Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future [in bed].
Paul Boese
This sounds like a ED ad.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
You just know they’re going to stick the duck with the bill
Gumbygirl
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
BugEyedBoo
Today was weird. Didn’t feel like a Monday. Just felt off.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I’ve been unemployed for something like 15 months. Days of the week are a mystery to me
Doktor Zymm
Someone threw up Bad News Bears in Horatio’s thread so here’s Kevin Smith (who has lost a lot of weight but I still think he’s cancer-ridden because I’m a piece of shit that can’t wish anyone well) talking about it. He hit the nail on the head about the kid’s performances being so raw.
scotchnaut
Oh, the ACTUAL bad news bears, not bad news about the bears misjudging the qb market and sorta getting flayed for letting Justin Fields go for too little even though it would have been super weird to keep him given that they’re obviously set on ruining another dude.
Doktor Zymm
New jorb, new proletariat achievement unlocked. Joined the local union today to keep the evil capitalist pigs from doing exactly what they’ll always do.
WCS
Found a funny:
Lots of Overnight Constitutional Law Experts on here suddenly confident in their ability to second-guess the Supreme Court and adjudicate the actually quite subtle and contested question of [checks notes] Whether Texas can have its own Foreign Policy uh wait a sec what the fuck
rockingdog
My wife roped me into helping some of her real estate clients today. I was told I was needed to move some heavy stuff. On the way over I learned that the heavy thing I needed to move was the door to the attic, because they’re too short to reach it.
Mrs. Horatio: “You’ll like him. He’s just so short and cute!”
Me: “Oh god. Lowratio! Just like the old Gypsy woman everyone at DFO said!”
/it turned out that they’re also very old and can’t move the attic door, which used to operate on a pulley system, but that broke, and now it’s a set up right out of the ‘Final Destination’ series.
Horatio Cornblower
Finished my taxes today, I’ll be getting quite a bit back which is very welcome, although I hate giving the government an interest free loan. The IRS is so incredibly incompetent and nasty that I hope they stay underfunded forever and ever.
Something very scary happened the other day. I actually agreed with Trump on something, and that was his comments on the TikTok ban bill being stupid. We’ve had years and years to pass comprehensive data legislation like the EU has done, but instead we’re just going to ban a single company for data abuses because it’s Chinese owned. It’s protectionism and luddite incompetence all rolled up into one idiotic bill.
Doktor Zymm
If it makes you feel any better Trump used to be all for that bill but then he met a billionaire investor who is linked to Tik Tok, they had a private conversation, and then Trump changed his mind. Mere coincidence I’m sure.
But you were on the right side for the right reasons, so you never actually agreed with him, because he doesn’t have positions, just interests in money-making opportunities.
Horatio Cornblower
That does make me feel better, thank you!
Doktor Zymm
Guess who just put $2 on Longwood at +2000
Sharkbait
The Bears misjudged the QB market, which is actually sort of comforting as a dangerous level of competence was building up which would require a truly epic Bearsing to return balance to the universe
Doktor Zymm
The Bears misjudged the QB market
In equivalent news-Slime mold has yet to send amorphic masses of protoplasm to the moon.
scotchnaut
I, for one, am super excited to stand alongside Super Secret Governor Kari Lake and welcome home [from Glendale] a UA National Championship Team.
At the affair, I will wear a shirt that reads in large letters, simply, “ASU SUCKS”
blaxabbath
I don’t disagree with CT not winning the title. They’re the favorite, and the favorite simply never wins. I do disagree that Arizona will be the team that send them home, based on Arizona’s longstanding tradition of tripping over their own dicks and losing in an early round to the kind of team they should have beaten handily. It’s more likely that Auburn or Illinois pulls the game of their lives out of their ass and CT gets in foul trouble. CT loses by 4-5 and UConn twitter commits mass suicide.
