could gel or die.

Washington…well, we covered this. I view this like the Israelites in the Sinai: the Snyder Curse (really going all the way back to George Preston Marshall) will stain the franchise “until the last of your carcasses is down in the wilderness” and no one who has sang Hail to the [Redacteds] still draws breath.

-Bad news for said Seahawks and Commanders: Lions Offensive Coordinator Ben Johnson, who was this year’s Sean McVay Memorial Great White Hope, has chosen to stay with the Lions. Johnson, who was listed as a top candidate for almost every open job, was allegedly asking too much for his services (unclear if that means monetarily or control) and so decided to go home. Someone is voluntarily staying in Detroit, so things are in unprecedented territory for the Lions.

-Arthur Smith, the pluckly little Fed Ex Heir That Could, has landed on his feet. Smith will be the Offensive Coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Looking back at his previous OC experience, expect the Steelers to run Najee Harris and Jaylen Warren into the fucking ground while they try to hide Pickett (or whoever).

-Tick tock, Bill.

Not a whole lot of teams left, and no one who will give you the power you crave.

Think it’s going to be better next year? No way man- teams are looking to hire guys half your age, and 71 doesn’t look any better on the resume than 70.

So just do it.

Step up to the ledge.

Do what you were meant to do: place the Black Key of The Goat into the Great Lock, take the Washington job, and pour forth from your thousand throats the song that will end Time.