When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
The Who, Behind Blue Eyes
It’s a bad time to be a Bills fan.
I enjoyed watching last night’s game. Kickoff to final whistle. No swearing at the TV. No white-knuckle tension as I wait for them to blow it yet again. It was…pleasant.
I am beset on all sides by a rising tide of Hope, and we all know where that ends up.
In the season preview, I declared myself Ready to Love Again. But like so many divorcées when Ron from JDate actually shows up at the door bearing a crap bouquet of carnations and the stench of Axe Body Spray, I am having Second Thoughts.
Sure, the Bills have looked dominant for the last 11 quarters of football. And in spite of roster holes so gaping that they have been nominated for AVN Awards, they have not shown any systemic weak spots.
But this can’t last. The Bengals will at least partially climb out of their 0-3 hole, and Patrick Mahomes will remember that Travis Kelce fucking exists. Three straight road games.
So I am trying to contain myself. Trying not to buy the Josh Allen For MVP hype. Trying not to think about founding the Church of Damar, who has risen from the Dead to save our secondary. Forcing myself to take calm, measured breaths.
Calm. Measured. Breaths.
Damar Saves.
NFL News:
-So severe was the beatdown, the slaughter, the public execution of the Jaguars last night (sorry LemonJello) that Doug Pederson looks like he might be the first coach out the door the season. And he knows it:
That’s a man who has Expedia bookmarked in case Shad Khan fires him on the road and he needs to find his own flight home.
Normally I find Pederson insufferable, as his aura of “Guy Who Has Seen Jimmy Buffett In 49 States And Mexico” is thicker than Saquon’s thighs. But you can’t help but feel for him, whose quarterback seems to have irrevocably injured his throwing arm signing a $275 million contract in June. Even the reporters feel sorry for the guy contractually obligated to stand in the stocks before them after every humiliating loss, choosing the least rotten fruit to throw at him in the form of softball questions.
People- people who are not (openly) high on bath salts- are legitimately asking if the team should bench their savior. When starting White Mac is an option you are voluntarily considering, it is time to liquidate the team and flee the country.
-Dan Campbell was forced to sell his house after disgruntled Lions fans found out where he lived. Now we find out it was a classmate of his daughter who outed him after their playoff loss to the Niners in the conference championship, the unfortunate end to the most successful year they have had since the foundation of the modern NFL. There are some constants in life, and the stupidity of teenage boys may be one of the most immutable.
-Mike Tomlin confirmed that Justin Fields would start the next game, but refused to name him the starting quarterback going forward. I don’t blame him; after all, maybe the Jaguars or Panthers are looking to offload some mistakes.
The fuck is wrong with people?
https://twitter.com/BraddrofliT/status/1838691386755027426
If you can’t be one – play one.
I like how they’re white.
What if that were Diddy with a gun?
*gun oil.
https://stathead.com/football/vs/daniel-jones-vs-trevor-lawrence
Seriously, that link should have a trigger warning for both Giants and Jags fans.
This exists. We need a review of this when it comes out*
*Not it!
Well that’s horrifying
Every single fake Christmas movie I have ever made up for this site is better than this.
Quick: which one is Hunter and which one is Tyler?
Found a funny:
emperor palpatine: join the dark side
me: (steadfast) never!
emperor palpatine: we have free healthcare
me: (wavering)
If you think about it, Anakin would be the perfect advertisement for the free healthcare. He was the Black Knight in Holy Grail all burned up and he got new everything and a James Earl Jones voice!
Still waiting for the Darth Vader vs. T-1000 deathmatch.
It’s a mystery to me why anyone thought Brady would be more interesting as a commentator than he was at after game press conferences or any other time he had to speak publicly. I hope they slip some molly in his smoothie before the next game.
Read an interesting point on Deadspin. Let Google Gemini explain:
Tom Brady is in the process of becoming a part owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, but the NFL has not yet formally acknowledged his stake. Brady’s bid to become a minority owner was announced in May 2023, but the league’s finance committee is still discussing it.
If Brady is approved as a partial owner, he will face restrictions on his role as a Fox Sports broadcaster. These restrictions include:
Brady is not permitted to attend broadcast production meetings because they provide insight into the matchup’s head coaches and key players. These restrictions are not expected to apply to other members of Fox’s broadcasting crew.
Brady is also expected to abide by the league constitution and bylaws, which prohibit public criticism of officials and other clubs.
The point I forgot to add was that since Brady has to abide by those rules, he doesn’t get to join in any reindeer games. Which will be bad for his color commentary.
He’s bringing awkward to a GOAT level.
As someone else astutely pointed out, if one willingly, if not excitedly, making out with your ten-year-old son didn’t demonstrate this a decade ago…
I thought he already did that.
See?
And there a Jake Cronenworth Home Run!!!!
2-1 Padres take the lead!!!!
That’s ROCKING!!!
Padres vs Dodgers tonight! ⚾️
That’s Rockingggg!!!!!
Goooooo Padres!
Current Freezer Vodka standings:
That gets a minus vote from me boss.
