Before The Deluge: Your Pre-Season Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Yes, the Deluge. Is it a reference to Jackson Browne or was I riffing on a song/poem by Arthur Rimbaud who was probably referencing something (the Flood?) in the Bible? Come for the dickjokery, stay for some oblique crap. But yes, I was thinking that we get a wee taste of what’s to come with the Hall of Fame Game. Soon we’ll all of us be balls and ovaries deep in NFL action and as has been happening for a couple few decades now, I’m excited once again. You won’t see that many starters tonight but you will see some rooks and other guys that have been on the periphery of other teams, maybe even yours!

Speaking of, qb Stroud will sit this one out so Davis Mills will likely be the starter. It’s been quite the humbling journey for him since he started his first two years in the league and then was quickly shunted to the side. Why is he still with the team? Experience and still labouring under his rookie deal is my guess.

Caleb Williams is also a no-show. Is it because he hasn’t quite got the hang of a new system? Or maybe it’s due to the o-line tonight being mostly comprised of camp bodies?

The Bears seem to be headed in the right direction but I’ll defer to the author of the team preview. New coach Waldron is another one of those young-ish guys that ran a successful defensive or offensive unit and interviewed well. Good luck!

There’s some useless trivia that bodes well for the Bears this year-each time they’ve played the opening game of the preseason they’ve gone on to the playoffs.

At the very, very least a footed ball fan should tune in to see how the new kickoff rule looks in reality.

Lastly, as the site starts to kick it into a higher gear we need to thank all those that posted on a regular basis and kept things going during the Dog Days. I can’t remember any of their names but they did a good.

Have fun out there.

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Horatio Cornblower

The referee was pretty terrible, and probably shouldn’t have awarded either penalty kick to Morocco, but Morocco was also clearly better, by a lot, then the US, so at best they would have lost 2-0 instead of 4-0.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It sucks that the Moroccan Muslim God is more powerful than the American Christian God.

blaxabbath

Fucking 9/11 Morocco and their diving nonsense….

Horatio Cornblower

They’re clearly trans.

BugEyedBoo

.

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WCS

I’m timing how long it takes before someone calls to complain about how loud the water falling out of the sky is, and to make it stop.

LemonJello

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blaxabbath

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before — when there was the tsunami and Fukushima went on the fritz (2011?), I was in some place where it was being aired on cable news.

Girl in the room saw what was happening on the news, looked to her group of friends, and said, with ‘real concern’ in her voice, “Someone needs to do something about all these natural disasters.”

It was a pivitol moment in my life. I didn’t appreciate that you could live on Earth with all of us and think that said Earth could be controlled with anything but virgin sacrifices. But then to realize this woman — we’ll call her Jane Voter — actually sees “someone should do something” as fulfilling her part in, let’s face it, Every Single Clause of the Royal Social Contract, it made me open my eyes. If I’m never gonna fuck this chick. And she’s objectively dumb so she offer anything in an intellectual capacity– why do we even bother with these twats?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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blaxabbath

RFK Jr needs to start retreating these.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve seen the video of the Italian woman quitting the boxing match against the Algerian woman who is now being accused of being trans, and I have the following opinion:

The Italian woman was right to quit, because if you throw a wildly telegraphed right hook while keeping your left down at your hips for reasons known only to yourself and whatever dipshit god you worship you’re going to get repeatedly smashed in the face by anyone with an even rudimentary knowledge of fighting and you’re just going to get hurt.

The trans thing is, of course, just whiny bullshit made up by someone who couldn’t cut it and desperately needs an excuse for why they wasted so much of their lives.

SonOfSpam

One of the Fox News incels was wondering why Kamala hadn’t commented on it yet.

No, for real.

blaxabbath

“Just wondering…” does not convey, to me, a true thirst for knowledge that must be quenched.

More that dummy glued to the chair wants to swear his lack of physical effort means he’s been busy getting in Mental Reps.

BugEyedBoo

Might have seen it here, ‘JAQing off’.

BugEyedBoo

But wait, there’s more!

The boxing sanctioning body IBO (controlled by a Russian who’s literally President for Life) disqualified the Algerian boxer after she beat a Russian boxer in an international event. They accused her of testing with XY chromosomes. However, the IBO is so corrupt that the IOC stopped using the IBO as their boxing’s sanctioning body, and no longer considered that ruling, or any other IBO ruling, as valid. How crooked do you have to be before the IOC thinks you’re too crooked to work with?

And this sums it up in one tweet.

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BugEyedBoo

And since we’re an equal opportunity ridiculer…

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BugEyedBoo

Blair Witch says hi. I gotta learn how that scroll bar works.

Brocky

Wait, you declare games over after the third quarter?

Matt Ryan

Horatio Cornblower

Trigo Wood Fired Pizza in Willimantic is where I keep my pizza oven.

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If you’re ever in Willimantic, let me know. I will take you there and you will not be disappointed. I may also pick up the tab.

You are on your own when it comes to heroin, however.

SonOfSpam

Not sure where that is, but if it’s near Anaheim, California, I’ll swing by.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve actually been to Anaheim. So explain your bias against Willimantic, sir.