Now, about Connecticut pizza. First of all, New Haven pizza, which is understood to be the best pizza in the world, never mind the country, is properly called ‘apizza,’ and is pronounced “a-BEEtz.” This is because it was made by Italians, a swarthy, greasy people more prone to talking with their hands and with little-to-no ability to handle the nuance of a fine language like English. In this essay I will….
/Just absolutely and justifiably fucking crushed under a hail of olive oil bottles and tomato sauce cans, most if not all with Italian sounding names on the labels.
Horatio Cornblower
I have utterly failed. (This is about the engine jet model that I totally borked)
1) New drill bits ineffectual. Plus side, I didn’t break them.
2) Super glue (actually Gorilla Glue) completely useless in this application.
3) Extractor bits were worthless. Between the two adaptors to accommodate such a small bit, there was much wobbling. Although I was able to stabilize the wobbling, the extractor doesn’t work without a pilot hole from a drill.
I am getting close to punching in the nuclear codes to fix this. But I still have some options up my sleeve. I’ll report back later.
Mr. Ayo
If I ever direct a James Bond movie this will be Blofeld’s toilet:
Brick Meathook
Shittin on top of the world
SonOfSpam
There is a Jeopardy UK????
litre_cola
Pete Cowpie: “This piece of shat deserved what he got, tell me true.”
Contestant: “Who is that dirty sub-human Bobby Sands?”
Pete Cowpie: “Ah, lad-ye forgot to spit at the end of the question!”
Contestant: “Ay-that be true but watch your back when yer headed to your car later, laddie. This shiv has your name on it.”
Pete Cowpie: “No worries-if it’s as sharp as you I’ll get no more than a bruise.”
Audience: [sings some sort of incredibly racist song]
scotchnaut
So…how did Ippei get hold of millions of Shohei’s dollars to gamble?
Methinks Arte Moreno played 4-D chess and got rid of the problem player before the scandal broke. (j/k Arte’s a tool) (but also maybe Ippei is falling on his proverbial/literal sword for Shohei)
SonOfSpam
Sharkbait
Won’t be the last time BYU folks are upset about a name they can’t pronounce.
blaxabbath
Rather than use the total number of points in the final as the tiebreaker, I think it be more fun to use the total number of correctly predicted upsets.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’d like to report a murder.
Horatio Cornblower
RE: Kentucky fans
Redshirt
Dear TWBS,
I have kept your FF league alive and sent every winner a shitty bottle of vodka and a Big Turk. I need your almond matter to win for 300 dollars. Do what you can.
litre
litre_cola
Boy am I glad that weeks over. Now for two days of restful household chores. I hope I can stay awake for at least a couple of games. Fuckin exhaustion.
2Pack
Hey Longwood is our DFO team in the tourney this year right?
2Pack
Yes, because they’re not going to last very long.
scotchnaut
Bracket Update! Balls is currently leading with 27/32 picks correct, which puts him among the top 99.9% of all brackets submitted to ESPN. Not bad!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Hockey is a stupid and pointless game. Can’t believe I’ve spent any time watching this crap. Even more disappointed I’ve spent money on this useless and soulless enterprise.
Mr. Ayo
OMFG. Ban hockey. Contract the Kraken. Embarrassing.
Mr. Ayo
I really thought Longwood would have more success in the home of Houston 500.
Mr. Ayo
Mrs sharkbait went out to dinner with her sister tonight. Of course tonight is the night sharkette decided to launch herself into bed and banged her head on the windowsill. She’s got a nice little goose egg going where she whacked it. I definitely needed this drink I’ve got going.
Sharkbait
Shitty vodka and a Big Turk are en route.
litre_cola
You join such luminaries as Weaselo, Spam, and Ayo!
litre_cola
Make no mistake, the shitty description of the vodka is a vast understatement. And the Big Turk is even worse.
Mr. Ayo
It is how TWBS would want it.
At the Wine emporium, I bought 4 bottles of 30 dollar wine, 12 of “good” hard ice tea and the plastic bottle of vodka. The man looked at me.