I’m super curious about the Lowratio League
curioUsity is the name of Lowratio’s game!
Number 1 baby, Woooohoooooooooo
/so gonna lose out
At least one of the commish’s will stay up!
Not a single 1-2 squadron, what a lovely outlier!
Could someone please approve my comment, pretty please?
Hold on, we’re carefully reviewing it.
is a little slower because J. Edgar’s ghost has the night off. Since there ain’t no FITBAW,
If I had seen this as a teenager, I would probably died of dehydration:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poRx0U4Usqk
She looks nice.
AI, but they did use some beautiful cyborgs
https://youtu.be/E6SC4hgQUZU?si=k7YFbNIvTATRf2Ov
Not AI… for your consideration.
If that shows name is Night of Jugs, it is appropriately named.
Fox has Terry Bradshaw plus some linebacker who’s name I forgot, wearing an outfit he stole from Pennywise. And another network, somewhere, has this. We’re getting ripped off.
Do we really need to fire up Three Mile Island again just so we can get AI bewbs? Maybe?
And I saw the Heavy Metal movie a few months ago and came to the conclusion that I smoked entirely too much weed back then.
One of our garden veggies was very successful this year-I won’t tell you which one. I will share that for the third night in a row I’m having a salad that is 70% tomato and 20% lettuce.*
*the other 10% is cukes, peppers and croutons
I started making more salads once I got rid of the idea that salads must be lettuce-based. A simple tomato-cucumber salad with a bit of red onion is much better than just a boring bunch of iceberg lettuce.
That right there!
Had a great year too. Can’t beat the litteral just picked flavor.
I kept reading that as littoral, was very confused.
mmm, seaweed salad
Fuck. It’s already been a week.
5 teams in TWBS Mem lge are 0-3, 4 go down. There is no one who is 1-2, just 2-1 and 3-0.
Wow, we are super stratified!
Damn it, yeah right – that The Quiet Boy booky-book is un-put-downable. I am going to have to induct Ben Winters into Hippo’s Hall of Underrated But Absolute Genius, alongside Emily St. John Mandel and Kevin Parker.
Not to beat a dead horse (which the BUF/JAX match very closely resembled) but Buffalo treated Jacksonville like one of those stupid tourists in Yellowstone National Park last night.
https://i.chzbgr.com/full/7497939968/hB12629A3/this-buffalo-is-not-in-the-mood-for-pictures
Bison don’t kill enough stupid assholes.
Greetings from Crooklyn! YEEEEEEAAAAH
tick-tick-tick-BOOM
Fuck yeah. They are so damn good live.
That’s Rocking!
Just got an email from Wayfair, which I don’t even remember applying to, that I’ve been invited to take their Hackerrank assessment for the Machine Learning Scientist position. A bit late on that one, though nice to know they thought of me I guess
How is the new job going so far?
Good! I like my team, and I’m up to speed enough that I’ve been able to start contributing. And I got my company swag, which is obviously the most important thing 😛
I’m wearing a tshirt right now from a company Gumby used to do business with. It has a pocket, and it’s huge. The best kind!
Out of curiosity, as a science person and not a computer person, what are the welcome packages? When I was employee 42 at a biotech start up I got a monogrammed north face back pack and some really nice wireless headphones, waiting at my desk on day one.. That was six years ago and this spring when I started at a multinational diagnostic company, I was promised a welcome pack and after four months got a shitty backpack, a pen, and a tiny notebook.
I do like the job better, though
Different at every company, at this one they gave us a credit at the internal shop so we could get whatever we wanted within the price range which was nice.
Did they somehow send you the Cease and Desist Order for JD Vance by mistake?
Now we’ll never know how to Tetris 23 kids into a sofa box.
… and survive the trip to Martha’s Vineyard.
Dan Campbell had to sell his house? What kind of shitty fans harass the guy who rehabilitated a team that has been historically bad for DECADES!? The rest of the fanbase should find those people and ship them to Boston or New Jersey where they belong
Don’t ship them here. We’ve got enough shitty people in the fan base here.
.
I don’t want to say Buffalo abused Jacksonville last night, but Janae Rice apologized for her part in what happened on national tv.
Also, the Jags D had so much trouble reading plays that I though Lea Michele was their coordinator.
Another thing; the Jags O was so shaky and impotent they could have been mistaken for Brett Favre.
Michael J. Fox v. Brittfar DANCE-OFF!!
WHO YA GOT???
Playlist suggestions:
Shake, Rattle and Roll
Shake A Tail Feather
Shake It Off
Shake It Up
Anything using maracas.
In honor of OJ Simpson, the Bills are going to sneak up behind the Jags tonight and stab the everloving shit out of them and some waiter.
Is this anything? 🦛
Its…something?
I finally saw one of those VinFast cars out in the wild driving around today!
It’s Rocking!!!!
That holes line is chef’s kiss.
Thank you- I almost axed it under the “kill your darlings” philosophy
In fact, in Spanish it’s called beso negro.