Also, sorry about Mike Trout, who will once again not be playing in October.

Or September.

Or August.

SonOfSpam

Nothing against Willibfe, just no idea where it is.

As for your Trout slander, at least his injury happened early enough to give up. Judge’s broken wrist in mid-September will be devastating.

Mr. Ayo

And now I’m starving. Thanks.

Col. Duke LaCross

Ohhhhhhhh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When the Italian fencing team came out to face the Americans I couldn’t stop myself from hearing this in my head:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vhXa01IAsY

Brocky

Welp, the people have spoken:

DFO, meet Coco

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I’m calling her microdog the destroyer

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey, nice dog. Got any close-ups of the couch? No, no, leave the blanket on.”

-Vance, JD

SonOfSpam

Awwwwww

She’s getting whatever she wants forever.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

She looks furiously adorable. Or adorably furious.

I’ve heard it both ways.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[squeals]

Gumbygirl

The baby! How cute is she?

Brocky

Welp, the people have spoken:

DFO, meet Coco

https://i.postimg.cc/HxZqJQPY/20240801-222443.avif

I’m calling her microdog the destroyer

Brocky

So my mother got a new dog.

Who wants pictures?

Don T

The world*

* except Chad

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought you wrote “dong.”

Either way, yes.

SonOfSpam

“Look at this little guy!”

-Brocky, pantsless

WCS

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SonOfSpam

“hangs dong” is a wonderful underutilized phrase

Don T

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—AGAIN: Mormons run the Espen Deportes wardrobe. For shame. Let’s get some Ann Taylor there at leest ffs1!1!1
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Don T

PD- right wrist 😛

Brocky

NGL… I see the name Ann Taylor…. and I think of someone else:

👁 👄 👁

ballsofsteelandfury

Since when did the NFL turn into NASCAR??

What’s wrong with a little rain???

Horatio Cornblower

This isn’t a real game. The owners aren’t going to let any of their assets players get hurt in a meaningless game.

2Pack

It’s getting real people.

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Mr. Ayo

Truly needs to be burned to the ground, the ashes gathered up, then shot into the sun for this commercial.

ESPN can follow them for rerunning it 5 times in a row for the second time.

fleshwound_NPG

mcdonalds tried ai-drive thrus and it was a shitshow

but if you want an accidental order of 200 doritos locos tacos on some nights, here you go

https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Food/taco-bell-customers-order-voice-ai-drive-thrus/story?id=112468614

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They had an AI dealing with the drive-thru at Carl’s Jr. and it did fine. I asked the employee about it and they said it worked pretty well, which doesn’t surprise me all that much.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, nothing like accidentally emailing a personal financial spreadsheet to a client in lieu of an invoice.

THIS GUY RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM ALEX JONES’ LAWYER…

(not really, she politely informed me that she had noticed the name of the sheet and deleted it without opening it)

SonOfSpam

“Ok, sorry, but why does 53% of your net income go towards vacuum cleaners?”

-Lady, feeling guilty having lied about not opening the file

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Our shopping bill for the month in question was actually gigantic thanks to the Dr. Mrs. visit to her mom and buying a bunch of stuff for her new place. Plus Prime Day.

2Pack

A class act, deserves a discount.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She’s definitely my favorite client. I actually haven’t increased my rates for her in like 10 years.

Horatio Cornblower

Wow, if I mailed my personal financial spreadsheet to a client they’d look at the bottom line, figure they were getting a discount, and pay it.

Brocky

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ArmedandHammered

Thanks, more nightmare fuel.

fleshwound_NPG

fuck watching this game

just watch newly inducted hof member steve mcmichael give us one of the greatest moments of JEST history on mnf way back in 1991

https://youtu.be/9o9T-9Ozz-o?t=8318

fleshwound_NPG

and the J! E! S! T! moments were just getting started from that moment onward

god tier mnf game

BeefReeferLives

When Troy & Joe were talking about Qaaron & the phrase “fourth play of the season” came up I burst out laughing and had quite a good schadenfreudalicious cackle.

Such a great moment. Good times….

Redshirt

If that happens again…

BeefReeferLives

…I will laugh so hard and long (yeah, yeah) that i will not be able to get enough oxygen into my body and will asphyxiate.

Gumbygirl

It will be worth it!

Redshirt

Finally! That 1st Half felt like forever. Can’t believe I got demoted in the DFO Depth Chart and had to go in during the 2nd Half like a common newbie. I used to be somebody in this place, but it’s “what have you done for us lately?”

LemonJello

Time for Keenum to unleash the dragon.

litre_cola

So when Beaty Mixon gets hurt, Cam Akers it is.

Redshirt

Expect to see Akers more than you’d like.

litre_cola

Case Keenum is still a thing!

King Hippo

I was just gonna say “still alive?? WHO KNEW??”

litre_cola

I saw him play at U of H, he torched East Carolina.

King Hippo

There should be an alternate broadcast where they just play oompah music the duration

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This isn’t Milwaukee you philistine

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Horatio Cornblower

One of my favorite strips ever that didn’t involve me waving dollar bills at a woman “just working her way through college.”