“Ok, what is with the shitty vodka? You clearly can afford these wines, why this?”
“Dead guy FF pool”
litre_cola
Don T
“Why is homeowners insurance so expensive?” – Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (Ret) walking away from a hot iron that she left on top of a stack of books
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’ll never miss guys being down 12 and flexing.
blaxabbath
Oh yeah. Wide receivers getting a first down, down by three scores late in the 4th quarter and thinking they’ve just owned that cb? smh…
scotchnaut
Now, look, I’m no international relations expert but it seems to me that getting mowed down by Islamic State terrorists or trampled in the ensuing chaos dropping at a weeknight performance of your favorite rock band in Moscow will actually be one of the more peaceful ways most Russians may hope to die.
blaxabbath
Found a funny:
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
rockingdog
Should take over school lunches.
BC Dick
Ah, that would be great. Old Italian grandmothers serving lunches and guilt. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to take? I was working all day, I missed seeing Vinny in jail, I couldn’t bet my numbers. Fine. You want to kill me? Okay.”
jjfozz
Matthew Tkachuk is a player I fucking hate to see against my team, but would do anything to have on mine.
Sharkbait
Personally he is a knob. Rude, entitled, dickhead. Whereas Jonny Gaudreau would apologize for him.
Also I used to drink with Keith Tkachuk in Winnipeg, cementhead socially but fucking sneaky smart.
litre_cola
A very old Yahoo email address of mine somehow landed on a right-wing mailing list about a month ago. I get about two or three crazed emails a day, each calling me “patriot.” I don’t unsubscribe because of the entertainment value, but I just delete them.
Here’s the latest gem that just arrived. I’ll forward it if you want a new friend:
Brick Meathook
Hello PATRIOT,
As you know, I am a very legend rich man but I’ve come in too some legal troubles as of late. If you merely send me a 5000$ casheir check or amazon itunes giftcards I promise, on the honor, to reward you 10 fold in this life and hte next.
God Bless,
Your President
Donadl Trump
herodotus450
Time for a poutine powered edition of Release the Kraken!!!
Mr. Ayo
And flags!
Mr. Ayo
That sounds like a pro-abstinence slogan promoted heavily at Liberty University.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Shout-out to my niece-skiing-wise (giant slalom?) she finished 3rd in Ontario and 15th in all of Canada. Can’t wait to tell her she’s going nowhere but downhill!
scotchnaut
She’s the bird that roasted me hard for drinking Fiji water. She’s the best! Fifteen years old and she takes no prisoners.
scotchnaut
THESE GUYS THE UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY I CALL THEM THE JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTIONISTS BECAUSE THEY’RE A BUNCH OF WHITE GUYS WITH HUSTLE BUT NO COLLEGE DEGREE THAT ARE GONNA GET RAILROADED BY THE MAN AT THE END OF ALL THIS!
blaxabbath
If you have having trouble “loggin in”, once logged in it may say that you are not logged in, at that point, refresh the page. If that does not work, then clear your cache and “loggin in” again.
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Good Kate Middleton joke.
So the joke may be on all the ant-vaxx Karens out there https://www.forbes.com/sites/ariannajohnson/2024/03/25/chemicals-found-in-popular-household-products-potentially-linked-to-autism-multiple-sclerosis-study-suggests/amp/
Keeping your house so clean may be what causes autism. Especially since the story mentions the increase of their use matches the rise in autism rates.
*use of cleaning chemicals
Nothing about vacuums though, right?
My dislike of cleaning was right all along! Of course, I don’t have kids, but if I DID….
Women should already feel guilty for not using organic LEMON cleaners with the power of ORANGE and VINEAGAR.
Now they just know what happens when they coupon clip….
There was a dude on the bridge construction crew who had the day off. Lucky not to be there, but 6 of his work buddies are still missing so not great. Gotta be quite the mindfuck
Survivor Syndrome.
