Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success [in bed].
Henry Ford
Look at Henry being all about working together with your partner to make things better for both of ya in sexy time. I guess as long as there’s not an assembly line for this, your good. Unless, of course, that’s your thing, then go for it.
Golf update, got out to a fancy smancy golf course on Sunday afternoon with some people from my work. We played on the North course, and not the PGA event one. I shot 50 on the front 9 and 59 on the back nine, I seemed to either get par, or snowmen, no in between. Still trying to get a birdie..
The place is gorgeous, and the course had very open fairways for the most part and was a very long course, with most holes being over 400 yards. So, if you were able to smash it off the tee, you usually were in good shape, but when I didn’t, it was a long way to the green.
Also, nawt in my favoUr, was the wind. The ponds had whitecaps from the wind and I also had my hat blown off a few times. So, with the wind at your back, it was great, but into or across the wind, you could kiss the ball goodbye.
There were 2 groups of us that played, the other foursome was in front of us, and one of the guys got a hole in one. Very cool. This also goes to show that not everyone was affected by the wind.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
You guys would have been so proud of Blax at Hippo’s auction draft. First time for him in this league.
He got a couple high-priced guys early, DISAPPEARED FOR LIKE 2 HOURS, then came back and grabbed a bunch of quarterbacks, pissing off some cranky douchenozzle, then finished with like half his money still unspent.
Just a pure unadulterated chaos shitshow. It was glorious..
SonOfSpam
Last night, as I was laying in bed, I committed myself to completely bow out of trying to sell my parents’ beach house – which would enable my mother to provide quality care for my father, and also herself when the time comes.
No more texts, emails, phone calls, family meetings where everything I say is ignored.
It’s me versus three people, and I will never win. This feels like quitting, but actually I’ve realized that it’s call self preservation.
Thanks for listening.
jjfozz
THIS CASTELLANOS, I CALL HIM PONCE DE LEON BECAUSE HE’S MURDERING THESE SEMINOLES
jjfozz
You know who else murdered Seminoles? Aaron Hernandez.
I assume. He murdered a lot of people.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I will do my best while keeping decorum close at mind.
When I was a 16 year old sophomore I had a few stoner buddies. One was a 17 year old junior that just happened to be a lovely lady that I desperately enjoyed the company of. Well this friend had a sister that was 22 and a mom. On certain evening’s we would go over to the “adult’s” home and partake of the sacred smoke. One evening the sister locked the door, fired up some incense and said “Who want’s to do some bong hits?”
Here is where it gets scary, again I’ll try to be a teacher not a tawdry launderer.
She came out of the back room and handed me a dick. Laughing all along she says hit this monster. I was terrified.
In my hands was an 8 inch rock solid ceramic, I’ll us her phraseology, dong bong!
My left hand held the “scrotum” Placed in between the testicles was the chug hole. Using my left hand I placed my finger on the glass ball bag and stuck the rigid blue (it had veins and a penal tip) love stick with my right hand smack into my mouth. Then I sucked my lungs full of graphic smoke.
The biggest, scariest phallus I have ever had near my face and yes I did hit it more than once.
DJ TAJ
I had a bong that looked EXACTLY like a microscope. It was sweet but somehow got lost in my move between California and the Jersey Shore.
This is where the idea of a stoner heaven makes sense.
In the afterlife you will find all of your missing paraphernalia and the bowl will never be empty.
yeah right
ballsofsteelandfury
LemonJello
Hooray! I’m coming to you live from Syracuse airport, where I will be stationed for the next hour because my mom FORGOT TO COME PICK ME UP.
Now I know how Eli must have felt on those nights when Olivia started pre-gaming for book club at 2 in the afternoon.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Somewhat impromptu dinner with my dad on Thursday in New York since he’s in town for work. The place we’re going to has a section called “The Meats”. I think I’m gonna like this place
Sharkbait
until the meat sweats kick in
Game Time Decision
That’s what the train ride back the next morning is for. Sweat it out in the quiet car like a Mr. King
Sharkbait
“He gets THREE cookies?! I only got that many after winning a Super Bowl!”
-Eli
Doktor Zymm
May all the collective Spanoi sinew belong to BOLTMAN!!!
King Hippo
Boltman’s Crossbow of Destruction +5, unique, upgradeable, made from the bones and sinew of generations of clan Spanos, the clan who betrayed Boltman and whom he now hunts to eventual extinction. If used against a member of the Spanos clan there is an additional bonus of +50% damage with another chance to stun of 2*(tot damage upon hit)% to be applied.
