Grotesque JV NFL Finale Thread

I absolutely am not watching this mess.  But I stand by my prediction upon seeing the “bracket” – I thought the tOSU/Tennessee winner would lift the trophy.

tOhio State (-8.5) v. Notre Dame (7:30, ESPN)

Yeah, I’d be rooting for Hezbollah if they represented the last line of defense against a nationwide orgy of Irish fluffing.  But really – tOSU has the edge everywhere.  Their lines are better (O and D), their quartered back is significantly better, their WRs are light years better.  Maybe ND is roughly equal at tailback.

Seriously, that’s it.  No matter what you think of Coach Samsquanch, his Tree Nutz should absolutely go to town tonight.  Sommet like 38-7 wouldn’t surprise me in the least.  I guess I’d be happy for the numerous supporters in the Clubhouse, but even more satisfied that the best team from (this year’s) best conference was declared champion.  With all else that’s going on in the world, a tiny bit of earned glory would surely be appreciated.

Get your shit together, SEC.  I don’t ever want to see a gross Final Four like 2024-25’s ever again.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Downfield Matriculator

The Ryan Day butt clench is now creating diamonds out of whatever he ate for breakfast

Doktor Zymm

The Clue episode of Psych is so good

ballsofsteelandfury

It really is!

Horatio Cornblower
Downfield Matriculator

Fuck your whore mouth, Fowler

Horatio Cornblower

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ANNOUNCER: We’ve secretly replaced the Ohio State quarterback with Patrick Mahomes. Let’s see if anyone notices…

OFFICIALS: [hurling flags after a Notre Dame player breathes on him too hard] Oh, we noticed.

Brick Meathook

This game reminds me of the Air & Space Museum because there are helicopters parked on display all in a row ever so thusly. No one denies this.

https://ibb.co/52h85j4

ballsofsteelandfury

Why does Ryan Day look like Bert Kreischer decided one day to put on a shirt and coach college football?

BugEyedBoo

Looks like the guy who fixed my garage door opener.

Horatio Cornblower

If you get a $4,000 tax refund you have given the government an interest-free loan for $4,000, and you should probably readjust your tax strategies.

BugEyedBoo

My Finance professor said that he claimed 10 deductions, and he was single.

Horatio Cornblower

Your finance professor was Antonio Cromartie!?!?

NotShogunButShogun

I blew my ass out for…all of *waves hands*…this today?
At least in porn I get paid.
(Normal asshole for the record, which I sort of resent.)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As someone’s grandma once told them, “if you have an asshole, you have a way to make money.”

NotShogunButShogun

I went under just as it was walking out. I awoke to “filled to the top.” I thought in my haze…not again!

SonOfSpam

Well congrats on not having a really horrific type of cancer and whatnot

NotShogunButShogun

Dad had it, so I’m ahead of the “schedule.” Next time, as per Pope Hippo, I take the pillz.

SonOfSpam

Sorry about pops; glad you’re doing the adult thing.

NotShogunButShogun

Dude, he lives. TWICE

SonOfSpam

THE UNKILLABLE MISTER SHOGUN SENIOR

Apologies for assuming the worst, kind of my mood today

NotShogunButShogun

Why? I did. I figured with my past and family history this was the start of the end.

Brick Meathook

If you’re saying you got a colonoscopy and were cleared, then good for you. My sister spent three years dying a slow miserable death from colorectal cancer that she never should have got in the first place. It was so unnecessary and I’m still angry at her for it.

NotShogunButShogun

I did and I’m grateful. I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

Brick Meathook

Thank you. It is what it is. I get regular colonoscopies; I will never die like that.

NotShogunButShogun

What it is always sucks.

Redshirt

…on the other hand, this game ending with Ryan Day leading a collapse would be poetic.

Horatio Cornblower

Ryan Day’s gonna lose to Michigan again next year and get fired.

Redshirt

…and the Interim Coach leads to another championship because that’s our secret apparently.

Downfield Matriculator

Interim Coach Cardale Jones?

ballsofsteelandfury

LOOKIT HIPPO ONE TD FROM PREDICTING THE ACTUALLY SCORE!

ballsofsteelandfury

Never mind

SonOfSpam

Hippo hates praise, don’t do it again

Horatio Cornblower

I mean, if pills are involved you’re probably OK.

rockingdog

Glenn Powell is Chad Powers! 🏈
Lmao!!!

That’s some fake 30 Rock show nonsense
LoL

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know that was originally an Eli Manning bit, right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Na2hOcx4uX8

Horatio Cornblower

‘We call them run-ons here. Just trying to emphasize there’s no walking here”

I agree, Coach. Just walking at Penn State is not going to be enough to prevent a young child from being anally raped in the team shower rooms. Gotta always be running at Penn State.

SonOfSpam

I say this a lot on this site: rhythmic slapping sounds

Horatio Cornblower

The football program should have gotten the NCAA death penalty and Sandusky should have gotten an actual death penalty.

