TGIF! What a weekend to be alive! JV football is back! F1 is back! Footy is still back! Vuelta a Espana is in full swing! It’s that time of year where you really need to commit to the 2 screen experience.
Survival – Personal Edition
As we ramp up for the football season, some of you will find yourselves at a game. As a result, some of you may find yourself around some over-served and aggressive fans that may take a totally undeserved swing at you. Let’s go over some tips to lessen the impact of that obviously unwarranted assault on your person. This is divided into which part of your person is being targeted.
- Body
- Tighten those stomach muscles. There are many vital organs in your solar plexus and a punch here could damage them and cause death. RIP Houdini.
- Do not suck in your stomach. You’re just reducing the buffer to your organs.
- Try to shift or turn slightly so that your oblique takes the blow. The oblique is the muscles to each side of your buried six pack. Be aware this could cause a cracked rib, but that’s preferable to damaging internal organs.
- Head
- Move toward the punch. This will lessen the force of the blow. The big danger of a head blow is the sudden movement of the brain inside the skull which can cause concussions, brain injuries, or death.
- Tighten those neck muscles and clench your jaw. This will minimize movement of your head after impact and protect your teeth.
- Straight Punch
- Again, move toward the punch to reduce the force.
- Try to take the blow on your forehead as it’s best suited to absorbing the force. Just make sure it’s not your nose, which is both painful and messy.
- If possible, use your arm to deflect the punch so it’s either a glancing blow or misses to the side.
- Roundhouse
- Clench your jaw. A properly placed roundhouse can break your jaw.
- Move closer to the attacker. A roundhouse will be less forceful the closer you’re standing to our assailant.
- Uppercut
- Clench your neck and jaw. This will keep your head from whipping back and causing damage to your jaw and nose.
- Use your arm to slow or deflect the uppercut.
- Unlike other punches, do not step into this one. That’s a one way ticket to floorsville.
Obviously, the first two tips for all should be 1) don’t get swung at and 2) duck/dodge. In any case, get out of the situation immediately in any scenario.
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Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
My dumbass forgot to bring anything to eat… only four hours to go!
*faint noise of femur drums in the distance*
https://twitter.com/burnergiw/status/1827211778809278572
I saw the second best plate I’ve ever seen this morning.
Veteran plate: GOTGNZ
Oh! Flying right at Hone.
Sitting in a storm on an island by myself. I hope I can get a good mai tai recipe.
Where’s the LZ?
To quote Hermana Weaselo, this is a hate crime towards me specifically.
https://youtu.be/kQse2ml5UXY?si=2twfvPvVY4QV6I9E
I’m not sure what’s happening.
FAKE! Birds don’t mind spicy foods!
Well shit, how you all doing?
Good week.
Had my annual day off for blood work, BPI vitals and such.
Motherfuckers gave me a tetanus shot in my right arm and my second shingles vaccine in my left.
Just. Don’t do them at the same time is all I’m saying.
The annual state of yeah right is rocking.
That shingles vax, hoo boy.
It’s a fucker.
Made my arm hurt for a couple of weeks. Made my wife hurt for months.
Quite literally took the first call I truly can do nothing about: someone just called in a panic to ask what to do because their toilet is overflowing
As I explained to the caller, while this is an emergency, unfortunately there isn’t much the police, fire department, or EMS can do for that. Yes, that’s very crappy (mmm), but… ask yourself, “What would the cops do when they saw this?”
This reasoning actually seemed to work.
Way to go with the (over)flow.
“Ma’am, can you describe specifically what the floor looks like? Is it the Yellow River or the muddy Mississippi?”
“Sir.”
Yeah
Tell him he should just run screaming from the house and never go back.
You could really break it down and ask him;
“Have you ever wondered if things would be different if you didn’t live in Pittsburgh?”
/ sniff
“All of the time man. ”
[WCS hangs up]
“Ma’am, (or Sir; I don’t want to assume here), I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, do you have a plunger? You don’t? Well, that’s unfortunate. I’m going to recommend you take off your shirt. In fact you’re probably just going to want to get naked for this, although a face mask is advisable. Gloves are ideal as well, but unless they go over the shoulder we’re really just kidding ourselves here.
Have you done that? OK, good. Now, have you ever seen a documentary film where a vet sticks his hand up a cow’s vagina to assist in a birth? You have? OK great, that’s gonna save us a lot of time! Now, I need you to kneel in front of the toilet and I need you to shove your hand into the drain like you’re the only thing standing between that unborn calf and its untimely demise. Now, grab onto whatever is in the drain and DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT IT MIGHT BE!! Slowly pull it back to the bowl, but do not take it out.
Has the water gone down? It has? Excellent.
Hang on, getting a call about an arson/rape/murder, let me just put them on hold…
OK, thank you for waiting.
Now, while the water is receding maintain your grip on the blockage, again without looking at it, until the basin is refilled. Once the basin is refilled with water..
Jesus, another shooting? Can’t anyone take matters into their own hands anymore? Hold please.
/off mic: JUST SHOOT BACK!! THIS IS PITTSBURGH; DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T HAVE A GUN OF YOUR OWN
/back on mic
Thank you again for waiting. Has the basin refilled? It has? Excellent. Now, what I need you to do is to flush again and slowly, SLOWLY, release the contents of your hand as the water recedes…
It’s working? Oh, that’s great. Really great. OK, you’re going to want a hot shower with plenty of soap, and then maybe run out and buy a plunger, because having one of those babies is gonna cut out 4-5 of these steps and be lot less messy.
You have a good night. Thank you for calling Pittsburgh 911.