Special attack – after 5 enemies (or 1 Spanoi) have been killed using the crossbow, the sound of drums will start softly and get louder, during the increase in sound, a whining grind will begin caused by a small golem on what appears to be an exercise bike and which is generating electricity. Once the drumming reaches a crescendo and the golem stops, the crossbow will generate an arrow composed of pure electricity which upon hitting a target will obliterate them, no saving throw or divine intervention can stop the attack or modify the damage.
Unique ability – if placed on the body of a Spanoi it will absorb the bones and tendons which will only make the item incrementally heavier and stronger; however, ever 100 Spanoi absorbed causes the damage to increase +5 and to hit% increase by 10%.
ArmedandHammered
/eagerly awaits Yahoo’s AI draft grade
“You remember Hiroshima? It’s worse than that.”
scotchnaut
“Hiroshima may have been a war crime, but at least it was able to defeat thousands of unarmed civilians which is more than we can say for your fantasy football team”
Doktor Zymm
Yahoo clearly doesnt like the “draft the handcuff” and “take the TE on IR and stash” draft strategy. D+ my ass…
Sharkbait
Slightly ahead of my D!
Doktor Zymm
Unless I’m very much mistaken, you don’t have a D. Neither do I, and that’s what I got in my draft too. Notice none of the actual dudes did. Hmmmm…
Gumbygirl
“I got a D-”
-Deanna Farve
Doktor Zymm
This whole “i’m not giving a fucking fuck about what my mothers and sisters do, or not do” attitude is very liberating
jjfozz
Try extending that to all of humanity. It works for me!
Dunstan
They were the last few remaining people in humanity that I actually gave a fuck about. Now it’s down to my three boys, my wife, my dog, my best friend, bourbon, and assorted pills. And the entire cast of Shoresy.
jjfozz
Not us?
Gumbygirl
To be fair, we’re all imaginary
Dunstan
Commies employee suspended for generally trash-talking the NFL including the following glorious quote which proves none of us could ever hold down a job for a team:
‘Enteen also said in the video that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “really runs the NFL. I think he hates gay people, black people.” He called Goodell “a $50 million puppet” and said the NFL’s social justice efforts were performative.’
Doktor Zymm
Do you think hunchbacks hang out at the Transylvanian version of Home Depot to look for work? – Cinematic Titanic from Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks
ArmedandHammered
How high are you right now?
litre_cola
LemonJello
llamar not spiking the ball
harbs not telling him to spike the ball
llamar not hitting a wide the fuck open receiver
harbs probably was gonna lose the game on that impulse 2 point try
dumbasses wasting a super bowl window in real time
fleshwound_NPG
WCS
so instead of having 7 touchbacks a game the new rules now will limit them to does math 6 per game!
fleshwound_NPG
Any commercial featuring Myles Garrett that doesn’t show him walloping Mason Rudolph with a helmet is a failed commercial.
Horatio Cornblower
So weight loss makes you faster? Thank Cris you fuckwit, where is Jerome Bettis from?
litre_cola
this man has more rings than cris
fleshwound_NPG
Although in a vacuum both a fat guy and a thin guy will fall at the same speed!
Doktor Zymm
Vacuum? By God that’s Dr. RTD’s music!
litre_cola
God I love a good jet sweep.
The Maestro
A sweep? Buddy, we’re not even maintaining the doors.
-Boeing
makeitsnowondem
Off to sell beer. Later gators. I’ll be at the Seahawks home opener, and hopefully will have some stories to share.
#FuckRogerGoodell
Beerguyrob
We’re JUST 3 minutes in and my wife is already asleep leaning on me and I can’t get up for another beer without disturbing her. FACK
The Maestro
You didn’t put a couch minifridge on the gift registry?
Doktor Zymm
I saw JD Vance’s review of that thing, he said it was too frigid.
makeitsnowondem
THIS PRE GAME LEMME TELL YA I CALL IT NINA HARTLEY ON A TUESDAY BECAUSE WE HAVE TAKEN SOMETHING SO LONG AND SO HARD BUT FINALLY, FINALLY AT LONG LAST THE BALLS HAVE COME
fleshwound_NPG
Well if that bomber is supposed to be so stealthy, how come we can all see it???!
The Maestro
Woke NBC just showed a rainbow! Now my son is gay and my wife wants to peg me!
Spur
So other than your kid being happy, nothing changed?
