Your NFL Monday Night Football Open Thread

Let’s get to it.

Fallout:

-As another Brooks once said, “It’s good to be king but it’s not good being a Panteros running back”. Johnathan, after a laborious rehab regimen, was showing his wares and almost immediately tore the ACL in his previously injured knee. Thing is, he may have been able to help Carolina get a step up. They are now a surprisingly tough out. Since losing to the Broncos they have one and three point wins and their last losses are by 3, 3 and 6 points. Canales is doing something good here.

-Does anyone in their right mind think Belichick is going to take this UNC job? He just wants to keep his name in the news. Above everything else, he wants that all-time coaching wins record as well.

-Jameis keeps the starting QB job going forward because once you’ve moved on from the ickiest player in the league it’s up to the bean counters to do their [waves fingers] “abacus tricks” and figure when it’s best to jettison Watson.

-“Everything Detroit Touches Turns To Gold” is a thing that has never been typed/thought about before but here we are. The Lions/Packers tilt set a streaming audience record. Oh, did you think it was Green Bay that everyone wanted to watch? Streaming audiences overall are up 15% overall over last year which was up 9% over the previous season.

-The Lion In (Early) Winter: (great movie, btw) Cousins has to go a long way to prove that he’s not washed. Over his last four games he has 0 TD’s and 8 INT’s. (Darnell Mooney went for 142 but being a Bears castoff he’s uniquely suited to adjust to lousy QB play). Everyone keeps waiting for Darnold to collapse but it’s been put off for yet another week. Vikes coach O’Connell might be the very first coach that plays to his strengths. He had 5 completed passes of 15+ air yards and three that were 30+ yards.

-I Remember The NFC West: Seattle is on top and their point differential is +19. The Rams sit second in the division and their PD is -19, the Cards are at -5 and the Basement Niners are at 0.

To The Game!

Bengals/Cowboys:

-ESPN (they’ve gotta do some sort of hype job, right?) described Dallas as “suddenly surging”. They’re 2-5 in their last seven and if you’ll recall, they beat the pathetic Giants by just one TD back when we were all stuffing our faces with bird. Those 5 losses were by a combined 102 points.

-I figure this will be a high-scoring tilt but it’ll be by virtue of defensive breakdowns, linebackers tripping over refs, safeties blowing assignments, too many men on the field-that sort of thing.

-Can we institute a “Shining Diamond in the Outhouse” Award? Good god, Burrow leads the league in passing yards, completions and TD’s.

-Despite Joe’s Herculean efforts, Cincy hasn’t yet beaten a team with a winning record.

-The Lamb Lays Down In Arlington: Ceedee’s catch percentage on the road is (rounded up) 70%. At home he’s sitting at 53%.

Have at it.

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WCS

Zac Taylor looks like he just got back from Fallujah 20 years ago.

WCS

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O’Brien knows how I feel right now. Wheew.

WCS

If Joe Burrow had a decent offensive line, defensive line, linebackers, secondary, and better kicking, he’d be doing pretty well for himself.

Oh, wait…

Gatoraids

Joe “Skee-Lo” Burrow

WCS

He wishes alright.

Unsurprised

Well, Stafford eventually got traded.

WCS

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Redshirt’s response (my artistic interpretation)

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Unsurprised

Oh, I forgot. I thought we wanted talent rewarded.

Redshirt made a poor decision about which team he was going to support as an adult and now he has to carry it to term.

Unsurprised

I take that back. You don’t have to stay with any team forever.

Gatoraids

Eli learned everything from his slip n slide days

Doktor Zymm

It’s all fun and games until you hit a rock under the plastic!

Gatoraids

indeed, we had a friends kids birthday party where had a big rental slip n slide with a foot foot of inflatable air between ground and person to stop this from happening was glorious..

ThePirateSloth

No no, it’s all fun and games until you slide off into a red ant hill.

Soooooooo you can guess how I know that.

WCS
ThePirateSloth

I loved that movie as a kid, so much. I’m pretty sure my best friend and I could still recite it, 30 years later, if we watched it together.

Gatoraids

know what ya saying Verne

Who do a duet jam when Ernest goes to camp. For the right earn, na’mean? Like Vern We need some more oil for the machines to burn, learn”

WCS

My brother and I asked our grandparents for turtles for Christmas one year, and while my WWII and Korea veteran pap liked the concept of amphibian airborne, wouldn’t sign off it.

