I don’t fucking feel like in-depth writing (fuck off, world and everything in it), so here is a list of weekend European Euros matchups and a half-assed thought on each:
Don T: But first hi, HI. The King opened the floor to write about the European Euros and with me being high on life and a bit disoriented, yeah. Let’s do it. This is relatively new stuff I’ve seen on the 2024 Euros:
-Two teams playing and then both celebrating after the game ends, definitely new thing. It happened in Slovakia 1 : 1 Romania. Dueling, real celebrations with hamming and showboating and exuberance and everything, none of that sober sportsmanship handshakes and unemotional crap. This was because of the
-Biggest Group Play Shaftening: Ukraine.
It had to happen to a country fighting a war of invasion at home, which seems graver than an NFL wild card runner-up having a better record than the winner of the NFL South divisions. Falling to 4th place eliminated Ukraine, no matter the points. This is the sort of 100% automatic application of a clear rule that seems fair in theory, until the worst-case scenario materializes. And as long as fútbol continues its abhorrent practice of outlawing attorneys from whatabouting knockout seedings on behalf of countries, there will be injustices galore. Galore!
Truth be told, the last 15 minutes of SLO : ROM seemed a bit collusion-y, a tiny smidge collusion-y. Mmhumm.
-Only team captains may bitch to the Ref about calls, or it’s a yellah. This is a new thing, and I like it. I don’t remember a player being on the ref’s face ever being effective or entertaining. This keeps the action brisk and is amusing when a total whiner like Cristiano Ronaldo is team captain.
Ballsy: ¡Hola! A mi también me dieron oportunidad de agregar mis opiniones. Eso de sólo hablar con los capitanes es una idea genial. Ya era hora.
-Shit thrown on the field: In old videos (for example, the ’78 Mundial in Argentina), you could see the players going through toilet paper, blackjacks, used condoms, and other stuff thrown on the field. 1993, flares get banned, again. Then for a while nothing happened–until now, Euro 2024. In almost every corner kick, you can see cups being thrown and several on the pitch. Buffalo, NY, it’s now up to you to export the dildo toss. Well, the dildo toss IP; there’s gotta be plenty of fake dicks at the Germany Euros right now.
-It’s raining, men. Is it me or has there been rain in most games? I don’t remember seeing much gaffes brought about the weather. I expected to see a wet ball going through a keeper’s hands. Still waiting. In sum, rain’s fine, not awesome or nuthin’–yet.
-The Serbs were offended by the chant “Kill, kill, kill, kill the Serb” and heh, threatened [snickers] to withdraw from
Stop it! Aaaaah. 😅 Anyway, the Serbs played on and left the Euros for vanilla fútbol reasons, not snowflakiness. A happy ending: the Serbs’ image* remains intact.
*Mass murderers to be burned about that until fielding an interesting or successful fútbol team. Why can’t you be like those nice German Volk?
-O.G.Palooza: Own gosls up every wazoo! Though I have the feeling that we’ve been here before. 2018 Russia Mundial? May check later. Anyway, own goals wooo! I like ’em.
[lights extra incense on Bielsa shrine]
Switzerland v. Italy (Noon, FS1)
King Hippo: I don’t particularly care for either side, but at least the Eye-Ties gave us a moment of magic, salvaging their lives on matchday 3 with the very last kick of the ball.
Don T: For the Swiss in Euro 2024, Shaqiri already scored his goal–look away, Scotland fans:
With this, Switzerland burned out all of its potential flair at fútbol. Italy has yet to impress offensively, and will not in this game. This is a perfect game to have in the background while filling out expense reports or doing other dull but necessary work. The tWBS goes to Italy, 1-0 after a quick counter of a Swiss errant pass.
Ballsy: Italia va a ganar feo. Yo digo 1-0 y TWBS se ríe entre dos baristas.
Germany v. Denmark (3:00, Fox)
King Hippo: Home-team Krauts get the butch side of the draw, but at least they won’t have to worry about missing out on the Flacco Eight.
Don T: I read somewhere that the German coach, whatshisname former Bayern guy (Needleman?), has been the best coach of the Euros. Still, Germany is hawt, can confim. I saw Denmark’s first two group games. I was unimpressed, leaning towards apathy. Now I’m angry that they went to the knockouts. GER 2 : 1 DEN (on O.G. Danes can’t even score on a Middle School. At soccer. You’re fucking sick.).