Yeah, when you can’t get this song out of your head
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc71KZG87X4&pp=ygUWYnVybmluZyBoZWFydCBzdXJ2aXZvcg%3D%3D
Also known as the plot to the next Final Destination movie!
Donald Trump is hocking the Bible. The God blessed Bible. For $60.
You cannot make this shit up.
Hey he’s just serving a demand. In that faux pious idiots want to be grifted by a dictator who will them them they’re the chosen ones and he’ll spite the heathens.
What a lying, conniving asshole selling a book that is full of lies? Color me shocked. I think it would be better if he did something like, “The books of the bible that the Vatican does not want you to see! Read the books that in 382A.D. were too shocking to print!” and just print a random bunch of stuff not selected for the current bible.
Isn’t there a bit about false idols in there? I wonder if the Trump bible edited that bit out
https://www.usnews.com/news/world/articles/2024-03-22/god-gave-us-trump-christian-media-evangelicals-preach-a-messianic-message
I hate every single word in that article.
Yup. Fuck the Christian right.
The money changer has TAKEN OVER the temple…
What’s interesting is it’s actually copies of some of the classified documents he had laying about in Mar-A-Largo.
Here’s a link to the video, in case anybody hasn’t seen it yet.
https://www.wbaltv.com/article/baltimore-bridge-collapse-key-bridge-video/60304085
Oh shit, no wonder, they basically rammed one of the man supports. Nothing is designed to survive a hit by that much weight
F=ma, undefeated
Judges also would have accepted “that an object in motion stays in motion”
Speed Kills.
it’s “Speed II” on a boat? “Speed” is on a bus
At what point should the captain drop the anchor and emergency stop that bitch? How close do you have to go to the damn support structure and go “That doesn’t seem right…”
They tried, from what I am hearing, the ships powerplant died as they were headed towards the bridge and inertia took over along with the wind and currents.
Yeah, they issued a mayday call with enough time for the bridge to be closed to traffic, or it would be been a lot worse.
People don’t realize how hard it is to stop and/or turn one of those things.
If that had hit at rush hour, that would have been an even worse disaster. There were road crews working on the bridge that were walking (probably running) and did not get off in time. I hope they find all of them.
Yeah, I had the same question but then I saw another video that starts earlier and they were already very close to the bridge when they started having power issues.
Oh, hello email containing the totally anonymous work survey. We’re gonna go put you right over here so I can take care of you later…
“anonymous”
Exactly
Just strip any session variables out of the URL and send it over to one of us…
Where’s my TAB??
Sign a company meeting is going to be absolutely ignorable is when one of the first statements is about loving the energy in the room. It was a Zoom call.
I think I would have preferred to sit through something a little less agonizing – like putting splinters under my fingernails.
I have a noon-3 call* on my schedule. Kill me now.
*Zoom/Teams, but my camera will stay off. FUCK YOU, ain’t nobody gonna make me.
I can’t remember the last time my camera was on
I consider it a service to my coworkers to leave mine off.
I once had my boss walk over to my office mid meeting because “there’s 30 people on there, no one wants to see your hairline
There will occasionally be indirect/passive aggressive attempts…which I completely ignore and refuse to acknowledge in any form
I suggest getting a bobblehead to stand in for you. Or perhaps have Noodles take the meeting.
It’s on right now. I’m watching you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFS9c852M_k
Can’t you have Otto Pilot take your place?
Still no edit…le sigh.
https://tenor.com/view/airplane-movie-airplane-movie-gif-8304599
Fuck this.
I occasionally have my camera on, but then with this background
Live look inside the Bears draft room:
https://twitter.com/AKBrews/status/1772632599405469764
Must be a good day, it’s not all burning human waste.
yet
Twitter is convinced that the container ship rammed the Baltimore bridge to distract from P.Diddy’s compound being raided by the FBI because “they” don’t want you to know about all the child sex-trafficking.
/glares at asteroid belt
//taps watch
I should have known that Das Racist’s “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” was about children and migrants being trafficked the whole time!
