Not writing that one, just saying that the Draft is tomorrow and will inevitably get more eyeballs than the *checks ESPN app* five playoff sports events also happening that evening. Combined. Sure, the Jets have the 10th pick in the draft, but it’s also the Jets so at the end of the day…
Other news:
Sun God got paid. (4-120M, 77M guaranteed.)
Steelers will not be picking up Justin Fields’s 5th-year option (about 25M).
Dalvin Cook just settled all his lawsuits (fuck you Debbie!)
Reggie got his Heisman back!
In non-football news:
The big “Senor’s area of the DFO market” news is this past weekend at Robogames, the biggest competition during the underground years (the post-BattleBots/Robot Wars years, which is to say from about 2004-2015). Robogames went through some tough times once the televised robot combat Renaissance started, and also the pandemic, returning last year after a five-year hiatus. Where there were some safety issues. And this year, where there were some more safety issues. Namely, a breach where people box-side got hit by an entire goddamn fork. (Fortunately, they’re okay except for a nasty bruise, BUT STILL.)
One of the things about the BattleBox, or about any arena, is its safety. Some teams didn’t bring robots this year (like Malice’s legally-different sister, White Rabbit, although Bunny was one of the people who got hit!) due to safety concerns. Unlike BattleBots, which has a tip speed limit of 250 mph to try and keep everything contained, there is officially no tip speed limit at Robogames. This, however, would mean that you’d need extra safety for tip speeds of 300-400 mph because of conservation of energy, right? The teams themselves, especially after the breach, mostly spun down.
Also Jackpot’s legally-distinct brother Blackjack managed to rupture Terrortops’s battery in a way that contents streamed out rather than just smoked. First off, having never built a robot before and being pretty much incapable of building anything, I did not know this was possible, but also there could have been more done for the staff after this fight.
Please note that this was the same fight, that was paused, and then the second part happened. (The story was found on this Imgur album and this video, from Gary Gin.) They evacuated for an hour after this fight.
Anyway, who knows about the future of heavyweights at Robogames. Or at least the modern heavyweight class of 250 lbs.. (Robogames used to fight at the old limit of 220 lbs. until last year’s return.)
Anyway, Manta won the heavyweight division for the second year in a row and will likely be a favorite for the next season of BattleBots, once we know when it is. Mortician won for the middleweights, and I’m not sure about lower weight classes (lightweights, featherweights, insect weights, et al.).
Okay, what’s on the telly?
Uh, playoffs.
Ice variety:
Goalie Tandem Force vs. Maple Leaf Ragdoll (BOS vs. TOR, series tied 1-1, 7:00, ESPN)
Knights of LTIR vs. Vichy North Stars (VGK vs. DAL, Golden Knights lead 1-0, 9:30, ESPN)
Kings of LA-eon vs. “Fuck, I’m still gonna run out of Euler equations at this rate.” (LAK vs. EDM, Oilers lead 1-0, 10:00, TBS)
Wood variety:
Rat Piley vs. HERO x BALL jokes! (MIA vs. BOS, Celtics lead 1-0, 7:00, TNT)
Pierre the Nightmare vs. Vichy Sonics (NOP vs. OKC, Thunder lead 1-0, 9:30, TNT)
No one cares about CONCACAF!
Yellow Devo vs. Jacks (Columbus Crew SC vs. Monterrey, 8:15, FS1)
Not playoffs!
Baseball: SELL THE TEAM! vs. Soto & Pals (OAK vs. NYY, 7:00, Prime)
(If I didn’t have to do makeup lessons all this week, I would have used the tax day flash sale and gotten tickets for $4.15 and started a chant in the top of the 5th. But no, teaching.)
It’s too early for the obligatory hilarious Leafs collapse, that’ll be next week. But it’ll still be potentially funny! And remember not to take your Cybertrucks to the car wash!
Kari and Tory for… Tide.
McJesus and friends will not be denied
Until overtime.
Correction, they will be actually denied
THE BRICK MEATHOOK REPORT (Sponsored by Valvoline)
Man I just took a major league bath and shower, coupled with the latest metrosexual cleansing products that a man can buy. Brick Meathook, at this moment, is clean as a whistle from stem to stern. My face is so clean and soft I want to fuck the shit out of myself.
Thank you and God bless. Please use Valvoline.
When you do fuck the shit out of yourself, make sure to lube up with the right Valvoline for the job. New to fucking yourself, or maybe you have been gently used a slight, maybe go with a synthetic 10-40. For a well-seasoned fuckee, try a thicker lube that will last on those high mileage sphincters with slightly less leakage.
Counts even if you did it accidentally
Just got back from a 5 day bender in Phoenix, golfed 3 rounds, didn’t shoot over 94 so that was good, drank waayy too much wine and didn’t get arrested. Job well done by all.
Great job!
This has to be a little weird for Bob Wischusen, calling a home playoff game for a team in green. Can’t possibly be a thing he does for the other half of the year.
/He does radio play by play for the Jets
Bojan Bogdanovic (of the Knicks) got a 3rd place vote for 6th Man of the Year. This is opposed to Bogdan Bogdanovic (of the Hawks) who finished 5th.