Ballsy: Alemania va a ganar este torneo. Es obvio. La única pregunta es cuántos goles anotarán. Yo digo que hoy meten 3.
Inglen v. Slovakia (Sunday Noon, Fox)
King Hippo: Oh boy howdy, is this ever gonna be a shitty match. Cuck LioUns will get a first half goal, then hide up their own arseholes the rest of the way.
Don T: To sum up: England has the 2024 scorer of the year in the Bündesliga (Kane), the 2024 Player of the Year in Spain (Bellingham), and the 2024 Player of the year in the EPL (Foden). And yet, England play… It’s an insult to the word “play”, which implies games, fun, diversions–everything that is the opposite of the nervy, tight, stressful, and fearful performances to date. In the last Euros, Luis Enrique’s Spain faced a serious dry spell. Luis Enrique said his players were talented and all they needed was one goal, and the rest would flow thereafter “like cava”. Well England’s wines suck and if they wanna play scared, fuck them.
Slovakia defeated Belgium 1-0, the Belsh being another “It” team with high expectations but crappy on the pitch. I think Englen will play looser AND suffer for it, and revert to blah. ENG 1 : 1 SLO (Englen advances on PKs).
Ballsy: Inglaterra tiene el peso del mundo encima de ellos. Es como si las novias les están constantemente diciendo, “¿Porque no te pones duro? ¿Ya no me quieres?” Demasiada presión. O pierden hoy o pierden en el próximo juego, pero van a perder.
Spain v. Georgia (Sunday 3:00, Fox)
King Hippo: I was looking forward to this one, before seeing that Espana beat the Fightin’ Stalins 7-1 earlier this year. In Tblisi..
Austria is really the only hope for anything legitimately fun to watch and get behind.
Don T: Around halftime of the game against Italy, I recanted on my Spain hate and underestimation. Right now, España is the best watch at the Euros. I’ve seen all three Georgia games. In the first game, against Turkey, Jawja was playing back and careful and shit, until the got scored on 1-0 at 25′. Then Georgia loosened and attacked the rest of the game, the 3-1 being on an empty netter. Georgia plays to score and to win. The recent 2-0 win was against Poutugal B+, but half the second team of POR is pretty damn good. But yeah, it was a low stakes game for POR. This game will be great. ESP 3 : 2 GEO. Thanks Hippo!
Ballsy: No hay quinto malo.
King Hippo: As for Los Euros Sudamericano, there are two legitimate, pretty badass teams (Uruguay, Colombia) and a whole fuckton of fucking dross. Murrika’s weather, empty cavernous stadia, and stupid teeny pitches don’t help matters none. I really don’t care. so long as Bielsa sends Team USA out of el torneo.
Ballsy: Uruguay es el mejor equipo de este torneo. Tal vez sean el mejor equipo en el mundo ahorita. Va a ser sorpresa si pierden un juego. ¡Más les vale que le ganen a Estados Unidos!
#BFIB series with the Dirt Bungles, to date:
Thurs – Get murdered
Fri – Win 1-nil, on a sacrifice fly to SHORTSTOP
Sat – Ace pitcher on mound, losing 8-1
No doubt, we’ll win tomorrow (by 1 baseball point), hold serve in the sad WC race with a series split and like -15 run differential.
Kroos Kross will make ya JUMP JUMP!
Not me. All they did was make me cross.
Reminds me, one of our FF contests should give out a “STAND for the flag, KNEEL for the cross” t-shirt as a prize. Because ppl forget that!!111
Originally thought I did not adequately brown the legs. Then the phone filter made it look less bad and now I am safe from salmonella.
James Beard 50 Cloves?
Looks familiar.
Rosy Chicken Surprise! Formerly known as known as E Coli Chicken.
Man, if you’ve ever eaten “not so great” chicken, you won’t EVAR forget or forgive. I haven’t eaten at Bojangles in 25-30 years.
I took a big bite into a raw chicken sandwich at Zaxby’s once. Haven’t been to one since.
Dortmund, artist’s depiction
Blitzkrieg!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WcG4x_yif0
Looks like Don T got his weather wish!
That’s how you make the future happen: you will it into existence. Italy’s loss only proves its backwardness #Obvio
Sure would be nice to get some anal next weekend…
Help me out, here. The players are still on the touch line. The supporters are still in the stands. Isn’t this stupid goddamned weather break just INCREASING the collective exposure?
(and off they go down teh tunnel so nvm)
Where’s Powder when you need him?
