Lesser Footy Merde Platter

Because that’s what my mind is full of, and not just because the poop-loving Germans have sent a representative to the Shempions Final.  It’s not Bear Team, no!  It’s the spunky island of misfit toys, the Yellow Wall of Borussia Dortmund (spoiler alert – more Bo content to follow!).

Sadly, they stand in the way of a runaway freight train, likely Don Carlo’s career capstone if the Real Cuntfaces of Madrid win.  Anything can happen in a one-off, but still.  This is basically Purdue’s hoopsball team leaning into the 2023-24 UConn buzzsaw.  It’s on CBS, 10:00 EST.

Enjoy, because it is the last footy for like what, two weeks?  Anyway, I let Ballsy assign me two sides to half-preview!

Better Kinda Sorta Know a Euros Sudamericano Participant – Bolivia!

Somewhere, there has to be a married couple where the husband is named “Bo” and the wife goes by “Livia?”  Seems that would surely happen once or twice in rural Alabama.

But back to the footy side.  This landlocked party crew is 85th in the FIFA rankings.  Is that good?

In 2023-24 friendlies/WC qualifiers, they have won exactly twice.  Home against Peru (2-nil), and a no doubt 1-nil neutral site thriller over mighty Andorra.  Perusing their squad list, I recognize….absolutely nobody.

I know they play most of their home matches at pretty extreme altitude (La Paz be La High y’all), so maybe they will have MOAR energy than their foes.  But competitively, since winning Los Euros Sudamericano in 1963, they’ve been the continent’s Northwestern.

Still, there is a pathway to the knockout rounds, given their easy group.  The Bastard Man USMNT is the “Pot 1” rep in Group C, which is kind of absurd.  DonT’s Uruguayan homeys should win this group quite easily.  But Panama is the remaining side, so anyone could end up in 2nd (please don’t be the dipshit Murrikans).  Maybe they can kidnap and beat the tar shit out of Alexi Lalas.  This must do, Bo.

Better Kinda Sorta Know a European Euros Participant – Belgium!

Oh, dear Belgium.  You once were Hippo’s side piece (despite having no front piece PHRASING) in international play.  Roberto Martinez managing Romelu Lukaku, like my bestest Everton memories.  But like late-tenure Everton, Roberto’s train of positivity fell into absolute shit.

Enter Domenico “Panic! At” Tedesco, who I have never heard of.  He’s managed at the club level in Germany and Putinland, and they somehow are still 3rd in the FIFA ratings.  Nobody has them winning the tourney, though.  Their “2nd Golden Generation” is well past it, some retired and others (Lukaku, Witsel, The Broom, Vertonghen) are on the downslope.  But that doesn’t mean they are bereft of talent – it’s just at the “emerging” level of their careers.  But Gooner hero Leandro Trossard is in his prime, and playing the best footy of his club career.

Those emerging faces to watch for?  City of Men’s supersub Jeremy Doku (could speak in class today) down the wing, and Amadou Onana (too good to play for Everton another season) and Zooropa Champion Charles De Ketelaere (Lesser Falacons, in case you ain’t notice last midweek) in midfield.  Either can play the #8 role, with some versatility (CDK plays as a 10 quite often, Onana is menacing as a 6), so they’ll be watchable and fun.

It’s just….their backline sucks donkey balls.  Old and bad.  Not likely to be picked apart badly enough in the group (E) stage by the likes of Romania, Slovakia, and Ukraine (remember, most of the 3rd place sides will still advance) – but I predict PAIN! at the knockout stage.