ThePirateSloth

I’m pretty sure I tried to do that with the box turtle we kept in the backyard, but my mom loves turtles, she’d have murdered me if I were to harm a turtle in some stupid stunt.

Gatoraids

had same experience at father company picnic in a concrete tube in a park, remember being dunked and spending time in a garbage can full of ice cubes and beer cans chilling

ThePirateSloth

Red ants were just a part of growing up in Dallas. We’d often fully step in one during soccer practice or out deep in the school field during recess.

Wasn’t milk also a way to provide relief or lessen swelling?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As I always say, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and then it’s all fun and games that someone can’t see.

WCS

3rd and 24? NFL BLITZ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

LemonJello

Rush running like a Red Barchetta on that scramble.

Gatoraids

MY UNCLE HAS A COUNTRY PLACE

fuck simpsons cast this was the peak of AV Computer tech

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMSFqXGZ5TQ

WCS

Cooper’s going to be taking the Dreamline back to his house in the Subdivisions.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj72Hgz2tTY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF571JpHdy8

WCS

Cooper’s a bit uncomfortable in the Limelight.

Bogdanski

On Sundays he can elude the eyes but not on Monday night

Beerguyrob

You can tell the Golden Globes were announced today by the acting on the penalties.

Gatoraids

hoping for an encore of John Legend to prevent Collinsworth from coming on manningcast

WCS

Bob Dylan isn’t dead (as of this typing), so do we need a biopic?

Guess I’ll just go yell at clouds.

Beerguyrob

Hopefully there’s no Pete Seeger spinoff.

Doktor Zymm

Probably doing it now so his estate doesn’t have to approve it and he’s old enough not to care

WCS

That wasn’t very good, Joe.

Doktor Zymm

Gonna go ahead and have Dec 5th as well. I think I overfaced myself with the cheese advent calendar, it’s a LOT of cheese. Cheese curds are a nice munchable snack tho

Dec 5th: Braeval 2013 10yr Hart Brothers

WCS

without any context or background, Dec. 5 was four days ago…

Doktor Zymm

yeah, I’m super behind on my Scotch advent calendar

Doktor Zymm

Eh, this one is not my favorite, reminds me of something I don’t like but can’t quite place

Horatio Cornblower

Hitler?

Doktor Zymm

Oddly enough I don’t associate any flavors or scents with Hitler

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Redshirt

Hold them to a touchdown. Lead a scoring drive of a record shattering 27 minutes.

It’s almost too easy.

ThePirateSloth

When is ESPN gonna take Berman out back and Old Yeller him?

Gatoraids

let’s hope United Healthcare starts sponsoring his segments

Horatio Cornblower

That’s not fair.

People loved Old Yeller.

BC Dick

How is he still alive and not imprisoned? He seems like he’d have the predilections of Louis C.K. with the charisma of Harvey Weinstein.

Horatio Cornblower

The lack of self-awareness Chris Berman has is just astounding.

Gatoraids

Duffman has more self awareness

Brick Meathook

Mojave Desert, just west of Edwards Air Force Base.

On the left is a giant wind farm, at top is a space port, bottom left is a mountain being scraped away for all its gold ore, center top to bottom are all massive solar arrays, top right is one of two automobile proving grounds in the area (there’s also a racetrack nearby). To the east of this photo is the longest runway in the world.

https://ibb.co/CvQWd56

ThePirateSloth

DFO Road Trip to Reefer City!

Col. Duke LaCross

That racetrack, Willow Springs!

Redshirt

Two punts? Ah, that takes me back…

Unsurprised

That AT&T commercial should’ve ended like the opening of Zero Dark Thirty

Brocky

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Unsurprised

Latin squirrel

Unsurprised

What a ringing endorsement for the Big Apple from Eli

Doktor Zymm

Since Ceedee decided NOT to have a horrible game I’m gonna miss the playoffs in my money league. I guess I will have Dec 4th in my Scotch advent calendar and hope for him to somehow lose points the rest of the game.

Dec 4th: Benrinnes 2003 19yr Old Malt Cask 25th Anniversary K&L Exclusive Single Canasta Sherry Butt

Gumbygirl

Sherry Butt? Is she one of the Butt Sisters?

Brick Meathook
SonOfSpam

Is that the guy who shot the health insurance guy?

Col. Duke LaCross

That’s strong

ThePirateSloth

I love that the dispensary around the corner from me has slowly started bringing in some old school strains like Blue Dream, Jack Herer, and Ice Cream Cake. The last year or so, I’ve been wanting to go back to those older quality strains instead of all this random ass named shit.