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LemonJello

Just a little preseason dose of that classic Bearseschiesse.

King Hippo

yeah, all these special teams formation BLEERGHs are gonna thrill us all

LemonJello

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN CANTON, BABY! YOU’RE GONNA CRY!*

*with apologies to Guns-N-Roses

2Pack

I lead a reckless life.
And I don’t need your advice.

King Hippo

I dunno guys, the Chi**** 3rd string defensing unit don’t look so good.

LemonJello

Don’t fret, they’ll all be back at their regular jobs in a couple weeks.

King Hippo

I mean those Home Depot top shelves ain’t gonna straighten themselves

Unsurprised

My brother and I split a calzone from Vito’s in L.A. before I left, to give you an idea how big those monsters are. We hadn’t had calzones in a while for various reasons, but that made it all the better.

litre_cola

Bombers vs Lions tonight as well. The Cola family battle.

Dunstan

Can’t compare to the bitter Rough Riders – Roughriders rivalry!

King Hippo

I know I will pay too much for Odunze. He will tally 10-15 catches on the season.

Unsurprised

Does “Those Who Are About to Die” get better?

WCS

For those about to rock, do we salute them?

Unsurprised

Just in case people missed it before, but I still think Drew Magary is a disloyal punk-ass bitch.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, there’s a GAME tonight???

WCS

I mean, in the sense that Play Dough is food.

LemonJello

“Why is everyone looking at me?”

-Eli, kicking empty cans under his bunk bed

King Hippo

very much an -ish situmalation

King Hippo

scotchy is too shy a Tory to brag, but a reminder that he won a fantasy matchup last season by acquiring off waivers and starting Brevin Jordan on a whim.

King Hippo

I wanted it run back to EXACTLY the 25. Because Ginger Hammer can get fucked. 3 feet away, FFS.

LemonJello

It’d be ironic if there was a televised fatality on one of these new kick offs.

King Hippo

talk about rain on ur wedding day!

Horatio Cornblower

THAT’S NOT IRONY, ALANIS!!!

King Hippo

oh, YOU!!

/laughs coquettishly

litre_cola

I got a pizza oven for Fathers Day. She is a cruel mistress but once we work out the kinks will be awesome.

King Hippo

#ShameAtHome!

LemonJello

“Kinks? Father’s Day? Look, I just want some quality time with my couch, ok?”

-JDV

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s wonderful!

Horatio Cornblower

My pizza oven works awesome. It’s at a restaurant down the street. I just go in, tell the guy in front of it what I want, comes out perfect every time. Then I exchange money for goods and services.

King Hippo

Randy Gradishar, looking like a produce manager at Whole Foods. You’d NEVAR guess what a fucking maniac that guy was on the pitch.

LemonJello

Looks like someone has awoken from his summer doldrums nap!

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King Hippo

I became a supporter during the Orange Crush era, though probably because of the uniforms and/or being the horsey team.

FUCK OFF, I was two. Two-year olds is stoopid.

Doktor Zymm

Horseys are pretty awesome tho

King Hippo

I am scared of them now, unreasonably (the crippling potential, and I am suoer clumsy)

LemonJello

I somehow forgot how absolutely annoying Joe Buck’s voice is.

litre_cola

Gotta be cleaner the The Seine!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As a Bears fan, this post is the first I’m hearing about this preseason game tonight.

Doktor Zymm

You’ll be able to count the people you’ve heard of that are playing on zero hands

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well that’s a huge relief to Jason Pierre Paul

blaxabbath

THIS GUY JUSTIN PIERRE PAUL I CALL HIM JD VANCE BECAUSE HE CAN’T FIND A GLOVE THAT FITS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a good point, we’ve been too couch-heavy. We need more “latex glove” jokes to balance things out.

LemonJello

Seems strange that Bearseschiesse doesn’t have an opponent for tonight’s tilt. Are they just that bad?

Doktor Zymm

They do frequently seem to be their own worst enemy

WCS

Bearseschiesse 

This will never not make laugh.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It is August fucking 1st and Safeway is already fully festooned for Halloween.

Sometimes I understand JJ Fozz.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’re selling animatronic werewolves at Costco. I heard that Rob Ryan is suing for copyright infringement.

WCS

/a lone howl in the direction of van behind a law office in a strip mall

WCS

For the second consecutive year, the Walmart closest to me had Christmas stuff out in the outdoor section on July 5 or 6.

Last edited 3 months ago by WCS
Doktor Zymm

They have to do it now because September will be time for Christmas crap already

SonOfSpam

But I’m still celebrating Whacking Day.

(yes it’s exactly what you think)

Unsurprised

Fozz didn’t blow the last gasket when the Key Bridge collapsed?

LemonJello

I thought he had just started a new job as a harbor pilot?

WCS

What do you think caused the ship to lose control in the first place? Jeez, you have been gone for a while….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there any reason they don’t also release bees during the fencing competitions? They’re already dressed for it.

LemonJello

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WCS

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LemonJello

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WCS

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LemonJello

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litre_cola

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Senor Weaselo

Wasn’t beekeeping an Olympic sport in like 1904?