Which one was governor?
I have a question here. I know a lot of you are more technically astute than I am, so maybe you can help me.
Have you ever gone into the bathroom to take a bowel movement, but instead of a normal stool giant jets of hot flames came out of your anus; and I don’t mean the bright blue flames of cryogenic hydrogen I mean the deeper red/orange flames of a petroleum distillate such as kerosene, coupled with an oxidizer, which also produced a cloud of thick black smoke?
If you could help me with this it would be great. I’m asking for a friend.
Probably spontaneously creating acetone in your digestive system, eat more carbs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V56geBvma1E
Try eating more oatmeal
I think the only difference here is because you ate some beets. Do less of that and you’ll go back to the bright blue flames of freedom and health.
You need either more capsaicin or less.
You’re under the spell of a powerful wizard.
Not me. The guy with the pointy hat you pissed off.
I was already cursed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xYXUeSmb-Y&pp=ygUSeW91IHNoYWxsIG5vdCBwYXNz
this is some phenomenal leafs schadenfreude, even by their standards
We still need another game 7. Let’s go!
Every game of the series must go at least one more OT period than the previous game.
That’s (Not My) Leafs!
oh noes, we shall have The Canadia in moUrning eh?
*celebrating FTFY
oh now, don’t go putting on a brave face for Murrika
I keep seeing ads for Knuckles, so I have to keep asking: How do you lock on Knuckles to the Sonic the Hedgehog 3 movie, creating a super-ultra version, Sonic 3 & Knuckles?
At least they don’t have to rename the porn parody
Fun fact: I used to work with a guy whose nickname was “Knuckles”.
Yes, there was a story behind it …
FUCKING ZOMBIE HEAT!
Post Game 1: “The Celtics won’t drop a game until the conference finals.”
Well then.
this leafs/fackin broooins game is such a great hate watch
a bertuzzi scores a super lucky goal, marchand scores and earlier did a blatant trip while a goal was scored
so many hateable assholes scoring and pissing off so many hateable fans
Nothing about this is a net positive.
Unless a meteor hits.
the best possible outcome is boston losing
the funniest possible outcome is the leafs losing
Fuck Brad Marchand. But also, I can confirm he’s negatively affecting the Maple Leafs playoff chances.
Anyone have any suggestions for a complete paucity of motivation?
cocaine
Enjoy! Once every 4 hours try to get up and move a little if your vices aren’t at hand.
A combination of alcohol, opiates, motor vehicles, and firearms.
Works like a charm.
Today I learned about wacky tomato varieties like the Berkeley Tyedye
Lovely Anarchist symbol in the middle. But then I usually end up in voluntarily incarcerated in a mental hospital after each Rorschach test.
Anarchist symbol, huh? I was seeing the KOA campground logo, during a hurricane. Tomato, Tomahto!
Here’s an outstanding video of some Scandinavian guy using medieval craftsmanship to create a knife from old drill bits (which are themselves composed of extremely high quality alloys).
I hate watching the welding part because I was the shittiest welder who ever existed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tppn5RsEK78
But will it keal?
What does this mean for the Toronto Maple Leafs?
Was it Horatio that recced The Wager? That tome is so engaging, I’m done with all you beautiful bastards tonight so I can bury myself in it again.
It’s next in line.
I’m currently reading The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store by James McBride and it is fantastic.
I haven’t read that one but it’s on my list. Same guy wrote ‘Killers of the Flower Moon’ so you’re obviously in good hands.
I did just recently read this book, about another voyage that ends badly. Would recommend.
If I had a time machine, I’d teach Spanish to tWBS. Patiently—pft. I taught medieval Spanish Lit. to 9th grade adolescents. 🍰!
2. And the send this to tWBS in the time machine
So, the latest Bears stadium proposal actually looks decent, but I rolled my eyes so many times during the pitch video that I think they’re sprained now. They legit use the word ‘synergies’
https://youtu.be/t-UJMSnUbHk?feature=shared
Really? “Synergies” is something I look for in a quality stadium.
“Synergies” pretty much guarantees that multiple 50+ white guys were involved, as one would expect.
$5 billion! Goddamn!
Yeah, and apparently ‘there will be no new taxes to fund this stadium’ LOLOLOL
Bonds aren’t directly taxes, right? The technically correct crowd is likely all over this.
Public bonds are property taxes in California. You pay them with your property tax bill twice a year.
Public pensions are a whole whopping 40% funded right now, so they can totally use that money then do yet another bond issue to cover the pension shortfall
hey, the old microsoft flight simulator stomping grounds, meigs field (RIP)
I hate the rahrah brospeak, but the stadium itself looks pretty rad. I can see why they want it, they’ll never get a Super Bowl to come to Chicago in February without something domish, and that alone is worth megabongobucks to the city.
Let’s hear it for them carrier boys:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uLpZXnXp8c
I’m just hoping that MILF-Hunter Z joining the Donks is the only embarrassing QB room news this week.