Honestly, all I really need is an endless supply of Durban Poison and I’d be happy for life.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I used to live near Durban, and spent a decent amount of time there. One time I took a bunch of ecstacy at a trance party there and started blindly making out with someone on the cuddle puddle mattresses and was delighted to eventually discover that it was a woman! A rather attractive one at that!

SonOfSpam

Rikki’s life is a Euphoria episode.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We dated casually for a little while afterwards but it was too long of a drive. One time a few weeks later I had hooked up with a Russian-born Australian lass who was headed up to Durban next and since I was driving there I gave her a lift and she kept pestering me about hanging out with her there until I eventually stopped prevaricating and explained that I had a date that night. She got real quiet for a while after that, I guess she was pretty upset or something.

BC Dick

That must have been some accent.

Horatio Cornblower

Dear Pretoria Forum:

I never believed your stories were true, but I recently had an experience I thought your readers would find interesting…

BeefReeferLives

Ditto with me and good ol’ Blueberry

Gumbygirl

It’s gonna lessen your load.

blaxabbath

I don’t feel like Christmas gift shopping. I think Ted Kacinski has a lot of good points about material stuff and consumerism etc.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Didn’t he, like, poop in a box and then mail it to people to drive home his point?

SonOfSpam

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Gumbygirl

Maybe he was just getting his colon checked for cancer?

SonOfSpam

You think Ted’s Takes was cool, you should read Luigi’s Laments. That guy’s a straight shooter.

King Hippo

As soon as my kids were adults, I opted out completely. I don’t care if folks gossip about me at Thanksgiving.

King Hippo

(I still do give the kids money)

SonOfSpam

Best way to get em in the van

BeefReeferLives

/ Marc Trestman has entered the chat

BC Dick

I just realized Gradey Dick isn’t Connor McDavid.

SonOfSpam

Not the first time you were surprised with Dick.

BC Dick

I wish. Apparently they only want to trick the “handsome” men with “functioning penises” who aren’t “crippled by alcoholism”.

King Hippo

How will this impact the Leafs’ Cup chances??

BC Dick

Tune into every Canadian sports show every single day at 15 minute intervals to find out!

Redshirt

..

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They mean, like, a sip of beer. Don’t be doing shots or anything crazy like that.

SonOfSpam

Shit, a swig of water would be dangerous.

Redshirt

Hey, the Bengals Defense held them to a…air…kicky score?

Brick Meathook
LemonJello

Seems like Rush can’t handle the Limelight.

Horatio Cornblower

As long as Limbaugh is still dead

SonOfSpam

Hope so, or I just shit on someone else’s headstone.

BC Dick

You are on a roll tonight.

Bogdanski

It really is approaching the unreal

SonOfSpam

Nice play by Cammie Taylor Brittany!

Redshirt

The Bengals Defense is so checked out, you can see their golf bags on the sideline.

Redshirt

…note to self: keep insulting the defense

SonOfSpam

That comment aged like Jon-Benet

SonOfSpam

Since the game’s on ABC and ESPN, why not just put the Simpsons thing on one of those channels? I can’t be looking at, like, two screens.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Few cocktails in. Sup?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sup” as you refer to it consisted of salmon tacos made with leftovers plus fresh lettuce from the garden and an avocado we poached from a neighborhood tree. Now I’m drinkin’ box wine and thinking about a Christmas Flies Open movie bit I want to write.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Salmon plus lettuce and avocado is at best SLAP and is in no way SUP

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it helps I had some ube cake with coconut frosting afterwards.

SonOfSpam

Plot ripped from a Hallmark Movie? Featuring sexy Commentists?

I’ll punch it up. (the clown)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actually this one is going to be a kids’ movie.

SonOfSpam

So…really really sexy?

SonOfSpam

Oh, I see, Olivia goes on vacation and forgets Elisha.

Redshirt

Attempt an Onside Kick. It’s our only hope.

Brocky

So does ESPN deportes have the bumblebee guy?

Horatio Cornblower

Oh my god.

SonOfSpam

(ay dios mio)

King Hippo

if not, what an opportunisto missed ay yi yi!

SonOfSpam

So the Simpsons thing?

It’s fine. Mina is good, Orlovsky sucks. But we knew that.

Gatoraids

get it every week with Troy and Buck doing their Patty and Selma impressions

litre_cola

We don’t get it up here in your hat.