How the fuck did we as a society get so fucking stupid? I thought we got rid of leaded gasoline and lead paint
Yeah but we took up licking toads and eating Tide pods to compensate.
Honestly, it’s more narcissism than intelligence.
People have always been pretty narcissistic, but previous generations didn’t have access to social media.
So in the past you had people with these narcissistic idea that they’re always the victims, but they wouldn’t have the forum to express them becaise they knew on some level they’d be ostracized.
Now Facebook and Twitter have created these echo chambers have enabled people’s ideas, making them think they’re more popular than they are, where as before they’d be less inclined to share such ideas
Turns out we got the wrong end of the chicken/egg stick on that one
aren’t we banning edge-a-ma-cation now?
We must all train ourselves to look past the obvious.
Yes, and the Supreme Court is currently talking about banning birth control.
LET’S GO ASTEROID
clap clap clapclapclap
Excuse me, but what the fuck?
The FDA somehow not having the authority to approve misepristone or however it’s spelled case is on today
Oh fun. Can’t wait to see the 16th century, Old English case Law Alito cites to rule against the FDA
“Man dēþ swā hē byþ þonne hē mōt swā hē wile” stated the majority opinion. The response from legal commentators: “wtf??”
Part of me hopes that they allow states to ban it. The Dems need the electoral boost that would give them.
The more rational part of me realizes it doesn’t matter what I hope. All that matters is who took Clarence Thomas on vacation most recently.
It could be off the market nationwide, at least temporarily. Probably would be a huge election boost, so I guess that’s a bright side
Morning all
Good effort by all
Testing something out here
Interesting….
Is this like an optometrist visit and I have to choose one of the numbers?
….. sure.
https://trailers.getyarn.io/yarn-clip/15576444-ad6a-484f-bad5-d21a6c37c47c
You know I’m friends with plenty of Jewish sound guys at this point.
And a Czech one, too.
I get the pun, but indomt see how it’s relevant?
Those are very large numbers. Did I win?
Oh I missed some good stuff this week! Love the Nonna cafeteria lady, and yes Fiji water is an ecodisaster.
I like how Litre is making sacrifices to Twbs like an old-time household god. Pretty sure Christianity is against abortion and birth control because that’s the only way to keep people having kids after talking them out of sacrificing stuff to their forebears.
I wonder if the Bears suck so much because of people drinking Malort as a sacrifice to them?
Seeing that the Department of Homeland Security raided Puff Daddy’s properties gave me an idea for a script: a gangster rap adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo.
I assume there has already been a The Cunt of Monte Cristo porn parody?
/although that title could also be used for Puffy’s epic
Crisco
I will laugh if Puffy ends up doing an eye cream commercial to cover his legal bills
Considering this is possibly for sex trafficking, he may have have to do them from prison. “Puff Daddy’s Prison Eye Cream – get rid of those bags! So look alert and aware for any attempted shankings. Comes with attached lanyard, just to be safe. Also when mixed with prunes and water, really ups the quality of the pruno made with it”
Anybody heard from jjfozz lately?
I think today was his first day as a harbor pilot in Baltimore. Good luck on the new job, Fozz!
He is still loudly berating the pilot that hit the bridge, sending him and his vehicle into the water. His sheer rage held the water back till he could rise up on a cloud of steam to land on the ship’s bridge.
Hey, it’s anudder good union jerb rebuilding dat bridge amirite??
That was some good bridge killin’ right there . . .
It is a Chinese plot to ruin our economy.
Oh, and to personally piss off jjfoz.
Gave proof through the night, that our bridge was not there.
We’ll work it out in post.
Wasn’t one of you talking about playing bridge last night? J’ACCUSE!
It was built in the 70’s, probably due for a refresh!
The bridge rubble might form a nice artificial reef for crabs though, he should grab a bushel before surfacing
That port is the number one port for wheeled cargo, I think most of the vehicles delivered to the east coast arrive there, they will have to dredge the main channel again.