At this point in the preseason, I’ll settle for
Black Powder might be Hippo’s favoUrite nomenclature
Touch of Downs 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Found a funny:
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
https://youtu.be/ifqqp7kH_tQ?si=D1B8S5QhX2H8nJeH
Memories of I’m Gonna Git You Sucka!
Yeah, after that bolt of lightning you’re definitely stopping the game, especially when one of the players is running around with a pacemaker.
But I thought Germans *liked* lightning! For example, I read that this “44” jersey was incredibly popular because the 4’s looked like lightning bolts.
I will now be looking for “44” in the crowd. Fox will have no problem showing ’em.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ANbZsnjx9Q
If Denmark can win this game I’ll have an excuse to fly the Danish flag, (no, it is *not* a flattened out box of Entemman’s Raspberry Twist), that I bought when I thought we were part Danish, then Dad did one of those DNA tests and we found out we’re part Norwegian instead.
Who the FUCK thinks it’s OK to play a subwoofer at high volumes in an apartment building for hours on end? I’m getting those assholes evicted post haste.
Is she using it as a vibrator?
It’s a he. I’d like to violently introduce him to one and then burn this place to the ground.
Cleansing fire. HOLY fire.
Poked buttholes
.
I think it’s OK.
Mostly because I live in a house and it doesn’t affect me in the slightest.
It’s like a new club just opened upstairs.
Also, the median house price in my area is just a bit over 2 million.
Do what I did and buy a house from an estate where neither of the beneficiaries lives in-state and they both just want to get it over with.
Also makes sure you travel back in time and do this 30 years ago. That’s probably the most important part.
When I moved here 15 years ago the houses were 400k to 500k and I didn’t want to spend that much money on a house.
So it’s went from I don’t want to spend that much to I literally cannot spend that much.
When we were stationed in western Washington in the mid 80’s, we had friends who bought a house in Kingston for 90k. We thought that was outrageously expensive. That house is worth over a million today- 3 bed, 2 bath split level.
Well clearly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk
Common misconception; she was actually singing about her favorite pair of penny loafers:
Personally, I’m all about the bass, ’bout that bass, no tilapia.
Let me send my upstairs neighbor there before you burn it down.
Don’t want to miss a good opportunity.
TRUTH – Hippo is totes rooting for the Krauts here, because Kasper Schmeichel was such a dick on Footy Manager.
I’m rooting for Eriksen’s pace maker
to keep working, or to give the Clubhouse a bonding opportunity?
The second one, of course. Moar twitching feet!
There is lightning in the area!!
“That thing with Schmeichel was a real schmozzle” — Hassenpfeffer Inc.
I don’t know why this comment made me so happy, but it did!
Germany is looking really good. It’s only a matter of time until the first goal goes in. That should open up the floodgates.
Taj is watching a recorded MMA card and I noticed one of the fighters was named Johnny Walker.
I thought that was appropriate because he’s gonna be red, black and blue when the bout is over.
Best record collection ever:
https://ibb.co/HFx1vgV
Reminds me that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had (as far as I know) the most extensive jazz album collection and it went up in flames.
“For the last time, I didn’t have anything to do with Kareem’s record collection disappearing!”
-Buddy Cole
“They’re organized autobiographically” — John Cusack’s character from High Fidelity
If any folk haven’t gone back and read the book, it was awesome (with a bit of unfortunate misogyny, but not to much that it overwhelms).
Yeah, and Fever Pitch and A Long Way Down are pretty good too
I hate that movie. Cusack’s character is the kind of person who should be beaten to death before he can breed.
I like the film, but it’s definitely a story of a guy realizing that he’s been the idiot in his relationships.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9zRlpQj4DM
Krauts! Large Dogs with Boundary Issues!! WHO YA GOT???
/maybe consider that this stadium in Dortmund recently hosted the greatest bottle job in Bundesliga history
As a result of this, “Forza Azzuri” shall be replaced with “Burnout Azzuri” until further notice.
Europe speaks to its defending champion…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vimZj8HW0Kg
Watching the Italians has conjured up an old memory
Playing basketball at the Y in Ottawa, there was one day every week whereby 5 man teams showed up and played each other to 15 points. One time two teams composed of first generation Italian guys faced off and the game took forever because after every play there were arguments about who fouled who/did the bucket count/where the ball should be inbounded and on and on. Eventually, all the teams on the sidelines told them to fuck off and they never came back.