Redshirt
Can’t wait for the early morning report on which Packer/Eagles player is being held for ransom.
Spur
“If you don’t play us $3,000,000 American, you’ll never see Kenny Pickett again.”
(click)
“Hello? Hello?”
Redshirt
Redshirt
It’s hilarious when my son tells me that I’m drinking HIS beer in MY house. This is why I keep a bullwhip handy at all times
jjfozz
fleshwound_NPG
TSN “Is Jalen Hurts the weakest part of the Eagles offense?”
Yes, but how does this affect the Leafs playoff run?
litre_cola
Love hasn’t had this many missed connections since Craigslist
Gatoraids
THIS EAGLES TEAM I CALL THEM JEFFREY DAHMER AFTER A BANQUET BECAUSE THEY’RE COUGHING UP ALL THE BALLS
SonOfSpam
THESE NFL INTERNATIONAL GAMES I CALL THEM KING LEOPOLD’S CONGO FREE STATE BECAUSE THEY CLAIM THEY’RE TRYING TO SPREAD GOODWILL BUT REALLY THEY’RE JUST COMMITTING ATROCITIES FOR FINANCIAL GAIN
Doktor Zymm
Jesus fuck, again.
litre_cola
“Fine, but the caveman voice is not doing anything for me”
-M. Magdalene
SonOfSpam
Arkansas absolutely displaying the brainpower I’d expect from an Arkansas education.
“The Earth is 4,000 years old, phrenology is a valid diagnostic method, and I’mma run into my own guy while he fair catches a punt.”
Horatio Cornblower
Because I’m a good son who is driving his terminally ill father to a family reunion, I’ll be missing the Bengals game but make it home in time for Tom Brady Presents NFL Football.
ALS is the gift that keeps on gifting.
Redshirt
I was up way early today, doing Gumby stuff, and I thought to myself, “self, you purchased the Peacock yesterday, why not watch some of that Premier League action the fellers are always on about. ” Nooooooo! English pig-dogs! I fart in their general direction.
Gumbygirl
Found a funny:
in the city of St. Louis, Missouri, there is a museum called the Museum of Illusions, and it has come to my attention that this is the URL of their website
rockingdog
OK, today I got the bills out, the recycles taken to the dump, walked the dog, hit the gym, mowed the lawn, then raked half of it before the blinding sheets of rain came.
Who else votes with me that it’s Miller time at the Cornblower house?
Horatio Cornblower
You’ve definitely earned a little breather after all that!
LemonJello
Tyreek Hill arrested, then released, on his way into the stadium today.
Ordinarily I’d figure it was asshole cops targeting a Black man driving an expensive car, but since this was Tyreek Hill I’m just going to assume he committed, was committing, or is going to commit, several heinous felonies and that this is a rare instance of the cops being right.
Horatio Cornblower
I think a safer assumption is that one of the cops had him on his fantasy roster.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’m settled in for the Seahawks. It’s a beautiful 22 degrees world / 72 degrees American.
Beerguyrob
Last year, you all introduced me to cooking bacon in the oven.
Now I have high cholesterol. Thanks DFO!
hippofant
I think if I played QB for the Panthers this afternoon, the team would still be getting the exact same results… only I’d do Bryce Young’s job for half of what he’s making now.
The Maestro
Let’s be honest-I don’t think either one of us could run out of bounds fast enough before being clocked into the next dimension.
scotchnaut
THIS MIAMI OFFENSE, I CALL IT A SENIOR LIVING IN DEL BOCA VISTA BECAUSE IT’S IMPOTENT AND INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING
Wakezilla
Sam Darnold becoming a legitimate starter with the Vikings would be hilarious to follow Geno in the “get drafted by the Jets, suck for them, suck for a few more years, and then finally become a respectable QB” pipeline.
Smithchez
So I am out on the porch to stay out of my wife’s way and so she can watch tennis later. As soon as football started she came out here and started to vacuum the rug on the porch where I am, to get out of her way.
ArmedandHammered
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Making Watson stay out there and take a beating. LOVE IT.
King Hippo
NEW RULE – helmet comes off on its own twice? You have to play rest of the game without one.
King Hippo
Two interceptions? Huh, it doesn’t seem fair that Deshawn Watson was forced to do something he didn’t want to do.
Redshirt
Redshirt
Fights on the field? That’s Rikki’s Raiders!
