Maybe I will keep doing this once the games stop, and I need something to write about. Take it away, Onion scientists!
Yeah, no arguing with the data. At least we have some mild distractions:
Iowa State (+2) v. Arizona State – Big Twalve Championship, JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
New blood, indeed. Shit, Cornpone State hasn’t won a conference title since before WWI. When they were 2-0 in the Missouri Valley Conference or some such shit. Sparky was a complete joke program, wrecked by Herm Edwards and pals. Hired some 20-year old grad assistant and BOOM, conference title game almost immediately. THIS is why the NIL/portal era is so great, it disperses talent and allows for true, pure chaos. I’m rooting for Cornpone, they are culturally similar to my Wolven Sort (except that they actually try to win).
Ohio (+1.5) v. Miami-OH – MAC Championship, Fuck LioUns Palace (Noon, ESPN)
Your remote will enjoy being useful, at least for a bit. Imagine the dozens of hobos wandering about the Silverdome for this shit.
Georgia (+2.5) v. Steerfuckers South – SEC PAAAAWWWWLLLLL Championship, Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, ABC)
Them Dawgs done wrecked Texas’ shit earlier this season. IN AUSTIN. Yet, UT is favoured. I don’t get it. Then again, having watched Carson Beck creepily and shittily impersonate a quartered back for most of the back half of the season? I totally get it. Just one of the inherent contradictions swirling through human existence.
I guess I will be back to preview the three night games later. Curb your enthusiasm.
Arch Time?
Hmm, there doesn’t appear to be a delete option here.
Programming note – I didn’t forget the night thread, but it don’t go live until 7:30 EST.
Cartman comeon!
Duly noted.
When I go to the Latin market I am aware that the Birria gives me the worst heartburn and indigestion. Do I order it every single time and suffer? You are damn straight I am bloated as hell right now.
#MeToo, when I add chirizo to my DELIGHTFULLY CHEESELESS pizza (which I did at HT)
There’s a very small pizza chain in my environs that has the very best hot sauce I’ve ever tasted. Does it give me horrible heartburn in the middle of the night 80% of the time? Yes. Do I take that chance every time we order pizza? Oh goddamn yes!
Got up at the crack of 11:30 this morning and showered then went straight to the kitchen for 3 hours.
Dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes.
Why some wealthy millionaire hasn’t made me their scullery wench I have no fucking idea.
I follow the directions, I don’t mind cooking and I have low self-esteem. How I haven’t been betrothed I have no idea.
Hell, I was betrothed.
Did 10 years of hard time.
But I did get my 2 wonderful daughters out of it so I’ve got that.
lol backup QB comes in, all the sudden the Georgia WRs can catch the ball.
Nothing says “We hate Carson Beck” than this newfound cromulence.
WR Coach telling them the Backup is now playing (Artistic Interpretation):
Ned Flanders is in trouble!?
Not saying it’s because Beck looks like a $5 whore, but also not NOT saying that.
“looks like”
Dr. Pepper delivering with the halftime contest eye candy:
There’s something in those eyes that will be a lot of work.
oh, she might set a few things on fire. But WORTH IT.
It’s not like you were ever going to *wear* those 1st edition Air Jordans, they just sit there taking up space on a shelf.
LA GALAXY ARE MLS CHAMPS!!!
After the Dodgers a few weeks ago, this even bigger championship cements Southern California as the center of the sports universe. The Chargers imminent Super Bowl win will complete the trifecta!
And the MetroStars still get nothing!
/Yes I know they’re the Red Bulls now
Wescott Eberts
@SBN_Wescott
Georgia QB Carson Beck will not play in the second half.
“Expand the playoffs to 12 teams,” they said. “It’ll be fun!” they said.
Kind of want the backup qb to win now.
Ah, the Cardale Jones Experience.
Get the Dr. Pepper kid to replace him!
They should make the Dr. Pepper Winner be the all-time QB for both teams for one quarter. You cannot convince me that would be a bad idea!
You should have to throw the football properly to win the Dr Pepper money. No two hand, or limp sideway toss.
Nuts to that. I much prefer the pit-fighting style that WINNERS employ.
…or bring the slow-moving balls they use in the Madden tutorials.
Nice technique by the Dr. Pepper contest winner.
Contrasting opinions!
I was busy enjoying the form of the contest announcer.
yeah she deffo seems nice
I disagree. That looked like Old Man Manning when he had no arm, or Tebow when he did. That was garbage
Tim Allen has another sit-com? Will this one be the one to have the guts to make jokes about Tim being a lousy snitch?
He sucks so much.
*Buddy Signal Activated*
Police booking photo with bonus Harry Reems stache!
