“What do you mean he’s being a dick?!?”

TWBS girl replied, “Look, I did exactly like we discussed.  I went into the girls when they were in their doctors’ office like you said.”

“Yeah?”

“And I asked their doctors if it was safe for them to give blood.”

“Yeah?”

“And when the doctors said okay, I made a mental note and came back whenever they were close to a Red Cross or something like that and got them to go inside so they could donate blood.”

“Okay, so you did everything perfect.  What’s the problem?”

“One, this is taking too long!”

“How many are you up to?”

“One hundred thousand.”

“That’s pretty good!”

“It’s okay, but, more importantly, I checked in with Saint Peter and he said I was making them do things against their will.”

“Bullshit.”

“That’s what I said!”

“I think he just doesn’t like you.”

“No shit.  What do I do?”

“Okay, we can either approach it from a philosophical point of view, which Lady Balls already anticipated and has the perfect response based on Kant, Descartes, and Meyer”

“Meyer?  Frank?”

“Russ.  Or, we can approach it with common sense.”

“Let’s do that one.”

“Okay, so this is what you tell Saint Peter….”

TWBS girl listened to Balls explain.  Then she said, “You’re a dick!”

“Hey, stop flirting with the girl!  It’s your turn to hit!”

Balls turned around, “I’m coming!”

“That’s my line!”, the girl’s jacket was already zipped up to the top.

***

“I’m back!”

Saint Peter sighed.  He thought he had gotten rid of him already.

“What do you want?  I already told you why it wasn’t going to work.”

“I’m back to tell you why you are wrong.”

“Oh, this will be interesting.”

“You, no doubt, know fully well that I used to have sex while I was down there.”

“Unfortunately, yes.  If you call that flailing about and apologizing sex.”

TWBS held his tongue.

“Well, do you think any of them saw me and instantly thought, ‘Oh, I want to have sex with that guy!’?”

“I can pretty much guarantee they did not.”

“You don’t need to be mean.”  TWBS was watching his words.  He didn’t want the number to be increased to four million.

“Okay, well, I worked my charm and they eventually decided it was a good idea, right?”

“If you want to call it charm, sure.  More like a lot of alcohol.”

“Hey!  They were always fully in control!  I wasn’t no Bill Cosby or anything like that.  If there was any alcohol, it loosened up their inhibitions and that’s it.”

“And what does that have to do with this?”

“Well, while those girls may not have thought about having sex with me right away, they eventually decided it was a good idea.”

“So?”

“So, same thing.  They may have not consciously thought about going into the place and donating blood, but once I got them inside, they thought, ‘Why not?  I’m here already.’”

“Story of your sex life, huh?”

It took every ounce of will he had to not say anything snotty.

“Not nice.  I think that should reduce my number to the original one million.  I don’t think the Big Guy would like that coming from you.”

“Two million and that’s my final offer.  And yes, your,” Saint Peter made an exaggerated air quotes motion, “’logic’ works.”

TWBS was stunned.

“Wait, seriously?  I can keep going?”

“Yes, now get out of my face.  I’ve got people waiting in line.  And don’t flip me off.  You want to go back to three?”

“No, Sir Petey, I do not.  Thank you!”

Saint Peter watched him leave and wondered if it was possible.  The Big Guy spoke of miracles all the time but this would be a big one.  Almost on par with turning the water into wine.  He really didn’t want the Big Guy sending Michael over to give him shit for letting TWBS into Heaven…

***

Balls was sitting on 95 as he teed up on the Par 5 18^th.  He didn’t know it at the time, though, as he didn’t add up his score until the end of rounds, especially in tournaments as others usually kept the score.  Izzy walked up to him.

“You’re doing pretty good, buddy.  One more good hole and you might be in the running for the net.”

“Thanks!  Can you watch my ball, please?”

“Sure, are you going to try to hit the shit out of it?”

“The opposite.  I just want to make good contact.”