Dunstan
announcer 1: there’s a fight on the field involving the raiders! it has now spilled into the stands!
announcer 2: no, that fight has been going on since the 2nd quarter
fleshwound_NPG
THIS WASHINGTON DEFENSE I CALL THEM THE TROLLEY PROBLEM BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO IT WILL END POORLY
Doktor Zymm
Color guy saying “give it to the big fella” and then production immediately throwing to a shot of Mike McCarthy just seems mean.
Horatio Cornblower
I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT!
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Like most people who were dead this time last year, Damar Hamlin had no problem stopping the Arizona Cardinals on that last drive.
blaxabbath
Pretty adorable
Doktor Zymm
So young and already trying to murder humans. <3
hippofant
It’s always fun when you arrive at a bar and like 8 people are all “OMG HEYYYYYYYYY WE HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE LAST SEASON!!!”
And me not having any memory of meeting these people. Free drinks were had, hands shook, hugs made.
ThePirateSloth
Celebrating the start of my 39th lap around the sun with football, some pizza and a Japanese whisky.
Sharkbait
If you have having trouble “loggin in”, once logged in it may say that you are not logged in, at that point, refresh the page. If that does not work, then clear your cache and “loggin in” again.
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
“Oh, now he’s interested in the topic of eating pussies…” – Usha Vance
Meanwhile, Ben Shapiro remains convinced that “wet pussy” is some kind of soup made by Haitian immigrants.
C’mon, Ben’s nickname was Wet Pussy just from junior high PE showers.
I love how he hopped on this sofa after it was clear that lady wasn’t Haitian. What a fucking loser piece of shit.
Work takes me down the road and across the border into Croatia next week. Just found out that the city of Zagreb is going to host the conference attendees on a walking tour of the old city. Pretty cool of them. I’ll let you know.
“Zagreb” sounds so much more like the name of a guy than the name of a city. It sounds like the name of a guy you blame mistakes at work on because he doesn’t speak any English.
The cutting edge of Serbo Croatian technology it has been noted in film records…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1LxlZ8pTRg
It absolutely has.
I gotta remember to pack my goat skinned pants for this gig.
…but were the pants skinned by real goats, or were they the black market ones skinned by Guanacos?
Guanac-offs, as they are referred to…
“Can I get a gas cap for my Yugo?”
“Sounds like a fair trade, sure.”
Does anyone want a “free gift subscription” to either (1) The Bulwark (thoughtful centre-right Never Trumper analysis); and/or (2) The Downballot (formerly DKE and Swing State Project, mostly centre-left downballot election analysis and number crunching)? If so let me know (and your e-mail if I don’t have it).
I pay to subsribe to their substack sites, and they’ve given me these invites as a marketing ploy, I suppose. Both are indeed very good, especially in light of how shitty the free information environment has gotten.
Turn around and walk of out of here with your Fake Newz before I 2A YOUR substack.
If I were ever to own a professional basketball team, I would 100% name them the Active Shooters.
The Thoughts & Prayers Dance Team to support them!
How much the family want for Fozz’s beach house? Wouldn’t it be funny if they sold it and it just ended up being available to JJ Fozz all the time anyways and no one gets why?
I’m in for $12
Perhaps if we solicited AD REVENUE…..
I’m in for $12, my wife’s in for $12, Lowratio’s in for $6.
That Russell Wilson thing is just….the world we live in….
Lamest insubordinate ever!
I’m so very excited to see the regular-season regulars back.
I’m also incredibly grateful to the offseason crew for keeping this place fun over the summer. Special thanks to JD Vance who gave us a good solid two weeks worth of couchfucking jokes to keep ourselves entertained with.
The Trump campaign has inspired terror, rage, and violence but has also been great fodder for some really amazing dark humor.
I mean Vance has. Trump himself has become staggeringly boring. His playbook hasn’t changed in eight years.
Leave Mike McCarthy out of this
JD’s sofa fetish could join the canon, which according to the Allagash White ranking system, would go something like:
1) Rex Grossman fuck it I’m goin’ deep
B. Rex Ryan how the fuck ya doin’ boys (plus bonus picture of lady feet)
[iii] Trent Green Purple Monkey Dishwasher
IV. The Ben HARF
e. Deanna’s dong disappointment
(bb) BLEERGH
47 – SHANK’LOR (or is it Shan’klor)
[Null] Eli’s juice boxes
83% Boltman (plus femur drums)
xxx/ Jerry Sandusky PaedoState
sin(45) Jerry Jones Yee haw I am fucking crazy!!! (plus bonus hookers)
$7 Fat Jamarcus and the purple drank
10) A.A. Ron doing his own research (minus the family reunion)
I am sure I am misssing a few more classics but I am old and this fucking Amtrak car is too loud and I late for my Skyline chili date with a national disgrace. But RTD is right that you guys all rock.