The only time I gave a crap about soccer as a kid was when Baggio missed that kick and all the Italians in my hometown finally shut up.
Baggio got pistol whipped last week during a home invasion. Gotta give him credit, he took on two of the five armed dudes until subdued.
What?
Yep. His villa was robbed with him and the family in it last week while they were watching the Spain game. He got 9 stitches in the ER after he busted out of the room the locked him, his wife and kids in. 5 Guys got away with watches, jewelry and cash. They left his memorabilia… must not have been big fans.
That sucks!
Some say that ball still hasn’t come back down.
I’m sure that Fagioli dude had just a SWELL time in middle school.
Yeah no kidding. His last name means “beans.”
THIS ITALIAN TEAM I CALL IT BIDEN’S DEBATE, BECAUSE IT’S SUCH AN EMBARRASSINGLY BAD PERFORMANCE IT MAY WELL LEAD TO A DISASTROUS CHANGE IN GOVERNMENT!!
Why would the Italian coach choose so many players that had low pain tolerance thresholds to their lower bodies to the national team?
I’d have those wussies wearing mouth pieces. And if they showed any pain I would substitute them in a heartbeat.
When WW3 breaks out, the Nation of DFO is gonna elect you and blax as our field generals.
We are ready.
https://youtu.be/04F4xlWSFh0?si=FrUPt1bHBNw-8Ot1
Spoiler Alert:
No one in the DFO Nation paid the least bit of attention to them.
Actual film coverage.
https://youtu.be/TPBOGckVXTE?si=EQgWOjHgF96SuyTb
Eye-Ties deserve to go out FOAR doing the wave. In 2024!
This is MAAAH-ginally better! – Some quality passive aggressive shhhhaaaaadddde
¡PALO!
Bastone!
That was a motherfucking strike right there!
– a former Pinkerton, reminiscing
Still have to like the Italians’ chances. I hear the Swiss defense is full of holes.
…
…
What? Too cheesy?
I see what you fondid there.
I’m not particularly fondue of these puns.
Anyway, here’s Alison Brie.
Edam, she’s lovely! Be stilton, my heart!
It stinks. Is great!
Hey, I would have been happy if you just thought it was gouda!
Down by a goal, the Italians are forced to do the worst thing possible-make the game interesting to watch.
Great save by the Italian keeper on that banger of a free kick.
he’s Man of the Match, win or lose
Italians demanding a yellow card on the grass there
Remo, you’re my hero!
/Italy has to do the worst thing ever for them-make the game interesting.
See what happens when you let them hang around your goal too long.
“Oh how I wish that were true.” – Kellen Clemens, speaking to you live from the friendzone.
LIKE CHOCOLATE!
Reminding myself that it’s not St. Vincent the island’s fault that St. Vincent the “musician” exists.
Apparently Beryl is a grower, not a shower.
I’m not gonna lie-I have an overwhelming desire to explain the double meaning of ‘shower’ in this joke.
off-tune guitar, followed by atonal shrieking intensifies
SO ARTISTIC!
Oh I get to have this shit here too? ImI should have stayed at work!
That’s not a real map, where’s the Sharpie?
Donnaruma sure works hard FOAR teh money
As opposed to Dramarama, who will work for food.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqBjG2PnFTQ
Or Bananarama, who…you KNOW smh
Um…I don’t. Will they work for bananas?
#TehImplication
That’s what Bananarama told me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-DZQ80vEVI
Swiss coach has got the big hair goin on.
Dunno their names, but the commentary crew working GER/SWI is Fox’ best, and I don’t think it’s particularly close.
THIS 2024 SWISS EURO TEAM I CALL THEM A 1930’S SWISS BANKING TEAM BECAUSE THE ITALIANS SEEM CONTENT TO LET THEM DOMINATE THE POSSESSION GAME.
Two minutes in and the hand gesturing and shoulder shrugging by the Eyetalians has begun.
Dude, it started in warmups!
aaayyyyy, I’m STRETCHING over here!
wassamatta with-a you hamstring-a?
I had a steak last night for the first time since having prime rib on Christmas Day. My son put Montreal steak seasoning on it (way too much) and it was still glorious.
/it was a bone-in ribeye-I told him, ‘only salt and pepper next time or you’re out the door”. I was only half-serious
A better punishment would be to take *his* steak and eat that too. You know, to teach him a lesson.