BC Dick

I get everything but the peacock bullshit on my cable television.

BC Dick

And they’re our pants. Get it right.

SonOfSpam

We’re your power bottom.

BC Dick

That’s even better. You generate all the power.

SonOfSpam

Sourry

BC Dick

I don’t get the Peytoncast anymore though. It used to be on TSN. I like those boys.

SonOfSpam

“Me too, whoever they are!”

-J. Sandusky

Brocky

Since you’re all dying to know, here’s my latest fantasy update:

I enter the final week of the regular season needing at most a win to guarantee a playoff spot, or at least to have the right people lose so I can win based on tie breakers.

Inexplicably I have had my best week of the season, and I currently have the highest score of any team any week this season, and it’s come against my brother, who’s leading the league in scoring, but sorely missed breece hall and Derrick Henry this week.

Behold

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If you’re paying attention, last week I lost by exactly 1.5 points because jerry Judy or whatever the hell his name is decided to become a super saipan.

I got a 40 plus point league, let’s see how I screw this up

Brocky

To clarify, we each have a starting RB playing tonight

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY BROCKY LAST WEEK I CALL HIM TONY DUNGY WALKING INTO HIS SON’S ROOM, LOCATING THE YOUNG MAN SUCCESSFULLY, THEN WALKING AWAY IN DENIAL THAT HIS OWN INTOLERANCE WAS THE PRIMARY REASON FOR THE TRAGEDY BECAUSE HE LEFT US HANGING.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

man that was grim even for me

SonOfSpam

/slaps Rikki on his depraved ass, hard

Horatio Cornblower

Just slaps Rikki, hard.

BC Dick

Damn. I will also slap your naughty ass.

Redshirt

The Bengals Defense is like the Southern Border: People are going through it far too easily and the people in charge will likely lose their jobs because of it.

Spur

Dallas scoring TDs at Home? Cincy must really stink on Defense

Horatio Cornblower

Mike Brown so cheap he can’t even afford to cover Lamb in the red zone.

Horatio Cornblower

Just checked my email and wound up removing myself from some psychic ladies mailing list.

Wonder if she saw that coming?

Spur

If Cincy Score 30+, Dallas is going to win.

Horatio Cornblower

Why is there a silver-haired fox screaming at me en espanol?

Spur

Whoever he was, he’s on the deport list now.

Unsurprised

Having Moe give the Cowboys the opening speech is so fucking perfect.

WCS
Horatio Cornblower

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Last edited 12 days ago by Horatio Cornblower
Spur

Lisa giving Cincy the pep talk seems right.

Spur

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Spur

Micah’s Simpson portrait is gold

litre_cola

Tee Higgins 28 pts to avoid relegation!!

ballsofsteelandfury

You did name your team Big Bag of Suck. What didya expect?

litre_cola

Correction, I renamed my team that after an 0-4 start. The Princesses had to be removed due to um, you know.

Spur

Doing Jack Shit today felt great.

SonOfSpam

Yeah he’s a good lay

Spur

Evening Folks

BeefReeferLives

‘Sup?

Redshirt

Current state of the 2024 Cincinnati Bengals and the fan base:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhOrxkGlLDM&pp=ygUZaHVnZSB3YXRlcmZhbGwgbmV3IGdyb292ZQ%3D%3D

ballsofsteelandfury

I thought it was this:

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Redshirt

No, that was a game or two ago, when there was still hope. Now we’ve entered the point of the ride where we’re past the lift hill and heading towards the drop so there’s nothing to do just enjoy the ride and try not to throw up.

I may be out of practice at this, but I’m still an expert.

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8iFSP_S5h8

One of those literally microseconds that shapes a decade.

SonOfSpam

Wasn’t there some lady commentist named VontazeMeBro?

Or was that at the old place?

Unsurprised

She was definitely on KSK. I can’t remember if she ever made the move.

ballsofsteelandfury

She did for a bit. Then she disappeared.

litre_cola

Went for smokes.

Game Time Decision

Think she had a kid

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, done in by motherhood.

A tale as old as time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She was here. She was in our fantasy league for a while, I remember because I wrote a “Too Many Cooks” parody mocking her for having like three kickers on her roster.

Unsurprised

Her team could’ve been named the Rockettes

Redshirt

That was an out of body experience. It was as close to a fever dream as a game could get.

WCS

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Redshirt rn

Redshirt

Actually the feelings of beating the Raiders and ending the curse canceled out the Steelers game where we went Full Bungal.