It was indeed good contact and Balls didn’t really need Izzy to tell him where the ball went.  It went perfectly straight with a slight fade.  It still ended up in the middle of the fairway.

One 3 Wood and one 5 iron later and, somehow, Balls was on the green.  His ball was at the front with the white pin sitting in between two mounds.  He would have to tittyfuck the ball into the hole from about 25 feet.

“What do you think?”

“I think it breaks left and then it breaks right.”

“Straight then?”

“Yup.  Just make sure to hit it.  Don’t be a pussy and leave it short.”

“Yup.  Got it.”

Balls picked a spot about ten feet away.  He lined up the face so that it was perpendicular to that spot.  One practice putt to gauge the speed.  He stepped up and looked at the spot.  “Fuck it.”  He hit the ball and watched it roll directly over the spot.

It then curved slightly to the left as it hit the first mound.  It righted itself when it got to the second mound.  At least he hit it.  It had some speed as it was getting to the hole.

“Oh shit!”

Balls had hit it really hard. It was on-line, but if it missed by an inch, it was going to go ten feet past the hole.  He watched it hit the flag, bounce up, and then disappear into the cup.

“Birdie baby!  Nice job!”

“Thanks!”

“I can tell you now that putt got you to break a hundred.  Congrats!”

“Really?  Sweet!”

It was his best score differential ever.

A few hours later, Lady Balls did her best to sound impressed.

“Good job, baby!”

“Thank you, baby.  I know you don’t care but thanks anyways.”

“Baby, I do care! 99, 100, whatever it takes!  I’m just happy that my baby is happy!”

“I think we should celebrate.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Yes.  But also dinner.  Wear the black dress with the red things that I like. I’ll pick you up at 6:30.”

“Where are we going?”

“Newport Beach.”

***

It was a little cold by the time they got to the beach, but the heater was positioned right next to their table as they watched the sun go down.  It was picture-perfect Chamber Of Commerce stuff.

Balls pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket, opened the browser, and showed Lady Balls the news story he had seen earlier.

“Nicolette Shea returns from a five-year hiatus?  Nice!  I like her!”

“Oops, wait, wrong one.  Here.”  Balls changed the tab.

“Blood donations are at the highest levels in fifty years!”

“Pretty cool, huh?”

“The baboso is actually getting shit done!

“Yeah I am!”  The waitress had sneaked up behind them.  “I’m past two hundred thousand now!”

Lady Balls asked him, “How?  It’s only been a few hours since you saw Ballsy on the golf course!”

“Yeah, but I figured I’d take this worldwide.  I know a little bit of Spanish.  That, and the fact that most of the world speaks English means I can get a LOT of volunteers!”

“Smart!  Where did you get so many?”

“Well, I’ve been in Australia since noon.”

Balls panicked, “You didn’t?”

“Honestly, I couldn’t find her.  She may have gone to Double Hockey Sticks Land.”

“Okay, good.  Let’s not derail the progress.”

“Don’t worry.  I’m being good. I didn’t even yell at Saint Peter, that fucking prick!”

“Dude!”

“It’s okay if I do it here.  I’m not there yet.  But when I do get there, I’m thinking I’m going to get some rules changed.”

“Yeah, you do that. In the meantime, can you bring the dessert menu?”

“Okay, back to the grindstone. Later, ‘baters!”

The waitress walked back towards the kitchen.

“Awwwww, good for him!”  Lady Balls was happy.

“Good for us!  Not only is this going to help him get into heaven.  Not only is this going to get him out of our hair.  I figure this is going to earn us some brownie points for when we eventually, you know.”

“God knows we need them.”

“Yeah, specially if somehow Hippo is right and we are anally-screwing ourselves into Hell.”

“Baby, don’t worry about it.  If we go down, we’ll go down together.  Besides, we don’t like wearing clothes anyway.”

“Amen to that.”

Lady Balls started giggling, “Hee hee.  Brownie points.  Wanna earn some brownie points tonight?”