I had them cut to 20 ounces. I’m a pig for steak but that’s a bit much even for me.
OR, you could fuck his mom. That’s the totes alpha move, bruh.
That’s what LeBron did with the kid the Lakers just drafted. Gotta show him who runs the team.
Good on him for trying.
He’s 22 and only in the last six months has he gotten into cooking. He has so much to learn and many more mistakes in front of him.
/my wife wanting to put steak sauce on striploins IS NOT HELPING
Tough, but fair.
Does this also mean that the other players can’t mob the ref and put their hands on him to get his attention? Always shocked me that soccer players are allowed to do that — pretty much any other sport I can think of, deliberately touching an official like that is a huge no-no, but in soccer they’re constantly pawing at them like a teenage boy.
That’s the idea…
NEVER FORGET
Let he who is without Malort cast teh first dildo.
“Are you talking about my last game with the Portland Kingfishers, when we played against the Anaheim Orange? Of course I’ll never forget that game, I threw eleven home runs that night!” – Trent Green
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnTjs0heRJo
I hope Spain doesn’t have to rely on a cava simile this year. There’s been drought for the past few years and if you water the vines at all you lose your designations controlee and can’t call it cava anymore. Up to 2/3 of the vines are dying an the big producers for export like Freixnet have done massive furloughs. Hopefully they recover and continue to have a delicious and dirt cheap traditional method sparkler!
Now that I think of it, both Spain and Georgia have some of my favorite foods and wines, I declare that the MOST DELICIOUS GAME
Switzerland really dragging down the Italians in the deliciousness competition.
I like fondue as much as the next person, and chocolate quite a bit less than the next person, so yeah, they are for sure pulling down the average of the whole tourney
Schnitzel is tasty but I’m not sure I need to spend more than 3 days in Suisse when France and Spain and Italy are a train ride away.
It’s funny how widely wine production varies. One time during an Australian vineyard tour, I asked if they irrigated or relied on dry farming. The guy looked at me as if I was insane, like we’re practically in a fucking desert mate, of course we irrigate.
In Lanzarote they build these sort of moisture funnels in the volcanic soil for each vine so they can get a decent amount of water off dew
Better picture to see the funnelness, it also creates a windbreak
Put me down for Bronny to win ROTY.
Bad bet. One of his teammates is sleeping with his mom – there’s no way he’ll flourish in such a fractured locker room.
Not just sleeping with, they’re blatantly flaunting their relationship in the press! Shocking!
I’ve heard it’s been going on for years. And Laker management hasn’t said a peep.
“That’s really not as big a deal as you think it would be.” — Corey Perry
I’ll take that bet. He’s not going to get significant play time
He’ll get however much PT Old Man LeBron dictates. One presumes that was made clear to Dan Hurley, and that is why JJ Reddick is their coach instead.
The NBA is basically the pro wrestling of major sportsball leagues. Fittingly, Rob Manfred is trying to NBA-ize el beisbol. Because he’s an Intergalactic Disgrace, you see.
Wrestling is a good analogy because that whole Lakers thing is a fucking side show.
I don’t really care about the Lakers either way (or basketball for that matter), but it seems a bad move to give even a guy as good as Lebron de facto control over your entire organization.
¡Me pongo duro!
I learned a new phrase today!
Now I want to hear that scene in Goon dubbed in Spanish. I’m gonna go ahead and not look for it on Google at the moment…
I still get weird channels it seems. I’m currently watching the Neepawa Tigers junior volleyball girls team kicking some ass. Looks like it’s a 1st Nations high school.
/Neepawa is in Manitoba, somewhere near Portage la Prairie on Hwy 5.
I recently found out that a girl I played with as a kid (we’d see them in the summers) that later became a volleyball star in college is now married to the head coach of the Denver Nuggets.
Looks like their daughter is pretty good too.
Michelle Hunziker is a popular TV personality here. She is Swiss – Italian so I’m sure she will be torn here this evening. I would offer her our help… you know… keep things in a typical Clubhouse perspective for the confused lady.
well, well, well My Micheeeeellllle!*
*though pretty sure the reality, unlike the song version, ain’t got no penis
Let me get you a greasy bistecca and a tub of chocolate gelato STAT. Just to get started on the winter body, querida.
I am surprised at the AFL scores from last night
BTW, simulación PERFECTA de ansiedad sexual 🤣🤣🤣
Please don’t say anything more; the highlight package isn’t up yet.