I got all my Christmas/Hannukah purchasing done in an hour and a half this morning. Went downtown Kelowna and hit the best local (new) book store, home store, weed store, and liquor store.
Got myself a treat at the last one, met a friend at the my favourite pub and I’m on a wild accomplishment/whisky high today.
You’re all fine and lovely folks, except the ones who aren’t. Kisses and hugs.
Am I getting a box of Big Turks again?
Maybe there’s a special holiday edition BIGGER Turk?
It’s called the Giant Ottoman but you can’t find them anywhere, JD Vance bought the lot
Well yeah, they tried that once but kinder swamped the market with surprises.
You were going to get that before the postal issue. I had a date with the expired chocolate stand at the dollar store by my IGA.
Pay those posties, you management scum. Worthless, rat—hearted filth, from the top of the slurry tank to the bottom. That’s what I say to those lead-brained troglodytes in Canada post management.
So you’ll get a gift card instead.
Well, that last play went Sideways Plaid.
Free play, but lots of time ran off.
That Georgia receiver who keeps jumping unnecessarily (and then dropping the ball) reminds me a lot of Darius Heyward-Bey
Send HI I’M MARK DAVIS a note!!
Does one wonder whether the coaches make a “non-aggression” pact before a low-stakes conference title game like this?
Trying very hard not to go get Chick-fil-a. Not a political statement, I just want to be “within the bounds of reason” fat for my 20 Dec physical.
Can’t you Grubhub something from Waffle House? They have chicken I think, same thing healthwise.
Yeah but you go to Waffle House for the ambiance with your chicken fried heart attack.
Yeah, getting takeout or delivery from Waffle House is just….why? You may as well get delivery from Chuck E. Cheese
Ooh, that sounds wonderful.
I thought you went to Waffle House to watch the late night fights?
What do you think ‘ambiance’ means?
Touche’
Perhaps literally, if the fights veer into a duel between gentlemen who feel there honor has been questioned.
Honor?
Sir, you’re at the Waffle House!
[whispers] he doesn’t know what it means
Do it! They’re not open tomorrow.
There’s one 2 minutes from the doctor’s office, and it will be open then. I’ll even have the fountain Coke!
RFK says you are a beacon of health.
I haven’t eaten at a Chick FILE-A in about 20 years for political reasons.
Ask me how many times I’ve been in a Walmart.
How many times have you been in a Walmart?
NEVER!
Dawgie #7 ain’t having the best of afternoons.
Weird how all you supposed soccer fans aren’t talking about the biggest game, or “match” of the year. The LA Galaxy currently have a 2-1 lead over the NY Red Bulls at the half. Winner will be ranked #1 club in the world over pretender Real Madrid.
[edibles have kicked in]
-SoS’s current status
Those chuckle fucks are still “playing?”
Yes, when teams do well in the regular season, they get to participate in what’s called “playoffs” and I hope one day Mariners fans get to experience that.
Hey, 2022 happened!
https://champsorchumps.us/team/mlb/seattle-mariners/2022#playoffs
Sorry, every year seems like a century these days.
No shit! Quite vexing. VEXING, I says.
Fun fact! I was releasing the kraken when they clinched on this at bat and dropped and broke my new phone. Sweet memories.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTGoZLPstJw
The Big Dumper!
Don’t you root for the Angels?
The B12 should be removed as a Power 5 Conference before Clemson even plays.
The REAL B-12:
B12 is an essential vitamin!
Emphasis added. HRTN version of Balls has been put on notice.
How is there no safety help deep on THIRD AND 17??
Dawgs pass D looks a bit shit, PAAAAAWWWWLLLLL
So I’m in a position where I favor any scenario that ends up with Ryan Day trapped in a barrel and thrown into the Olentangy River so he may never curse Ohio State with his presence again or a termination, whichever is easier. Day underachieving to one playoff win would surely save his job, however not making the Playoffs could get the boosters pissed off enough to cover part or most of the $37 million buyout and show him the door.
Does this extraordinary situation permit for rooting for Paedo State or is that still verboten?
Verboten. Also Day just needs one (1) win over that team up north to be totally redeemed next season.
Ugh, FINE!
(mumbles while kicking rocks)
Stupid vulnerable kids.
SEXY and vulnerable! – Jerry S., State College, PA
Bahahaha, well played Sir Hippo.
You hate Day, (like all the other haters) that’s clear. Who’s your realistic hire that’s going to make everything sunshine and lollipops all of a sudden though?
Someone who doesn’t try to be the smartest person on the field or at least thinks of the Michigan game as something more than “the Regular Season finale”.
Excellent non-answer answer.
Let’s just agree to disagree.
Look at y’all two, acting like ADULTS!