Hippo REALLY no likey JJ McCarthy, nor Bo Nix in the 1st
PUPDATE: We have found a favorite stick. Super important development y’all.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6KeXuIvFjF/?igsh=MWhhdmpoZGI0OHViMw==
It’s important to walk softly and carry a big stick. But it’s waaaaay more important to be a cute puppy!
Roundtable Question at the 1st Intermission: “The Leafs and Bruins are tied at 0-0. How will Austen Mathews feel about this, looking back from Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals in June?”
I’m torn about this series. On the one hand, thanks to all you Canadians, I’ve learned to hate the Leafs. On the other hand, as soon as the Bruins leave the worst play-by-play guy in sports, Jack Edwards, will retire.* It’s a real conundrum.
*Edwards is retiring due to some sort of neurological health issue, which sucks, but when healthy Edwards was a total hack who rendered games unlistenable. Hope he gets healthy and stays retired.
Agreed, except for the last part. Edwards likes to cheer for players’ injuries, so fuck him, I hope he dies a miserable and painful death.
I have not heard that from him, although that’s true of most things because I can rarely last more than 5 minutes when he’s on.
If true, fuck that guy. That’s absolute bullshit from an announcer.
Fun fact: The Kraken play-by-play guy (John Forslund, imported from Carolina) is rumoUred to be heading there to replace him. Would be a great loss.
Jerry Jones is getting ready to draft him again.
https://twitter.com/JosinaAnderson/status/1783270566977306658
They’re going to give him 10 mil guaranteed over two years and draft an RB in the 2nd round and I will laugh for three days straight.
ESPN has the Giants drafting Bo Nix at #33, which may limit how many days straight you laugh.
/someone will almost certainly take Bo Nix in the mid-to-late first round, and then I will laugh for three days straight. Unless it’s Dallas. Then it wouldn’t be funny.
Nice try. Bo Nix is a protein-rich cereal for weightlifters. You’ve not heard the tagline? “Bo Nix! For Big Biceps!”
I thought it was the trade name of the medication for treating boneitis
You’re both wrong, it’s a prophylactic spray to keep multi-sport athletes away.
I’ll join you. Or we can laugh in shifts so our abs don’t cramp up from the hilarity!
https://ibb.co/Yp1km1T
I was born in Rochester, NY and lived there until I was 3. One of my earliest memories is snow above my head. Granted, I was short, but still!
Once I was in a gas station in Manchester, CT. A guy pulls up and starts asking where the airport is. We start giving him directions to Bradley, which is relatively close. He’s completely confused, insisting that can’t be right.
I happen to look at his car and see NY plates. I ask if he’s from the city. Indeed he is. I ask a follow-up question “Do you think you’re in Manchester, New Hampshire right now?”
Also yes. There’s a pause as everyone who’d been giving him directions takes that in, then we break the news that he’s got about another 2-3 hours of driving.
And that’s how I learned that Manchester, NH apparently has an airport.
I’ve flown into there. It’s obviously tiny, but otherwise extremely nice (or at least it was twenty or so years ago).
I have most of a final round interview tomorrow and it’s going to be in person! I’m VERY happy I’ll get to use a whiteboard, especially for the system design portion. This office is only about 4 miles from me, 15 minutes during peak rush hour, and they are in-office T/W/R. One team member is out of town, so that’s why it’s only most of the final round, there will be an additional 30 minutes coding interview some time later.
Are you not worried that using a whiteboard will expose you to accusations of being racist? Prideboards are the new thing. smh…
Dry-erase board? I’m sure the markers will be multicultural
I’ll give you 10 ( ten) American bucks if you draw a dick on it!
They probably would have been better just saying that Anne roots for Arsenal, as do all good and worthy people.
https://twitter.com/guardian/status/1783142125770592533
On that note, Fuck yeah, Toffees!!!
The gist of the WSJ article I linked below is the difference between the compact mobile QBs of today vs the tall stationary pocket QBs of yesterday.
RGIII in his first years was absolutely outstanding – until lethal NFL defensive players ended that. Tom Brady, on the other hand, stood tall like a statue behind a rock-solid O-line and lasted 23 seasons and won about a dozen NFL championships.
RG3 was so fun to watch, but he didn’t survive long enough to learn how to protect himself. I feel like the ability to come back from major injury is an important qualification for a top tier QB to have nowadays. Every single QB drafted in the first round over the past few years has missed multiple games due to injury, with exception of Jordan Love
That’s like learning how to recover from a gunshot wound.
It ain’t gonna happen.
Oh I don’t think it’s something that can be learned, but if they were horribly injured during college and came back successfully that should count in their favor nowadays
Joe Namath
https://www.wsj.com/sports/football/nfl-draft-quarterbacks-caleb-williams-jayden-daniels-drake-maye-jj-mccarthy-656ae9af?st=elu8odidbfs3egx&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink
Above is a pretty good article (a free gift link from my subscription) about QBs in the draft, from the vaunted sports section of The Wall Street Journal.
We’d also have accepted:
And also…
They’re also more than likely taking another TE, the Bowers kid out of Georgia, so that’ll give the fans a chance to reenact their reaction to the infamous ‘take-Kyle-Brady’ahead-of-Warren-Sapp’ decision.
Except that Bowers is actually good.