SonOfSpam

Hear to the fucking hear

Doktor Zymm

.

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NotShogunButShogun

Imagine what he’d have come up with had he experienced salt. Or…the hot ones line-up!

Horatio Cornblower

Or Blacks getting the vote.

NotShogunButShogun

Or an exposed calf…on anything

Brick Meathook

I CALL THIS GAME THE BATTLE OF DIEN BIEN PHU BECAUSE AN ISOLATED FRENCH REGIMENT IS GETTING BEATEN BY VIET MINH FORCES UNDER GENERAL VO NGUYEN GIAP HARF HARF HARF

Horatio Cornblower

Shit, what channel are you watching?

Also, excellent book about Dien Bien Phu. Turns out seizing the low ground was not a great idea.

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Last edited 22 hours ago by Horatio Cornblower
BugEyedBoo

Turned out the French did not have them exactly where they wanted them.

Horatio Cornblower

“Those wogs will never get artillery up those hills”

/wogs haul artillery up those hills

“Well, merde”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We just watched The Substance. Watching it is the second worst thing that happened today.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I started watching Beyond Skyline while lifting weights without realizing that it’s a sequel. I thought it was quite bad but apparently it got decent reviews.

Redshirt

I haven’t seen an Irish panic like that since the during the Glorious Revolution of 1688.

SonOfSpam

GUYS I CALL THIS GAME APRIL 2019 BECAUSE NOTRE DAME IS GETTING BURNT TO A CRISP

Redshirt

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BeefReeferLives

Is that a bowl of Strawberry Smiggles on the table?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXrtsx0aKes

Horatio Cornblower

THIS GAME I CALL IT THE AVIGNON SCHISM, BECAUSE THE PAPISTS ARE IN DISARRAY!!!

Downfield Matriculator

I was gonna call it SPOTLIGHT because it is bringing national attention to the absolute violation of Catholic schoolboys.

BugEyedBoo

+1 Antipope.

BeefReeferLives

Deep cut, Jon.

Horatio Cornblower

Wildfires taking out Augusta National would give me an erection that lasted days, not hours.

Doktor Zymm

It’s official, tarriffs against Canada start Feb 1

BeefReeferLives

Of course. Because nothing is going to make housing cheaper like tariffs on lumber and kicking all the people building houses out of the country.

Game Time Decision

But think of the children

Last edited 22 hours ago by Game Time Decision
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh, I’m gonna do a lot more than just thinking of them.” – Matt Gaetz, who pays money to fuck children

Doktor Zymm

Don’t forget unrefined oil!

SonOfSpam

I for one welcome the ability to pay 10 bucks for a head of iceberg

(iceberg lettuce; actual icebergs will be gone soon)

Brick Meathook

10 bucks is a small price to pay for getting rid of all those illegal Canadian lettuce pickers.

Horatio Cornblower

Fucking Canucks, takin’ all our jerbs.

SonOfSpam

actually i think raleigh took your hockey jobs

Horatio Cornblower

I hate you so much.

SonOfSpam

*unless they give him money

Game Time Decision

We’ll pay in maple syrup and speed up his diabetes

Doktor Zymm

Gonna import some maple syrup to sell under the table. Also gonna see if I can keep my gambling streak going with some TAIL etf at market open

herodotus450

Finally some protection for Aunt Jemima

SonOfSpam

HEY WE CAN BRING HER BACK BECAUSE WOKE IS GONE

BeefReeferLives

Looking forward to pouring some over a stack of flapjacks at my local Sambo’s.

SonOfSpam

fuckin a we actually used to have Sambo’s

Brick Meathook

It’s about time. The Canadians have been fucking with us for far too long, and I’m going to join in on punishing those assholes, starting with my mom and all my cousins.

USA! USA! USA!

Brick Meathook

What in the fuck was that Trump clip for?

Downfield Matriculator

Looked like a hostage video — has anyone seen Barron, Don Jr, Eric, Tiffany or Ivanka?

BeefReeferLives

Dunno. Sprained my finger on the “mute” button.

BugEyedBoo

Seeing if they can get my blood pressure to 300/240.

SonOfSpam

Looks like I picked the right moment to take the trash out.

I’ll gladly take a Travis Scott song instead, and he’s manslaughtering trash.

Downfield Matriculator

Enjoying the generally glum look on Desmond’s face and forced laughter at Saban’s “humor”, I gotta say.

BeefReeferLives

Oof. Looks like Whacking Day has truly begun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxoNOBPqDVE

Horatio Cornblower

Game. Blouses.

Horatio Cornblower

‘What makes Chipotle different from everybody else?”

The E. coli!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You can’t spell E. coli without ‘Eli’…” – Peyton Manning, smirking as he hands his younger brother a cheeseburger he left in the sun for three hours so it would “stay warm.”

Redshirt

..

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LemonJello

Lou Holtz looks like he’s interviewing to be the new Cryptkeeper

Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

Joe Montana’s finances are so bad that he’s shilling for Guinness on the sideline of a Notre Dame championship game?