One’s a Senators fan, one’s a Bengals fan. Neither would have a clue how to win a fight.
…win?
Redshirt, my buddy. If we’re going to agree to disagree but then agree afterwards you should downvote SOS’s comment. Agreed?
Technically, we’re agreeing to disagree. So, logically I must upvote.
You were never my buddy.
He started it!
And what will the buyout be for be this hulk of a man?
Thirty-seven million dollars.
Pardon me –.
After making a $37mil buyout to Day, how much will the next coach’s contract require as a buy-out?
$38 million.
Kirby Smart does seem like an insufferable prick, even by FITBAW coach standards
College Football coach standards too!
Kirby smart
What if Alec Baldwin was southern!?
SUDDEN CHANGE!!
So, I cannot surprise my mom with a Samsung Galaxy Phone for Christmas because she has to be there to physically be at the store to add it to the plan. Now I can be surprisingly good at misdirection and Yuletide subterfuge, but even I have my limits!
Don’t really know WHY I hate Steerfuckers South so much, but by gum, I sure does.
Because they are steerfuckers.
That really should be enough, es verdad
Trickster god DOINK seems to be present in full force at the SEC Championship.
Dear Bastard Man (if around) – would you like to do another F1 thread next Saturday, since there ain’t no FITBAW (other than Army/Navy)? The peoples liked your last one quite a bit and I would be happy for the break.
F1 is over tomorrow, but that means RECAP SEASON!
So, sure, take your well deserved break.
You’s alright folk for a Bastard Man!
Mighty Whitey v Redshite next Sabado!
Everyone laying down for the RS to win title = Hippo takes the season off.
Silva’s Mighty Whitey ain’t lay down for no one.
So, Sparky was picked to finish last, what were the betting odds for them to win the Big 12???? You know Phil Mickelson had that action.
Sommet like 200-to-1, I think. You surely could have gotten 80 or 100-1 in GAMBLOR-verse
No, that woulda been a winning bet. Lefty doesn’t do those.
Just read a CNN (no really) article about a 16 year old Aussie kid named Gout Gout (no really) who broke Australia’s national 200 meter record with a time of 20.04 seconds. The guy whose record he broke finished 2nd in Mexico City; he’s on the podium with John Carlos and Tommie Smith in the famous “raised fist” photo. My first thought was, damn, I’m glad Elon Twitter wasn’t around to react to that photo.
Anyway, Gout Gout is apparently the next Usain Bolt.
How are his hands? I’d love to persuade the Raiders to blow a late round pick on him as a receiver or kick returner hashtag #GetGout.
He has better hands than his cousin Arthritis Arthritis.
I dont think he’ll be able to get past Iodine Iodine in the Regional Finals though
Better than his cousin Match-Fixing Match-Fixing. He never should’ve gotten involved with the wrong crowd.
Chester A’s kid? Yeah, he’s been a huge disappointment.
I have to stop reading the news and even the Twitter accounts I read. The world has totally become Bizarro World for me where good is bad and wrong is right.
Anyway, college football! Yay!
The unanimous glee on Bluesky for the annulment of Romania’s election based on zero actual or proximate cause between TikToks and the outcome cemented my disdain for that particular shithole and its user base.
That’s what I did the instant America was like “fuck it, darkest timeline please”, and I’m much happier for it.
I try very hard to do that. Problem is that it leaves me alone with my Very Dark Thoughts, and I can only stands so much of that.
But I keep the teevee off, don’t do social media, and am careful with my selected information filters (Josh Marshall, Bulwark, The Downballot crew).
Yeah man. Leave all social media.
I try to limit my doom scrolling to a few minutes a day
ASSAULT!
Cam Sk8er Boi from ASU is having himself a game!
He’s one of those guys (TJ Watt, Brock Bowers) that announcers go apeshit over because he’s white, and then I have to admit, damn, he’s actually really good too.
Also, is “Cam Sk8er Boi” a Scotchy original? Because it’s excellent.
His mom (stepmom? She looks 35) is the classic “Arizona Trash Bag” as learned to Hippo by The Good Place.
Did he say see you l8er boi?
You KNOW Gus Johnson would make that call…
I’m old, and the resent thing of letting two players wear the same number messes with me.
And I think ASU has this one in the bag.
Yep. Friday night, 3 games = 3 bags of shit. Saturday early, 2 games = 2 bags of shit.
Rather than “duplicate numbers” they should just start allowing irrationals.
It’s a shame they will get bumped from the college football playoff to make room for a four-loss SEC team.
If they win, most likely now, as conference champs they get in, right? From the tournament chart they showed earlier, under the new 12 team format they would be playing.