Allegheny County 9-1-1
https://x.com/American_Bridge/status/1827132444216004730
Trump just basically came out in favor of polio in order to earn the sweet, sweet embrace of the brain worm that controls the husk of RFK, Jr.
This would be pretty fucking funny if they weren’t 50-50 to win.
Whatever: if I’m being honest I think the biggest problem the Earth has is that there are about 8 billion people on a planet that can realistically support 4 billion, and if there’s anyone that can get that 8 billion down to 4 billion, (or less!), in my lifetime it’s these two bozos.
If anyone needs me I’ll be locked in my house bathed in germicide. I’mma just wait this out.
I would simply use my superior jiu jitsu skills to disarm my attacker, mostly due to his hysterical laughter at my attempts to do anything remotely resembling jiu jitsu.
You need the Scottish Martial Art of Fuk yu
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzhrynuOXUU
Jiu jitsu vs. judo
Which is the chosen martial art?
Bombers vs Ti-Cats is a one pt game with 4 left if you guys get it on some fucking streaming service or espn2
This game is superb, sorry Gumbygirl
Did I hit the downvote by accident?
It’s lady number 4 this week. She needs oil rubbed on her back, I can tell. Danni says great hustle here Ayo, we’ll done Sir.
Not to brag but I managed this week to a close. Now standing in line at the drug store for like 300 bucks in weed and then I’m home to pack for my flight tomorrow!
Weed is allowed in your carry-on now.
Your mileage may vary by state.
Really?
I’m checking it.
No idea; I neither travel nor partake.
But the TSA folks all have a great sense of humor!
They don’t gonna waste time on me.
Other suggestions above or below “lean into a punch to the head”:
-give your work number to a stripper
-get vulnerable with a rival
-order Little Caesars
I think the worst idea there is the last one.
Instead of leaning into a punch, shit yourself and throw it at him. Most people are disinterested in fighting pantsless guys holding their own poo.
“That’s how you patriotically dodge the draft!”
— Ted N., MI
“Now watch me adopt this teenager so I can fuck it!”
Try this:
It’s true! You should be closer to the puncher!
Also, Little Caesar’s is good
/throws guantlet*
*yellow dishwashing glove
from 2012 found behind the sink
/steps closer
Brittany Mahomes apparently came out liking Trump tweets today, so that bodes well for her further acceptance by the general public.
I can’t believe I’d ever reach a point where I’d miss the New England Patriots dynasty, but here we are.
Idiots for the idiots god
Well then I’m glad Patrick ALLEGEDLY cheats on her.
Trump’s tweets turned her into a lesbian?
Just to clarify, I will be voting for Harris. I am not voting for Trump. You will see me strutting around the clubhouse in St. Louis Cardinal red waiving a Terrible Towel singing Hail to the Victors than voting for Trump.
That being said…
Good man.
Also, Oprah inflicted “Doctor” Phil, “Doctor” Oz, and many other horrible people on us, so she can fuck off all the way back to her Santa Barbara estate, that’ll show her.
Mrs. Cola hates “Doctor Oz” with all of her soul.
Well sure; he promised to get her our of Alberta but he wasn’t even a real wizard.
She loves her some grifty charlatans, don’t she? The fucking “psychics” that prey on grieving people deserve to be burned at the stake. The rest of them should just die in a regular fire.
You see my daddy was stupid but my mother was smart. That makes me stupid smart.
Sexy Friday Adjacent?
Tacos on offer in the airport lounge. Bold move, United.
It’s a trap!
Throat punch, Ear clap, foot stop, then get the fuck out of there.
Fake to the eyes, go for the groin, run.
Screw that. I’m a Republican.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmA2WYyw-_A&pp=ygUaZG91YmxlIHRhcCB6b21iaWVsYW5kIHJ1bGU%3D
That’s when it’s time to kick some back.
Or a Winnipeg Handshake to open.
“I’m a hemophiliac!!”
Hello all, just waiting for kids to do their chores so we can watch the Padres game. Living the dream
Wonderful. The Heiress (20+) and I started “Dexter” last week. We’re up to Season 2 and… Uf. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I sense a theme this week. Very nicely done, sir!
Does that hurt? It looks uncomfortable.
Maybe. She was quite happy to take them off.
“Not a couch in any of those photos. 0/10.”
-OHcouchfuckerIO, parts unknown
Wouldn’t it be funny if the Jags blow a 28-0 lead?
Hi-freakin-larious*
*since its preseason, it’s actually ok
At least Tony Khan isn’t your director of football.
“Ha, what losers!” — Atlanta Falcons
Each and every photo this week is 10/10, Bastard Man. I feel justified in my banner pic for tomorrow morning, now.
I’m sorry for not bringing sexy back with me.
But at least we have jagoffs and failcons on the tube while I do a burger week pub crawl. Maybe.
Is Peter King still alive?
I am intrigued by the burger week pub crawl; do you get to try different burgers while also consuming various beers?
Yes sir
So far a cream ale and a rice lager. These rice lagers are wild. They taste awful and amazing at the same time.
Asahi and Sapporo are rice lagers. Are you having some new variety?
A solid maybe on that last one.
He retired to Wichita and has a small Allagash beer cart he takes to local farmers markets.
And my pending comment did not format correctly, can someone put the proper spoiler brackets?
Do I get overtime pay for this?
Paid in LOVE. OK, in benign tolerance. ish
Guys I’ve got a problem:
My unhealthy obsession with Sydney Sweeney is back….
I fail to see the “problem”
Ten AWOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAS
#8 is my favorite, because, at the risk of sounding crude…
Forget the cake, she’s got a whole bakery back there that I never noticed before
Fuck yeah!