Brick Meathook

Montana always impressed me as a great QB who’s probably really dumb at everything else.

Horatio Cornblower

I think that’s 100% accurate. Like, if you asked him to pour a glass of milk it would be an event.

BeefReeferLives

Yeah, that was pretty shameless.

I mean, it’s not shill level Peyton, but pretty blatant.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doesn’t he have a number of ex-wives whose lifestyles he’s financing?

Horatio Cornblower

I believe you are correct.

Brick Meathook

I-66 East

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Horatio Cornblower

But Ovechkin scores on the rebound!

Brick Meathook

We would also have accepted “Moses invests”

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve decided I’m against the QB getting to slide. This is still tackle football. You’re gonna run? You’re gonna get hit.

This may or may not be related to Patrick Mahomes’s shenanigans last night.

litre_cola

I bet you don’t even have a slide for poor Lowratio.

Horatio Cornblower

Hamster wheel seems to keep him happy enough.

litre_cola

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Redshirt

Three yard halo rule. If QB slides late with a defender within three yards, he gets no protection short of egregious conduct (spearing, helmet to helmet, etc.)

Doktor Zymm

I’m watching Psych reruns and having a gummy

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that reminds me, I need to take my gummy vitamins. Thanks Doktor!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure it’s worth the effort to be an insane football fan just to get a 6-pack of shitty Mexican beer.

Redshirt

Alright, time to see if Ohio State has figured out Notre Dame’s experimental, extreme plays of QB Option, QB Draw, QB Drive and QB Dive.

SonOfSpam

Also QB Power and QB Felch

BeefReeferLives

If that last possession is any indication, I would say:

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rockingdog

I really hope this game is high scoring & all those kids have fun! 🏈

That would be Rockingggg!!!!

Gumbygirl

Fuck.

SonOfSpam

“Okay”

-Litre, grabbing a nearby sheep

(may still be salty about yesterday)

litre_cola

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Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

This game deserves nothing but an Earth-shattering kaboom, ending us all. That includes any acknowledgment of its existence.

Anyway, I got some stuff done on my day off. But it’s also annoying in that it also means there’s so much more shit to do. I need a second pair of hands more than anything else. And then for them to go away when I am done with them.

Horatio Cornblower

This game makes me so ANGRY!!!!

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blaxabbath

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litre_cola

My dear Jesus is there another broadcast without McAfee???

LemonJello

Which broadcast has McAfee?

Because I want to avoid that one.

litre_cola

He is the play by play for me up in your hat.

LemonJello

That HAS to be a Geneva Convention violation.

litre_cola

I found the normal feed. FUCK YOU TSN for putting me through that for a half an hour.

Game Time Decision

How will this effect the Leafs playoff chances and who will be next year’s head coach?

Unsurprised

Probably not in English. Maybe on the radio?

Redshirt

This drive is taking years off of Riley Leonard’s life.

LemonJello

But it’ll be some of the CTE-ridden years at the end, so it evens out?

LemonJello

Just got back from taking TangerineJello out for dinner before she heads back to school for her last semester.

I am disappointed to see that Megatron’s Butthole has not been obliterated by the Wrath of the Elder Gods.

Oh well, may as well watch the game.

SonOfSpam

Rooting for the Irish is painful and unnatural unless the opponent is a potato famine.

I am merely rooting for a competitive game until the meteor arrives.

litre_cola

Yeah, I am team meteor for this one.

I do want Redshirt happy though. Thankfully I know zero Notre Dame fans.

Redshirt

I’m rooting for Ohio State, but I’d be open to the Meteor depending on if its an ELE.

rockingdog

Meteor! ☄️
LoL

Redshirt

Football games needs more Skycast options. No announcers and you can see the whole play develop.

Gatoraids

missing the coaches room

Senor Weaselo

The Telestrator Dong Channel! All dicks being accidentally drawn on the telestrator, all the time!

Jimbo

Ryan Day moar like Ryan Day-um he used a lot beard dye.

jjfozz

My cousin’s oldest daughter has always been an obnoxious fuck. She also went to Ohio State. I’m hoping the Buckeyes are pulverized, so she’s sad.

rockingdog

Found a funny:

all balls are amazeballs if you live with enough wonder

Redshirt

(sees Ryan Day on TV)

(closes eyes; rubs temples)

They can win in spite of that asshole. They can win spite of that asshole

jjfozz

I spent the entire day ramming my head through walls in my house. Mrs. Fozz is angry, but right now I’m seeing the ghosts of my ancestors, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

Senor Weaselo

It might be back spasms, so I’m sure you’re fine.

Unsurprised

When you only see one pair of footprints in the sand turn into purple monkey dishwasher, it was because banana.

Unsurprised

So, just a normal Monday in the Fozz house.

Redshirt

.

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rockingdog

Lmao!
That’s Rocking!

ballsofsteelandfury