Oh they in. Will prob be #12 and get Paedo State in unhappy valley
Top 5 conference champs get in, so Sparky is 100% in the field. Suppose there is small chance they get 11 seed over Alabama, but unlikely (ie, Bama 11, ASU 12).
If Clemson beats SMU, Clemson will be 12, Boise 3, ASU 4,
So I have to root for Dabo? Ewwwww
NO! Bad Litre!!
(I am also not quite certain that ASU gets the nod over Clemson for the bye)
Sparky will be everyone’s hero if they get the 12 and knock out ND or the Paedos in the first round.
I like chaos.
Frank Kush must be looking up from hell and smiling right now.
I knew I’d get at least one like.
The ubiquity of Family Guy memes might drive me away from twitter. That’s my hill.
Your “Hank Hill”, I’ll tell you what.
Don T (artist’s conception):
Brita Perry is an all-time great character/actress performance
Dr Pepper’s Throw Footballs at the CEO Head Challenge called off
So, uh, I guess there’s some stuff happening in Syria?
Syriaously?
Whatever. There’s always something happening somewhere.
Unless Assad wants to drop those chemicals on Jerry World…
No Forks Up Blax?
ASU sucks.
Not on the field today.
With that kind of attitude you get a minus!
have a good link? TPM and Bulwark are quiet on weekends
No, just looking at headlines. Assad’s people are currently claiming that he hasn’t fled, so…he’s probably elsewhere by now.
Somebody best check in on Tulsi, make sure she ok smgdh
I want her to be DNI so badly. I want to know if we actually became allies with Al Qaeda, our current allies toppling Assad, before or after bin Laden was assassinated. She would be the one to tell us.
I read summin about assad leaving Syria a coupla days ago and holed up in Iran setting a guvermint in exiles. Which might bring more stability* to Syria.
* warrin’
That ASU has some nice looking cheerleaders…
ISU, too. It’s a very sexy matchup on the sidelines.
Back when the Qardinals played at Sun Devil Stadium it was a blast to see an NFL game there.
Saw two Vikings games there.
Some of the surrounding bars are happening on game day.
Tempe is such a good time.
Chaos League Championship is killer so far. And of course, chaotic.
Hellllooooo Heisman!
Wait, did I say Heisman? I meant hangover.
Same here. Said I wouldn’t drink for a bit but a friend showed up last night with a bunch of wine
Don’t blame me. I voted Rikki’s Hangover for Heisman!
The hangover I thought I woke up with is actually turning out to be the beginning go a head cold.
I would rather the hangover.
Hold my beer! – Saturday afternoon
Yeah, that happens when you don’t drink enough to kill all the viruses.
Sounds like a good old fashioned race is starting. To the freezer vodka!
Man there is some nasty shit going around right now. Had mine back in November.
Bossa nova version of Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay at the coffee shop by where Senorita Weaselo and I teach (different days)? Does Otis Redding’s ghost know?
Morelikely to take a ghost beatin’ than a cruzeiro in royalties.
McAfee is the kind of guy you’d like to see chased down by a psycho with a harpoon.
problem is…he likely is the psycho with the harpoon
He’s not the psycho with the harpoon; he’s the one you send to kill the fucking psycho with the harpoon!
McAfee is only good in small doses. There’s a fine line between passionate & energetic and annoying & douche-bro
I must always catch him at his annoying douce-Bro moments.
I mean if you were forced to have Brocky-fantasy-football style luck in one aspect of your life, you could certainly do worse.
Why is Laura Rutledge dressed like a leprechaun?
Family Guy – Peter, what are you doing? Crack
She could have at least put better effort into it…
…
I wish I knew how to “gift link” this (I am Wolfpack Dem, if anyone else is in this particular rubber room), but JVL is on BlueSky – so I’d highly recommend that any other angry/despairing rationalists at least give him a follow.
https://www.thebulwark.com/p/an-unserious-show-with-jonathan-v-last
He’s keeping me at least on the periphery of sane.
found a free version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1RzoRT0cx0
South Korea president survives impeachment after governing lawmakers boycott vote | CNN
Democracy simply doesn’t work
Again – we’re just fucked. Completely, without lube, fucked.
God it’s almost 78 down here 🥶
19F in Cakalaky, at least my heat is working (so far)
Put some snow on that lake of yours and it’s almost like my view right now.
Need some paper towels to wipe that sweat from your brow?
Winter this morning, Spring tomorrow.
…what? No Global Warming joke here. This is normal Cincinnati weather.
That video 🤣🤣🤣. The Dr. reminds me of the most excellent Standish from “Slow Horses”.
“It’s a water bottle. Not that you’d know what one of those looks like”
So cruel 😂🤣😅🤪😂😂