2023 PREDICTION: None. Which is probably good since I would have fallen short of the

2023 REALITY:  12-5; lost the Super Bowl in a thrilling overtime display to Taylor Swift

The 2023 season was about as good as it gets for the Niners, sans the ring. In games where they were trying, they went 12-4, losing to the Ravens, Joe Burrow, the Cleveland defense and the Last Stand of Kirk Cousins’ Achilles. Only one of those has any shame attached.

Their offense was the closest thing we’ve seen in a very long time to the Greatest Show on Turf, with four players (Deebo Samuel, George Kittle, Christian McCaffrey and Brandon Aiyuk) gaining over 1000 yards from scrimmage.

The defense was Top 10 in every major category except passing yards allowed, and was Top 4 in most.

2024 Big Damn Changes:

So of course, the biggest change was to get rid of defensive coordinator Steve Wilks.

Yes, the Niners showed vulnerability in the post-season, playing soft against the run. But by all accounts, it seems he was done in by what we will call personality conflicts. By which I mean Kyle Shanahan wasn’t going to shoulder the blame for his third Super Bowl pants-shitting, despite his prized offense going limp every single time. The final push was administered by Nick Bosa, who publicly threw Wilks under the bus re: the defense “not being prepared” for Patrick Mahomes to run all over them.

Listen: I am a middle-aged fatass who hasn’t played so much as a pick-up game of football in 25 years. If you plunked me down on the field in the middle of the Niners defense in the Super Bowl, I would know two things with absolute metaphysical certitude:

1. I am about to die a horrible death in front of 115 million people, and
2. Patrick Mahomes is going to run the ball on us.

If you, as a professional football team, need your coach to tell you to guard against Mahomes running: you are not actually a professional football team. You are a collection of the finest con men and scam artists ever to grace America’s shores. I’m not sure if Bosa is this stupid or may have had other motivations to get rid of Wilks.

Then again, Wilks keeps getting the shitty end of the stick, from Arizona in 2019 onward. I mean, in a league filled with bullies and assholes, maybe he’s such an intolerable fuckhead that even his peers draw a line.

Brandon Aiyuk remains stuck in limbo. No desire to sign the long-term deal allegedly on the table from the Niners. No apparent movement on the trade to Pittsburgh. No massive injuries to other wideouts that would open up new trade options. I guess one way to test whether Brock Purdy is really worth $55 million per year is to kick his favorite receiver out from under him and see if he still stands.

Leonard Floyd is going to feast in this division.

SCHEDULE CONSIDERATION:

As always, it depends on how injuries hit them and whether other teams live up (or down) to expectations. They have a potentially brutal stretch coming out of the bye: fly to Tampa for an early game, home against Seattle, fly to Green Bay for a Sunday afternoon game, then decide whether to go back to San Francisco or journey straight on to Buffalo. For a Sunday night game. In December. The travel alone might kill them. Visits by the Chiefs and Lions leaven the rest of the schedule.

Will the Rams’ Donaldless Defense crumble from carrying Matt Stafford’s rotting corpse? Will whatever dark magicks made Geno Smith a viable starter transfer to the new coaching staff? Will Arizona forget that it is Arizona? Who knows how the NFC West will shake out, except that in the absence of Divine Intervention, the Niners should still walk away with it.

2024 PREDICTION: 11-6, divisional round loss. Kyle Shanahan begins blaming elves for his inability to call running plays when leading in the 4th Quarter. CMC, Deebo and George Kittle retire to run a floating bed and breakfast in Sausalito.

NFL NEWS:

-It’s Roster Cut Day. Very few surprising cuts, notable names being of the “Oh That Guy” persuasion (Frank Gore Jr., Bailey Zappe, C.J. Beathard, etc.). The Chiefs cut stone-handed Super Bowl hero Kadarius Toney. The Raiders cut Nathan Peterman. The Saints cut The Other St. Brown.

The biggest impact moves were teams designating key players as Non-Football Injury or Physically Unable to Perform, meaning they will miss at least the first four games:

-Vikings tight end T.J. Hockenson

-Browns running back Nick Chubb

-Dolphins wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr., edge rusher Bradley Chubb and guard Isaiah Wynn

-Rams tight end Tyler Higbee