TL;DR version: This blog, I call it the last game of a pee wee soccer season . . . because everyone has earned a participation ribbon and and orange slice!
Please do not overlook Lowratio, he really hates when people do that.
The Cure vs the Cult
Ireland vs Italy
don’t tell anyone, but you’re my favoUrite (bonus capital U)
THIS GUY I CALL <Name> because < reason>
DOINK
Safety Dance
Not even sure how to describe Hippo-speak, but it should be in the canon
I was not going to try my hand at Hippospeak; I barely made it out of high school German!
And let’s not forget the regular tribute to tWBS, “DUDE!”
A Simpson’s gif/ meme for every occasion!
Hilarious typo’s because we can’t edit
Well, I rock.
Lea Michele would love to add to this list, if she could read it.
New Lawsuit Could Allow Browns to Release Deshaun Watson (msn.com)
This…er, me, I call it the Far Right, because I firmly believe that the Cleveland Browns got themselves into this situation by being reckless and shouldn’t have the option to get out by aborting.
No exceptions for rape, incest, or out-of-court settlements.
“Your Honor, my client, the Cleveland Browns, would never have signed this contract if it had known that Mr. Watson had actually sexually assaulted more than the 23 women he told us about. My client has principles!”
(checks notes) “Your Honor, objection to evidence not produced in discovery. Jimmy Haslam has no principles.”
Sorry to get all QAaaaron on you, but this lawsuit seems mighty convenient for renowned scumbag Jimmy Haslam.
Kinda have to wonder if it would have been filed if Deshaun was playing well…
Hey — the Browns may release Watson. They always have had that perogative.
This is Haslem and his attorneys beginning to stage a LAWFARE attack on Watson to minimize the amount that will pay when they inevitabley DO release Watson. I did my own research and it says Haslem signed him to this contract with adequate disclosure.
I’ve “practiced law” for over 30 years and it is my professional recommendation that we all form an immediate and ironclad opinion on the merits of this argument based on Jimmy Florio’s comments about a couple of paragraphs out of what I’m guessing is a contract that is dozens of pages long.
Really I don’t see how we could miss anything important.
I mean it would be kind of fun to submit an amicus brief that is laden top-to-bottom with subtle dick jokes. An extremely short section about Brett Favre, for example.
You would really need to bring in the margins for it to be noticed.
James Earl Jones died.
Anthony Cromartie memorializes the milestone by, again, becoming a black father.
This was a fun week, well done everyone!
Congrats on the employment. I was genuinely pulling for you. It seemed unfair you had to wait longer than I did.
Thanks! First day went pretty well I think, although it’s definitely strange being back on a work schedule. There’s even a good chance I get my first (partial) paycheck this Friday!
Wait till you see how high Biden has raised payroll taxes. I was better off four years ago when I didn’t have to work and the President himself (because it can only be a guy) just sent me money.
But yeah killing the country to China is good too.
Congrats on the golf!! That sounds awesome!
It was, even with the wind.
and got a bonus free diner out of it too
/it’s nice when the sales reps pick up the tab
Back to in season commenting… as is the way of our people. Thanks GTD… we’re all counting on you. That was an interesting first week. The NFL should look into something for better knee protection, now that old knee pads are so ’70’s. Just suit them all up in knee braces and those puffy helmet covers so everyone is equal… and safe… Better yet they all play in the blow up fat suits… in Throw Back colors…
/ pay no attention to the crazy man out on his lawn.
They would all die, but putting them all in those bubble suits would be an amazing pro bowl
yes please…
That looks like it was The Amazing Race S36. Rod Gardner, journeyman WR, did that on the show and was flat out wrecking people. I would have watched a half hour of that.
Only the expensive players get the good bubbles, non-stars just get some partially popped bubble wrap.
HARF! HARF!
Too bad those were not prison stripes.
Sherrif Joe wouldn’t allow such traditional robes.
THE BEN’S FAVORITE BEES ARE BOO BEES. HARF HARF HARF
I’m still on cloud nine over the free boobies I got to see at the beach yesterday.
It’s like the Kool-Aid Man but for Choco-Tacos.
Or rape.
Ha, great minds think alike!
If the Steelers wear the bee uni’s as the fat guy bubble, it would just look like Rapey Ben unretired.